An Unexpected Trip

[Sid]

[solo]
After his recent battle at the Citadel and dispute with a particularly annoying dwarf, Sid decided a trip to somewhere, anywhere, was in order. The original plan had been to simply fast-talk the dwarf, but somehow got rerouted into a fight, concluding with a failure acquiring a half-decent blade. Eager to put the entire thing behind him, Sid quickly gathered his sparse belongings and left, he’d figure out where he was going on the way as there was no point staying to plan on leaving.

His first thoughts were perhaps to simply other cities in Corone, but after a quick evaluation they were dismissed. Most of Corone was forest anyway, a few small human settlements of which only Underwood was notable. There was also a little known country existing inside of Corone, though Sid doubted it existed at all, especially given fictitious claims that the land was inhabited by “cat-men,” as though such things could exist. Those prospects excited him little, and he was forced to consider other countries, several with inconvenient travel distances.

Though it was the farthest from him, Alerar seemed to hold the most promise. The population was mostly dark elves, markedly preferred by Sid to the high elves. The city of Ettermire was his main attraction though, said to be the largest in the world as well as the most advanced, though he would judge that for himself. The wares from Kachuk also a possibility, he did after all still need a sword.

Sid quickly departed Radasanth and bartered for passage to Etheria port. The boat was relatively small but very fast, taking only two days to make port. It had cost him to travel passenger, but a storm and sickening crew proved him far better off than having worked for passage. Overall, the trip was uneventful, though a little slower traveling on foot. By the time he arrived in Ettermire, four days had already passed, though incredible for casual traveling, Sid was still displeased at the wasted time.

As he entered the city, a single though stuck with him. This was his place.

[Sid]

Over the next few days, Sid managed to integrate himself into the new culture, or at least as much as a human could. Though they weren’t openly hostile, there was definitely a prevalent distrust and separation of humans by the dark elves. Aside from the normal suspicious glances of the elves, Sid couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched, though he credited it to self-preservative paranoia.

Once he found work, acting as security at the seedy tavern known as the “Bottomless Pit,” Sid was free to begin his operations. First, he needed to establish his target, only then could he begin to take action. Ettermire received regular shipments of goods from Kachuk, though sadly they mostly seemed to be raw ores and would be useless even if he could somehow get them. There was also a large amount of crime in Ettermire as with any large city, though it was a great advantage much of it resided, frequented, or operated in the Bottomless Pit. It would have been an easy task to find out who was on the supply side, and where they got their supplies. After that, all he had to do was charge the queen’s guards a “good citizen fee” for helping to identify troublesome criminals, and then slide into the position he created. This was a tempting path, but he knew he was aiming too low, there were big fish in this polluted sea.

Valshath d'Isto as the dark elves called it, or the dark palace as everyone else knew it. The entire city had been built around it, the centerpiece of the largest production facilities in the world and seat to the royal throne. Inside of it the most advanced technologies, and zealously guarded as well, were kept. They may have sold some minor things like guns, but anything of true value was developed and produced there. Even giant flying boats were produced there, trusted only to captains with unquestioned loyalty and patriotism. There were many merchants that would have traded everything they owned, as well as everything they didn’t, just to get the instructions to make one, but Alerar allowed no such sharing of technology. It was their greatest weapon after all, being able to attack from the sky and transport their troops faster than any other nation, not to mention making their passages unobservable. This was Sid’s goal.

The first problem presented itself in the sheer size of the palace; it would take several hours to travel around the entire thing, and traveling fast. There were a great many entrances to the palace, though each was guarded heavily. Materials were brought in massive quantities and goods left in equally massive amounts, but they were always inspected. The thoroughness with which each potential hiding location was inspected surprised him, but given current events it made sense. The queen had recently been assassinated, and so security was bound to have been increased, but this still stuck him as out of the ordinary. Only later did he learn the real reason, the elite military unit known as Kyorl were guarding the palace personally, as opposed to the more casual national army.

In order to get close enough to observe without being noted for “special attention,” Sid had to create a new routine. Every day for a week he took walks at noon at midnight; traveling west during the day and east during the night, carefully recording the comings and goings, the guard shifts changing, and in particular the size of each entrance. It quickly became apparent; his paranoia was not without cause.

