A legacy starts here(open)

[Ravenok Kinnes]

I was confused as to if it was my duty to explain the look of the tavern or if it was posted somewhere, so I kept it as simple as possible. This is my first thread.

Ravenok had no idea where he even was this day. His mind boggled from a vigorous day of body-hardening practice. The door to the tavern swung open, and the muscle-toned visage of Ravenok stood in the doorway for what seemed like minutes. What was only a few seconds, though. His eyes scanned the innards of this place, making eye contact with every man that looked at him. It was only after a shrewd budge from behind that sent him stumbling inside that he realized that he was actually in a tavern. He had only come upon the town of Underwood by accident, a recent bounty had landed him in areas around it.

Restraining his urge to turn around and confront the man who had pushed him inside, he shook it off and looked for a place to sit, more specifically a dim lit corner. He understood at once that more than just himself enjoyed the darkened corners of taverns to sit and ponder about things. But here, each corner of the tavern was empty. The place was full of laughter, ale, and women. Friendship, in simple terms. The thought sickened him. He retreated to one of the vacant corners and sat down . He waved off the women who had immediately come over to him to ask what he would want to drink. He took one last look around the lively tavern, and pulled out a dirty piece of parchment from his tunic.

He unfolded the small parchment and examined it carefully. It vaguely described what the petitioner for his recent bounty looked like. Said that she could be found somewhere in Underwood. He looked at it for minutes, and to no avail. He crumpled it up and shoved it back to it's spot in his tunic, and waved the same women over who had come before and quickly ordered a pint or ale. It came quickly, and he took a deep swig of it.

Upon seperating the mug from his dark lips, he saw that a group of burly men had taken place in a table directly in front of him. They were talking loudly, and repeatedly looked and pointed over at Ravenok.

"Ye hear what happened las' night?" One of the men asked, one of the others shook his head. "Well, what they be sayin' is that man Dergan was murdered jus' outside o' the town." The same man that shook his head gasped slightly. The indication in their voices disturbed Ravenok, but he payed no heed to the rest of the conversation and continued drinking out of his mug.

[XaleManix]

xale stared at the man who entered the tavern, following the procedure he had taught himself to do without thought. he followed every move he made, and scrutinized any mental thought that was let on. after evaluating the man, he placed him in one of the many categories of people he had created in his mindset: Soldier for hire. he walked to a table, something he never did, unless there was work to be done. he continued to scrutinize the man, sorting through all possible actions, reactions, and judging the trustworthyness of the man. he concluded the man was to be trusted, but with a healthy dose of caution, as well and commited his findings to memory, concluding that the man, he dubbed "Dark Abyss" was to be further observed.

Xale chose that the best corse of action to further observe the man was to attempt to talk to him, gather information, so he started with something simple and polite. "hello," Xale began, hoping to learn more about the man who xale thought to be somewhat different then most, "what brings you to the prominade?" he then sat back and waited for an anser.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ravenok was in mid-swig as this stranger arrived to speak with him. He set the mug down, a moustache of ale-frothiness on his upper lip. He quickly wiped it away with his wrist. A burp erupted from his mouth, adding on to his well-performed barbarian facade. His ominous eyes locked with this man's.

"I'm here for business." He slowly replied. He waited a little longer, examining the man's appearance. He reached into his tunic and pulled out the piece of parchment, uncrumpling it and handed it to Xale. "Have you seen this woman?" He asked.

The illustration on the parchment was vague indeed, almost like a children's drawing. The drawing itself meant nothing to Ravenok, for it looked like the hundreds of women that walk around everyday. There were some words beneath it, though, "Brown hair, green eyes. about 5"5', lives in Underwood" was stated underneath.

[XaleManix]

Xlae stared at the picture... he recognized her from somewhere. he wasn't to sure though, he had to ask. "what'd she do? odviosly your a bountyhunter. i recognizer her, but i can't place her." he handed the parchment to the man, and continued "if she's who i think she is, she's a Marica Keran." Xale paused, "did she kill someone?" he asked, "the girl skipped town yesterday, but she does that once a week, she'll be back."

