Drones

[Djakara]

(solo)

We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.

- Charles Bukowski

[Djakara]

When Geneva told me that I had to go, at first I swore that she was joking. Acutally, I hoped she was joking. Whatever it was, I didn’t want it to be true. In the Republic, I never had a girlfriend. It wasn’t because I was unattractive or because I was particularly bookish or nerdy, but because when survival was at stake every day of your life, it was hard to have a normal childhood. Geneva had been exactly what I had come to Althanas for, the reason I had given up all the technology my home planet had; a chance to live a normal teenage life.

However, that was something that she wanted to deny me, for whatever reason. Still, I didn’t regret meeting her. She was infatuated with me, I knew that much, and I was infatuated with her. However, since I was no longer welcome in the Peaceful Promenade, at least for the time being, I took the gift she had given me and left. It had been a mystery egg, and while I was tempted to abandon the damn thing, I knew better. Thus I wrapped it up safely in my survival gear, using my extra clothes to keep it warm.

Not knowing where to go, I had initially headed to Scara Brae. It seemed like the appropriate place for a young adventurer, even a young adventurer who only sought the adventure of his first girlfriend. However, when I found that their airships paled in comparison to the technology of Alerar, I took the first opportunity I could to visit the dark elven country. It had taken me a bit of time to scrounge up the air fare, but even then, the costs were not prohibitive because I had a bit of ingenuity.

However, the moment I stepped off the airship and appeared in Alerar, I began to regret my decision. I wasn’t sure how to explain it, but there was just something that was completely and utterly unsettling about the place. The first thing was I was told that I couldn’t carry my spear-scythe around without a proper permit. That shocked me. Everyone I had met in both Scara Brae and Underwood walked around like they were some kind of fucking tank.

I tried to be polite about it, even though I thought the idea was utterly ludicrous. I told them I was a businessman, and that I came with important business. It was true enough, the business was important to me. However, the guard was unimpressed with that story. He thought that businessmen didn’t really need to have their weapons. I pointed out that we had so much money that we certainly needed to carry something around with us for protection.

When I mentioned the wealth I allegedly had, the guard smiled. I knew exactly what he wanted. Fifteen minutes later, I had my permit, and it had only cost me a fairly exorbitant bribe. Granted, I now lacked a single penny to my name, but the dark elven continent seemed brimming with opportunity.

With that, I welcomed myself to Alerar.

[Djakara]

Getting to Ettermire wasn’t the hard part, though I had to endure a good number of stares the whole journey there. It had been a relatively relaxing journey and I had managed to even make money in the process. I had managed to find myself a job aboard one of their primitive monorails, a system they called the steam engine. All my job required of me was that I serve drinks to the passengers, and that was hardly a task at all. In fact, I had treated it like an opportunity. My time in the Peaceful Promenade had taught me that Althanians had particularly loose lips when they were drunk, and these people were no exceptions. Just by traveling from the airship port to Alerar’s capital, I had discovered that there had recently been a new leader installed on the throne. The Queen was assassinated, and there was a new King.

I was particularly pleased to learn about the fact that the King seemed to be on rocky ground when it came to his legitimacy. These Drow seemed to be a particularly suspicious people, and many of them thought that their Queen had been killed by someone in or close to the royal family itself. I found that story fairly hard to believe, even after I heard of all the supposed technologically advanced protection equipment she had at her disposal.

To me, it seemed particularly unlikely that anyone would want the pressure of being king when they could enjoy all the luxuries of being a prince without any of the costs. Kings had to always worry about someone killing them, or even worse, someone attacking their regime. Just by listening to the people in the tavern, I could tell that the new King was on shaky ground already. It wasn’t just the conspiracy nuts who were talking about these things, though there were enough of those to even make me wonder. Seemingly normal, everyday people muttered things under hushed breath about how they didn’t like how prices had shot up in ales and gunpowder. I was careful not to sympathize with these thoughts. I was a stranger, and if Alerar ran the same way that the Republic did, speaking against a weak government in power was tantamount to suicide if you didn’t have the physical force behind you.

