Scara Schemes

[Sid]

“The sunset is really lovely today don’t you think, Sid?” Clair asked innocently, “I can’t see the sunset from my room, and I’m not allowed to go out near dark.” She continued to walk steadily, staring off in the distance without a care, though her hands continued to stray to the rough spun wool pants and shirt she wore. “Mother says I’m supposed to only wear dresses because that’s what a proper lady does. Do you think I’ll get in trouble for wearing these?”

Sid turned his attention back to the girl, realizing he was supposed to answer. It was difficult to think of her as a little girl, her long hair pulled up in a hat and wearing those clothes she looked just like any nameless stable boy, “You told me you wanted to dress like the other children. If they ask, tell them the clothes were itchy and you hated it.” Sid cast a side long glance around before turning back, “I’m sure they won’t though, as long as you don’t make a habit of it.”

While dealing with a child was one of the things he liked least, whether or not people were watching him and making note of his passing concerned him more. It would not do if people asked about and discovered a man in a dark suit and a young child passed through, especially if they heard a name. In the distance he spotted a dark cloaked figure, nearly six feet tall and bulky, and Sid relaxed visibly. All’s clear, get the message and don’t do anything stupid Vobar, you’re still useful to me.

“Clair, do you smell that? Smells like cinnamon, don’t you think?” Sid asked pleasantly, “I think it’s coming from that stall over there, are you hungry? Here, take these coins and pick yourself out something, and get me something too.” He dumped a few coins in her outstretched hand and waited a moment as she ran over to the stall, then turned back to meet with his acquaintance. “Vobar, for a little while there I thought you’d forgotten to meet me,” there was humor in his voice but his eyes were ice, “You still have the letter correct? Should be an hour before they notice the girl’s gone, but you won’t wait. Don’t be seen.”

His response was only a grunt, and then Vobar was pacing down the street with the click-click-click of plate over mail. Here and there behind him Sid could see a strange bulge from some weapon or other, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it. Clair returned just as he left, seemingly without even noticing the exchange. “So what’d you end up getting?”

“He has these little balls of dough that are covered in sugar and filled with honey,” she announced happily as she bit into a fresh one she was holding, “You really should try one.”

“Alright, where’s mine at?” Sid asked, noticing too late that her hands were empty. “Or did you eat them all?” She gestured that her mouth was too full to answer, but a drop of honey ran down her chin. “Of course.”

[Sid]

Meanwhile Vobar walked down the street, fingering a letter deep in the hidden pocket in his cloak. He briefly went over it once more in his mind, well, at least the part that mattered. There had been a lot of words, not a letter of which he could read or cared to, and neatly in the third block of writing he had spotted letters. He knew this to be the gold amount, and even with his rudimentary knowledge of math he knew that was a large sum. Fifty percent, half, equal parts, that was the deal on the gold he’d made with this Sid character.

They’d hooked up together in a bar; it’d only taken one kill. The bartender was trying to collect a tab and being rude about it, so Sid’d said he’d pay the tab to anyone that killed the bartender. When the bartender gave him an angry look and shouted “If you have the money why won’t you just pay?” and Sid had answered, “Because I don’t like you, and the ale is watered.” Vobar liked his style, and he liked his gold more when the bartender lay in pool of blood. There was strange cruelty to him that Vobar found appealing, and so they’d traveled together for a short while before coming to Scara Brea.

Then, when Sid had hatched this scheme of his, Vobar was eager to be part of it. The details didn’t all make sense to him, but then Sid was a lot smarter than him to. They kidnap the daughter of Baron Valeena while he and his family were attending court with the queen. Then, they ransom the daughter back to the Valeena family. That part was pretty straightforward, but why they didn’t just grab the girl and run until they got the money was a mystery. Sid had explained it to him over and over, “We take the girl quietly without a fuss, and the Baron won’t have the knights scouring the city for us day and night. The Baron will go to the queen to get the Scara Scimitar of Supremacy, and she’ll give it to him because she doesn’t want it known that a member of the royalty was kidnapped while in her very own home. This way, the Baron gives us the gold and we have a famous relic to fetch us a good price on the market. All win and no loss, understand?” He didn’t, but he knew they were getting a weird sword and a lot of gold and that was all he needed to know.