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ravenok's face cringed. Not here? How ridiculous. He thought. His dark, ominous eyes met with those of Xale's.

"A Bounter Hunter, hm? Perhaps," He paused, picking up the half-finished mug of ale. He shut his eyes and finished off the rest, slamming it onto the table and wiping his face with his wrist.

"Tell me now, what does me being a Bounty Hunter mean to you?" He asked quickly after. Smiling crudely at Xale's tiny figure. He just realized that this man sitting at this table with him made a mockery to himself. Even sitting slouched at a small table, Ravenok had to look down upon Xale.

"Oh," he said quickly, not allowing Xale to answer, "Don't worry about who or what did what. Have you business elsewhere, or must I deal with you for the rest of my evening?" He said, scraping up the parchment and shoving it into his tunic.

[XaleManix]

"well, i dont know. no, i don't have buisness elseware, and to answer your queastion, it's just recognizing your here to collect some kind of bounty on her head. i want to know what for, and no you don't have to live with me the rest of the evening, but ill be here if you need me, i know every inch of the woods she goes through." Xale said, retuning to the table next to the older man, he finished, "like i said, im willing to help, no pay required."

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ravenok grunted. "Heed my words, don't tread in my business."

Ravenok stood solemnly while Xale left him alone at the table. His eyes trailed the length of the small table that he sat at, and up again to the burly men that had been sitting there ever since he came in. Still, they talked loudly. Ravenok tuned into their conversation.

"You di'nt speak wit Marica, did you?" Asked one of them, another shrugged. The third nodded his head quickly.

"I sure did, an' she says to me," He cleared his throat, then spoke again in a mock women's voice, "'Yeah, it was me. I hired someone to kill Dergan, an' i'm not tellin' you why!' she said." His voice returns to the usual tone, "So I asks her after, 'Well,' I says, 'What did the man look like, eh?'. She tells me he was a tall man, a giant no less, with muscles the size o' her 'ead."

One of the other men gasped. Ravenok was disgusted by this time, he knew that these men were talking about him and that they knew who he was. He began to stand up, and noticed that the three burly men were watching him, even edged their seats. Ravenok attempted to leave, he walked slowly out from the corner. One of the men stood up abruptly, only to stand in his way.

"Now hold on there, guv'," He began, "I couldn't help but no'ice that you 'aven't payed for that ale, there." He pointed a dirty finger at the empty mug sitting on the table. Ravenok saw through the facade, but attempted to avoid conflict no less.

[XaleManix]

xale sat there, noticing that the guy was the man who shoved ravenok earlier. he stood up and said to him firmly, "haven't you caused enogh trouble for one day?" he said, fingering the 'legacy' straped to his belt. he continued, "first you shove him on the way in, then you try to frame him for something you know he didn't do, and then you try to make him pay for a crime he didn't comit, oh, and he payed for his ale in advance."

the man was amazed at how xale had come to the defence of a stranger, he took out a sword and shouted, "how do you know he didn't do it?"

"because the man that killed degan fought me, and i lost. he's not the same man as the one your accusing. in fact, i can point him out in this room."

"oh? and who would that be, Mr. i was dergan's bodygaurd?"

"you." xale unlached the Legacy from his belt and prepared to fight the man.

"why you little memory-obsesed-" the man said, taking a knife from his belt.

he couldn't finish the sentance. a flash of light came from Xale's legacy, and when anyone could see again, the man had an orange colored blade going through his chest. xale turned to ravenok, "go find Marcia, and if you were told to leave her alive, inflict as much pain on her as you can. Go, ill handle anyone who tries to follow you. she'll be twenty miles to the west, in a graveyard. she thinks it was a perfect crime, so she'll come back if you leave her alone. don't give her that pleasure." xale bulled the blade from the hitman. "anyone else want to die? im more than willing to ablige you. let justace be served for my employer."

[Ravenok Kinnes]

"I care not for the wench anymore." Ravenok said, his dark eyes seemed to become even more ominous. Something wasn't right here, to him. Ravenok had just had a kill stolen from him. This was unacceptable.