Thus, when the train reached Ettermire, I had not only made back the money I had lost spending it on bribes, but I had gained some important and useful information. I resolved then and there, before I went into the businesses of research and export, I would start with the business of ingratiating myself to the King.

[Djakara]

Ettermire was certainly a busy place, and everyone continued to eye me suspiciously. I wondered if my complexion had anything to do with it. Despite the fact I never really had much opportunity in the sun, I was darker than most of the people I had met in Corone. Perhaps these elves saw me as the drow equivalent of a human, or they could somehow sense my elven heritage and wonder if I wasn’t some bastardized version of them. Or maybe I had just overanalyzed the situation and they were staring at me because I seemed weird. All of that seemed plausible.

Whatever their reasons, I was mostly left alone as I made my way to the local station of the Mazzra. The Mazzra, as I had been able to gather on the train ride, were the local army and police. That was already a bad sign for liberty. Any time that the duties of the army and the police were conflated, that meant that the citizens of a country were seen as no different than the outsiders. I was a bit shocked by this, just because of how different it was than Corone.

For a few moments, I wondered if technology had this kind of an effect on liberty. Did technology make people too fat, or too complacent? Did people just stop caring about their rights as long as they got electric heaters and trains that ran on time? I didn’t really have the answer, but to be honest, the thought had soured me a bit on technology. I had come to Althanas to live bravely, not to cower. There was a portal in Concordia I could go back through if I was willing to settle for life in Alerar.

Though I dismissed the idea almost as soon as it came into my head, I wondered about staging an insurrection of my own. The King was certainly not popular enough I had much to worry about from his own supporters. However, I realized just how dangerous that made insurrection. The King was probably like a wounded animal, looking for any opportunity he could get. In a place that was suspicious and paranoid, I had to stay on the side of the state. If left to the “people” I would certainly be dead. I didn’t like the way any of them looked at me. About this time, I was very glad that I had taken the time to bribe the customs official into letting to keep my weapon.

As fate would have it, they wanted me to check my weapon at the door of the Mazzra station. I refused, pointing out that I had received a permit. The drow standing guard was particularly unsympathetic. He was burly and muscular and not exactly the kind of person that I would want to get into a fight with. However, he also seemed like the kind of person who would be easy for me to outsmart.

“I’ve come to join your group,” I said. I figured I could make good on my complexion to fool him. “I’m a half-breed of your kind. My mother was kidnapped from her tribe when she was but fourteen, and forced into slavery in Raiaera. She was then raped by visiting humans. I want to join the Mazzra to get revenge.”

The guard looked so morally outraged he let me on in without saying another word. I smirked the moment he turned his back on me.

[Djakara]

By the time I had reached the Mazzra station, I had worked out the lie that would get me to see the higher ups that I needed. It was obvious that the murder of the Queen was an inside job. Probably not at the level of the King, but high enough that getting an ally in that person would be something helpful to me. However, what I had not counted on was the complete and utter chaos in the station. Soldiers were venting, papers were strewn everywhere, the few conscientious workers seemed unsure as to whether or not they should be consoling their grief stricken comrades or tending to the day’s business. None of them paid me any mind.

I managed to get into the office of the chief of the station to find that I had picked a particularly good place to sneak into. As fortune would have it, this man was in charge of screening for castle guards. There were enough memos on his desk that indicated a supreme need for new ones, as they had fired all the old guards as a precautionary measure. All I needed to do was make out the necessary paperwork, and I Djakara Fraye could be made not only a member of the Mazzra, but a trusted guardian of the country’s most precious resource.

My luck was excellent. It was not only a great opportunity to get close to the people I needed to get close to, but I would also have an opportunity to see all this great dark elven technology first hand.

