Workshop: Old Habits Die Hard

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Old Habits Die Hard (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31381-Old-habits-die-hard-(closed-to-Breaker)&highlight=old+habits+die+hard)
Name of Author: Shinsou Vaan Osiris and Breaker
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 16 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 21st October 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

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4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Remedy]

Hi Shin and Breaker. I enjoyed the read of your thread. Both of you have fairly solid writing styles, so I think it would be waste for me to try and comment on those aspects of the thread (especially when I am probably the worst proof reader on the site). I’ll focus on the story and the characters.

Shin, just one thing I noticed about your writing. Sometimes you have superfluous words. The example below is probably where you were distracted midsentence, or changed something during a proof. You did this a bit, specifically by saying things like ‘where Shinsou belived’ or ‘Possibly where Shinsou’. You don’t need all those qualifiers.


Oddly, they seemed to fit perfectly and clung to Shinsou’s form, which was strange.

In regards to the story and characters, I didn’t really buy how quickly the two trusted each other. It seemed that the trial of breaking out of their cells had way more impact on both of them than it should have. Rather, I think that trust should have come from the battle with the Orc. By forcing both men to work together, forcing them to trust each other, the connection would have seemed much more plausible. It also felt as if the thread finished quite quickly. In a way, Breaker was the hero of the story and Shin was the sidekick (or perhaps Breaker the old powerful hero, and Shin the lovable rouge he takes under his wing). To make those sort of stories work, the less heroic character need to do something heroic to cement the relationship.

The progression of the thread was something like:

Cell Trial > Gain Trust > Orc Trial > Back Ground > Set Up for next thread


The lack of suspicion felt weird, if however it had been like this:

Cell Trial > Minor Suspicion > Orc Trial > Trust > Minor Trial* > etc

(*perhaps even just Shin helping carry Breaker to the end point)


I also think that you both could have employed Chekhov's gun principles with your story. Breaker lost his strength, but it barely stopped him. What if the pair had to fight something embodying the powers that had been taken from Breaker? It could have even wielded Shin’s swords, and used something like the powers Shin has awoken.


@ Shin: I understood the reason for the jump back in time and Shin’s father. I don’t know if it was necessary to have it be quite that long. It would have been nice to end it with something else as well. You spoke of the connection between sword and owner, but that last line of dialogue about Shin’s sword seemed lacking. You could have used it as an opportunity to set up the next part of your post.

“…No, it’s alright, I can answer that last question. Xun, the truth is that Enpera was the most powerful Kurai sword on the face of Telgradia. I only ever got to see its third stage, Enpera Kurohitsugi, once…and I’m glad about that. It was definitely more powerful than mine.”

What about adding in something like ‘Yes, it’s true that Enpera was the most powerful Kurai sword, and possibly still is. But it is not the sword that wields that power alone. Without that connection and strength of character from the owner… well you might as well be holding a twig.’

There was a big focus on the sword as the source of power, which seemed to contradict the earlier comments about the connection.

It might have been worth looking at how Bleach goes about having their characters communicate with their swords. 100% loyalty is a bit boring. Think about the dynamics of Hitsugaya, Renji or Yumichika. All three have very different ways of talking about and interacting with their blades. Hitsugaya refers to his blade as stubborn, and has to work very hard to commune with it. Yumichika teases his blade, limiting its transformation. All these add more depth to their characters.


@ Breaker: You had solid action writing, I especially found the fight with the Orc easy to follow and understand. Joshua seems quite emotionless when not around the goddess. I’m not sure that was on purpose or not. He seemed incredibly nonchalant, and quickly assumed his goddess was the reason. Perhaps if you had drawn out the stage before he got to that conclusion there might have been some good exploration of his character. What, for example, would he have done if he thought something had happened to his goddess and stripped his powers? Could we have seen him panic, or go made with rage?

That’s about it from me, good work guys, I look forward to seeing how you both progress this story line….. BANKAI

http://orig09.deviantart.net/3396/f/2010/349/8/4/senbonzakura__s_bankai___gif_by_doomstar6-d34xfb3.gif

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Going to allow an extension on this to 15th November 2016 so people can earn some AP.