His job now was to sneak into the Baron’s room in the palace, place the letter on his bed, and sneak out, all without being seen. He’d rather kill any guards and rob the Baron a at sword point, but Sid had a clever argument that made him change his mind, though he couldn’t remember what it was. In and out, easy, and the job would be done. Just thinking about all the gold he was going to have caused his lips to curve back into a wicked smile.

[Sid]

“Shouldn’t I be going back to the palace?” Clair asked, staring at the quickly darkening sky, “Mother says demons come out at night that dress and look like men, and that they steal young women and do horrible things to them.”

“That may be,” Sid said in soothing tones, “But not when I’m here. Do you know what demon mothers tell their demon children?” Sid flashed a wry grin, “At night Sid comes out to prowl the streets, snatching up demons where ever they be found, and he does doubly horrible things to them, with a fork. I would tell you more, but then you’d have to eat with your hands forever after out of fear.”

Her nervous giggle and a sudden silence showed her new image of him, both comforting and frightening. The way he walked showed his lack of fear, but without the bold recklessness of a braggart. They quickly reached their destination just as the orange clouds in the distance began fading to blue.

“Here we are, the Dajas Pogada. You’ll be plenty safe from demons here, and comfortable. What’s with that look? A night out of your house won’t hurt you.” Sid spoke a little more forcefully than he had intended, but there was nothing to be done for it. As they walked up the stairs leading into the tall wooden structure, Sid nodded to a barely detectable shadow standing just inside the doorway, one of the monks. He knew well enough about how the Dajas Pogada came to be, how they were kicked out of the Citadel for trying to earn some money. With some bribery, they didn’t care if you actually meant to fight or if the illusion room was working for a hotel.

When they passed through the doors, there was momentary shift as though the world tilted on its side, and then the lights flickered on. The room was fairly large and well adorned, framed portraits of famous heroes were displayed on the walls, in the center of the room rested two long armchairs upholstered with crimson velvet facing the large mortared fireplace with several logs. The wood ignited as they approached and emitted the scent of pine, the atmosphere was serene.

“I believe that through that door over there is the bedroom,” Sid whispered softly, “I think you’ll find it nice enough.” He smiled and gently pushed her towards the doorway. Once she was gone, Sid moved slowly towards one of the two chairs and seated himself. Between the two chairs sat a low table laden with bottles, glasses, and a bucket of ice. Pouring himself a glass from one of the bottles, Sid took a sip and sank back into the chair, “Worse ways to wait…”

[Sid]

A short while later, Vobar waited patiently outside of the Dajas Pogada. He’d fought in here once before in the past, but it had been a long time ago. The moon was stretching out across the sky, slowly making the usual crossing, and it seemed in no hurry. Time stretched out, becoming unbearably slower when he wanted it go faster. All of this waiting, kidnapping the girl, leaving notes, this wasn’t him. This was all Sid, and he was just a sword-arm to do the dirty work. Why was he doing this Sid’s way? He should have been the leader, he was stronger and taller, and probably handsomer too. Maybe he was the leader, since Sid couldn’t have done this without him, yea, that was probably it. Sid came up with the plans because he was told to, so Vobar was in control. But what if he wasn’t?

Once distracted by the dilemma of leadership, Vobar quickly passed the time. Before he knew it, a man approached the Pogada with a lumpy bag thrown over his shoulder. He had long dark hair, a simple cotton shirt and tan pants, light shoes. He had a slight hunch to his shoulders, and a few wrinkles showed his age, a man that bent his back for a living. The Baron hadn’t even brought the gold himself, but instead had sent his servant! It angered Vobar a little, he’d been looking forward to seeing this Baron, he’d never seen royalty before.

