Workshop: Shadow over Concordia

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: Shadow over Concordia (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31005-BoC-Shadow-Over-Concordia&p=267140#post267140)
Name of Author: Philomel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 5th October 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Remember, if you post before 11:59 PM (ET) on Monday, September 5th, you'll receive x3 AP!

[Breaker]

Thanks for submitting to the writers' workshop! I enjoyed reading "Shadow Over Concordia" over the past two days. Hopefully I'll be able to provide some insight you'll find helpful, although it has been awhile since I've done one of these, so bear with me.

Storytelling: This was a nice neat little setting-the-stage story, and I liked how you avoided the trap of letting that make it a story without an ending. This had an ending, and denouement, which I particularly enjoyed. Since death is so often considered temporary on Althanas, the time Philomel and the Gilded Lily spent mourning their fallen was a good dose of something different. Overall I'd say you have an excellent grasp on the structural elements of storytelling, and the ability to deliver them with finesse.

Setting: The setting in this story was beautiful at times, used effectively throughout, and at times perhaps a little bit forgotten. As elegant as your character work is, I felt like at times the internal monologue washed out the setting, leaving the actual happenings a little disconnected. Overall the setting was vivid and enjoyable, if a bit sparse in certain sections.

Pacing: This thread started off with a steady beat that carried it through a nice acceleration for the battle scene and then slowed down appropriately for the latter end of the story. It helped keep me interested, which is key because even for writing I enjoy, it is hard to keep my attention. Great job!

Communication: The conversational dialogue between characters was one of the highlights of this story, as you have great skill in consistently representing multiple perspectives simultaneously. The characters' voices stayed true throughout the story, and I particularly enjoyed the banter between Vaeron and Philomel.

Action: While the action was all good, and I'll delve into the battle in a moment, I think adding a few more casual actions could help with the problem with gaps in the setting. This would also add to your overall character work, and make the flow of your scenes a bit more seamless. One easy way to add casual actions is to have your character show their emotions with gestures and body language, rather than just telling how they feel. When doing this be careful not to go into too much detail, as it can become clunky. Regarding the battle scene, it was great overall but I think you could sharpen up your combat by adding a bit more detail to it.

Persona: Your character work was both compelling and congruent, and I got to witness a nice little arc of Philomel's growth, which I thought was great. Your internal monologue with her is very strong, and that strength extended to the personas of the various other characters you employed.

Mechanics: There were a number of mechanical errors, the most prevalent ones being using the wrong word by accident (typos) and run on sentences. It seems you have a strong love for commas, and on occasion this bogged down the story's flow enough to break my focus. For this reason and a couple others I think reading your posts back to yourself out loud could be very helpful. If you have trouble getting through a sentence in a single breath, consider restructuring it into multiple smaller sentences, or performing other appropriate edits.

Clarity: As I mentioned above, there were a few occasions where the sentence structure marred your clarity a bit. Additionally during combat your tendency to tell rather than show left a few segments somewhat unclear. Overall however your writing was coherent and easy to follow; I particularly appreciated your ability to keep the setting consistent while moving around to different parts of a scene.

Technique: Your metaphors were quite beautiful, and the best advice I can give here is to find more ways of integrating them into your writing. You have an excellent foundation of technical writing, so now all that's left is to continue studying the craft and experimenting with your use of words.

Wildcard: Underground dragon for the win.

Congratulations on a thread well written! I hope to see some sequels to this story in the near future :)

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop will close soon. You have two days to submit your feedback!

[Remedy]

Hi Phi,

This was a short, but nice thread. I quite liked it, and it was good to see how Philomel’s story was progressing. I suppose I’m somewhat unique in that I have seen bits and pieces of Philomel’s story develop overtime without being a direct contributor. Anyway, onto the comments!

To start, I quite liked the thread title, however it sounded more like a horror story, or a dark themes thread. (eg. Shadow over Innsmouth). I suppose it was hinting at the changes and stranger brotherhood. I assume you are setting them up as an antithesis of the Guilded Lilly.

I know this was an Althie day thread, so it was probably rushed to finish. I’ll still provide feedback as if you had all the time in the world :P

Story
I was a bit confused by the context of the story. I understand some of the Ixian Knight history, so I understood much of the set up, but not all of it. I still didn’t really understand why Phi hated the Ixians so much, or what they were doing setting up the new base (did that have anything to do with the Ixians?). I felt as if there was another post, right at the start, that was missing. In it you could have set up the background leading to the events.

This was somewhat replicated through the thread. These little things were distracting when a sentence or two would have cleared it up. Who was who? What is that plant? What is a ‘cat person’? and so on.

As for the story arch, this seems more like a set up and some between thread stuff. There wasn’t an overarching plot to drive the thread.


Character
I really like the character Philomel. She has always struck me as a strong female presence. This thread there was a bit more weakness, especially stubbornness, mixed in. I really liked that. Being lost in thought, getting angry, shrieking, etc, all really helped her come across as a well-rounded character. I’m going to hark back to that ‘show don’t tell’ comment from earlier. It would have been nice to hear more emotions that went through Phi when she buried her comrades. Did her hands shake? Her voice quake as she buried her own? Did she cough to clear away the shaky voice she knew was waiting her words?

There was one bit of character that I didn’t like, I thought it detracted from the story and from Philomel:


and smiled as she knew now that her names would be with the greatest of them in the history books, so that generations to come people would know her name.

That was a bit too much grandiosity. This is also where your narrative voice and character voice became mixed. Is the narrator saying she’ll be the best name, or is that what Philomel was thinking?

As the thread continued I actually found myself less drawn to Phi. She seemed to cast off the weaknesses that humanised her. It sort of came and went, she was perfect, then human, then perfect, then human again. I think this comes about because your narrator and Phi’s thoughts are very closely linked. Putting in some hints at weakness and clearly separating out the thought would work wonders. That said, Talen has the emotional depth of a brick, so perhaps I’m not one to talk.


Prose
I found some of the sentences confusing, but overall I thought you did a good job. A little note, I found that you would often repeat a concept a few times as you wrote.

For example:
‘It has been said that nobody is a villain in their own story. That in fact, we're all the heroes of our own stories. This story will make you wonder who are the true villains in the world, and who are the heroes. ‘

Villain, story, hero, story, story, villain, hero.

In regards to setting, I think it might help to switch up the way you describe the scenery. Phi always strikes me as revelling in her sexuality, using words like lick, caress, touch, swallow, etc, could work well with her. Also try and push descriptions throughout your post rather than in clumps. You would often throw a block of setting, then say what was happening, then another block of setting. A few times I wanted you to give me a bit as the story went on. One of the most noticble was at the start:


"Shut up," Philomel admonished him.

He just snorted, but did not smile. The man, injured from an old fight, could not do so.

I really, really wanted to know what that meant. Does he have a disfiguring scar?

He just snorted, but his twisted cheeks could not break into a smile. A battle long ago had split his face and time had filled it with red scar tissue. Even now his words carried a distinctive slur.

I know later you go into this, and do go into his scars, but I would have liked this way back at the start, not post 10.

That's it from me! Good job and well done :D

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Workshop rewards as follows:

Breaker receives 960 EXP, 25 GP and 4 AP!
Remedy receives 180 EXP, 25 GP and 4 AP!

Thank you for your contributions!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!