Visiting Daddykins! (Me and Garthabel only)

[pashad]

Burley Bear sat in a patch of grass, he wrote on in his journal with great speed. Dear Diary, How I long to see my pappy again in all his evil glory. I hope he accepts me as I am, even though he gave me the boot for having a feminine side. Burley Bear became depressed due to his lack of a means to travel into the bowels of hell. Oh Muh Gawd, Diary, I just had a totally kicking idea! You can take me and Quackers to hell! But not Laurance, he's smelly! Mmm Mmm Mmm FABU LOS! LOVE IT!
A large man with a bad mullet and a plaid shirt walked towards him. "Boy, we don't take kindly to yer type in dees parts."
"Woop Woop, Fashion police! Paul Bunyan called and asked for his shirt back, oooo darlin' take that trash back to the she man who barfed it up." Oh I'm so bad.
"My mother made me this shirt....." The man's eyes began to tear up.
"Did your mother also make you that mullet?" Burley bear snapped repeatedly in a "z" fashion.
By this point the man gathered his broken feelings and left.
"Now where was I. MMM yeah, my DI A REE. Good gol E gosh, I best get a manicure 'fore I go back home. These demons can be brutal when it comes to nail hygene. KRAKTOS!" Quackers flew out. "I need a 'manny' stat fluffer cuddly bear."
"Quack"
THREE HOURS LATER

"Giiiirl can you say hot? What hot slice of man taught you how to give a manicure!?"
"Quack"
"Diary, you know the deal, this big hot tamale needs a two way trip to H E dubble hockey sticks." Burley Bear jumped in and landed at the gates of hell.
A large demon guarded the passage. "Do you know who I am!!!!?"
"'Course I do silly willy! It's Burley Bear!"
"Sweet Satan what happened to you? Either way, you cannot pass.
"I'll force my way through then!"
"It takes two to make a thing go right."
"Okey Dokey then biggy slims. GARTHY! I NEED YOUR HELP!!! KRAKTOS!" Garthabel fell from the book.
"We're gonna have to mash this monster, get it!?"

[Garthabel]

"Okaay"

[pashad]

"LETS DO THIS!!!"


I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise


He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash


From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes


They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash


The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son


The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"


They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash


Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"


It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash


Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you


Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash

"Join in Garthy!"

[Garthabel]

"Word."

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise


He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash


From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes


They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash


The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son


The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"


They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash


Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"


It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash


Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you


Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash!

[pashad]

The demon fell to one knee. "Take that you big chunk of man cakes!"
"My powers!!! I'll let you pass if you stop singing!"
"D-E-A-L DEAL!" Burley Bear and Garthabel passed through the gates to hell. After a short walk they came to Satan's throne.
"My son! Leave this place, you are too feminine to enter!"
"DADDY!" Burley Bear ran to embrace his father.
"Fool!" Satan grabbed Burley Bear by the arm and flung him across the room.

[Garthabel]

"Not cool."

[pashad]

Satan stood. "That was cool, liar pants! Either way, to gain my love you must best me in a dance battle. Your friend may join in."

[Garthabel]

"Bring it, son." Garthabel busted like 6 sweet hip hop moves into a hardcore moonwalk and headspin. Burley bears pop music gave him the rythem. Like 4 electric slides later he tired out. "I got one last move...." Garthabel busted a sweet coffee grind with his last energy.

[pashad]

Satan was boiling with rage. "Face my best moves!" Satan put on leather open toed sandals, one rainbow sweatband, and like 3 earings in his right ear. His tanktop read 'beast' and his shorts were above knee. Satan pulled a Roger Rabbit off and acted like he was big poppa cheese crackers.

[Garthabel]

"Weak."

[pashad]

Satan was angered at his defeat, but he took it graciously. "Son, your friend's phat stoopid moves showed me the error of my ways. I'm sorry I kicked you out, will you stay here and rule hell with me?"
"Sorry Papi, I still got work to do!" Burley Bear and Garthabel went through his book
back to the grassy knoll where they began to laze happily.
"Crap I forgot to get the porthole to hell back." Satan snapped his fingers in anger.

[Sighter Tnailog]

Quest Judging
Visiting Daddykins

First off, let me apologize for the reception you have received. Althanas tries its best to be welcoming to new members, and in this case we slipped up. We'll try to do better in the future, if you two will agree to follow some of the suggestions I'm about to give you.