I began to fill in the paper. I put in my real name, figuring that I had enough on my mind already without having to memorize an alias. However, I put half drow half human as my race, not just because it was easier than explaining where I really came from, but because I figured it would open up some opportunities for me here in Alerar. I filled in my previous service with a number of awards, including the Medal of Trestoria. I didn’t know how prestigious the Medal of Trestoria was, but the station commander had one proudly displayed, so I figured it would be prestigious enough for me to get a job working as a palace guard. I had gotten through the whole thing when I reached the point where I had to sign.

At first I was nervous. I didn’t know how well I could forge the signature of the drow who ran the place. There were enough of his papers cluttered around that it wasn’t too hard to find something with his signature, and eventually I opted to trace it. It wasn’t exact, but it was close enough. Second, there was the issue of my start date. My first impulse said that I should have claimed to start that day, but I changed my mind. I went back to my service record to add that I should have been beyond reproach with regards to the Queen, because I was sick during the week of her murder. Then I dated the paper so it seemed that I had been at work at the palace for one year.

As the form instructed, I made a second copy for the official records and placed it in the appropriate filing cabinet. I then left with my orders and a wide smile on my face. Everything was going perfectly at this point, especially for a stranger in a strange land.

[Djakara]

Alerar’s society began to make a bit more sense to me as I reached the palace. Valshath d’Isto was certainly an awesome sight, but the kind of site that was meant to inspire fear more than national pride. That made sense for a kingdom. Kingdoms were really nothing more than the most elite of aristocracies, governments by the few. The genius in plebiscite rule was not as much that the people were genius, but because the people thought they were. Democracy was the universe’s biggest circle jerk, and I was probably one of the few people in the world that understood that.

However, a Kingdom’s biggest strength was its biggest weakness. Fear. A king was only as strong as he was feared, and so a king could never justify his power through the shared bonds of kinship. A country ruled by a king might identify themselves differently from the others, but ultimately, the people were oppressed. They wouldn’t fight for the king, they would acquiesce into joining his army. If a king was going to succeed, he needed to engender that kind of acquiescence in his subjects.

Valshath d’Isto was precisely the kind of place a king would want if he wanted to create fear. While chaos reigned at the police stations, the guards that monitored the palace gates were career men. To get by them I needed to show them my papers. Fortunately, the ink had dried on my walk over, though I suppose I should have done a better job thinking that through. They were fairly rough with me, though not unnecessarily so when they interrogated me about everything on the paper.

I couldn’t blame them. I had lied about my time spent as a guard so I could still plausibly claim that I had witnessed the murder. However, I should have realized that a half drow would have stood out more. One of the gatekeepers, and older, wizened drow was particularly suspicious.

“How come I’ve never seen you… kitrye rivvil,” the drow demanded.

Luckily, I was able to think quickly on my feet. “I work the day shift mostly… the light doesn’t bother me the way it does you…” It was only now I realized that my lack of knowledge of the dark elven language was a weakness. It seemed they were speaking to me in the common tongue out of courtesy, or perhaps because they doubted the veracity of my claims. Either way, I doubted I could survive on common for much longer. It had been hard enough on the train.

The elder drow nodded, satisfied with my answer. “And you’re working now because we’re short men,” he said with a smile. “Well done, especially an hour after the day shift ended. Bwael xund dalharuk, dos orn xund uchado ula.”

I didn’t understand a word of the last sentence, but I didn’t care. I had made it inside the palace.

[Djakara]

Once I reached the palace doors, I was told that I had been reassigned. I’m not sure why I was told I was reassigned, seeing as I had actually never held an assignment and my papers offered no specifics on where in the palace I was to serve. It was better not to argue, and so I took my ‘reassignment’ without a single complaint. In fact, I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity.