"That wench is but someone who owes me money, I will collect it in due time. But you, now, have stolen something very dear from me." He said, pointing to Xale.

"You stole my kill." He said, slowly, with added conviction. "I told you not to tread in my business." At this time, Ravenok could've guesses that Xale was surprised. So, rather than waiting for a response, he spoke again.

"You did not think I would be your friend now, did you?" He began, "Here you are, a stranger in my midst. Trying to help out a man nearly thrice your size. Well I don't need help."

It was only because Ravenok gave a speech that he was calmed down afterward. He looked around, remembering that he was in but a tavern. Not a forest or backalley, where one could kill another without respite. And he knew that the repentance being excersized in this tavern by Ravenok today would show a mark in his reputation, if any. This contradiction to his character isn't common.

"Best consider yourself lucky, boy." Ravenok told Xale, "For I haven't the need to be running into the law again anytime soon. You however, have just killed a man. I bid you farewell, and have fun with whatever person tries to stop you for breaking the law." With that, he stepped over the dead body, ignoring the other two burly men who had clearly forgotten all about Ravenok after one of their friends was stabbed. He began to walk out, leaving whatever tension strewn in the tavern behind.

[XaleManix]

Xale wasn't suprised. he expected that kind of response, his was also predictable, if one knew him as he knew all his aquantances, "is your weapon made from Orichulum? if not, to bad. it could kill you without me. in fact, when I first met it, it almost killed both me and my best friend, so, with me, it's nearly invinsible." he deactivated his blade, then held it to Ravenok, " if you wish to die as well, just say the word. i doubt you want to though." he returned his legacy to his belt, "now, do you want to live deprived of a single kill, or are you going to go collect on that debt? if your willing to let her live, kill her and steal her kill from me, like i killed him, and we both are happy." he sat down, downed his glass, and tautingly left into the dark alley behind the tavern, as if he wanted to be followed by Ravenok and killed.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ravenok stood beside the doorway leading out of the tavern and into the night. He let Xale go without a word, his dark eyes fiercely watching his movements. Calculating weight distribution on each foot to look for past injuries, Ravenok watched his posture as he stepped. The job of a perfect Bounty Hunter. Besides his darkened gaze, Ravenok's face also had a grin on it, his dark lips open a little bit showing white teeth. Oh, but am I really here to collect on the bounty this women petitioned for, or am I here for another target? He asked himself.

Ravenok waited until Xale was well out of sight and hearing distance, and he failed to follow him for the time being. He turned to watch the goings-on within the tavern, men and women crawling about the dead man near the dark corner he had been in previously. Screamings had stopped, and even a few local authorities had come in to investigate. A group of women pointed profusely at Ravenok, but after a quick examination from the authorities on Ravenok, they concluded that he had no concealed blade on him. The wound on the man indeed came from a blade, they had ascertained that. Ravenok chuckled to himself quietly.

He made his way to one of the other vacant corners in the room, farthest away from that of the dead man and all the clutter of infidels that it brought. No one had payed attention to him at the time, no women came to offer a drink. No loud men sat in front of him. Everyone in the tavern had migrated to the Dead Man's Corner. Ravenok smiled and thought to himself for a few seconds. He dove his hand into his tunic, and pulled out two pieces of parchment this time. Both were crumpled carelessly. He uncrumpled one of them, the picture upon it was that of "Marica." He crumpled it back up and tossed it onto the ground aside.

He waited a minute before uncrumpling the second one, waited to take a look around. He uncrumpled it slowly, and the picture upon it was no other than the one who he had just met, the one who stabbed this man in the tavern. This picture, unlike the other, was much more detailed. It came from the same person who issued the other "fake" mark. In reality, Ravenok had been watching this person for some time, about a day. What Ravenok had concluded was that he was a desperate person, looking for someone in his family. As to whom in his family, Ravenok did not know. All he knew was that he had a job to get done.