As the man stood before the building with a look of extreme discomfort, Vobar stepped out of the shadows and approached him. “Is that all of it?” he gave the bag a critical look, “not as big as I thought’d be.”

“This is all of it,” the man said warily, “Where’s Clair, how do we know she’s alright?” The man glanced away from Vobar and stared hard at the shadows of buildings like he expected a pack of bandits to jump out and kill him, despite that Vobar could have killed him easily.

“She’s fine,” Vobar raised his voice, “Hey! Where’s the sword? You were supposed to have it!” Vobar drew a knife and held its saw-like blade to the man’s throat to emphasize his point, “Where is it? You aren’t the first man I’ve killed.”

The surprised man whispered, “It’s in the bag,” without moving his throat, yet he could feel a trickle of blood run down and under his shirt. Without removing the dagger, Vobar opened the sack, and seeing only a long dagger knew he’d been tricked. The man’s body hit the ground and his head rolled back at a crazy angle, the blade had cut to the bone and his life’s blood clotted on the ground around him. The edge of a long black cloak trailed through the door to the pogada.

[Sid]

During his wait, Sid had checked a couple times to ensure Clair was asleep and not slipping past him, then decided to try each of the bottles before deciding on the thick nearly black drink. It had the strongest flavor and alcohol content, as little an effect as it was. He knew it was the heavenblind, taking a drug so potent and so regularly made his body resistant, nothing less than a full bottle would pass him out, but he liked the flavor and continued drinking anyway. Thinking of the heavenblind made him twirl the lung that used it between his fingers. A sudden disturbance at the door and he deftly pocketed it.

The door swung open and in bounded Vobar, all six plus feet of him and a huge sack dangling from his hand. It pleased him to know they’d already been paid, who knew the Baron could gather so much coin so quickly? Setting down his own glass and filling it, then filling a second glass that foamed slightly at the substance coating the edges, Sid rose to greet his companion.

“I trust everything went according to plan?” Sid asked with a questioning glance, “Did you count it to make sure, were I the Baron there’d be rock in the bottom. Did you check?” The slight sag of Vobar’s shoulders showed that he had not and a sudden look of determination overcame his hesitation to speak further.

“He didn’t bring the scimitar,” Vobar blurted out, “They put a big knife in the bag to trick me. I caught on and killed the man before he could pull anything funny.” The way he spoke the last part hinted at a sense of pride for not being fooled so easily, but Sid doubted that would be the case, no knife could look like the scimitar and the Baron would not have risked his daughter on such a foolishness, at best he might have placed a fancy scimitar in its place.

“Let me see,” Sid gestured to the bag, “Was it really a knife? You know a scimitar isn’t much longer than a shortsword right?” As Vobar handed the bag over, albeit reluctantly, his huge armored hand nearly ripping the bag with his grip. As soon as he did, Sid opened it eagerly and gazed inside. Sure enough inside it was a scimitar, and a smirk formed itself against his will. The brute liked his weapons big and his armor thick, anything shorter then himself must have constituted being a dagger. As he pulled it out to examine it, the smirk vanished. The blade was blue and the handle shiny, the qualities of a mythril handle and prevalida blade, but the entire thing had the heft of steel. Briefly he took a fingernail to the edge, and some of the blue flaked away under pressure. Paint. Clever bastard.

“So then that’s really the sword, eh?” Vobar interrupted, “Guess I didn’t need to kill that guy, but I was feeling the itch. You know what I mean, just need to kill something every once in a while.” Vobar stood there waiting for Sid’s response, ignorant of the false weapon.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean,” whispered Sid as he grabbed the two drinks, carefully selecting the one for Vobar, “To us, rich men henceforth!”

