The Marked Man

[Storm Veritas]

The pub was bustling as usual, always a place for an adventurer to frequent and set out on something unexpected. Storm Veritas had learned in his travels that there was very little that could not spring forth from a night drinking, and though many of his exploits were far from wholesome, most of them had been productive. Tonight, he was a scout, looking about for some sort of opportunity, whatever could strike his whim. A lovely lady, a little gambling, or maybe just something nice to eat, drink, or smoke.

He sat in a chair in the center of the room, propped on the back legs with his heels resting comfortably on the table in front of him. The noise and song of harps and high-pitched elfspeek was somewhat annoying, but the smiles on faces and fast-dropping glasses more than made up for it. The honey-flavored mead here was smooth and cheap, and the elves treated him with a modicum of respect – something rare for outsiders. Apparently, the alcohol loosened up those tolerances.

He did itch to smoke. The one thing that he missed most from Radasanth was that no one here smoked. Pipes, perhaps, but cigarettes were more his style. Sleeker, faster, more convenient, and smoother tasting. These thin people didn’t know what they were missing, and looked at him the first time he smoked like a murderer. The fact that he was, in fact, a murderer was secondary to the gaze, and vastly unwarranted. Fine. Their precious safety standards were high here, and if they let him drink, he’d sacrifice smoking.

At least indoors.

He rocked forward and jumped up, a sleek-dressed vixen of an elf woman startled by it all. He slammed down a short glass of the beer and kissed her on the cheek, shocking her more and upsetting more than a few courters who wouldn’t be so bold. Dropping a few coins in the now empty glass, he turned back to find her wide, bright eyes still fawning over him.

“Sorry sugar, didn’t mean to scare such a pretty face off you.”

She smiled and looked long at him, despite the lingering scorn of several other patrons. Storm simply smiled back, and made for the door. He’d be back; this would only take a moment.

He rushed through the door, the cutesy jingle as he left sort of warm and fond. This was a nice place, he thought, a place where he was free from the sins of the past. Pursing the cigarette between his lips, a snap of his fingers sent a tiny arc of white-blue across the paper’s tip. A small fire ensued, and his mouth was filled with that sweet, succulent taste again.

Perfect. Just perfect… Cool night, nice place, nice buzz, no worries. All the money in the world doesn’t hurt much either.

He smiled, a warm and fine thing that he hadn’t remembered having done so frequently in quite a while. The voice of an approaching stranger over his shoulder was not uncommon, but the large, heavy jawed man he saw with broad shoulders and a heavy beard certainly was. There weren’t many humans on Alerar in these parts, and the steely gaze from cold blue eyes told of more serious intentions than borrowing a smoke.

“Evening Storm…” he began, his voice low so as to be inconspicuous. “You’re not an easy man to find. Didn’t think I’d get you in Radasanth before you left, but I didn’t expect you to come all the way out here, either.”

A tiny hop of fear. How did the man know him? Had he come to close an old debt, or pay back for a loved one crossed? Those days were behind Veritas for the most part, but the tall, lean mage knew that to many enemies, sins of the past would linger long into his future.

His cold gaze met the bearded man head on, speaking volumes of strength and posturing. The eyes of the other human broke slightly, a nervous smile breaking off one side of his mouth.

“Relax” he started, wrapping an arm gently around the shoulders of Storm. “I come here in peace, needing justice, needing a friend. Needing something wrong that’s been done righted.”

So the traveler listened, and nodded, and agreed. Discussions took an hour or so, and many came out to smoke or pee or leave and didn’t notice the duo. Inside, the frolicking continued, and Storm felt his buzz lighten over time. It was fine. The terms of the deal were simple, the conditions absolute. Shaking hands in quiet alliance, he accepted a thick sack of coins at the outset. The rest would come later.

And so, his vile deeds were perhaps not after him at all.

[Lady Blackwell]

The pub was very busy at this time of day, which wasn’t unusual at all just everyone seemed more chatty and enthusiastic. Max was in the corner by himself he had recently came to Alerar to escape familiarities with everyone else in his life. This was his relaxing time alone and isolated.

There was a man that seemed very contempt with the way he was legs up on the table perfectly relaxed. This man was sending out a vibe to Max a vibe he was familiar too an evil vibe. He received this from Clyde and all the bandit’s he has been around. When the man rocked forward finished his drink and kissed the elf that shocked Max maybe he wasn’t that evil after all.