I was stationed on the ground floor, asked to do rounds and to kill any person who looked suspicious if they gave me any trouble. It was an easy enough assignment, and I was given a repeating crossbow with which to accomplish it. However, what made me particularly pleased was the fact that I must have been assigned to the only other member of the Mazzra palace guard that was not a dark elf. My fellow soldier was a feline, which intuitively struck me as odd in a country of dark elves, but I still did not complain. Maybe it was the way hospitality worked among the palace guards, they paired the weird ones together.

To an extent, I supposed it was progressive to even have non-dark elven guards, but I realized that it really wasn’t. When a king ruled by fear, it hardly mattered. Fear was the same, regardless of race or creed. It was just more evidence that I had thought out the perfect plan.

However, even though I could have put my plan into execution that minute, I decided that I would wait. It had initially been my intention to claim almost immediately that I had seen who had killed the Queen. I knew that if I were to do so, but not reveal my source, I would undoubtedly end up with the person who had done the deed. They wouldn’t want me getting to anyone higher up than they, but at the same time they wouldn’t want to risk me revealing my source. I just hoped they weren’t high up enough that they would take one look at my phony identification papers and know that I didn’t technically belong.

With a feline as my partner, I figured I shouldn’t be hasty. I really didn’t know enough to get by yet in Alerar, so I should learn what I could while I could. Only now, as I walked through this awesomely frightening palace, did I realize just how risky my entire plan was. I had been so pleased with the way I had fooled a few dumber guards and how a few chance happenings had fallen right into my lap, that I hadn’t really considered the possibilities of failure. Now, they were staring me in the face and I knew I was going to have to be clever if I hoped to avoid them.

Thus, I walked the rounds with my feline partner until it was time for our lunch break. Then, when we had a bit of free time, I would learn what I needed to survive.

[Djakara]

Lunch was not a particularly elaborate affair for the guards at Valshath d’Isto. There wasn’t really anywhere they could go other than their stations, especially since most of the lower floor of the palace reeked of sulphur and other heavy burnt metals. It was becoming a recurring theme in Alerar, but I got no impression that anyone in the whole planet had even the vaguest concept of what pollution was. I imagined that if my papers not been forged, I would have easily burned a hole in my lungs from hanging around this place so long.

Thus, me and the cat man sat down, about right where we had started our rounds that day when it was time for our break. I was starving, but I had made no plans for lunch. Perhaps more out of a sense of propriety than out of any genuine feeling, the feline offered me a bit of his meal. I declined, figuring I didn’t want to get him irritated with me.

I let him get a few bites in before I began to talk to him. “So,” I asked. “How long’ve you been here…”

“Six weeks meow,” the feline replied with his mouth full. “Was kind of surprised when I got it though…”

“Really?” I asked. The gears in my mind began to churn. Here was the only person in the entire palace guard who wasn’t a dark elf, and they had only started recently. The fact that the Queen had also been murdered recently didn’t strike me as a coincidence. “They don’t have many cat people here, eh?”

With a nod, the feline agreed. “Yeah, meow…” he said. “And I thought they would have fired me for good when the murder happened. No, meow, somehow I still keep my job. Even though I was on duty at the time. Didn’t see anything, meow, of course not…”

I tried to conceal the knowing smile that was appearing on my face. This guard was a patsy, plain and simple. “Probably he’s going to get blamed to bring some idea of community among the dark elves,” I figured. The conspiracy theories were beginning to make a bit more sense, even though I still doubted it could be the direct work of the king.

“Meow… I just hope their investigation is over soon…” the feline added, probably feeling awkward that I was silent for so long.

“Yeah,” I replied distractedly, wheels churning in my head. Suddenly, I was no longer nearly as afraid and knew I was going to have to act quickly for success.

A few hours later, while we were doing rounds, I looked up to my partner and mentioned casually that while I wasn’t sure, I thought I might know who had murdered the queen.

