Workshop: The Ghosts of Wars Long Past

[Storm Veritas]

Name of Completed Thread: The Ghosts of Wars Long Past (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?31825-The-Ghosts-of-Wars-Long-Past/page2)
Name of Authors: Flames of Hyperion
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: March 1

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Enjoy, I know I will!

[jdd2035]

Story:
Storytelling: (7 Points) So right you have done a superb job at establishing right away that where the creature is it is lonely and solitary. The one thing I really liked in reading your story was the repetitive "Who... Am.... I?" The lack of or the losing of ones identity is one of the deepest fears that every one has and it drives the solitariness of the scene home. I don't have any real complaints about your story telling. It's slow, it's ponderous but that's the way it should feel with isolation.

Setting: (7 Points) Much like your character feeling isolated the setting too felt isolated. In spite of all the entities around the creature there was a definite feel of seclusion with in the setting. Up until Angelus showed up and asked the creature. If this thread was going to be narrated and I got to pick the actor to narrate it I would pick Avery Brooks. He's got the deep, semi gravely voice that is full of mystique that this post is deserving of. Again there is a slow build up with the setting going from desolation to meeting Angelus to the tower. Each place was described in enough detail for the reader not to confuse one from the other but vaguely enough to keep it feeling mysterious and lonesome.

Pacing: (7 Points) The thread started off slow and didn't pick up much pace. This for me was a very introspective piece of writing again the whole theme of who am I is was what struck me the most even in the pacing. This thread needed to be slow so I guess mission accomplished. Fact of the matter is that even though this is a slow thread it is not ponderous. Again I can't complain about any of this so put in generic grasping at straws critique here-->

Character:

Communication: (8 Points)Communication or how well doses your character convey what you are trying to convey through internal and external monologue. You have conveyed this well like I have expressed before the staccato "who...am...I" expressed the creatures initial confusion after regaining its sapience. The dialogue between the creature and Angelus was well written there was no confusion of who was talking to whom.

Action: (5 Points) As I have said a few times already this story was slow. That's not a bad thing but a slow pacing means that action comes in a long second place if not third, forth or fifth just depending on how much immersion and introspection one is trying to achieve. So thanks to the slow pacing you don't much action not a bad thing just it is what it is.

Persona: (10 Points) This story oozes persona. Hell this story is all about Person. You have conveyed this creatures persona quite well. There was not much I can complain about. Every thing was developed quite well from beginning to end. So I'm giving you ten points cause you're cool and I'm generous.

Prose:

Mechanics: (10 Points) Look it has been well established by my english teachers, bosses and my peers on this site that my understanding of the mechanics of the english language from spelling to the framing of a proper sentence is atrocious. I am unqualified to be a judge for this portion. Ten points.

Clarity: (8 Points) Your writing is really clear I know who was who and where each player was on the bored. You didn't have any sort of cold opening which is quite aggravating for someone who tends to try to multitask. I'm not very good at multitasking but I do it and sometimes get off track. I was able to follow your thread with out much concentration. Good job.

Technique: (8 Points) I liked reading your thread. It followed the three act technique that is popular in cinema. We got to get to know the players in the introductory act. We got to see the escalating action and finally the resolution or climax. I'm going to go with the resolution as with a climax things have to peak and this felt incredibly even.

Wildcard: Who... Am... I?

[Kryos]

Flames, my good friend. As you probably know, I get a little unduly excited when I log on and see a post in the World by you. Perhaps it is from the long history and investment that I have put into reading your work, but it is always very enjoyable. Now, without further ado . . .

Story:
Concerning the story, I would have to agree with JDD. You have a concrete beginning, middle and end, which is a definite strength to all your writing. In addition, the way in which you were able to use creative license to incorpate prior threads--yours and the works of others--does a superb job and smoothing out the edges to this story. It feels so very connected to the state of Althanas and Raiaera as a whole, which is something that I try to do myself. I also quite appreciated your embedding of links. It gives readers a place to go to further understand the background or other references that you make. However, you don’t allow this to be an excuse to not explain things adequately. You don’t make a reference to vital things, with a link that says, “Here’s a 30 post long novel to read to know what I am talking about.”

On the flip side of that coin, while you do well at giving enough of the details to things that a new reader can follow, there is SOOO much depth and story to this thread that it was a bit overwhelming. This only became a real issue starting in post nine, with the reveal that Maeril is “Ecthelion Golan.” After that, there are so many references to the forgotten ones, names the could be the forgotten ones, and others that just started making me dizzy. While it is not a huge detriment--on the contrary, it adds great depth and value to your work--it pulls a bit away from the main theme of this thread. That being, the return of Ingwe, fractured and wraith-like as he may be. By the time he is rescued in post 12 by Ecthelion Seregon, I was hoping no one new would show up so that I could be saved from feeling that I didn’t know anything about Raiaera or its history.