Everyone stopped chatting and looked at this new thing happening. It was completely quiet well almost. The man got up and walked out of the tavern and into the streets. Max needed to find out something and so he decided to follow him out. As he left he tossed three gold coins towards his table and tossed a single gold coin to the elf apologizing for the man’s behavior.


Max took out a smoke and started to light one so he looked like all the other guys outside. As he went to approach the man that was just inside another man called his name and approached and so Max hung back. It took a while for them to talk and so Max went to the bathroom. While the men were talking they must have came to some sort of deal. He didn’t have anymore time Max had to talk to this man whether or not this other man was there. As Max approached the two men he made it look like he would pass but as he got closer they shook hands and the man from the tavern was handed a sack of gold.

“Hey you two, I have a question.” Max asked as he approached “You from the tavern you’re a troublemaker or used to be ehh? And you bearded man you’ve come to offer a deal to him and possibly another.”

Max stood beside the two of them looking at each of them waiting for a response.

[Storm Veritas]

There was something to be said for trust; it was a thing that Storm gave out as sparingly as he could. He had learned many years before that trust left you weak, it left you compromised, and it forced you to adapt to the whim of someone else's desire. He had no place for it within his normal strategic operations, least of all to someone whom he had never seen before.

As such, the approach of the young man was far from welcome. When the unassuming young man spoke to him, the almost childlike tone was far from welcome. His implication held that he knew something of the wily Veritas, but public knowledge seemed to be more lore and legend than any form of tacit fact. This made two who knew more of him than should be expected in such a distant land, and this fact disquieted the traveler significantly.

"I'd suggest you know as little about me as possible," he began, speaking with an even tone through a cold gaze. "Things work out better for people when they don't get involved with me."

The bearded solicitor looked on with amazement, a bit shaken by what had just transpired. Was Storm Veritas not the anonymous assasin he needed him to be? What would come of the arrangement, the deal, the plan? Had he just thrown money at a public problem?

Storm's head swirled as he tried to figure a solution. His instinct was to end it; a quick knife across the throat would never be caught, and this skinny young fool wouldn't stand a chance to stop it. Were he to do that, though, would be a major regression, and it would also mark him a fugitive in a new land. This would be unacceptable, as his feet were tired from running. There was a difference between "assasin" and "murderer", and he preferred the professional approach.

"Listen," he whispered, wrapping an arm around the shoulders of the youth. "You've just walked yourself into a very bad situation, the wrong guy at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Normally, coming out here would leave you missing, leaving pieces of you in a dumpster behind Radasanth. To be honest, my patience is f*cking tried all too often by meddlers. I prefer to work alone."

He was fuming now, his eyes narrow slits as he spoke with a forked tongue.

"Yet I'm trying to be the better man here. Trying to step in the right direction, you know?

"I'm no fool. I can't tell you to march your merry ass back in the bar, buy you a drink and hope you forget about this. So you're going to have to come with me for this.

"Of course..." calmed again, his hostility now masked with a smile. "There is another option. You can try to run, not help me, try to tell the police, and you'll never be heard of again."

Charm was not at the top of his agenda. He needed to be efficient and clear to the boy. Time was short; they would need to leave immediately.

[Lady Blackwell]

Anger and rage flickered past Max’s eyes at what storm spoke, Max didn’t like being talked down to even if it was by a superior. He rested his hand on the hilt of his sword and made sure storm knew he wasn’t going to be talked down to and he wasn’t going to make a move, last thing he needed was too defend himself here.

“Well I’m sorry there Veritas but I’m not one to be told what to do but I will have a fair cut in this I’m being paid just as you are and there’s nothing you could really do about it. You could kill me right here right now but aren’t you trying to keep a low down here, I’m familiar to bandits I grew up with bandits I know how they act and when they want to lay low. So you can’t trick me with your small tricks.” Max said with confidence in his voice.

He didn’t want Veritas to be surprised by this in fact he wanted him to be angered for a reason that he could prove himself to this man.