[Sid]

“Ugh! What is that smell?” Clair asked nobody in particular. Her nose crinkled in disgust, and she searched the room for the source. At last she identified it, a huge form slumped in one the chairs with a black cloak thrown over it. She started to approach the oddly bulky form when Sid stepped out from seemingly nowhere and intercepted her.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’ll like what you find.” Sid said softly, his tone firm and commanding, “I didn’t think you’d wake so early. The sun has not yet risen, are you sure you’re a noble?” His tone was changed to teasing, but he moved bodily to block her view of the chair, his outstretched arms attempting to usher her back into the bedroom. “I believe the room had a wardrobe, did it not? I should think you would want to dressed more…ladylike, before you make your return.”

She hesitated for a moment, but wasn’t up to defying him with that strange look in his eyes. When she went back, the room did indeed have a huge redwood wardrobe, how could she not have noticed? To think, she had slept in these peasantry clothes when finer garments were right beside her. The novelty of not having to wear a dress had worn off quickly, and the clothes itched something awful. Without any more wasted time, Clair set herself to the task of getting dressed without the help her servants or mother usually provided, and her unsteady hands fumbled with the task.

Confident that no woman could take any less than half an hour to dress, Sid set himself to work. He hadn’t expected her to wake for several hours, but his plans could easily be moved to fit. Turning to the matter at hand, the stench assaulted him like a wall, but he pushed through it. You could have had some dignity in death, but no. You had to vomit all over both chairs, and now there’s shit all over your precious armor.

The task of moving the body proved to be difficult, he couldn’t so much as lift Vobar’s arm with the armor on. It proved a tad bit more trifling than he originally conceived to remove the man’s armor and weaponry, and by the time it was all off Sid’s face shown with sweat from the exertion. After he wrapped Vobar’s naked body in his cloak, he pushed, pulled, swore at, and kicked his armor into the ashes of the fireplace and sat back on the floor with his work complete. These last few weeks, always polishing your armor and sharpening your sword. “Two inches thick, impenetrable, best damned armor ever made,” lot of good it does against powdered nightshade on your cup. A cruel smile crept across his face.

“All right,” announced Clair with the bliss only a child can have, “I’m ready to go.” She had on a red dress with ties in her hair and a large matching hat. The difference the two outfits made was incredible, from any low-born boy to the noble blooded daughter. She would keep the eyes on her, peasants were always fascinated with the nobles they dreamed they were.

“You look nice,” spoke Sid with a charming smile, “Nobody will be able to keep their eyes off you.” Nothing like a child to distract from a criminal, all is according to plan.

[Sid]

Sid hosted his new black covered package over his shoulder, and prepared to leave following Clair. At the last moment, he turned back to grab the sack of gold, noticing with surprise how much lighter it was with the scimitar on the floor. He quickly followed her out, exiting the Dajas Pogada without a look back at the room.

Once outside, he looked up to the east, and realized just how early in the morning it was. The faint orange and red of the sunrise was beginning to drift up over the nearby buildings, but at least it was light enough to see. Worried about needing to stall for time, he looked about and smirked as he spotted only the slightest stain of blood on the street. They had already recovered the body and were handling this without the Scara Knights, so far at least.

“Ah, Sid! You smell horrid, what are you carrying?” Clair put a hand to her nose and was determined to breathe through only her mouth. Her accusing eyes darted between him and his cargo, unsure of which was actually generating the full-scale war on her sense of smell. “You do smell that don’t you?”

“Yes, I smell it,” Sid admitted with a sigh, “Walk a ways ahead of me if you must. I can’t leave it.” He had half a mind to be content with dumping it on the road, but a missed opportunity would bother him more than his nose. He had no choice but to power through, anything can be done with enough determination. Sid shrugged his shoulder to get a more comfortable position, and began walking at a steady pace.