He read over the parchment several times, then crumpled it up and shoved it into his tunic. The events around him had died down to it's usual mundane state. The stabbed man had been carried out of the tavern, people were taken in for questioning, the mess was cleaned and people once again filled every inch of the place. Laughing began again, ale began to flow like water. The image surprised Ravenok as to how such an event like that could come, go and then be forgotten so easily. No matter. What happened here this night wasn't a memory to Ravenok.

Content with the data he had collected from the little confrontation here at the tavern, Ravenok stood up and made his way for the door. Several people eyes him as he made his way out. Upon the door shutting, most if not all sound had stopped. The street he was on was empty, save the occassional passer-by. Apparantly the town lives in the Peaceful Promenade, he thought. He looked left and right, wondering where Xale had gone to. He veered left and into an alley that led to the street behind the Promenade. Presumably where Xale had went, and he began his descent into it's darkness.

[XaleManix]

"may god have mercy on us." xale said from behind Ravenok " i need you. you need me." he waited. then continued, "you want to learn about Chi... i need to find my parents." xale smirked at this, "you want the book of kin, wich is in my posession. if you help me find my parents, i'll give it to you. agreed?" he then walked around Ravenok, juggling three fireballs. every three seconds he added another ball, alowing Ravenok time to think. "i have a skill where i can calculate massive problems in impossibly short times. putting the pieces together for this took me thirty seconds, actually. i spent the five minets you were in there figuring everything out and getting behind you, so you couldn't kill me right off." at this point he was juggling 100 fireballs, he continued, "if you need proof, i'll recite from it. until you realize i'm legit." he disapated the fireballs, "well, Ravenok Kinnes? that is your name, isn't it? you see, my uncle knew thr righter of the book. he killed four assassins for him. only thing that went wrong was, well, the man died of a diesease i cannot explain." he said, shooting an evesdropper with a fireball, "well, deal, or no deal?"

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ravenok watched the firy spectacle quietly, allowing his mark to speak. Ravenok's fists were at that time clenched tightly. He waited until the man's speech was at it's end. The grimace that had taken over his face during the speech had receded at the end.

"Oh? You know of this?" Said Ravenok. After hearing this man's words, apparantly he could tell somehow that Ravenok was a wielder of the Chi, though Ravenok showed no signs of it. Nonetheless, the man knew, and apparantly he had something of extreme value to Ravenok. With that book he would be able to increase his knowledge of Chi by far.

"What if I was to say yes? hm?" He asked, still not turning. His dark eyes followed Xale's movements. He spoke again hastily.

"What makes you think I won't just kill you and take the book for myself?" He said quickly. He chuckled to himself, a laugh that would shrill the back of a child. The laughing quickly stopped. "But I won't. Consider yourself lucky. I have a large enough price on my head as is."

With that, Ravenok looked to both sides of the alley, two brick walls leading up to low roofs. He leapt to one side of the alley, the small claws on his greaves latching onto the bricks, then he leapt off of that one to the other side. Again and again, Ravenok made his way up the walls. After a few well placed leaps, Ravenok ended up on a low roof about 6 feet above Xale's head.

"You'll find my answer in Scara Brae." He said. and he walked off to a point where he wasn't visible to Xale anymore. It was off to Scara Brae for Ravenok, perhaps for Xale too.

[XaleManix]

Xale knew what was going on. scara brae huh, ill be there, thats for sure. Xale stared at the whole in the plaster for another minet, and then walked off to procure proper transport to the isle of scara brae. if he died, that would be his fault. he didn't care anymore, the only thing that seemed to matter was the thrill of the journy, he didn't care if he lived, he didn;'t care if he died. he didn't even care about the promise he had made to Ramen back at their last meeting. all he cared about now was the thrill he got when around ravenok, preferable fighting.

[Witchblade]

A quest does not have to be fifteen posts to be judged, it has to be a minimum of ten posts. As I go through this and try to give the two of you some suggestions I’m also going to give you a brief outline of what each section is judging for your future reference.