“Hey bearded man you got any extra of that gold for me seeing as I am now going along with this plan whatever it is. I am expecting full payment and if you want I can prove something to you guys right now on any passer by.” Max said as he started to focus his mana into his hand ready to use his paralysis touch

Max looked around he saw this place for what it really was when he was out here those few times before he didn’t look at the scenery but right now he was for some reason. He saw the great tavern behind them made from mighty oak and other strong wood. And along the single wide dirt path separating the two sides were other places ranging from the sheriffs office to Gentleman’s Club all this made Max feel very happy inside and for this he had no idea why.

“By the way Veritas I’m Maximillian Cannon you can call me Max.”

[Storm Veritas]

Storm Veritas had quickly found a few ways to hate Maximillian Cannon. The brash, over-bold young boy was clearly over his head, and yet spoke so boldly against Storm that you would think he were a grizzled ten year veteran. He stepped in on the cut, oblivious to the fact that the biggest cut was likely to be dragged across his throat.

One more word, one quick move. It will all be over before that chipper little pre-pubescent ass of yours can raise a hand to protest.

What made matters worse is that the boy was right. Storm didn’t want to be high profile here. He didn’t want to make a name for himself here. He’d done as much in Corone, and it left him an outcast, an outsider wandering the lam in search of peace and quiet. Now he saw shades of a younger self in the cavalier attitude of Max; he wanted to prove himself, work in on deals, nickel-dime a bit and take whatever chump change he can muster.

“Save your test of strength for the carnival, kid,” Storm began, whispering and keeping the youth calm and complacent. “Because you wouldn’t be coming along if I wasn’t all but forced to take you.”

“But if you’re gonna work, keep your mouth shut. Do what I tell you, stay out of the way, and don’t ever let yourself get seen.

“Such things are fine things to fail in getting a man killed.”

By now, he had pulled the boy further into the darkness, away from the bearded man who would be put off by the juvenile behavior of the younger warrior. The boy was put together finely, muscle packed and very strong. Veritas was sure that the lad could handle a fight and hold his own just as well. There was more to it than that.

“Now go home, son.” Storm looked the boy in the eye, powder white tendrils lacing across his otherwise steely eyes. “Meet in the morning, right here. About an hour before noon or so.” He began to walk away.

“Get yourself laid, or get some sleep. You’ll need either good rest to work well or a good memory to leave the planet with.”

With a smile, he turned to the darkness, heading out into the wood. Like a flash, he was gone, embraced by the night and obscured from vision. The real fun would wait for the cock’s crow.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max listened to this man and he seemed like he knew what he was doing but then again he did kind of have a reputation around his home town for being a killer. Max didn't want to do anything more tonight regarding this so he went back into the tavern a put himself up for the night.

The next morning Max met Veritas outside the tavern. He looked at this man and looked at his own glowing hand which max had put mana into just in case Veritas tried anything, and spoke with such boldness it even surprised him

“Look Veritas I only know of you from my village you were once a killer and I still have the feeling you are.” Max recalled the stories his father had told him.

“I grew up with bandits I know the bad people and the good people just by looking at them. You see my hand? One touch to your neck right now and your down and out long enough for me to kill you.” Max said as his ego boosted the slight bit.

“I don’t mean to sound aggressive but I do not do anything because I am forced too. I only do it of my own free will if I do this its cause I want to but no this if I don’t go I will not go to the guards I never do I can easily handle whatever anyone throws at me so I am not afraid of you or anyone out there.” Max was starting to get angry.

Max then discharged his focused mana from his hand into the surrounding air. He then walked away from Veritas a short distance and looked back and mumbled something about not wanting to hurt Veritas in anyway.

[Storm Veritas]

He’d have to take the boy down a peg.

It was one thing to be bold, brave, or cocky. There was a time that Storm was all of these things, and he was resigned to accept that this youth - this same foolish boy that had forced himself on the grizzled veteran – was merely asserting himself, trying to make a name for himself in a tough world. Everyone had tried it at some point or another.

But don’t you ever threaten me, boy…

His face sneered as the young man boasted of his incapacitating ability. His hand buzzed quickly, the soft buzz tingling like pins and needles. He would give no warning. A flick of his wrist and a mighty blast of energy exploded from his hand, earth erupting away and splitting itself like a mighty thunderclap had hit. The boy toppled back, flying through the air backwards and crashing to the ground some ten feet behind where he once stood.

His lips still pursed in an angry scowl, Storm raised his fingers, still smoking from the tiny blast. Tall and lithe, he looked down at the boy under a furrowed brow and spoke in a voice that was deep and forceful, yet not condescending. The arrogance in the boy brought up fond memories of a Storm Veritas that had once entered Althanas, green and wet behind the ears but brave and strong.