Keeping a steady twenty feet in front, Clair skipped merrily along. Only occasionally would she glance back to make sure he was still following her, but remained none the wiser. As they passed by groups of huddled citizens she caught little bits of conversation but didn’t bother to piece it together. Did you hear…kidnapped…a huge bounty…what kind of monster would… While she ignored it completely, Sid listened attentively and observed the strained looks he got and the tension in the air, but paid it no mind. So far everything was going according to plan, albeit a little ahead of schedule. There weren’t as many people about as he would have liked, but then again nobody recognized Clair by sight, so fewer was probably for the best.

[Sid]

“Have you found her yet?” The Baron’s normally droll voice was higher pitched with his worry, “You said you’d get her back immediately? If my daughter dies because the queen wouldn’t let me have some, some stupid sword-” He spit the word like a curse, but was interrupted before he could continue.

“I am sure that your daughter will be fine,” Captain Olinar said with forced patience, “though it worries me that we found Sir Gregor like that. He was one of my best, it must have been unwarranted, or there would be criminal blood everywhere. Stop your pacing, it’s tiresome.” The Baron stopped for a moment to glare at him, then continued to walk back and forth as he had done endlessly all through the night.

“I should never have trusted you,” the Baron threw his voice in an impression, “Everything will be alright. Give us an hour, two at most, and you’re daughter will be secure in your arms and the culprits securely fasted to a tree branch, with rope. It has been three hours, I’ll have your head for this…” The Baron’s voice trailed off into angry silence, as he brooded darkly and stamped back and forth through the room.

The Captain sighed when he saw his aide enter from the hall, “You have news of the girl?” He pleaded as much as asked, “out with it.” As much as he hoped for good news, or a replacement to deal with the Baron, but the youth’s stance and face were ominous.

“Sir,” the young man saluted obnoxiously, “I’m afraid I do not. We’ve questioned the people nearby, but no one saw anything or heard anything. We are broadening our search, but without an outright investigation it is proving difficult and slow moving. If we could just wear our uniforms and lock down the city, the people responsible could not escape. Every moment we delay, escape becomes a greater possibility. At least we should lockdown the docks, try to contain them from the mainland. Also, another matter is demanding immediate attention. It appears your lady-wife was eavesdropping, she knows about the ploy.” Before he could say anymore, the door flew open and struck the aide painfully from behind, the “lady-wife” standing amidst the door.

Knowing how emotional such things could get and how nobles acted like children, Olinar reluctantly dismissed his aide and sighed, this night was about to get even longer.

[Sid]

It seemed to take an impossibly longer amount of time to go the palace as it had to come from it, and his load made it even longer. Sid had already been forced to shift shoulders three times, even without his armor the man weighed a ton. Not only was he heavy, but he was rock hard and somehow managed to push on pressure points with every jostle. The sun was most of the way over the horizon by now, yet they still seemed so far away.

Ahead of him, Clair would skip ahead a ways and then turn back to wait. It occurred to her that he hadn’t been so slow only a day before, but she knew it would be impolite to leave him behind and waited with a remarkable patience for a child so young. “If you go any slower, I could run there and back twice before you got halfway.” Her tone was only half teasing, though Sid was too preoccupied to notice.

For several more minutes they walked in silence, broken only by a grunt every time Sid shifted shoulders. When the gates came up on him it was surprise, though it made him no happier. Now came the tricky part, walking through the gates as a criminal with impunity, the proving moment for just how much the guards knew or suspected. He trusted his plans, but Vobar could have messed something up, any little thing could get him caught.

“Halt,” ordered the beady eyed guard, “Civilians are not allowed inside.” He cast a wary glance towards Sid’s massive package, squinting his eyes in the early sun trying to pierce through the fuzzy black cloak.

“I’m with the lady Clair,” Sid said with a casual tone, “The Baron Valeena is expecting us.” Sid stood carefully keeping his face motionless and neutral, suppressing the wild excitement running through him, while Clair glared at him impatiently.

