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View Full Version : Another Target... ([{Solo Quest}])



Twylyght
01-09-07, 08:11 AM
Dethel exhaled in a quiet sigh as he walked into the dark door, at the end of an alley. This was the home of Jadius, a dealer of less appreciated things. Glancing at all the exquisite weapons of torture, and the rack of strong ale, Dethel made his way in a cocky saunter over to the counter. "So... Eten told me someone uh, forgot to pay? Shall I go remind them?" Dethel said in a somewhat bored tone.

He found that the easiest way of coping with his somewhat insane job was to always act bored and detached, never involve yourself with anything. Jadius nodded, and ducked down under the desk. Dethel made another quick glance around the room, his blue eyes observing everything, his tall figure nearly touching the low roof. Jadius popped back up, saying, "Eten has been good about delivering my message... Maybe you'll give some of this to him next time he comes around." He plopped a small bag of coins on the table.

It wasn't very large, but was obviously packed with coins. Not many, so Dethel assumed this man was probably not that important. "Yea... Some guy came in here, took a bottle, and tried to walk out while I was talking to someone else. I ran out to the street, but he was already gone. He's come here before, he payed that time, but now I guess his luck has run out. Name is Deln, bald head, little shorter than you, pretty muscular and very dark skinned.

From my various... Friends... I know I'll be at the Zirnden tonight a while before sunset, observing and maybe stopping at the bar. Think you can handle it? It'll be pretty crowded..." Jadius asked, his eyes glinting on the last phrase. "Crowded... A lot of people will see me. Might you have any sort of balaclava? It'd be a good idea to cover my face." Dethel asked in a voice that sounded less than interested. Jadius smiled. "Yes, yes of course. However, it'll come out of your pay..." Dethel nodded that he understood, and he watched as Jadius opened up the coin pouch.

Dethel ran a hand through his short brown hair, itching his scalp a little, and watched as the dealer took a few gold coins out of the pouch, and placed them on the table. Then, Jadius turned to go in his back room. Although it may not have appeared so, Dethel had easily seen that Jadius had counted the coins, even though to a common gazer it looked like he had just take a few out. Not that there were any common gazers here, in this less than legal place. Dethel knew better than to take coins, as he knew Jadius would be able to tell immediately.

He took a step backed a leaned back a little, blinking in thought. Crowded could be easy, or it could be hard. If no one noticed the wound, most would figure he had passed out, and Dethel could escape. If someone saw the sword, then they'd figure it out, and Dethel would be put on the hotspot. Oh well, Dethel thought, I'll play it as I go along... By this time Jadius had returned, a black cloth in his hand. Dethel took the cloth and put it over. It covered all his neck and head, except for two holes for his eyes.

The cloth was thinner right in front of the nose and mouth, and he could breathe without difficulty. Taking it back off, he agreed to the job, and walked out, his solemn face having not changed since walking in. He had learned to be emotionless in front of people such as Jadius, his employers. He walked back to his house, as it was still early in the day, and made the trip quickly, his long legs finding no strain in the journey. As he entered his house, he walked over to his bed, and took a short nap. As he woke, he quickly calculated the time by the amount of sunshine in his room.

It was getting into the afternoon, and he should probably be on his way to the Zirnden. He got off the bed, as he had not pulled the covers over him, and put his leather jerkin on. It fit well, and offered a little meager protection. Stuffing the balaclava into his pants pocket, he walked into the main room of his small house, and looked around, checking it for abnormality. In a dark business such as his, you couldn't know who would be breaking an entrance into your house. His house was to his satisfaction, so he grabbed his katana, and placed it into its sheath.

To any normal person, he looked like a man either going hunting or going to fight in the zirnden. Making the trip towards the arena, he observed the dusty street and town. It wasn't cheery, but it wasn't depressing either. A few merchants had their wares out lined up along the small street. It was a simply dirt road, with many wagon wheel ruts forming a sort of track in the middle of the street. There were many small houses like Dethel's on the sides, and for a second Dethel wondered how he differentiated his house from others.

The thought left his mind as he got closer to the arena, the yells already faintly caressing his ear drum. He speeded up his pace, the sun still on his back, and felt a single drop of sweat come down the side of his face. He wasn't really nervous, just hot. He didn't take long to get to the zirnden, and once he arrived the less dusty air greeted his nose. Breathing in, he entered into the main hall, floored with a simple grey tile, walled with basic red brick. He walked down the hall slightly, and turned into a room with a plate above it labeled, "Taverr." The last part of the n had been rubbed off, but based on the large amount of people in the room, Dethel doubted that anyone got confused.

The room was the same basic construction of the first, with a few tables, and a large counter with chairs in front of it. Behind it, multiple bartenders were taking drink orders. Walking over, he motioned for a worker, and asked for a glass of something strong. He didn't really care what he drank anyways, but making it seem that way to a bartender made it sound like he was depressed, and was here to fight in the zirnden to unleash some anger. That wasn't at all true, but Dethel had learned that a mixture of truth and lies didn't work as well as complete lies.

That way, you could always weasel your way out of things. As the bartender adhered to Dethel's request, he looked around the room, but everyone appeared to have hair here. As the slim man returned with a mug, he took it graciously and drank it down. He wasn't a very strong drinker, but he could definitely hold his alcohol. He took it down without a cough, and continued looking around for his target. As he finished the drink, he payed and left the bar, moving into the arena area. There was a lowered sand area in the center of the circular room for fighting, and then higher above there was an observing area with an iron fence surrounding the ring.