“If your skills are as good as you say they are, don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to prove yourself.

“…But not on me. Not now, not ever. I’ve stared down gods, boy, and no rookie is going to teach me anything about fighting.”

He turned quickly, breathing deeply and looking at the lad. Bright eyes and potential beneath a phony-tough façade. He would have to serve a purpose. There was a perfect job for him… the distraction.

“OK, kid, here’s the deal…” Storm spoke in a whisper, a gruff voice that came above a condescending tone. “You’ll need to stay tight to me and quiet. We’ve got one job, and it should be fairly simple. It’s also right here in Alerar, so we don’t have to travel much.”

He smiled and turned, the sun coming up behind him and casting a dark silhouette around his periphery.

“Stand against me again, though…

“The next blast doesn’t hit your feet.”

[Lady Blackwell]

Max hit the ground with a thud.

I guess i sounded aggresive.

Max said as he started to get up Veritas certainly wasn't a man to triffle with something Max should of known from his bandit day's but for some reason that just didn't come to mind.

"Sir, My deepest apolagies i didn't mean anything by the way i spoke. It being here in Alerar is just a bonus travel doesnt bother me." Max said as he got up and made sure no mana was around his hand. "And Veritas sir, You have no worries about me keeping up it's extremely hard to lose me."

He leaned up against the pole as Veritas spoke his final words.

"Don't you worry veritas if i ever want to stand against you again i will not broudcast it i will rather do it. you will not know what hit you." Max said as he then waited for their departure.

[Storm Veritas]

It should have been an easy enough job. Queen Valsharess had a certain way of taking care of her enemies, and it seemed she had sought Storm to do a bit of dirty work. Apparently a city clerk of Ettermire had found out too much. He needed merely to find the man, eliminate him, and do it quickly. Of course, it would have to look like a mugging, or an accident. Both would be fine.

Yet with the boy… will it really help?

It was hard to say, he supposed. Ettermire was pretty busy, with the little experience he had. He would be able to benefit from the addition of another, if for nothing aside from a lookout. At the same time, he had yet to figure out the methodology completely. There were ideas, plans, but second thoughts followed him all the way into town. He walked with the boy, speaking and explaining what needed to be done.

((Two Days Later))

Ettermire was bright, warmer than he had expected. The consistent themes of polished teakwood buildings and warm, glistening marble complimented each other well. The buildings of golden foiled domes were brilliant, and the sun sprinkled down over the mostly elven city with a shimmering, honeysuckle radiance. The homes, located in long, straight rows down the cobblestone streets like spokes from the wheel of Ettermire center, were uniform and comforting. They stood tall like trees but narrow, and resembled trees with their consistent wooden architecture.

“Down here, kid…” Storm was speaking plainly, dressed in a pressed gray suit with French cuffs and cufflinks. It was his normal diplomatic attire, which gave him a proud, aloof appearance. Most left him alone, looking at their feet as he glared with cocky indifference. “This street, fourth house. Simple enough. Her name is Tet’yara Covington, and she lives alone.”

It should have been so simple.

((OK, we’re in Ettermire now, near the home of the assassination target. Move it forward as you see fit.))

[Lady Blackwell]

((Alright well I guess Bandit brother will have to use some magic I want to be silent but yet fun at the same time so either you can move in and assassinate as bandit paralysis a few or you can wait tell he’s done its really up to you))

Somewhere before they entered the town Veritas had somehow changed into a nice French outfit and was telling him where the target was and what Max guessed to be all he knew about the target.

“Well for this Assassination we don’t want to make a fuss out of this so ill go scout out the street and around the house, if you would be so kind as to watch my swords?” Max said as he took off his great sword and his long sword and stuck them deep in the earth around where Veritas was

He then proceeded forward trying to blend in but it was quite hard for him around all these Dark Elves, Especially seeing as he himself was human and wore a glorious white cloak that billowed behind him in the breeze. He reached the house and didn’t stop walking as this would draw attention to himself instead he walked over to a nearby tree and leaned against it as he eyed up the house to see if there were any guards.

There was none outside that Max could see but just on the other side of a window he saw a man pacing nervously as Max could barely make out a few helmets on some heads in there moving. This he had to report Veritas so he headed back.