Urgently, people had been coming and going for the Baron all through the night, and so another was not unusual, and it was well known the Baron had a young daughter. “Very well,” the guard said reluctantly, casting one last suspicious glance at Sid before pushing open the heavy steel gates.

Once inside, the pair walked together, or as close as she could endure, and traversed their way up the winding gravel walkway that covered a wide stretch of the sloping hill, much of which lay in shade from tall deciduous trees interspersed about the grass and flower patches. As they approached the building another guard was posted at the door and stopped them. He recognized Clair immediately, and focused his accusing eyes on Sid while loosening his sword from the scabbard.

“Who are you, and why are you with Clair?” he began loudly and as menacingly as he could, “How did you get in here?” When he took a breath to begin another barrage of questions, Clair cut him off.

“Out of the way, Venlor,” said Clair angrily, “I want to see my parents. What are you waiting for? Move!” The last part she nearly screamed, and motioned for him to step aside. For a moment, he seemed about to shout back at her, but then focused again on Sid, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “That stays here.” His word had finality, so Sid left Vobar.

[Sid]

After expressing that the package should not be unwrapped for any reason, its contents easily spilled, Sid entered the Palace. The interior of the house was richly decorated, crown molding and tapestries adorned the walls and several statues lay to the side of the hallway, and every few feet were expensive and intricate candelabras. A few well placed windows negated the need for them, but they added atmosphere to the hallway.

Clair ran forward eagerly, opening doors and peaking in and then continuing, rushing from one to the next. Relieved of the weight, Sid rolled his shoulders to relax, and followed after Clair, though not at the pace she set. Several minutes were spent on searching the rooms, occasionally Clair would tell him briefly which rooms were which and what they were used for, or what she thought they were used for. One room she named the room of torture, part curiosity and part dread forced him to peak inside himself. To his great relief, the room held an enormous amount of books along with bank scrolls and a quill with ink.

Finding the room she was looking for, Clair let out a squeaky scream that hurt Sid’s ears, and ran into the room to hug a very proper looking woman. The woman was somewhat old; she had a few wrinkles and age spots but retained much of the dignified haughtiness royals had. Her face cracked to a smile as Clair ran to ran, but her eyes burned with hatred toward Sid.

“Who are you?” A strong voice addressed him, catching him off guard. Failing to hide his surprise, Sid turned and took in the rest of the room. It was much larger than he had anticipated, stretching nearly twenty feet farther in behind the door than he had thought. In the area previously unnoticed stood two men, one armored and alarmed at his intrusion, the other fat and richly dressed in silk robes, both confused.

The fat one spoke first, “You must work for Olinar,” he gestured towards the armored one, “So we have you to thank for rescuing my daughter, correct?” So that is the Baron, even fatter than I thought.

Sid took a moment to consider how much he dared before answering, “Yes, your very welcome, m’lord.” He bent into a deep bow, straightened and then waited for a response.

The Baron didn’t quite smile, but his lips twitched upward slightly, “Yes, well, thanks are in order. Heh, Olinar why weren’t you out there searching like this young man? You, how would you like Olinar’s job, you seem more capable than him, and with better manners besides.” The Baron spoke pointedly towards Olinar, his eyes smiled if his face did not while Olinar turned first red than purple with barely suppressed anger, forcing his mouth closed in a thin straight line.

“Really, you are too generous. I’m afraid I’m not officer material, though perhaps a slight bonus in pay? “ Sid smiled modestly, his eyes glinting with excitement as he waited for the Baron’s response, he would take as much as he could get.

“Yes, of course. It will be arranged at a later time. Now please, leave us, I wish to be with my daughter.” The Baron said with a husky voice, turning his back towards Olinar and Sid both.

As they turned to leave, Sid could feel the anger radiating off of Olinar, who forced himself to a loud and very angry whisper in the hallway. “How did you get the girl? We’ve been searching everywhere for her. Who’s your commanding officer?”

Sid grinned crookedly, “What do you mean, you’re my commanding officer. Really, it wasn’t much trouble to find the kidnapper, he’s waiting outside.”

