Workshop: untitled [Archive]

Rayleigh

09-03-16, 11:37 AM

Name of Completed Thread: untitled (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31339-untitled)
Name of Authors: Rayse Valentino & Abomination
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 3 October 2016

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SirArtemis

09-04-16, 11:05 PM

Story

For me story is something that I feel I can be pretty forgiving with, as I can often times fill in the blanks as well as the gaps that feel unpolished. This is particularly relevant to Althanas, with our fragmented stories. With this one though, one thing that I struggled with immensely was the introduction. Truth be told, it felt like I had walked into a movie a quarter of the way in and wasn't quite sure what was happening or why. Any sort of context would have helped immensely in understanding why Rayse was in this room, and who the abomination was, and what was even going on. As it stands, I still don't know how the story reached this point, and that is very jarring as a reader.

The other thing I will note is that the ending too felt quite abrupt. More than half the thread was a battle between Rayse going all out against a weaker form of the abomination. Then, the last post seals away the assumptive far more powerful version with three gestures of Taische and feels strangely rushed. In fact, the story feels left unfinished. This leaves the start and end as though they are untied ends of the same thread that was roughly torn apart. I feel as though I experienced a memory fragment.

The setting here too was little used. I had the notion that he was fighting in some stone room for the first 60% of the thread, then he woke up with the moon up above, walked into some house with a bunch of alchemical stuff and Taische sleeping where he collapsed. And then he was going through some sort of hallways? If he was in hallways, why was there a moon? Maybe I missed something, but perhaps a bit more attention to interacting with the setting would have helped me experience it more and really have the effect land.

Character

I had a hard time understanding what was going on with the abomination and his motives/thinking process. I got very little insight into the character. But even with Rayse, I got only small comments that references a prior time in his life but so briefly that I was unable to piece things together. I do remember reading the thread where Rayse was pulled back together with a ritual by Karuka, but if this thread recreated it, the effect was vastly different. Even moreso, I still feel incredibly confused by the action described as threading these throwing knives with something from his wrist, using one hand and his teeth? That is incredibly strange to me and I can't quite piece together what is what. That's an action I can't wrap my head around. Then the contrast between his near-death after the end of the fight and how . . . I guess easily he resumed moving onward is also a bit strange. After the fight, I was almost expecting an end to the thread. The idea that there was more action afterward felt like the suspense and tension wasn't actually being released for the reader and instead held at boiling point for far too long. And then Taische's simple ending felt like the lid of the steam cooker blew off rather than emptied out.

Prose

As is often the case with Althanas, proofreading is often ignored. There were some cases where there were typos, where words were duplicated back to back, and at one point your tags were left unclosed on an italic. Generally this is something that can be fixed with a reread but I understand the effort doesn't typically feel justified for many writers here. Still, if you ever want to create a cleaner and smoother read, you're going to have to double back and maybe give it a read out loud to see how things sound and flow. Language redundancy also hits the reader at times throughout the thread.

Wildcard

Overall Rayse I do enjoy reading your stuff, and the two cameo posts used by Taische are always a treat as I love Karuka's writing. The thing with you is that I think oftentimes your visions are tremendous but your execution is a bit rushed. The typos and flow knock me out of that great story I know you have in your head that you're putting down, and sometimes the action scenes are tough to follow even though I know you had a particular way they happened in your mind. If you slow down a smidgen and give your writing the courtesy of a reread or two, the stuff you'd put out would be far cleaner and engaging. You have the creativity, but there's a disconnect between myself as a reader and what you have to share, and I wholeheartedly wish I could experience the narrative you're trying to share. I know you know your character, but I want to know your character. I know you know his history and story and personality and behavior, but I don't, and I want to. I know you know his feelings, but I only know the thoughts, and not how those thoughts make him feel. He surely has more gestures and body language that I'm not seeing.

Still, I enjoy your work and hope to read more. If you have any questions please let me know. I hope this was helpful.