Workshop: The Depths of Death

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: The Depths of Death (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31054-The-Depths-of-Death-(closed-to-Qadira))
Name of Author: Cards of Fate and Qadira
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 41 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 29th December 2016 (extended from the 11th)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Rayleigh]

This workshop has been extended for two weeks. The new close date is December 29th.

[FennWenn]

This is my first attempt at a workshop! Sorry, I’m a little new to giving critique, but I hope it’s helpful. I apologize in advance for the Buffy speak.


Setting
You guys did a stellar job of selling me on this part of Raiara’s plaguelands! There were some nice places in your guy’s writing where I could just feel the grit and rot oozing out of the city. The first post in particular had some really nice detail to it, and that desolate feel of the fallen city that went with it carried across the whole story. <3



Pacing
The thread was long, but the pacing was actually pretty good for it’s length, as it maintained my interest all the way through. There were slower moments, but they worked well in that those moments were still interesting; Qadira got to ask questions and Vincent got to give some interesting answers. The ending was a little sudden though. You went from “RUNNING FROM THE MONSTER AHH” to “No longer running, the end”. It wasn’t bad, but it didn’t feel too satisfying either.


Character
It was interesting to see Vincent and Qadira verbally bounce off of each other in this thread! They complimented each other well, 10/10 for the bits of sass from both sides.


“Well Excuuuuuse me, Princess.”


Prose & Grammarstuff
Card’s writing is enjoyable as always. The little details and bits of flair he adds in makes his writing colorful, and he does good descriptionary stuff. There was one thing with your dialogue formatting that bothered me though! I have trouble explaining it, but here’s what it is. If you have a dialogue-sentence-y-thing that would normally end with a period, and after it is something like “he said” or “she yelled”, then the period has to be a comma and the “he/she” has to be lowercased (unless it’s a name). It might be better if I show you.


“FUCKING LOVELY.” Vincent roared.

Should actually look like…


“FUCKING LOVELY,” Vincent roared.

Qadira’s writing is pretty straightforward and clear most of the time. There were some places where she stumbled a bit; luckily, it’s pretty easy stuff to fix! Most of what I saw were simple mistakes in punctuation and capitalization, which cropped up more often around dialogue than anything else. Here’s an example;


"Thank you for helping me" She paused and contemplated the best way to ask for help. "I'm not sure how I got out here. I don't have any memory and I had woken up buried alive." a chill went down her spine just thinking of the whole ordeal again.

I don’t know if these were mistakes made out of simple haste, but this would read a bit easier if the dialogue ended with punctuation, and if every sentence was capitalized.


"Thank you for helping me." She paused and contemplated the best way to ask for help. "I'm not sure how I got out here. I don't have any memory and I had woken up buried alive." A chill went down her spine just thinking of the whole ordeal again.

You could also format it like this, to make it a little less choppy to read, if you’d like.


"Thank you for helping me," she said, pausing as she contemplated the best way to ask for help. "I'm not sure how I got out here. I don't have any memory and I had woken up buried alive." A chill went down her spine just thinking of the whole ordeal again.


Misc. Storytelling
I was a little disappointed at the end of the thread though, in that we didn’t get any real answers about who Qadira was and what she was doing in the plaguelands. That was something that had been built up through the thread, so I thought that you’d give at least end us with some some clue or hint that could satisfy the reader’s curiosity. It’s easily forgiven since it’s probably something that would get touched on or explained in another thread, but still, it’s hard to be left hanging like that.


Even so, it was a good read. <3

[Itinerant]

First off, it was a pleasure to read the thread, both of you are great authors and I look forward to reading more.

Setting-The setting from both parties was excellently done, but I did run into some issues between descriptions. Small stuff like Qadira's changing a fireplace to a campfire, etc. Nothing story breaking but a tad off-putting for the flow of the reading. However, between Cards and Qadira, there was a big difference in that Cards put some more effort into keeping up with the descriptions, while Qadira seemed to slow back with that after the first page or so.

Pacing-While the pacing for most of the story was nice and I didn’t run into any major breaks in flow during the brunt of my reading, I had a really big issue with the ending as Fenn mentioned above. The story sort of ground to a screeching halt, leaving me somewhat bewildered and desiring something a bit more meaty to finish up, rather than just a “we got away and just sorta left” ending.

Character-I love how Vincent’s more laid back college student vibe meshes with the mild formality of Qadira. It leads to an interesting dynamic between them. (And also the sass at the end from Vince. <3) Qadira's character was very passive through all of this, which seemed out of place in an area that would demand incredibly large amounts of attention to your surroundings.

Prose + Grammar-There were some minor formatting and punctuation issues which stood out in Qadira's writing. A large amount of it seemed centralized around the dialogue and descriptions of action. (Notably a few missing commas or periods) Cards had some very good writing overall, only isolated mistakes in spelling a few times. However, I noticed some quotation marks in weird spots (Post 35) and there were also some issues with punctuation in some areas as well. For both writers, the use of italics or bolding would have benefitted you. Especially the thudding in post 39, it was really strange to read just the word "thump" over and over and over, and it didn't lend much to the situation during my reading.

Misc. Comments-I feel that Vince was the much more active writer in this, that Qadira spent a lot of the time answering questions and reacting to stimuli, rather than making attempts to move the story forward. Perhaps this was the intention, but it left hanging the motives of her character. It felt like she just sort of wandered into the most dangerous area on Althanas just for chuckles. I'd also like to note that it seemed like both writers put a really huge amount of effort into the first couple posts but then sort of dialed it down beyond that. It was a little bit disconcerting to see such a large drop off, but didn't detract much.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed! Rewards to follow!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Thank you for your feedback!

FennWenn receives 410 EXP, 85 GP and 3 AP!
Itinerant receives 410 EXP, 85 GP and 3 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!