[Djakara]

The feline had been quite surprised at my revelation, though he did exactly what I expected to. He let his post immediately and ran to his superior. Soon enough, I was being shunted up the ladder of the Mazzra bureaucracy, which was fortunately all contained within the same palace building. Each time, I would respond the same way when asked to divulge the identity of the murderer. I said that I knew what I saw, but that I couldn’t reveal it for fear of death. I made sure they knew that my killer was powerful, and that I couldn’t say anything until I had reached someone high enough. That way, I got moved from level to level, and I eventually knew that I would run into someone who was responsible.

I didn’t have an explicit plan that would help me reveal who they were. It had been my hope that they would reveal themselves through some action, most likely by trying to kill me. This was where my plan got considerably more risky, but yet I had no choice but to continue on with it. If I didn’t, I would end up dead regardless now. I had spoken up, volunteered. That was the kind of action for which someone always paid.

Plus, I knew that my forgery wouldn’t stand for too long. If not for the general chaos over the queen’s death, it may have not even held up as long as it had already.

However, the moment I reached Schynius, I knew he was responsible, or at least somehow tied in. He seemed to me to be too much of a technocrat to be involved in security, at least as far as his job title went. He was called the High Graf, a name that suggested he should have had interests that were more related to restoring function to the government than catching down criminals.

Once I entered his office, my suspicions were confirmed. He had his hand underneath the table, as if concealing a cho kho no or other projectile weapon. I smiled politely and bowed, figuring that since he didn’t already have me killed, he was going to test to see what I knew first. However, I was wrong.

“I have never seen you around here,” Schynius said. “If you know who was responsible for the murder, it must have been a deductive process…”

I smirked. This man was cleverer than I thought. He was definitely the murderer. “If I can figure it out, so can others,” I warned. “And you wouldn’t want the masses to know…”

Schynius brought his hand up above his desk, revealing the crossbow. “The masses know what they’re told and nothing else…” He leered arrogantly, as if he knew well enough that I was powerless against him.

Though it seemed like my death was imminent, I had to respect this High Graf. He had been the first person I had met in Alerar who seemed to think before reacting. However, the situation was not as dire as I expected. Emotion was starting to cloud my judgment, and had I anticipated that the murderer would have been able to act more clearly. The fact remained though, that I had never imagined anyone quite like Schynius. As I watched his hands, I hoped that wouldn’t be my downfall.

[Djakara]

There were a few moments of uneasy silence before Schynius spoke. I was fearing for my life, my palms sweaty and eyes as wide as saucers. Had I been able to look at myself, I would have been completely disgusted with how pathetic I looked in that situation.

“Don’t worry,” Schynius finally said. His voice was not one of mercy, but cold and calculating. “You are unable to hurt me, and I have little reason to hurt you. However, I am impressed. I have had my spies piece together what you have done, and it appears you only arrived here from Scara Brae less than twenty four hours ago. Any plan of yours that has gotten you the Queen’s murderer with a threat that would have worked sufficiently on a lesser man is commendable, especially given that time frame…”

I nodded appreciatively, though I was still quite insecure about the whole thing. I was still at the mercy of this High Graf, and he hadn’t put his weapon away. I took a deep breath, and tried to smile, but all I could manage was a weak, “thank you sir.”

Schynius nodded, as if to accept my thanks as a matter of course. “Now,” he said. “You have to tell me what you wanted to get from me. You’re smart enough to know you weren’t going to be able to get past me by the route you were taking, so you most likely wanted a deal.”

My eyes were practically bugging out of my skull now. “A deal?” I thought. “The hell! I come in here everything goes wrong and now he wants to know what I wanted?” I wondered what I should say. Schynius’ intellect had intimidated me beyond the point where I felt that I could lie to him and get away with it.

“I- I- I wanted a job,” I said. “I want profit. That’s why I came to Alerar. I figured knowing your secret, I could get somewhere faster here.”

Schynius nodded. “You managed to become a palace guard already…” he said, as if to dismiss my claim that’s all I wanted.