Olinar was only further infuriated by his words, “You know damn well I’m not your commander. You’re not even part of the knights are you?” Olinar paused to consider this, a slight smile crossing his face, “You made me look a fool in there, but you’ll be the fool when you hang from the gallows.”

His crooked grin never leaving, Sid replied. “I think not. The Baron would never let his daughter’s rescuer hang,” As he turned to walk away, his words carried back down the hallway, “By the way, don’t ever trade a false sword again, it won’t turn out well for the hostage next time.” As he left, Sid heard the gasp from the captain, and laughed as he swung the outside door open, it was pure ecstasy. The Captain knew who and what he was, yet could do nothing but rage impotently.

[AdventWings]

Hi, Sid. Welcome to Althanas, by the way, and I extend the greeting of the Staff to you as well.

I see a lot of potential in your writing, so here are a few pointers that may help you improve upon for your future role-playing.

Story

Continuity - 4/10

The "Continuity" category basically deals with how the story that happened here played out in respect to your overall character story. Even in random "Open" threads, the writer should know what the character was to get out from the situation in the end that will either continue to affect their character's history or to remedy (or worsen) the past doings that were done.

Seeing that this is pretty much Sid's first adventure, I guess there was nothing much to talk about as how he came to be, but not including why and where Sid came from to be on Scara Brae left me with a confused sensation about the character's tie-in to the whole ordeal. Was he out to "steal" the Scara Scimitar of Supremacy or was he merely in this for the money? That is something you need to establish and play out during the entire course of the story.

From what I've garnered from the entire story here, Sid basically tricked Vobar into being the scapegoat for the ransom while the mastermind walkede away with new respect. Still... why did Sid need the money? It could be as simple as "because he wanted some money to buy himself drinks" or something else as inane as my example. However, the purpose was never established and it left me, as a reader, wondering why.

Setting - 5/10

Setting is, in a nut shell, not just how you describe your surrounding. It is also ways that you sensed and interacted with your surrounding that makes the reading experience unique and interesting.

The overall flavor I got while reading this was a fine border between bland and tasty when it comes to the Setting category. You had your main character (Sid) and the NPCs do many things and interacting well with their surrounding, such as smelling the cinnamon pastries and the firewood, but that was pretty much what stuck as the rest were merely "descriptions." You could use a bit more consistency with regards to noting your surrounding, but you need not throw the reader into Sensory Overload by describing all the senses at once. A bit of noise here, the shifting gravel there and so forth can really bring out the Setting as more than mere a canvas. It is a world that is full of sights and sounds, textures and smells as well as the occasional taste of the local delicacies or merely the dry, bitter flavor of dust in your mouth. Do wild, but do be mindful of the readers as well. ;)

Pacing - 4/10

Pacing is basically how the story flowed from start to finish. It is also the how in a story - How one action led to another and How the story moved around from one event to another.

The Pacing through the overall story was a tad skiddish, jumping here and there from Sid to Vobar and then to the Baron's Estate and his worrisome pacing. I felt the story that transpired was somewhat wanting in the build-up of tension as well as intrigue - the standoff between Vobar and Sir Gregor could have lasted for a few more OOC seconds, playing around with the thoughts of each a bit before having his head roll on the floor. I must admit, tension was barely felt through the entire story.

To sum up what I meant... This story was short, quick and rather plain. It was like a simple ransom kidnap that went exactly according to plan. A story with such little conflict, as well as being very short in terms of IC intervention, left me wishing there was more to the story than meets the eye.

Character

Dialogue - 7/10

Dialogue basically concerned whether or not the words in each characters' mouth corresponded to their being and their temperament. This category also includes internal dialogues and monologues that the characters may have.

