Workshop: Undying

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: Undying (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31251-Undying)
Name of Authors: The Mongrel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 9 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 21st August 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[SirArtemis]

First and foremost, thank you for writing and sharing this. Really.

Story

Despite your claim of rust and rush, I felt myself emotionally invested in the character. It took a bit to sort out what was going on even, though I think part of that is the density of your writing. But all the same, I felt for her. There was a tear-jerking moment during the last cup. There was compassion during her visit of Mutt. There was sadness in her loneliness and self-perception.

I do think this story would have benefited unbelievably from flashback scenes peppering the story, bringing me back to the very long journey Mongrel has had as an Unfounded. The passing comments that tell me about her life are one thing, but I feel like momentarily revisiting and living her strongest moments with these major members of the group would have hit it home so much harder during the last cup. It would have hurt me so much more to know just how close these people really are to her, to understand her losses and the sacrifices made to this moment. The passing mention of them only tells me they happened but it's near impossible for me to connect to them beyond that. There's also a tremendous depth and complexity to this group she belongs to that you touch upon with the cards, which are unique and their first mention threw me off, and I find myself wanting to be able to understand its workings at least a bit more deeply to connect with her further.


Character

As I somewhat mentioned above, I absolutely related to the character and felt for her. however, I have no idea what she looks like. She's a personality, not a person. I didn't feel like all my senses were touched upon in that sense. However, even with her sense of loss and pain, I wish I understood more of why, and that goes back to the flashbacks. I can understand Mutt was important to her and I can understand by the snippet of his words that he didn't speak as fluently as the rest of us, but I have no understanding beyond this man being the one she loved and he was gone. Context could take my connection to her to such a deeper level.


Prose

Since I spoke to you, I know you didn't really go about proofreading or anything; even still, i didn't see too many glaring issues. The one thing I did notice that was a bit jarring was your use of repetition in some scenes that felt overdone. To the point that it almost felt a bit annoying, like the character was just going off on a tangent and rambling about something or other. I also have the feeling there were some fragments, but I can't say for sure because I'm not the best with that in the first place. I also wonder if you could benefit from simplifying your writing at points. You have a lot of depth and vivacity to your writing, and you'll love that it reminds me of Flames I'm sure, but sometimes it can be disengaging as a reader and just be too much. You can't have a mic-drop moment every sentence, or the impact is lost for some along the way.


Wildcard

I really enjoyed this and was glad to read some of your work. I'm glad you wrote this and submitted it and didn't fret and I hope to read more of your work in the future. You're tremendously talented and add a lot of value as a writer, both as someone who demonstrates great skill, and someone who can help others learn as well. Please never stop.

[Flames of Hyperion]

(For those unfamiliar with the underlying song, click here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4egb2gpIg4). Or here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcSqI1KZiLI) or here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hMdoGet2A8) if you would rather stand defiant against your soul sweating into oblivion.)

Beautiful and gutwrenching. It was unpolished, yes, and repetitive in places. But combined with the first-person perspective and the sheer raw emotion projected through Mongrel's eyes - Mutt's grave and the Last Cup itself both stand-out scenes - it worked. In times of sheer emotional duress, the mind *will* go back over the same things, the important things, over and over again, and I appreciated that touch.

You used Illara's stray thoughts effectively at the beginning and end of the thread, emphasising her solitude and sorrow. I would have liked to see you extend the device further throughout the thread, for example as random memories of individual Unfounded as she bade them farewell. I also appreciated Splinter's mention of her contacts, and her destruction of them at the end of the thread symbolising the severance of her ties, but might have enjoyed a further conversation to flesh out her relationship with the rank and file, which was rather told and not necessarily shown.

I think this story capitalised on the strength of your first-person perspective of a well-developed character with a great personal history, but was not quite able to engage the reader in the circumstances that Mongrel sought to cling to and was forced to abandon. I am, on the other hand, highly keen to see where she'll go from here!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed with rewards pending.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

SirArtemis receives 495 EXP, 20 GP and 4 AP!

Flames of Hyperion receives 585 EXP, 20 GP and 2 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards have been added!