This stirred up a bit of courage in me. I couldn’t imagine that he could really consider that the kind of job I was interested in. Perhaps he didn’t know me as well as he thought he did. “I don’t want that kind of job. That’s a job for the drones, the people who run through their life completely unconscious of the chains on them. The people who get angry, the people who follow in revolutions, the people who end up dead. Those are the kinds of people you want as palace guards… they are utterly replaceable…”

This comment seemed to interest Schynius. “And you are…” he asked. It seemed my future hinged on the answer to this question.

[Djakara]

It didn’t take me much effort to answer this question. It was the first time I had spoke with some degree of courage in my system. “I’m a person like you,” I replied. “The kind of people who know how the world works. We see past the lies of others and write lies of our own. We start the wars but never get hurt, we assassinate rulers when we feel it is to our advantage. We fight amongst each other through proxy for profit and control… ultimately though, we never reach the top.”

“Why not…” Schynius asked, as if somehow bemused.

“We are too smart to know the drones,” I retorted with a grin.

Schynius nodded. “Figureheads…” he said. “But regardless, you need not worry about Alerar’s stability.”

I shook my head. “I really should,” I said, now conscious I had thought of something that Schynius hadn’t. “Because you can’t start a war…”

Schynius looked at me with surprise. “Why not?” he asked.

“Because the people don’t love you, or your king. They would have died for the queen, but you’re just a stop gap solution. A High Graf who will come and go with the ages for them. You or another oppressor means little, national security is not something that will particularly appeal to people if you present it. The fact is, no one actually wants to be ruled by you,” I replied.

Schynius nodded. I could tell that this had been something he was fearing. “And you have a solution.”

I smiled, as if I was offering a particularly impressive gift. “Civil war.”

Schynius grinned appreciatively, as if it was something he had already thought of and had come up with the same answer. “Most impressive,” he said. “You will fit in well here then. And you will not be a drone. From now on, your title is Freiherr, and I will put you in charge of some of the state munitions factories. I need someone clever there more than I need someone trustworthy…”

I thanked Schynius, fully aware of the subtext of our conversation. I could come in handy to him, but not trusted. That was fine, however. Schynius seemed like the kind of person for whom it was more useful to be needed than to be trusted.

[Djakara]

A few nights later after I had settled down in a place not too far from the palace, I sat out of my balcony, and watched warily as I watched the merchants in the Alerar bazaar. The economy had been shaky ever since the queen had died, and that was why it was fortunate I had been put in charge of dealing in weapons. Not only would the blue prints fetch a pretty penny in Corone once I was done here, but Schynius may have placed me in the one industry that was always dependable, even during a crisis. To that, I smirked, and casually drank my tea.

As I looked on, I couldn’t help but wonder about what the future held for me. I had come to Alerar with nothing. Now I had a place of my own and the chances for a good amount of riches, but I was still living on a pinhead. To that extent, I was not unlike the great palace of Alerar, a dark jewel that had appeared on the landscape without any real consideration for its effects. As it spewed out its filth into the night, I could only sip my tea sympathetically, wondering what behaviors of mine would have the same effect on Alerar.

I didn’t know, but at that moment, I tried not to care. The world was full of drones, people whose lives would be meaningless but to the people who knew them personally, people who were just as pathetic as they. I couldn’t be concerned with their problems, I had enough of my own. Everything I had built had come from thinking two steps ahead of everyone else, and in Schynius I had finally met someone who was my match mentally. For once, I was going to have to be concerned about where he was leading me, whether or not I was being the drone.

The irony was I had gotten everything I’d wanted, and yet I was less free than any other time since I came to Althanas. As I finished my cup of tea, I took one last look at the pollution from Valshath d’Isto and imagined my life as a wisp of smoke, rising up from the palace before dissipating off into the night.