[Sid]

On several days, Sid spotted people he’d seen the night before following him at a distance, disappearing if he turned fully around but obvious when turning a corner or somehow getting a sideways glance. These he identified to be dark elves, which concerned him little. Likely just routine for an outsider that resided at the bottomless pit and was seen around the palace, but they weren’t what worried him. They proved harder to spot, but several black cloaked figures were tailing either him or the elves, and were much more adept at it. To make sure, Sid began to change up his routine. He traveled through random parts of the cities, past the dirtiest slums and the cleanest manses, making his way through the bazaar countless times. The dark elves dropped off their pursuit, either he didn’t interest them further or they were inept enough to get lost, but the cloaked figures remained.

His observation of the palace complete, Sid was ready to move to the next stage of the plan, but before he did anything the followers needed to be taken care of. To the best of his knowledge, the most he’d seen was three, though there could be more, making them a greater hindrance than he’d originally thought. If it were only one, or maybe even two, he could deal with them quietly and make a quick coin off a butcher known for selling surprisingly delicious “mystery meat.” Three would be beyond his skills and tempting fate, which was never a good. If the phrase ever applied, it was a sure sign you were doing something wrong or foolhardy.

Unable to suddenly break from routine, lest his stalkers realize and take preemptive action, Sid was trapped in his own pattern. Only a day later as he was returning to his room, the stalkers make an attempt at him. He’d just returned from a particularly long walk, and was entering his room on the second floor when he heard the strange clicking sound that multiple people coming up the stairs made. The owner had to take precautions with running such a dangerous joint, allowing only his room and the guards to be placed on the second story. From there, it was easy to tell when people were moving up the stairs, and Sid knew he was loading shells into the double barreled shot gun and waiting behind his door. He didn’t have a gun, but he did have bedsheet and fists.

As he stood there carefully evening his breath and forcing silence, Sid knew this could end very badly if they were armored, but there wasn’t really a better way to approach the situation. It unnerved him the speed with which the lock on the door twisted open, he’d seen some specialists practicing and bragging on custom locks they’d brought to the bar and they were no where near as quick. As the door the opened, a first cloaked figure stepped through immediately followed by second. Wasting no time, Sid struck the first in the face and felt bone crunch beneath his fist and the man fell limply against the floor. In the same move he moved in front of the other and cast the white linen sheet over its hood to blind it. He nearly embedded his fist in the second’s gut, but an overwhelming force caught him and threw him backwards into the room. Pinned against the wall by some unseen force, Sid could do nothing but struggle in vain.

[Sid]

“You’re a hard man to find, Sid Poseidon.”

The voice was female, almost musical in sound, and vaguely familiar. Sid couldn’t remember from where though, she must have either been someone he knew long, long ago, or more likely, was someone he’d crossed or stolen from that was forgotten among the growing list. Disadvantaged as he was, Sid put on his charade, shrugged his shoulders and spoke nonchalantly, “What can I say?”

Several more dark cloaked figures moved into the room, one bending to help its fallen comrade, the others standing silently staring at him with an alarming intensity. Counting the one with the broken nose, there was eight of them, each identically cloaked and focused on Sid. At his response, one of them let out a bark of laughter, and turned to close the door behind them. With a brief spot of light from the doorway, Sid saw beneath the hood. A single milky white eye was transfixed on him, seeing despite blindness. Struggling against his hold, Sid watched carefully and saw how his exertions affected his captors. Several stiffened as though with great effort, and Sid could have laughed for his relief. “So how did you find me, Taliah?”

Surprised, the shortest figure pulled back her cloak revealing the pale complexion and jet black hair every member of Sid’s people possessed, the hereditary markers evident in the structure of her face. As she did so, the rest followed suit and Sid recognized several of the faces, though several were too young for him to have known. Of them, Sid easily identified the five restraining him by their milky white eyes. They seemed to be using heavily on the drug, though he would not have guessed there to have been so many to restrain only one man.

“We left the village shortly after you, though for different reasons. Once we decided to find you, we tracked you all the way to Scara Brea. That was no easy feat by the way, and later to Corone. As we were getting there you seemed to be leaving, and we thought we lost you in the ocean, but fortune lead you to us. Anywhere else, and we couldn’t have done it, but our kind sticks out around here, and you didn’t make any effort to disguise yourself. That brings us to now.”

Consuming the information, Sid was still left wondering about several things. Why did it take five of their group to hold him? What would make him worth traveling so long and so far to find? “So, are you going to release me now?”