This quest was not good. That does not mean that there weren't parts of it that have potential to help your next quest get better, though! Althanas is all about helping its members grow in their writing; while Althanas is indeed a game, it is a game we players take seriously. We try to play it to the best of our ability, with the knowledge that our ability can always improve. I encourage you to continue posting, provided you keep trying to do better than before.

A word of warning: some people have interpreted this thread as an attempt by you two to pull the wool over Althanas' eyes and make some very bad jokes. Now, I don't know if this is true or not, but failure to at least take my suggestions to heart will convince both me and a lot of people. I wouldn't want that to happen to two people who might prove beneficial to Althanas one day, but I can't stop everything. Althanas moderators have a lot on their plate, and continually having to judge work by writers who refuse to get better is something they will not tolerate for long. Next time, try taking more than 30 minutes to write your quest. You'll get more out of it, people won't be as ticked off, and you'll get MUCH more EXP that way than if you write a ton of very short, very bad threads.

And now, the judging.

STORY

Continuity ~ 1/10. You did try to explain what Burley was doing and why. However, the story didn't do a very good job of explaining who Burley's father was or why he particularly wanted to do anything. Garthabel, too...why was he here again? The story puts him in so quickly and without any explanation.
Setting ~ 0/10. I got absolutely no sense of where this was taking place...it started in a woodland, it seemed, but almost immediately Burley was somplace else and none of that transition was explained. Next time, try describing some of the things your characters see, smell, or touch.
Pacing ~ 1/10. You at least seemed to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. However, it all happened so fast, and without any explanation. Try for longer posts next time! A single word absolutely WILL NOT cut it on Althanas. Try at least for two or three paragraphs of description and dialogue in each post in order to make the story shine.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 1/10. Most of the dialogue was very, very bad. It didn't tell much about your characters, or at least when it did the characters were very stereotypical...the "sweet metrosexual" and the "badass hiphop dancer." Try to make your dialogue longer next time.
Action ~ 1/10. The only real action was the dance scene which, while creative, was far too short and lacked pizazz. It was different, yes...but being different is not the only thing you need. You also need to write it well.
Persona ~ 1/10. At the least, Burley has a character beyond the norm. However, "silly" characters have been done on Althanas before, or characters that are a little out-of-the-norm. Garthabel had absolutely no character, however, and Satan felt like you just lifted him from South Park. Try to use some more creativity next time with showing your characters!

WRITING STYLE

Let me preface this: normally, this section would have been 1, 4, and 4 in that order. However, you plagiarized "The Monster Mash." Plagiarism -- using someone else's work as your own -- is not allowed on Althanas. We sometimes miss it, but when we catch it we do not allow it. Your scores in Writing Style have been zeroed because of plagiarism. It's a shame, too...this was actually your best category. Without this penalty, you would have scored a 9 here, but instead you are losing those points.

EDIT: When I say "A few points" or similar things below, I mean in reference to the 1, 4, and 4 I mentioned earlier.

Technique ~ 0/10. I saw no evidence of attempting to use any elements of advanced writing. However, you did make an attempt to be funny, and although the flaws of your writing made the comedy fall flat, I threw you a point for trying.
Mechanics ~ 0/10. You really didn't make any glaring errors in terms of sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, etc. However, using proper English mechanics is intended to serve a purpose...that of communicating well. In this case, you are communicating a story. Despite the fact that your mechanics weren't bad, I cannot give you a higher score because the story you were communicating was not the best (see comments in the Story and Character category).
Clarity ~ 0/10. I actually tended to at least know what was going on when I took the time to read this. But, as I said above, what was going on wasn't really worth reading. A few points for being clearer than even some of our better writers, but still quite low because clarity doesn't make a good thread.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 3/10. The actual bones of your writing, when it comes to not breaking the rules of English, aren't bad. But you need to work on how you portray your characters, make their dialogue interesting, and tell a story that keeps people interested. Your first attempt is actually not the worst I've seen, although it is still not very good. But don't be discouraged! Practice will help you get better, as will carefully reading both these suggestions and some of the work by other writers on Althanas. I hope to see you two grow to become excellent contributing members to the Althanas community.

TOTAL ~ 8

REWARDS

Pashad gains 25 EXP
Garthabel gains 10 EXP