Story

Continuity: - 5 Continuity deals with the storyline of a particular quest and how it affects the character. Simply put, continuity asks the question: why is the storyline taking place? As this is your first quest and it’s also taking place within the Peaceful Promenade, it will not be judged as harshly as if it were in Corone. In no way am I saying this quest is bad, we just tend to be more lenient with quests in the Scara Brae and Peaceful Promenade as they’re beginning quests for people to get their bearings around here.

You appeared to have some kind of direction for the thread in the beginning, Ravenok being there for a bounty as it seems. Xale your character just shows up out of the blue, nothing wrong with that, but for the most part it’s best to give some brief explanation for why you’re character is in that particular town or even tavern. It makes the story more believable to the reader. The story tends to shift rapidly from Ravenok being there to hunt down this girl for whatever reason, to him being there to hunt down Xale. It made little to no sense in my mind. Why would you need a fake bounty in order to collect on your real target? On top of that, if in fact the bounty with this girl Marica was not fake at all and Ravenok has some business with her, why does the thread end without him finishing said business? There is mention of her owing him some money and lots of mention of her killing some random person name Dergan but she’s quickly forgotten about.

There are other twists in the storyline that make no sense either, like Xale mentioning this Orichulum and how it had almost killed him and his best friend. I have no idea where this came from and frankly it doesn’t really fit into the storyline at all, not only is it never explained but, I just have no idea what it is. Then there’s talk of some book of kin that randomly pops up that Xale somehow knows about as well, not to mention has possession of. Having information to further the storyline along is great, but there needs to be an explanation as to how he got this information. Maybe Ravenok was asking around and some of those people talked, that’s fine. But you shouldn’t just mention some random thing for the sake of the storyline without explaining it, that leaves the reader confused and in the dark, which can quickly annoy any reader.

Be careful of bar fights too, they’ve been done to death and speaking of death, do not run around needlessly killing people unless your character is some kind of cold blooded killer or has gone crazy. As Ravenok said himself during the quest, there are authorities, they will hunt you down and lock you up. Fighting is fine, killing some random dude—who apparently killed Dergan—is not fine, not in public anyway. Kill him in a forest, at least there wouldn’t be witnesses. Althanas runs like the real world and there are consequences for your character’s actions.

Setting: - 5 (I believe this is explanatory) It’s your typical tavern setting and though this is rather cliché and overused, taverns are a good place to meet people and gather information so I never take off points for using them. I do encourage you to expand on your settings though and not have your characters meet in one.

There is no description of the tavern in the Peaceful Promenade, we always leave that up to the writer to use their creative genius to give the place life. Remember that setting is not a canvas on which you paint but a world in which you act. Don’t just describe the setting as they look, but as they smell, feel, taste even. Characters have five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, keep that in mind in your further posts. You don’t have to use all five senses all the time or even in each post or it may become tedious for the reader but there should always be setting in every single post as things should constantly be happening around your character. Your setting tended to disappear after the first post and that should never happen or the reader may start imagining the characters standing there in nothing. Readers are not stupid though and we’re not writing for an extremely young audience on Althanas so going overboard on the details is not necessary. Just remember it can be something small like seeing a voluptuous wench out of the corner of your eye or the feel of the rough wood as you push the door open. Simple things like that make it seem like the character is interacting more than just standing there.

Pacing: - 3 Pacing mainly deals with ‘how’. The pacing in a storyline must be good enough to keep the reader interested but also serve the intent of the writer.

Really, I have no idea what the intent of this story was. It started off fine and set us up for some bounty hunting goodness that quickly got turned into I don’t know what. I know the intent of the writer was to just start himself off with something in the world of Althanas, but the writer’s intent for the character got lost somewhere along the way.

Stories do not need a definite goal when you first start them, I actually find that stories with no goal at all that can take your characters anywhere and are the most fun. But they lose points in areas such as this because it’s clear there never was any kind of intent for the character or that intent disappeared. It’s always best to at least have some kind of goal planned for your character during the quest, you don’t need to plan how he’s getting to that goal, but at least have an ultimate target to reach so you appear to have direction.