“Well, that depends.” Taliah said flatly, “Are you going to attack us if we do?”

In truth, Sid had been planning what to do if one of them gave out, along with creating as much resistance as possible to weaken their psychic hold. “I suppose not.” I can always kill you later.

Taliah stared him in the eyes, her jewel green eyes attempting to probe beneath Sid’s icy blue, but he revealed nothing. “Let him down.” Instantly he felt the pressure release, and the white faded from the eyes of those holding him, only one needing to brace himself as from the withdrawal. “We have lingered too long. We must be off.”

[Sid]

“Take this,” said of Taliah’s followers, holding out a folded pile of black cloth. Accepting it, Sid unfolded the item to discover a black cloak, quickly pulling it over his head. It was a bit short for him, his feet showed beneath it and extending his arms to full length unveiled several inches of wrist, but it would serve for the time being. Wasting no time, they left the room in a single long group, went down the stairs, and parted their way through the crowd and across to the tavern’s front exit. The way people stood aside as they saw the cloaks moving near was interesting, most especially their looks of mingled fear and envy. That alone, from this crowd no less, made it worth playing along. At least until something better became evident.

As the marched along, traveling all of the side alleys, the least used roads, even once passing through an abandoned building, Sid noted that they didn’t so much as see in the distance a single patrol. From first hand experiences, Sid knew a great many swept through the city at night, but he hadn’t guessed they’d be avoided with this much certainty. He asked several questions, but received no answers. The others were tight-lipped, and Taliah asked for patience and silence.

Taking a final turn, Sid realized just where they were going. He felt the fool for not realizing it earlier, but used the night as an excuse. The moon was little more than a slit and clouds blocked even that, making the dark palace invisible against the blank sky. Still slightly confused, Sid watched carefully what the others were doing. They seemed to be approaching one of the huge stone walls spread, still a long walk from any of the entrances Sid had observed. As they approached the door, the leading member of the group ran his hands across the stone, searching for something. Seeming to find it, he drew a thin metal rod from beneath his cloak, and carefully slid it into the stone. As he did so, the stone shifted and folded backwards.

The others quickly moved through, though Sid had to be dragged inside by Taliah, his slow movement into the unknown nearly allowing the door to close on him. For a moment the darkness was oppressive, but quickly staved off by the lighting of torch. With his eyes adjusted to the light, Sid could see they were in a tunnel with a high ceiling and little to no distinguishing marks, and try as he might could not see any visible mechanism for the opening the door in such a way. He was inside of the Dark Palace! The thought threw him for a loop, he’d never heard any rumor that there were secret passages into and out of the place, though there were only the vaguest rumors of traps against intruders and only that they were deadly, at that.

Again they moved in silence, the tunnel gently curving to the left and slightly sloped down, arriving finally at an ornately decorated black iron door. The door was easily nine feet tall and several inches thick making surpassingly heavy, yet still swinging open easily on well oiled hinges. Inside the room, the rest drew back their hoods and moved about on their own, while Taliah guided Sid towards two a table with two chairs nearby. Sid eased himself into one of the chairs, the body molding cushions absorbing him, while Taliah seated opposite himself with a bottle and two glasses. “Will you explain now?”

[Sid]

“Yes. Would you like some wine? I’m told it’s a very fine vintage.”

Sid accepted the glass politely, raised it to his mouth in a token gesture, and then placed it on the table idly. The dimly lit atmosphere of the room and its furnishings all tempted to set him at ease, make him careless, but he would not allow it. The room itself was very high class; floor-length tapestries and painted portraits of various dark elves from history covered the walls, a hung chandelier with carefully angled glass allowed a single candle to cast the room in a soft light, the furniture was elegant and well cared for, the air was cool and slightly scented, even the floor had been covered in fabric, everything designed to put a person at ease. The room could easily have held the bottomless pit inside of it and with room to spare, though arrayed tables and seating area along with the bar made it to feel less like a warehouse and more like a living space. Despite all of this, Sid couldn’t relax around such new and unproved company. Following his gaze about the room, Taliah gave him a crooked smile and spoke.

“These drow, they’re something aren’t they? This isn’t even their best room, far from it, can you believe that? They’ve got an even larger room set aside for the ambassador, but I’ve never seen him.”