((Feel free to get guards running after my guy or let him reach you and report his findings it doesn’t matter it’s up to you if u want a silent or noisy assassination))

[Storm Veritas]

Things were working out quite perfectly. If there was one thing that Storm could count on, it was a distinct lack of discretion on the behalf of the fledgling adventurer who called himself Max.

Max… Volume? Max… Obvious? This kid is spitting out words like “murder” and “assassination” like he’s talking about a god-damned bake sale. This is perfect!

He watched as the youth walked towards the edge of a nearby house, as subtle as the day was short. On the inside stood the man Storm had indicated would be the target. He was tall and noble looking, with a sloping brow and commanding presence. The jocular laughter from inside the home rode out the windows on the back of sweet scented winds. The party was roaring, and Max Cannon had walked into the middle of it unaware.

Across the tree-lined village, Storm stood by the door of the actual home, a well guarded house where two elves routinely patrolled. His very approach brought their glaring eyes, but he softened the blow with a gentle, cowardly tone.

“Excuse me, sir… over there.. the man in the cape! He has a knife, and was whispering something… I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’m a bit concerned.”

He was quickly clasped by the second guard, who stood lithe and athletic by the massive oaken door. With a long, shining halberd in his left hand, the guard had no idea that this pitiful whistle-blowing young man was comfortably palming a long, freshly sharpened blade.

Storm tried very hard to hold a cold, concerned look as the guard ran to approach his companion Max. A second guard that Veritas had failed to account for was also ushered in from his post around the corner. They converged on the boy, moving swiftly in bee-lines at the lad.

The knife slipped into his fingers, poised and at the ready. The first sound he heard would be the last one his captive guard would ever hear.

[Lady Blackwell]

As Max approached the trees where Veritas was he noticed Veritas was missing but left his blades there.

“Veritas where are you” Max whispered as he turned and saw Two big guards wielding halberds coming at him. “Did I really broadcast myself that much?”

Max grabbed His Long sword that was stunk in the ground and sheathed it as he grabbed his Great sword and wielded that. The guards ran straight at him and when they started swinging there halberds Max started attacking back.

”Nothing like a nice fight in the morning” Max thought as he blocked the one guards assault and saw the other one out of the corner of his eye.

”SHIT”

Max jumped to the side just as the second guards halberd slammed into the ground where his foot was a few seconds ago.

“Why are you guy’s so hostile?” Max said as he charged his hand full of mana and hit a guard’s upper arm rendering that arm useless. The other guard ran over and swung down enraged with all his strength straight to the upper body of Max.

“SHIT!”

Max brought his great sword up to try and block the man’s assault. The halberd shattered the Great sword and sent Max flying backwards into a tree with a low Thud!

Max got up slowly as he said “You two really have no idea what your up against do you?”

The guards just looked at each other then the other guard’s arm that was immobile before coming at Max again. “Fine that was your final warning”

Max unsheathed his long sword and ran at the guards. He ducked under the first ones halberd and sliced him through the side dropping him to the ground dead . And he got up and stabbed the other guard in the stomach.

“Don’t ever try me again.” Max said as he discharged the mana in his hand creating a bright white light discharge from the forest.

[Storm Veritas]

In the end, the kill was the easy part.

The plan had transpired seamlessly. Storm had been a killer for an awful long time, and his instincts were swifter, sharper, and more advanced than any that Alerar had seen. The guard that held him had no idea that the man he constrained was a monster, and if he had, it would have been fruitless to try to stop him anyway. Veritas had long before learned the key to these assassinations, the key to successfully eradicating targets without being seen. More importantly, he would not be remembered.

No hesitation. No doubts. Just do it. Shut up and be done with it.

He was lethal, it was plain and simple. He plunged his dagger deep into the underside of the guard’s jaw. It pressed through soft and then hard palate, driving up into the squishy, crunchy recesses of the skull. He pulled it back just as quickly, drawing down the dagger and dropping the stunned guard to his knees. The poor man held hands to his throat, as the whole event transpired far too quickly. Thoughts of doubt and bewilderment, shock and fear enveloped him as the blood poured from his mouth and he drowned in the salty wave.

I’m sorry.