That is probably my only issue with this thread: that being that your knowledge of the history and people and titles and freaking elvish language is far beyond my own. You use it all very well, which supports your master storytelling, but if used too much or in too high of concentration, becomes a bit of a distraction. At least for me. Would I have you take it out? Heaven’s no. But perhaps a bit more explanation, somehow, would help immensly.

Besides from that, the story is amazing, and I loved reading every post.

Character:
Your characters are so well done, no doubt in part to having been through war and back with them. Even characters that you haven’t written before are masterfully done, as you show with Maeril. But more than your portrayal, I absolutely love how you challenge them. Wraith Ingwe is so ridiculously powerful, yet you balance that with a complete sense of fractured identity and memory. For me, that has always been the draw, to books, movies, video games and characters. How they struggle and overcome. How they fall. It makes them relatable, and what makes me love some characters more than others. You do so well a portraying this, through dialogue, inner thoughts and action. It is something I aspire for.

Prose/Technique:
Ah, yes. Prose and technique. It has been well established that you have a great skill for the written word. I can not remember seeing anything out of place, with one exception. You did well to use “it” as you described Ingwe in wraith form, but at one point, you slipped and used “he.” However, going back through, you probably caught that and switched it, as I can’t find it anymore. So there you go, you darn awesome person! Changing the one thing I noticed. Sheesh.

Final Thoughts:
Ever since I read the beginnings of the Legion of Light, I have admired your work, as well as how fast you are able to write. It was a pleasure to write with you briefly during Legion V, and even more to come back years later, reconnect, and read more. I am very intrigued at seeing how the Dawnbringer’s soul will continue to play a role in the Reclamation. Perhaps the future will be so kind as to let us write together again, for I think that both our characters would gain much from that. Thank you for the great pleasure of a good read, and I look forward to the future.

As always,
DFTBA

[Breaker]

Hello, and thank you for choosing The Writers' Workshop! This thread featured a lot of interesting history, some excellent action, and truly deep character development. In the interests of keeping my perspective pure, I didn't read the above reviews, so please forgive any repetition that may exist here. And now, on to the rubric!

Plot

Story: The Ghosts of Wars Long Past, is first of all an awesome and appropriate title, and contained a strong narrative hook in the first post. The story followed a natural arc, and felt effortlessly executed. There are only two things which may have (and I stress may) improved the overall story. While Ecthelion Seregon's part was well played, it felt a little short. There was clearly a lot of history between Ingwe and the archmage, and exploring that a little more might have rounded out the ending a bit, but it was still a very strong ending. The other element that could have used further consideration were the other threads linked throughout the story. While this was a neat way to showcase your former threads, on occasion there was space for more elaboration after the link, perhaps providing a brief synopsis of the thread it connects to.

Setting: The setting had a strong presence throughout the thread, especially in terms of the Raiaeran history lesson expressed along the way. Describing the setting from the specter's perspective (fun tongue twister, that) presented some unique challenges, which you overcame with style. There was one moment in post #5 ("His lancing bolts the spectre struck aside with its searing flame, gouging the wall they faced each other over.") where the mental image became a little bit convoluted, but that could just be chalked up to this reader's own confusion. Overall the setting served as a powerful tool for keeping the reader involved in the flow of the story.

Pacing: The pace of this thread matched the action well. One thing that stands out was the use of shorter sentences to describe action sequences. This is important, especially in a writing style that typically incorporates longer sentences, so well done on this front.

Character

Communication: Extremely strong dialogue used throughout, it expressed the characters' motivations and personalities well. One thing you do a rather extraordinary job of is incorporating body language into your communication. Even the specter, with less of a physical body than the average character, communicated its feelings through action.

Action: The arcane combat was exemplary, well described and well utilized throughout the thread. The number of different methods used for describing fire attacks was particularly impressive. As mentioned above, the more mundane actions also did a lot to bring the characters to life, despite the challenge of using a ghost as the main character. The one weakness that stood out occurred in post #4, when the specter was fighting the corpses. This scene started strong with "Disembodied hands burst from the mud..." but as this bit of combat wore on the location and actions of the corpses could have been better described. It's always important to let the reader know where something is, and what it's doing, when it gets burned to a crisp :D

Persona: Watching the evolution of Ingwe's persona from that of a confused specter to a shadow of his former self was perhaps the most enjoyable aspect of this thread. Your supporting cast also contained strong character work, but the main character took the cake, as well he/it should. In particular, the way Ingwe reacted to the various characters he encountered told a lot about who he is as a person. He not only acted in character, but re-acted equally well, and this gave him a depth not often seen in Althanas characters.

Prose

Mechanics: Solid throughout. I noticed one tiny error in post #5: "It countered his charge with a flaming aegis of its own, and for an eternal heartbeat necromancer meet spectre, eye to eye behind their respective magic." I believe that should have been met, not meet. Otherwise exceptional work; your editing skills are both noted and appreciated.