Dethel took his place at a spot by the fence, and looked down to the fight. It was one against two, apparently the one man's partner had fallen... Atleast that's what Dethel guessed by the bloody lump in the sand farther away. His mind was captured by the fight for a minute or two, the one man was more skilled than the other two, but in this group battle that didn't matter much. He let go of the railing and began circling around the hot and musty area. There was a grey tile area for standing, and then what looked to be red sandstone rows rising up towards the back for sitting.

He scanned the rows and the ring while he walked around, and it didn't take long for him to find his target. It was surely him, just as Jadius describe. Four men were around him, and Dethel walked up. Swiftly ripping out his balaclava and putting it on, and snatched out his sword, and had it around the man's neck in a second. Bringing it across his neck deftly, he replaced his sword into his sheath, and ripped a pendant that he wore on his neck as he fell back. The four men turned at the thump, and looked at the body. "B-Boss?" one of them asked confusedly.

Oh. Shit. Dethel thought as the gaurds turned towards him, shortswords drawn. One sliced at his flank, but Dethel stepped back, and the edge barely graized the leather, making no impression. Swinging his sword around to parry one's, he made a long diagonal cut along one man's chest, and he stumbled back a step against the railing from the sudden pain. Needing no further cue, Dethel jumped to his side, as he was the right most gaurd, and swiftly pushed the man over the fence, as it was not a very high one.

The other three all attacked at once, and Dethel's side step only dodged two. The third attack hit him lightly in his arm, leaving a small cut. By now a bunch of others had noticed, and were cheering. He could hear some cheering for the "black bringer of death", and others for the gaurds. He didn't let the voices get to his head as he took a deep breath of the musty air. The zirnden had a stone domed roof, and the hole at the top didn't allow much circulation. Jumping backwards onto the first row of red seating, he slashed at one man's sword hand, and the impact made him drop the sword he was holding.

Another slashed at his leg, but on Dethel's backward jump he caught the edge of the 2nd row and feel back. His head slammed on the red sand stone, and he gritted his teeth in pain. Parrying ones man sword, and swinging wildly to push them back a little, he got back up, pain richocheting through his head madly. He had disarmed one and possibly killed another, but he had taken his target's life. He still had the man's pendant as proof, and decided to not sustain further injury.

Sheating his sword he sprinted away from the men, dodging left and right to avoid people. Obviously a few people weren't fond of his attempt to flee, and two others pulled out daggers. Making a quick decision he ran at them and got close to the fence, ready to jump. He jumped onto the flat top of the fence, and grabbed onto a pole sticking higher up. Then, using the pole as leverage, he jumped over the people's heads, and sprinted towards the doorway. He made it to the plain entry hall without much hassle, but he could hear the sound of footsteps behind him.

Sprinting towards the open dooryway, he made it out first. He ran into the street, took a left, and seeing no one behind him, ran down into an alley. There, he took up a position behind a can for garbage, looking for the others. The first two men ran past, and so did the first two gaurds. The third gaurd, however, looked straight at Dethel for a second, and Dethel was sure he was spotted. However, the gaurd moved on, and Dethel let out a sigh of relief. Gaurds were very annoying to Dethel, however stupid.

He got out of his crouch and looked around the alley way. A dirt street surrounded by bricked walls. It was pretty trashy, and there was a fishy, as in fish, smell coming out of the can in front of him. His sword was still sheathed, and he took off his balaclava. Wiping the sweat off his forhead, and letting his hands sit on his waist, he stood for a minute, catching his breath. Then he put away his balaclava, smoothed his hair, and calmly walked out.

He saw no gaurds or angry drunks, and so he calmly made his way towards Jadius's establishment. He still had the pendant in his left hand, despite the blood, and he used the same path to get home as he did leaving. It did not take long, as before, and he sort of enjoyed the slight dusty cover the road gave off, as there was less chance of being recognized. By the time he reached the alleyway the sun was nearly set, and he hurried into the store. He walked up and tossed the pendant to Jadius, who nodded in appreciation.

"Alright then, here's your pay." Jadius said quickly, thrusting the bag forward. "Thanks for telling me about the guards." Dethel said in a sarcastic tone. "Oh, yeah? I forgot to mention them, but when have gaurds stopped you?" Jadius replied in a cheery tone. "When have they not slowed me down, is the question..." Dethel replied quietly as he took the bag, and left the store.

Atzar
01-11-07, 11:03 PM
Ok, first of all, this won't be graded on the rubric due to length. To be judged formally, a quest needs to be either 10 posts or 10,000 words, and this quest meets neither. What I will do, however, is give you a short breakdown on the strengths and weaknesses of this piece.

First of all, your setting is generally well-done. Your entire quest is filled with detail about your surroundings, and it's done in such a way to suggest that what you're writing is what your character is seeing. Good job on that.

On the negative side, the whole thing has just been... done before. You play the cold-blooded assassin on his latest mission. There was nothing that stood out about this piece. Your challenge with this character is going to be making him unique in a world that has many characters like him already.

Things happened way too fast, also. The end, in particular, seemed very rushed - more typos, less attention to detail, and just ended way too quickly. Take your time, break things up, slow things down. See if there's any way you can provide some more substance to the plot, so you can make it a bit longer in the future.

As for grammar and spelling, you did well overall. I caught a few typos - more in the last few paragraphs than anywhere else - but nothing that ripped my attention away from the story.


Anyway, those were the major points that I noticed over my readthrough. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to ask about anything in particular, or if you'd like me to go more in-depth on anything.

Additionally... it wasn't really your fault that you didn't know about the length rule. Therefore, I'm going to give you 50 EXP as a consolation prize for a quest that, had you taken your time with it, would have turned into a very enjoyable read.

Cyrus the virus
01-12-07, 10:28 AM
EXP added!