How am I doing?

[Atzar]

I was wondering if I could get some pre-completion feedback on this quest from everybody:

Story of a Wanderer (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=3071)

It's a solo, and I'm fairly pleased with the way it's coming out - and I believe the end is one of the most interesting parts, so I have high hopes for this.

My only worry is that it drags a bit in the middle of the quest - nothing happens for awhile.

Anyway, let me know what you think. If you have some time and an interest in the quest, give it a read and tell me what you think.


Thanks!!!

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ha... And I just went and asked someone to tell me what they thought on my solo thread. Heh...

[Atzar]

lol... alright, I'll trade you then - I'll comment on yours if you comment on mine.

Deal?

[Ravenok Kinnes]

I suppose so, i'll go read yours.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Ha ha... That was enjoyable. I definitely like your expansive use of vocabulary. I think it might even be a little better than mine. Keep at it, I just may keep reading.

[Atzar]

Thank you.

Alright, I read through yours, as well. It was a fun read. Well-described, easy to follow, and martial arts fighters are always fun to read. On the negative side, there were a bunch of little spelling/grammar mistakes, and Ravenok isn't too innovative the way you portrayed him - right now, he just seems like a hand-to-hand fighter with a bad temper.

This is something that will change with time and familiarity with the character, though - Atzar isn't particularly 3D either, but as he goes through more trials on Althanas he'll become a solid, round character with a definite history and personality.

Overall, I liked it.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Yeah, I attempted to get out those little typos but I guess I didn't get them all.

And yes, that's pretty much what he is. A hand-to-hand fighter with an ill temper. I wanted his development to really come from my adventures here on Althanas. In time, that will change. Right now he's a shell, just waiting for a legend to make it's home within.

Edit: You can read the first couple of replies I got in Darkness, Take Me if you want as well. I just did one.

[Lucien]

If we're doing Quid Pro Quo, who wants to take a look at my solo? I'll do the same for you.

Actually, I hate Quid Pro Quo. I prefer 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine.' ;)

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Sure.

[Atzar]

If we're doing Quid Pro Quo, who wants to take a look at my solo? I'll do the same for you.

Actually, I hate Quid Pro Quo. I prefer 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine.' ;)

Lack of originality or humor is definitely something nobody could ever fault you for... hahaha.

It's a very... interesting story, obviously written more to be funny than to be serious. And it definitely accomplishes that - I was laughing my ass off when the wisp was forced into the body of a transvestite.

A couple spelling mistakes, nothing big enough to detract from the story. Overall, it was unique and amusing to read. I like it.

[Lucien]

Well thanks Atzar. Of course it's not a serious read, just the inner working's of Lucien and my own mind.


Well, I read through your first post. I must say you're pretty good. It has an odd flow at times, but nothing that hampers the story of it. I'll just give you a few minor mistakes or awkwardnesses I noticed.

*A thin-framed man with a gigantic mouth sitting just across from him, at the same table.
-Firstly, I think you could just say, "A thin man with a gigantic mouth," although I'd prefer large. You also don't need to note it was the same table, one could sense just by 'sitting just across from him...' would mean that.

*dessicated
-I'm pretty sure you meant desiccated and that it was just a minor error. Although I believe you can find a much better word to describe lifeless and beaten. Desiccated means more dry than anything else.

*People laughed, fought and drank like it was late. These occurrences usually do happen late at night.
-You should elaborate a bit here. How do people laugh/fight/drink late at night? Is it jovial and happy? Is it awkward and depressing? Do they all just pee themselves and pass out drunk? Just a bit of elaboration helps give us Ravenok's view on the whole thing.
Also, 'occurrences'

*"Pay for that, will you old chum?" He asked the man, who was still coughing. He nodded quickly, after again seeing Ravenok's glare.
-You use he a bit too much, and Ravenok too. For the hobo, throw in some colorful nouns like vagabond, vagrant, ...hobo...
With Ravenok too you should use some colorful nouns. The warrior, the mercenary, ...that...guy...You see where I'm going?
You're phrasing for He nodded quickly, after again seeing Ravenok's glare. was a tad awkward. Might I suggest...
- He quickly nodded again after seeing Ravenok's glare.