Character

Dialogue: - 5 This section deals with dialogue, both internal thought and the actual words your character speaks. Dialogue needs to be believable to the character and even having a lack of dialogue may be believable. As an example, my character Witchblade talks internally a lot but very rarely speaks to others, so a lack of her talking to her comrades would in fact be believable to the character.

Ravenok, I found your dialogue to be truthful to the character and even enjoyed the dialogue from your NPC’s. There are some things you can work on though. Doing quick snaps of dialogue between characters is hard because you’re trying to find a balance between writing a nice long post and getting in that conversation, but jumping ahead is not always the best thing to do. I found your dialogue in post #5 to be a little irritating because you asked Xale a question and then jumped ahead and told his character to mind his own business. Why are you asking him a question if you want him to go away?

Xale your character and his dialogue jumped around like you haven’t made up your mind as to what kind of personality you want him to have. You also had an NPC—a drunk NPC—call your character ‘memory obsessed’. That is one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen an NPC call a character before, it doesn’t even make much sense. Brat, child, shit head, all of those and much more would have made more sense than calling him memory obsessed. How is a person memory obsessed anyway?

I think you just need time to flush out your character and get a better feel for him, Xale.

Action: - 5 Action is like dialogue, action needs to be believable to the character. You wouldn’t have a weak character, scared of battle suddenly grab a sword and strike out at his enemy, no he would try a sneak attack if he would attack at all.

Ravenok you seem to have a good grip and understanding of your characters. All the actions he took during this thread were believable even if the thread itself was questionable.

Xale, you character does some questionable things though, like for instance you mention how Xale knows this random pub dude #1 killed Dergan because Xale fought him and lost. That usually means that the person he fought is a skilled warrior, someone not easily disposed of. Or there was some kind of unfair battle between the two, either way, you took down pub dude #1 one way too easily for having previous fought and lost against him. Not to mention in the same post you’ve got pub dude #1 taking out a sword and a knife.

On top of that I didn’t think that killing someone was in Xale’s nature. In the beginning of the quest he didn’t strike me as the type and I didn’t see cold-blooded killer anywhere in his profile. Nor does it mention that your Legacy weapon can emit flashes of light to blind people. And your basic fireball technique would not allow your character to juggle around one hundred fireballs at the same time. This is normally called powergaming, but you didn’t use it on another character, however you can’t keep doing it. If you want to learn a new move in a quest, that’s fine, but the move has to be requested as a spoil at the end of the thread.

If Xale did fight pub dude #1 and lose, why doesn’t he have any wounds?

Persona: - 5 Persona is how well a character’s emotions are depicted in relation to their personality. A lack of emotion can also be good for certain characters and you don’t always have to describe everything a character feels. Sometimes characters feel things but they’re not really sure what it is or what to do with it.

Ravenok’s emotions are very stoic, cold and distant. The only time he starts to really feel any, that the reader seems to notice, is when Xale steals his kill. I think it mainly deals with the fact that for the most part you never bothered to write in any emotions for your character until that post, you just left it up to the reader to decide. Try to throw in small bits of emotion here and there in certain posts to give the reader an idea as to what your character is thinking and feeling, don’t leave them in the dark. You know because you’re the writer, but they can’t read your mind, they can only read what you put to the page.

Xale your characters emotions fluctuate throughout the thread from cautious, to friendly, to excited. As I already stated I hadn’t perceived your character as the killing type in the beginning of the thread but his emotions and actions rapidly change over the short quest and by the end of it he has found some kind of thrill for battle that he didn’t seem to have before. That’s an interesting character development, but there never really was much of a battle, perhaps it is more the kill that he has found to be exciting rather than the battling as there never was any mention of him enjoying the battle with pub dude #1 the first time they fought and they didn’t fight the second time, Xale flat out killed him in one move. Isn’t Xale supposed to be all for finding his parents and friends? Isn’t he supposed to care about his hometown? Because by the end of this thread the character doesn’t seem to care about any of that anymore, all he wants to do is travel around with Ravenok and kill things.