Storm took three steps up shoddy stairs to the front door, which entered with an easy push. He was quiet enough, but fast. Always fast. His target was the tallest one, a gallant man who was engaged in conversation with two much younger women. Storm had eyed him, keyed him, learned where in the room he would be. A sloping forehead, aquiline nose, and the large, doe-like eyes so characteristic of the dark elves. His olive, almost freakishly green complexion somehow carried well upon his posture, and the white locks that hung from his head were tied taut behind him. The clothes were lavish, with the tailored coat and the billowed cuffs. There was no mistake.

In three steps Veritas was to him, all eyes turning to the intruder, but more confusion than anger. There were older folk about, women and men all looking pompous and overstuffed. He knew this type well; they were not the sort to take action. There would be no hesitation. Steps four and five were the kill. A single stab to the stomach, driving the blade deep. As the man bowed forward, the left hand came across, spraying blood as a well sharpened second dagger carved its way through thick tissue in the neck. He felt the cut personally, just as the life of a man who could have been fair, just, and good fell to polished hardwood at his feet.

You can't think about him. Get out. Out just as fast.

Storm turned and walked out calmly, the gasps of women behind him. His stomach pulled, he had done it again. In this world of killers and good-doers, he repeatedly earned the role of villain. No elf would stand up to the killer without hesitation, and it was merely the hesitation and confusion that bought him time. It was his own unique ability to separate from the death, the loss, the remorse. Three steps, out the door. He unbuttoned and discarded his coat, casting it effortlessly aside. The scarlet-stained cloth lay terribly by the stairs, not moments after two blood drenched daggers were wiped somewhat clean in the pockets.

He glared at it, only for a second, a passing look. In the cloth lay the blood of another man, perhaps a good one. One Storm had taken from the earth for little more than money. One that had brought back the monster, setting Veritas back scores in the progressive fight for his very soul.

Just go.

And he would leave. Cries from inside rang to the treeline, the village alerted only to some unknown wrongdoing. Veritas looked towards the boy, who had easily dispatched a few guards. He would say nothing, merely evacuating quietly into the shadows. If the lad were half as skilled as he claimed, escaping wouldn’t be an issue for him, and the two intruders would be vague memories in the night.

In the end, the kill was the easy part.

It always is. Just the KILLING that makes it hard.

[Lady Blackwell]

After looking at his sword in dismay as it lay on the ground in pieces from the Gaurds attack, he heard screams coming from down the street. If he had not of been looking for Veritas he would not of seen him move around and out of the city. Max grabbed his longsword and sheathed it as he dusted off his cloak and pants as he climbed a tree an jumped from limb to limb to ctach up to Veritas.

Once he was there he jumped down just infront and kept moving while looking back saying.

"You coming or what? i dont like having slow pokes on my team." within moments of them leaving the city limits Max had bumped into a few bandits.

"Well, well well if it isn't Maximillian Cannon! the famous left hand of our bandit lord." the leader of this group said as he moved closer.

"Well obviously your from the same camp as me but i wouldnt even go that far. you guys look to weak to be part of it." Max Smirked as he unsheathed his sword and ran headfirst into the group of 5 bandits. He was hoping to get this to surprise them and it did but one the leader wasnt surprised. so without hesitation Max planted his left foot in the middle of them and spun. he kicked one square in the chest sending him through the air to hit a nearby tree knocking him out.

in the same spin Max reached out and grabbed a nearby bandit launching him onto a nearby's sword impailing him.

"Two down three to go." Max sighed as he charged his hand with mana and punched one in the face knocking him out and stopping all brain activities.(paralysis touch)

now max had to only deal with one as the other one was struggling to take his sword out from his friend. Max slashed at the lead bandit which was blocked easily. he then wheeled his right leg around and knee'd the man in teh chest bending him over.

"let whatever god you worship have mercy on your pitiful soul." Max said as he stabbed his sword through the man's neck. at this point the other bandit had saw how easy Max had dispatched of his friends and started to run away.

Max smirked and started to search the bandits he saw a gem he had never seen before and while holding it in his hands he felt magic flowing into him so he put it into a pocket and grabbed the four bandit's swords and sheath's and put themm all on his back and turned to veritas.

"Let's continue!" Max said with a smirk as he walked towards the tavern.

