Workshop: Shaping Steel (Mature)

[Breaker]

Name of Completed Thread: Shaping Steel (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29405-Shaping-Steel-(closed-to-Aurelianus)-(Mature))
Name of Authors: Skie and Avery and Aurelianus Drak'shal
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: August 9th, 2017
Author Comments:
A warning for some mature content would likely be helpful to add to the workshop information in case players would prefer to avoid that.

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Breaker]

Only one week remains for this workshop, get your reviews in soon!

[SirArtemis]

Apologies for cutting it close. I have been reading this in pieces over the month as I've been quite busy and mostly absent. I'm going to do my best to touch on the elements that I might find constructive.


Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

The story itself seems more a prologue than anything else, which makes it difficult as a standalone. It's the bringing together of two characters into something that can serve as much more. However, it did raise the question as to what elements of the story were serving the actual narrative versus simply happening. That's something I struggle with myself and contemplating what's filler and what is relevant. I suppose that comes into knowing what it is you're trying to convey and what's important to present to the reader regarding events and character development.

The setting was vivid but sometimes too much so, as I'll mention below as well. There is a fine line between what to tell and what is too much, but even more relevant, is that it's very hard to present a reader with a vivid image of something that's so foreign to them; this is true of me as this is a story I've never dabbled with, reading or writing, so the vivid and gruesome notions were hard to keep in minds eye and actually see. I'm not a big horror/gore fan. Because of the density of this writing, it made it extra hard to really get going with this and settle into a steady pace. I came and went from reading this thread across almost a month because it didn't grab me. I felt like I was on a very bumpy road.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

One of the major struggles in this narrative for me is the cast of creatures and entities involved. It's so jarring that it's nigh impossible for me to sort through who is who and their role. I tried my hardest to focus on the two main entities: Avery and Aurelianus. However, the amount of effort that went into attention to detail, describing the graphic nature of the environment and the erotic and gruesome interactions left me sort of overheated and numb. I felt like I had been set to boil and never given a chance to cool down and it made it difficult to slog through the story. I was intrigued at the actual fleshcrafting that Aurelianus did in post 10, but even that started to sort of turn off for me as the actual results were described.

On another note, the main two guys in particular were very interesting to try to piece apart. It's difficult to understand their drives and motives and what kind of people they are. It's also strange to try to dismantle their relationship with one another and the role it plays outside of this narrative, if at all.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

I think this area was a general struggle with me on a few fronts. The first is the flipping between Aurelius and Aurelianus. Even now, I'm not sure if these were typos or not. My gut says yes, but the fact that even the author whose character he was used it so often, I can't say. (Mari mentions it's a nickname but I struggle with that being a nickname since it's almost the same thing). There were also general mechanical errors littered throughout the narrative, which thankfully didn't detract terribly. However, the largest barrier to entry for me here was the clarity. As a reader who just happens to not be exposed to such material often, a lot of the vivid imagery that was attempted seemed to be leaving me in a sense of constant sensory overload. I had an easier time keeping the environment relatively simple in my mind but there were many details I inherently believed I'd either gotten wrong or missed entirely. I can't really say if my advise of simplifying the language would actually be constructive, because I can't speak to the audience you'd normally visit.


Wildcard

This presentation and writing style isn't for everyone, and I felt it was very difficult to engage personally. The amount of detail involved, and even moreso my inability to imagine or engage what was presented, left the experience feeling more a chore than a pleasure. The complexity of the content was so rich and heavy that it only made it that much harder to complete.

The photo link didn't work, but all the better. All I gotta say is.. you should see somebody. A mental health professional maybe. <3

[Eteri]

Story 5/10
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Setting:
I love the intro that skie did, and setting was a strong point for the both of you. Granted most of that setting was mangled bodies and gore, but it was painted in an interesting light. This continued throughout and I feel it was a strong point for the both of you.

However, the one place you did fall short on in is the actual story itself, I know its leading up to something and as usual when it comes to Aurelianus, bigger picture rather than smaller (aka multiple threads) but as a stand alone this thread didn't. Pacing also seemed lacking. It seemed like the thread was rushed to be finished, it had a strong lead up but no middle or proper end.



Character 8/10
Communication, Action, and Persona

Avery is interesting, as most succubi and incubi I have seen on Althanas are all about the 'mmm yes sex pls.' and less about the more intricate details and darker aspects that I would imagine to follow such a race. Although I feel a little disappointed I didn't get a better read on his persona in this thread, he definitely came off as the more submissive type when pitted against Aurelianus, not only in the more devious/sexual aspects but in wits.

Aurelianus' character has always been interesting, from his personality to his looks to his speech mannerisms. TO me, he is a unique character with dark desires and forces an overall narrative that leaves the reader questioning him and his motives. This can be both good and bad as I imagine it can be infuriating to some.

I enjoyed the initial tit for tat the two shared, and the curiosity of Avery when it came to flesh crafting and Aure's finer arts

Action I am not sure what to say here in terms of action, as I feel this could be split into a few different categories, primarily sex and flesh crafting. Both were languid but felt a little short


Prose 9/10
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

Few typos here and there, including names. C'mon folks don't typo the names!
Edit: After re-reading both profiles I realise it is not a typo but a nickname. Withdrawn.

I like the small details; things like this which help paint the bigger picture and add more overall.

The rings piercing his tapered ears chimed melodically as they perked up, picking out what the breath-taking creature had said.


Beyond that, I had no real issue with reading the thread, I am not the most grammatically profound but read no real errors, my only qualm (and I am being nit-picky here) is the over reliant use of commas.



Wildcard 9/10
I love this style of writing and you two bounced off each other really well. This thread was one of the first threads I ever read when I came to Althanas and I'm happy to see it finally come to an end, this isn't the first time I've gone through and re read it, it's one of the ones I really genuinely enjoyed. (I unno what that says about me) I didn't give a perfect score because I'd rather not give Aure a bigger head than he already has, and I am talking about the one on top of his shoulders.

[Breaker]

This workshop will be closing tonight. Last chance to get your reviews in!

EDIT: This workshop is now closed. Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop - Shaping Steel (http://www.althanas.com/oldworld/showthread.php?32368-Workshop-Shaping-Steel-(Mature))

SirArtemis receives 980 EXP, 30 GP, 4 AP.
Eteri receives 140 EXP, 30 GP, 4 AP.

[Rayleigh]

Rewards added on 4.0!