(Spoils- Title of Freiherr)

[Lucien]

~Drones~
Well Djakara, since it's alright with you and you've been around the Althanas judging block before, I'll put most of the information up here that needs saying.

First off, I felt like this quest went by a bit too quickly, and I think that's my biggest complaint with it. Schynius even mentions that the entire thing only happened in the span of 24 hours. I'm not sure how logical that is; but logic aside, it still felt rushed. I could tell you wanted to get that spoil in the end, so I can understand why you wouldn't slow it down a little. But if you read it over a little, I think you'd see what I'm talking about. Secondly, you had the habit of repeating things sometimes, which seriously threw off the flow of the thread. Nothing too big, but it was just certain words or ideas you repeated in paragraphs that were just a space apart. I think this more has to do with using the first person style, which I'm not too use to reading; but I suppose that your character's perspective can be a confusing place to stand and look from, anyone character's could be hard to look from.

On to judging, where I'll make a few more points.


STORY

~Continuity - 7/10
I think you did well here in connecting your overall storyline and this thread together. I didn't feel the need to read your other quests to get a sense where Djakara was coming from. This score could've improved a bit if you'd talked a little bit more about the pre-Scara Brae stage of Djaraka's life; but I don't think it's that much of a difference.

~Setting - 7/10
At times there was detail about your surroundings, other times there was only a general feel; altogether I thought you did pretty well in capturing Ettermire and Alerar in general, even if it did seen a bit modern at times.

~Pacing - 6/10
Not your strongest point. As I said earlier; reading this thread over just went by too quickly and events just happened too fast. Like the conversation with the Cat-guard, he seemed to only be there for a quick bite before ratting you out. I think talking about the questioning process in the palace in a bit more depth could've slowed the overall feel for the thread, allowing readers to catch up with the fast paced action.

CHARACTER

~Dialogue - 8/10
I really like your dialogue. Not just the spoken stuff, since with first person it's all basically dialogue and character thought. Even your out of place on Althanas metaphors can be explained by Djakara's background. I have to say this really got me interested in your character.

~Action - 6/10
With the pacing, the action moved by quickly; yet there was always that feeling in the back of my mind that something could happen to Djakara at any moment. He was deep within his little web of lies in the middle of a palace filled with nervous and grieving guards that could gut him like a fish at any moment. I feel that the moment with Schynius wasn't as tense as it could've been, and that hurt you a little here. Despite the game of mind chess, adding a few moment when the Graf inched his finger along the crossbow's trigger would've added to some suspense.

~Persona - 8/10
I've always known that first person style is a great window to persona. I felt I knew Djarkara, and while at times his actions seemed a bit odd to me (Unintentional or intentional, I don't know) I simply loved the character. Schynius came off just how I imagined him, and I know that's what you were shooting for.

WRITING STYLE

~Technique - 8/10
I loved the imagery that you threw in, not just in the writing; you had some in the dialogue itself. The final scene on Djakara's balcony was pretty fucking sweet, and I'm interested in reading more of your writing now.

~Mechanics - 9/10
Despite the mistake of repeating yourself a little, your grasp of the English language is enough to score you a nine here.

~Clarity - 7/10
I was confused a few times while reading this; I can't just chock it up to lack of sleep. It took me three reads when Djakara was in the office to realize there wasn't anybody at the desk he was forging at. Maybe it's my mistake, but it threw me off for a moment.

MISC

~Wild Card - 7/10
I liked it a lot, but I know you could've done better. I'd have given you a few more points here, but your cat person pissed me off by reminding me of that Thunder cats thing.

`Total`
Score: 73

EXP:
Djakara gains 2,800 EXP.

Spoils:
Djakara gains the noble title of Freiherr from Schynius and the crown of Alerar. Though not incredibly high up on the food chain, it's no civil servant or petty award either. You also gain a small flat in Ettermire that goes along with your title, as well as other small amenities that travel with your noble name.

Feel free to PM or IM me with any questions or insults.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!