((spoils: all i want are 2 steel longswords and 2 steel shortswords from the bandits (bad condition) and the gem. the gem can imbue any weapon with a magical soul enabling It to talk to Max and Max to talk to it giving eachother advice.) this is all plus a bit of gold from the bounty if veritas doesnt want it all)

[Atzar]

Alright. Storm Veritas is experienced. He’s written here, he’s received numerous judgments. He knows the system, he knows his style and he knows where he excels and needs to improve.

Therefore, my comments are mainly going to be for the benefit of Bandit Brother. Congratulations, by the way, on finishing your first thread as an Althanian!

STORY

Continuity: 4 – This category is the “when” of your quest. Not too bad in this category; I got a sense for your character’s history. In the future, however, include more of the recent past. I had no real idea of what had just happened to your character or why he was in Alerar.

Additionally, make sure to end everything effectively. You killed a group of bandits and looted their stuff, and then it ended. Make sure to tie all the loose ends of the story – notably, I would have liked to see you meet Storm’s ‘friend’ for the last time. It would have given the thread a sense of completion.

Setting: 3 – This started off fairly well, but I saw less and less environment as the quest went on. Finally, at the end, I really had no idea where you were and what was around you. Keep it steady throughout. If it helps, reread your own work a few days later and see if you can picture the environment in your mind based only on what you’ve written. If you can’t or if it’s hazy, then go back and edit.

Pacing: 3 – This thread flew by. I couldn’t get a feel at all for the climax of the thread, and the conclusion was all but left out. The main event of the battle – in this case, I thought it would be Max’s fight with the guards and Storm’s encounter with his target – should cover more than two posts total. Don’t be afraid to slow it down a little. Perhaps the guards turned out to be tougher than expected? Maybe one of them captured Max, and Storm had to come out and release him. Not only would this have given the event a little more importance in the mind of the reader, it would have also made it more realistic – more on that in a minute.

CHARACTER

Dialogue: 5 – The idea behind the dialogue was quite entertaining. I found the butting of heads that took place between ‘youthful pride’ and ‘hardened skill’ to be amusing, especially when ‘hardened skill’ won. Now, just make sure your dialogue fits your character grammatically. Say the lines aloud and see if they sound as if you’d really say them.

Action: 3 – Keep in mind that your character isn’t all-powerful (not yet, at least ;) ). It wasn’t particularly realistic to take on the guards or the group of bandits and completely slaughter them. Technically, that’s actually powergaming. In the future, moderate your own abilities. An average swordsman would have a hell of a fight against two guards and would probably get his ass handed to him by five bandits. I know it’s fun to just tear through everything, but keep realism in mind.

Persona: 3 – You have your work cut out for you here. I’ll be completely honest with you: basically, you have a character that’s plagued by stereotypes. He’s the typical badass bandit that thinks he can take anything on. Your task lies in making a unique personality emerge. What sets him apart from all of the other badass bandit/assassins that hang out on Althanas? Once I can answer that question by reading one of your threads, you’ve done your job well.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics: 3 – Reread your posts for grammar and spelling in the future. I saw lots of spelling errors and run-ons in your writing. Microsoft Word’s SpellCheck would have axed many of them. Another thing you might consider is asking your quest-mate to proofread your posts for you. If they’re willing to do so, they can help you find mistakes that you would even miss yourself.

Technique: 3 – Just pay attention to your mechanics; as you write more and more, your own style will follow.

Storm, you had a couple of fantastic one-liners in there.

Clarity: 4 – No real complaints; I understand what was happening well enough. Like I’ve said already… just focus on your grammar.



Wild Card: 2 – This quest needed a little bit of originality to spark it. On Althanas, quests always seem to want to start in taverns. Also, this was just a typical kill-this-guy-for-money quest. Don’t be afraid to go somewhere that nobody has gone before. Be creative! It’s called ‘creative writing’ for a reason :p

Final Score: 33



Bandit Brother receives 230 exp.
Storm Veritas receives 1090 exp. ((The difference here is because of level… just to let you know))

Alright, I’ll be honest with you. I got the feeling that the last post was only there to give you a load of loot. Therefore, I’m going to limit your spoils a little bit. First of all… you can keep the ring. It sounds like it’ll play a part in your story, and I don’t believe in hindering a player’s story. That aside, I’ll allow you to keep any two of the four blades that you wanted. They are made of steel, and they aren’t in very good condition. You also get 25 GP from the mission.

Storm Veritas gets 100 GP.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!