Workshop: Xangu Basin (eSession01): Prison Camps

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Xangu Basin (eSession01): Prison Camps (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31779)
Name of Author: Gum
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 3 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 25th February 2017

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[Jethro]

Hey there Gum I'm your friendly neighborhood reader here.

So your thread was short concise but got a lot done. Dude I got a short attention span and was able to read your story through and through. With all that I found your writing a bit of a trick to read. I am not exactly sure how to elaborate on this just something about your syntax that really threw me off. I think it may be something to do with your fluctuation between second and third person perspective. First person perspective being from your point of view saying things like "I and my". Third person being from the outside looking in using "he she and they". The second person perspective comes from the narrator who is not the author nor the reader. I am not explaining this very well.

I got your story which was an incredibly interesting read though. I find that the situation that Oykot (not an easy name to pronounce at all...kind of spiky) was in was described well enough to make it feel wildly harrowing frightening even. The story like I said was short but detailed enough for me to know what is going on and to have an idea of Oykot's reality. All in all it was a good story just kind of jarring to read in parts.

[Mari]

As ya'll know I ain't the best with these sort of things but I'll give it a decent shot.

PLOT
This is a short thread, still it shoves you straight into drama. It's raining, the lands are heavy with sorrow and decay, and there are two people who are separated by prison walls. Lovers? Siblings? We know Oykot is in there for thieving but what did he steal? Was it an artefact or was it food for his family?

This sort of introduction lures the reader in and makes them want to continue. I really enjoy threads that do that. If I am not drawn in by the first or second post, generally I will stop reading. It's important to keep your readers interest, and you've done that well in this thread. Each post gave the right combination of angst, drama, and information to keep the reader wanting more.

Whilst I have no qualms with short threads I do have a slight feeling of frustration as you're sort of left hanging as to what is going to happen between the two. I wanted to know what punishment befell Oykot for talking over the wall, but I never seemed to get that. We are left with him being shackled with the rest of the crew. There were a few holes that should have been filled in this thread rather than waiting for another to fill the gap.

Now looking at the title of the thread, it gives the impression that there are more 'sessions' or parts. You've made mention at the very end of the thread that Gum was on his way to provide aid, despite the situation being utterly hopeless. This makes a good segue into the next thread. (I assume?)

CHARACTER

There wasn't many descriptive factors with the characters, what did Oykot and Naxia look like? How old are they?

When I'm reading I like to visualise the character in my head. I feel that some visual keys are important, but I also like not using too many because you want the reader to put their own twist on it. Like finding that sweet spot in between. When I first read this, by the end of the first post I imagined both to be young children, tiny and scrawny. In the second post you touch more on Oykot's looks, but its mostly describing his lack of food and malnourished body than anything else. I wasn't sure if Oykot was human or not. In the third post I realised they were adult lovers with children. So my impression of them changed completely by the end of the thread. I'd add important details like their age and basic appearance near the start of the post so I don't get that disassociation.

The emotions of the characters really show through the written text, and I've always said you have a way of writing emotive responses. You can really see Naxia's plight and guilt as Oykot is imprisoned and she is not. Her heartbreak at the end of the thread really seals the deal. Despite her being free, she's completely broken down by the loss of her lover, and father to their children.

This extends to the other characters too, their reactions to the world and actions around them. How the prisoners react to the warden and to his ministrations on the old man. It's good to see that the world around the characters interacted with them, and it wasn't just entirely set on Oykot or Naxia.


PROSE
You had a few grammar issues and broken sentences. I have the same issue where I let one sentence drag out or use too many commas. Reading this, it was a little difficult with the overuse of that punctuation. I personally feel less commas would help the sentence structure flow better. This was a constant throughout the thread and it made me reread things two or three times.

I'd suggest going back and re-reading the work and look at maybe making longer sentences that flow better.



WILDCARD

I'm never good with using the wildcard section. Whilst I could have easily (and in hindsight should have) included this in prose, I am shoving it down here.

You have a very interesting way of using descriptors. Most people would call something 'red' you'd turn around and say "It was the colour of her cheeks after a playful romp across the meadow." These descriptors are wonderfully entertaining however the only flaw with them is the overuse of them, sometimes simplicity is key so as not to drawl on or cause too much confusion with the reader.



Overall it was a short, but enjoyable thread, and I'm curious as to how things will turn out for the two lovebirds.

[SirArtemis]

Wowza, Gum. Well, brevity for brevity in this case. I'll just say the biggest take-away for me here was the density of your writing. I feel visceral and descriptive language is powerful, but is more effective in ebbs and flows. Like tension in a story, it can be effectively built up and released in waves throughout writing. But the sheer volume in this piece made it feel like I was slogging through the ground the prisoner's were standing on. A powerful piece of technique can serve as a mic-drop moment in writing, but if you're just walking down a row and dropping mics, the effect is lost. Perhaps toning the effect down a notch would give more power to the writing and make the more important/powerful pieces more clear. But this is just my preference I suppose. I expect Flames of Hyperion would be completely averse to what I told you though as he's a fan of linguistic over-expression.

A few other minor notes: you mention the average dragon is 7 feet tall and he is 8, but then you say he's seven soon thereafter.

I'd say a dragon-human hybrid over dragon/human. I just have an aversion to slashes in narratives.

I wouldn't think of bludgeoning with a blade. Perhaps striking, slashing, or piercing. Bludgeoning implies a dull instrument, and you note the blade jamming into his skull.

This is a question: "What contentedness was left to seek in a land dominated by cruel dragons."

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Jethro receives 30 EXP, 10 GP and 2 AP!

Mari receives 105 EXP, 10 GP and 4 AP!

SirArtemis receives 165 EXP, 10 GP and 2 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!