[Mari]

This is my first workshop thingie so forgive me if I did not do too well! Staff, please advise me if I need to add more or change it up a bit.


Storytelling
I liked the story, the set-up drew me in. Why the hell were they there? They were from two completely different backgrounds, doing two completely different things yet wound up in the same place. It left intrigue and made the reader want to read more.


Setting
Oh god, i am not going to have a lot to say on some o’ these subject matters. Oopsie!

THe setting was good; IT was very apparent they were initially in a jail cell; however I felt it a bit unbelievable that everything was set up ‘just so’

The runes, the walls, the ease into the narrow passages.

Despite that, both of you showed excellent ablility in describing the scenery around you; even more so- you INTERACTED with it. I love when people actually interact with the setting around them. I don’t see it often enough.

The way they struggled to get through certain areas; how the rushing water affected the level of their voices, and the smells from the moss and to a further extent the ogres breath. Much yay. Many goodness.



Pacing
The thread moved at a wonderful pace. I can’t exactly fault it. It was quick and to the point. I’m not one for fights, so I’m personally glad it was resolved quickly. However the only somewhat negative thing I have to say is that I do feel that the two should have had a little more trouble with the two giant orcs, especially due to them still getting used to not being able to have any of their abilities.



Character
Joshua and Shin seem like two very strong and hardy characters with similar ideals.

I have to somewhat agree with Remedy here, it feels like the two have barely spoken a word to each other and yet already began to trust each other immensely. However, in saying that - the situation they were placed in left them very little choice to do so. I just feel if there were still some forms of doubt in their minds every so often it’d feel a little more realistic.


Communication
Unfortunately, not knowing the characters well enough its difficult for me to make a proper judgement on communication, however I believe I am only meant to do it based on this thread. So that’s what I will do.

In regards to the initial runes on the ceiling, I liked that it was clarified it was ‘tradespeak’ rather than just “oh look magic runes and lol I can read them.” They had a language, and it was one that was understood.

Ahh..the orcs..Loved the way you made them talk, they are sub-human and would have little dialect. I enjoyed how one seemed smarter than the other, but they still spoke/acted in unison - as I imagine orcs would. So two and a half thumbs up from this lass!




Persona



Fuck this. I don’t know why I’m here, but this hotel is awful and I’m checking out. I’ll find the bastard who did this to me later, but I want my weapons back first.


I loved this, the post started out dark, and this broke it with some light humour; but didn't detract from the situation at hand



Prose

"My name is Joshua Cronen," he spoke into the crack in the wall. For the moment he had to assume the man on the other side was somehow involved in this strange kidnapping, but for the moment he could do little more than play along.


I felt the double use of the phrase 'For the moment' wasn't needed here, it made me pause and had to re-read the sentence again. I'd have changed it up, or forgone it entirely.



The risk of killing his new companion was like a proverbial noose around his neck and he could feel the rope tighten with every breath.
I really liked this; I had to say, I loved the imagery of the risk that was being taken in those dire movements, and how if one died, it surely meant the quick death of the other.





Wildcard
I wasn’t sure where else to put this so I am putting it here. I liked that throughout the thread, Shin made reference to his injured shoulder. Often; when people have injury at the start of a thread, they either forget about it or aren’t bothered by it near the end of the thread, when little to no time has passed. I enjoyed seeing that his shoulder continually bothered him - it showed realism.

I also liked the constant references and thoughts Joshua made to his goddess, it showed that he was truly loyal/devout to her. Something that is often hard to depict in text without them seeming fanatical. However, Breaker had written this just right.




Overall it was a excellent read and I enjoyed it immensely, there were a few times i had to re-read sections, but beyond that the story drew me in. I enjoyed the banter - quick action and mild humour inserted throughout the thread.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Rewards as follows:

Remedy receives 240 EXP, 4 AP and 35 GP!
Mari receives 240 EXP, 4 AP and 35 GP!

Thank you for your participation and feedback!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!