Writing Style

Mechanics: - 4 This part of the scoring deals with spelling, grammar, sentence structure, the overall flow from sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph, as well as whether or not your sentences make sense. No judge takes off a lot of points for spelling and grammar as no matter how good a writer someone is they will always make these kind of mistakes. To help this—as you both have some—I suggest writing your posts out in Word so you can use spell check and grammar check, then copy and paste the post. It’s not fool proof and it doesn’t catch everything, but it helps. Also, read over your post once or twice because what your mind thinks and what you type is not always the same thing.

Ravenok your posts were good and promising, especially in the lengthier ones. Try to keep writing them at that length. What you mainly need to find is a nice flow between sentences and paragraphs, something that keeps it all going from one to another without jarring the reader. Be careful of the way you word things as well, this is a fantasy world and sometimes you’ll have to stop yourself from using terms too modernized, like the word data. Your character does not know the word data, unless he happens to be from earth, otherwise he should use the word information or even knowledge. ‘Body-hardening practice’ is…odd. Technically there’s nothing wrong with it but it just sounds odd and it leaves the reader out of sorts. You can just as easily say exercise, bodybuilding (even though that one wouldn’t sound that great either), or even practice.

You use the word women a lot to describe a single female. Woman is singular, women is plural, you’re giving the reader the idea that there is more than one of her. Watch out for small things like that.

Xale, capitol letters! Names must be capitalized and the first word of every sentence must be capitalized. Every time your character speaks you need to start a new paragraph. Also, watch out for your tags, you tend to like them a lot and after a while the reader gets tired of reading them, especially when you have such short clipped sentences and after almost every one is some kind of tag.

“May God have mercy on us.” Xale said from behind Ravenok. “I need you. You need me.” He waited. Then continued. “You want to learn about Chi…I need to find my parents.” Xale smirked at this, “you want the book of kin, which is in my possession. If you help me find my parents, I’ll give it you. Agreed?” He then walked around Ravenok juggling three fireballs. Every three seconds he added another fireball allowing Ravenok time to think.

“May God have mercy on us.” Xale said from behind Ravenok. “I need you and you need me. I’m looking for my parents and you wish to find out about Chi, you also want the book of kin, which is in my possession. If you help me find my parents I’ll give it to you, agreed?”

Xale smirked as he began walking around Ravenok, juggling three fireballs in his hands as he gave the man time to think.

I didn’t change a thing that your character did or said, but I made it flow without breaking off the dialogue for the constant use of tags.

Technique: - 1 Technique deals with special literary devices that you can use to truly make a thread great. I didn’t see literary devices that either of you used throughout the quest so I’m going to pull out the old grammar book and suggest a few for future reference if you ever want to use them.

Polysyndeton – The use of more conjunctions then we need.
i.e. tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Asyndeton – Using fewer conjunctions, making it seem faster.
i.e. I came, I saw, I conquered.
Alliteration – A succession of similar sound words, well chosen to trip the tongue and attract the reader’s attention.
i.e. The fate of a familiar female.
Onomatopoeia – The use of words in which the sense is suggested by the sound.
i.e. Buzz, hiss, gurgle.
Personification – Used to give ideas, animals and objects human qualities.
i.e. Dawn crept in unseen to find me still awake.
Epanalepsis – The repetition of the beginning at the end.
i.e. Nothing can be created out of nothing.

Clarity: - 3 This refers to whether or not your posts make sense. Basically, clarity asks: do you say what you need to say using effective, clear and easy-to-follow language?

There were a few points in the thread where I was rather confused as to what was going on, especially when Xale started talking about the Orichulum. As I’ve already stated, the thread itself wasn’t really thought out so the storyline just went all over the place and Xale you need to work on your sentence structure and also include where your character gets the information he has. Once that starts coming together a lot of the confusion for your posts will go away and you’ll get better clarity scores.

Wild Card: - 3 Wild Card is where we can add in extra points for things that stood out to us throughout the quest that are not covered in the other sections. This quest needed a lot of work, but both of you show promise and I look forward to judging more of your work.

Total: 39

Rewards:

Ravenok receives 200 experience and 100 GP!
Xale receives 150 experience and 100 GP!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!