*It was night definitely, stars were twinkling in the cloudless skies, at least that's what Ravenok had guessed.
-You might consider changing It was night definitely... to -"It was Definitely night."

It might seem like I'm picking at hairs, but if I am sweating the small stuff, we all know the big stuff ain't bad. Keep up the good work, just read over it a time or two.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

I don't have a problem with criticism. Don't worry about it.

Edit: I changed it a little bit, to the things you said.

[The Madd Hatter]

I shall do the same, a swap, if someone would read Trapped Forever, the solo I am working on. There would be more posts, but two decent length posts are all that are they for now. I am hopping that the introduction is setting a good mood, however, and if I screw up on the intro then I might as well give up on having a good thread.

If you don't want to, I understand.

[Atzar]

Fair enough.

I read the beginning of your quest. I think you have a great ability at describing your setting - everything was very detailed and the tone was very well done. Up to this point, I have no complaints, although I'll be interested to see why exactly Hatter is doing what he's doing.

In summary: good start.

EDIT: In response to your latest post...

Your character's motive is clear now - I picked up the hints from that 'chapter.'

One word of caution: As I've said, your setting is fantastic in my opinion, but be careful that you don't focus on that to the point of excluding your character. Frederick, after all, is the centerpoint of your story. While what's around him is very important, what's inside him is just as important.

Although I think this may be intentional on your part - your entire quest has had a mysterious air to it, and it could be that you're just emphasizing that.

We'll see as the quest goes on.

[The Madd Hatter]

Okay, I am not going to be specific yet but I have read over "Story of a Wanderer" once and I want to read it a second time [perferably when its done] to tell you everything, but this one time should give you some insight.

First of all, I like how you introduced it. A laid back night not expecting anything special, just randomly reading something in his vast[?] library. Very good way to start an adventure. However, from there, it slowly tumbles downhill. The forward motion of the thread is sometimes forced and sometimes slow, as if you are taking baby steps then leaping, then baby steps. It is a strange read, but it isn't necesarily bad. It has, however, kept my interest and if you got the pattern of how you want it to flow down more concrete then I really do look forward to how it ends. Sometimes the middle matter of a story can be the hardest, but dare not think of it as an insurmountable challange, but instead a riddle you must figure out. The middle is designed to set up each and every support so that in the end, the conclusion stands tall and proud, spotless and -as the name states- conclusive. Althanas threads are supposed to be designed to be stand-alone threads, so each conclusion should, in theory, conclude the specific conflict of the thread, but maybe not all conflicts. You probably know this, and as Ceran often seemed to, I digress as well.

What I mean to say is that you are doing good so far, and I am going to be watching for when you complete it so I made re-read it as a whole.

Thank you for your comment on my solo as well, I was hoping that my introduction wasn't too over the top on vagueness. The Madd Hatter is rather random in his acts at times, but all shall be clear in its own twisted way eventually. ^^

[Atzar]

Thank you for the critique...

You've said nothing that wasn't true. This is indeed a test for me - AdventWings advised me to slow down my pace in my last solo, and this is my first attempt to take his words into account. I couldn't expect it to be flawless on my first run.

I'm relieved to hear that it kept your interest, however. Personally, I thought the middle dragged a bit due to lack of action. The encounter with the creature was actually moved forward from where I planned to introduce it, in the hopes that I might rekindle the interest - in its original place, a slightly bigger conflict will occur.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Do Me! Do Me! (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=3218)

I mean... Yea do me. Let's swap. This is only in character thread so far.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Alright, Rajani. I'll read it.

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Hey, the two of you that commented on Monotonous Bloodlust do you also want to comment on the next part to it? I only have three posts in it, though. "Darkness, Take Me."(in sig)

[Ravenok Kinnes]

Heh... So, yeah Rajani, I read your thread. I enjoyed it. But I thought it was a solo? Not like that matters. I am not much for in depth criticism and comments, sorry. So all I will say is I liked it(it's not done yet, is it?). I like how you use quotes from your "Aishwara Records." It adds a sense of originality to it, definitely a plus. I'll just leave it at that.