Your choices of words for Sid, Vobar and everyone else in this story was quite befitting of their characters as far as I can tell. Not knowing what kind of personality Sid had did give me some thinking to figure out, but the way he carried himself and his interaction through the overall story told me he was a very crafty and sweet-talking person. Vobar sounded just like the generic muscled powerhouse for hire but you pulled it off nicely. The words between the Baron and the Knights of Scara Brae were a tad generic which you can work on for your future role-playing. :)

Action - 6/10

Action is the way how your characters act and react to the different circumstances they were faced with which all depends on their motives, upbringings or merely experience. That is what will decide their involvements in the situation at hand.

You did a pretty good job with presenting the actions of each characters well, though a few things here and there could be done somewhat differently to better fit the personalities and character (as a person). Of course, that is for you to decide and present to the readers.

Personality - 6/10

This catergory deals mainly with how well the characters' personalities are presented in the story and how well they evolve or change over time. Consistency is also taken into consideration though that can always be moved aside for change. With IC reasons, of course.This should also influence the other two categories mentioned above - Dialogue and Action - though sometimes people tend to not associate this with the two that deeply.

The majority of your NPCs as well as your main character all had somewhat of a generic personality but you managed to add tidbits that made each and every one of them unique. Whether it was the way they carried themselves, how they interacted with other and with your main character as well as how they reacted to different situations "thrown" their way.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 6/10

Mechanics is about the way you put words together - Is it arranged in correct English grammar? Are the ts crossed and the is dotted? Well, since this is typing, you won't have to worry about two. What you need to worry on is the way you put words and sentences together to make an enjoyable story.

From what I have read, you don't have much to worry with regards to basic English grammar. I [i]did see a few minor spelling errors here and there, such as where he peak inside a room. Peak is "the crest or the highest point of a mountain." I believe the word you were looking for was to peek which would well describe his action there at the "Room of Torture" a.k.a. the Library.

Even through they are merely minor spelling errors and run-on sentences, instances such as these can really trip up an otherwise enjoyable read. Care should be taken in reading through the post and make sure that even you won't feel irked by your own post.

Technique - 5/10

Technique is what we call "The Use of Literary Machines" in the story-telling format. Alliteration, Fore-shadow, Simile, Metaphor and the likes are what add spice and flavor to stories and keep the readers wanting more.

I don't see many literary devices used, but there were quite a few here that will fall comfortably in the "Personification" category. Using these devices are not the entire story, however, as the placing of such devices is also potential to adding life to your story. This is one area that you can improve on, which I am not uncertain that you would not have much trouble in.

Clarity - 6/10

Clarity deals with how easy it is to follow the story and how well you can convey your thoughts to the readers. Do the actions and reactions to the situations make sense? Is it clear what was being done or how you used ambiguity to add spice to the literature piece? That is answered here in this category.

I can pretty much follow everything that happened here from start to finish, asides from the occasional run-on that made me wonder if you had started a new mention or was still on the same train of thought. Not much to work on, as the story is fairly coherent as it is, but do remember to fix those glitches for your next literary pieces.

Wild Card

Wild Card - 7/10

The Wild Card category is basically... Well, a Wild Card. This is where the judges as myself can add their insights and intrigue about your story and give you some feedback on how your written pieces show us a few things we are impressed with.

As for you, I sense great potential coming from you as a writer. Your story idea, as seen in this one, may not be as refined and original though you do have a way of making it more than just a retelling of other tales from the ancient pages of the world's literatures.

Well, the part where you introduced Nightshade into Vobar's drink was somewhat of a shock to me, even as a reader. Where you had obtained the poison was not explained and could cause some confusion, especially if this was done with multiple parties involved. Please take care that anything you use in the role-playinf has a clear (or at least an origin) background of where you obtained it.

Total Score - 56!

Sid receives 550 EXP and 200 GP for the safe return of Baron Valeena's daughter.

Do not be despair by the low score. Truth be told, my very first multi-user quest got only a 55 out of 100. :D Good luck and have fun!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added! Good job, Sid!