Clarity: This is a difficult category to provide commentary for in this thread. On one hand, the writing is quite clear and logical. On the other hand, at times the thicker sentences and word choice forced this reader to re-read, or pick up the dictionary. While your vocabulary is incredibly impressive, this is something you may want to take under consideration. I am a reasonably intelligent, reasonably educated adult with, when compared to most people, an extensive vocabulary. If I need a dictionary to understand your writings (and at times, I do), it may be worth considering dialing back the flowery language a touch. Often times I encourage people to use a thesaurus to give their writing more variety, but in this case I challenge you to do the opposite; see if you can capture the same poetry in your prose without using such complex language and word choices. Or don't, it's just a thought.

Technique: Your writing technique is potent, and you used it well in this thread. No specific examples stuck in my head, so I'll just say this; keep doing what you're doing. You sew literary techniques into your prose so neatly that I rarely even notice the stitches.

Wildcard: Reading your stuff is a workout for my brain, but like regular exercise, it's definitely worth it. Well done, and I look forward to seeing more from you on this and your other accounts. If my commentary caused any offense at any point I apologize sincerely. Let's keep writing together, it is always inspirational to work with you.

[Flames of Hyperion]

Hello all,

I just wanted to thank you all once again for your kind words, and to reiterate my utmost gratitude for your reviews. It means a lot to me that people are reading and commenting on my self-indulgent drabbles. Your encouragement and feedback are what keep me posting them here.

So thank you very much, and here's hoping that you enjoy my next submission as well!

(And of course, if anybody else does post before the deadline, thank you very much in advance for your valuable feedback!)

Many cheers,
Flames

[SirArtemis]

Damn it Flames. Let me preface with fuck you, but with love. Your writing is a pleasure to read, but it makes me hate myself and feel inadequate. With that note, let us begin!

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Maybe part of this is my personal engagement with the first half of your story, and the depth of connection I feel with the idea of being reborn and having a second chance. Maybe it was the epic songs I was playing on spotify while reading your thread. All the same, I was so hooked on the first half especially, but the whole piece was great. The pacing was exactly where it needed to be, with the only rattling jump being the transition between a phoenix in flight being knocked out of the sky, to immediately ascending stairs. The intricacy and vividness of the world you move through is so well articulated that it hurts. I can't say I smelled anything, but the image was in 4k.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

The ambiguity throughout the thread and the search for identity seems metaphoric to many of our lives, and through various points of our lives I feel we go through mini rebirths. The strength and passion that burns inside him, quite literally, is almost contagious. The will to move forward cleanses his surroundings. it's as though the taint of necromancy is the toxicity of his past that he is seeking to free himself of. And it is something that I think is very powerful as a means to connect to a reader. Every action scene was portrayed and articulated beautifully, eloquently, and vividly. Every gesture and movement was crisply and firmly in my mind. It was tremendously engaging to read.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

I struggle to even think of what I can offer here. When I read your work, sometimes the density of your writing is a deterrent. Here, I actually felt that your use of dense language was appropriately sparse and powerful. Really well done here. I do have a few minor notes. The first is, in a piece of dialogue, you kept "lord of undeath" lowercase whereas in other points of the post you did capitalize. Not sure if that was intentional. There's a point where you say "necromancer meet spectre" which I think you mean met. You use "Leaguer" when I think you mean league - I actually looked that one up to make sure.

The only two other points were clarity related. The first is right at the beginning, when you mention the crystal night gave no overt sign. It made me anticipate a sign - but not an overt one. In the end of that post, you mention the wind parted the clouds and revealed the moon - was this the subtle sign?

The second point with clarity is . . . when your character says in the last post that Maeril spoke the truth, and the archmage disagrees, how does the archmage know what was said in your exchange?


Wildcard

Wonderful thread. So well written, so engaging, so powerful, so relatable. Quite frankly, this to me felt like a script to the opening scene in an epic trilogy. Like the scene of the end that you show before you rewind to show how you get to that point, as so many storylines use as a plot device. I could easily imagine the camera panning to his face, his battered glasses their broken frames, and then merging the photo with his youthful face as you cut back to the scene mentioned earlier when he makes landfall upon the shore of Raiaera. Tremendous work, and a pleasure to read. Please don't make me hate myself though. Or go read my most recent solo and tell me where I can suck less. You're the writer I hate to love and love to hate.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow shortly.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

JDD2035 receives 240 EXP, 24 GP and 4 AP!

Kryos receives 300 EXP, 24 GP and 4 AP!

Breaker receives 1020 EXP, 24 GP and 4 AP!

SirArtemis receives 660 EXP, 24 GP and 4 AP!

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!

Thank you for your contributions to the Writers' Workshop!