Unable to resist, Sid broke in. “What ambassador? From where?” As he spoke, Taliah’s eyes squinted at him, and she seemed almost to laugh. When Sid’s face remained passive, Taliah’s eyes widened in surprise and she gasped at the seriousness of his question.

“What ambassador! You’ve been gone too long. I had thought that you, of all people, would have maintained an awareness of Salvar, but breaking off contact entirely… Now that I know it seems obvious that you would have and explains why it was impossible to find any contact that had met you. Salvar is allying with Alerar, which is part of the reason we have this room.”

Taking a moment to digest the information, Sid swirled the wine idly. Although his home town hadn’t truly been a part of Salvar as a whole, in his exile Sid had spurned the entire country. Now he sat in the lap of luxury all because of it, for the time being. This news raised only more suspicion, and Sid leaned forward placing his elbows on the table, his body rigid. “And the other part?”

Taliah hesitated for a moment, giving a careful glance at the walls, then replied in a whisper just loud enough for him and him alone. “The king, the parliament, and the church each have certain tasks that must be done discreetly, out of view from lawful eyes. You see where I am going? We perform our patriotic duty, and in exchange we receive benefits as befit a lord. The Alerians think us minor workers for Salvar and don’t pay us much attention. To feed this, we send occasional reports back to Salvar remarking on things like population, transactions in the bazaar, estimated resources, you get the point. We make most of it up, as long as the read it the actual numbers don’t matter and they won’t suspect us of anything strange that happens.” Taliah leaned back in her seat, a raised eyebrow demanding Sid’s response.

[Sid]

The fact that governments often used covert agencies to carry out illegal actions was a fact of life and Sid had accepted it long ago. It took on a whole new aspect when someone he actually knew was involved, somehow seeming much more real and foreign. Guessing at what these secret activities were, Sid let out a stifled gasp upon reaching a realization. “You were the ones that killed the queen?”

Startled, Taliah took a moment before responding. “No, that was not our doing. There had been a few rumors a while back about the possibility when the queen was halting negotiations, but we were never given the order. We wouldn’t have been able to get a close enough audience with her majesty anyway, and as it was we were detained for two days while having been around several drow that gave witness we had no part in the assassination. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was done by Salvar though, but it was not us.”

Regaining his composure, Sid relaxed slightly though, the veins at his neck receding into flesh again. The realization that they could have killed the queen instantly set Sid’s mind into motion running through what he would have done had he been the assassin. It conveniently lined up that they had found and detained someone of similar skills, brought him to the castle, and were now possibly preparing to abandon the place and leave him as the scapegoat. There was still one unanswered question remaining though. “Why are you telling me all of this? I’m pretty sure the Mazzra would pay me pretty well for what I know, and you’re risking a lot on an unknown.”

Letting out a soft laugh, Taliah answered. “Why am I telling you this? Isn’t it obvious? I, well we, want you to join us. Think about it, you’re the first and strongest of our kind, and this is a good opportunity. The others are not advancing as I’d hoped, my power has grown steadily over the past few years as I suspect have yours. Our weakest members seem to have reached a plateau which is leading them to larger and unstable doses, we’ve already lost two to overdose. If nothing else we need you to maintain our numbers, limited as we are. As to selling out your breathren to the Mazzra, or anyone for that matter, you wouldn’t make it out through that tunnel system, not even if you killed every one of us without a scratch. I didn’t want to put it to you this way, but you don’t really have choice. What will it be?”

Finished, Taliah smiled charmingly with false pleasantry. The concern in her eyes and the shifting the concealed weapon beneath the table were real, however. Pausing only a second, Sid let out a sigh. “As you said, I have no choice. So be it.” Even had she not put him in such a position, Sid doubted he would have rejected the offer. It was a pretty good deal too; this cloak and dagger work suited him just fine. Finally relaxing, Sid drained the cup of wine and leaned back.

Sid heard the faint click as whatever weapon Taliah had was replaced, but she did not relax as he did. “You understand that given the circumstances, we cannot take your word at face value. Anyone would have agreed for their life, and so you must be tested.” Taliah deftly slipped a note from an unseen pocket, fingering it as she continued. “As it happens, there is minor situation that we have been given. We mostly work in twos or threes, but this is you alone.”

[Sid]

Already prepared for such an event, Sid rose from his seat and prepared to leave. “I assume you’ll be monitoring me as well as leading me through the tunnel system, so you can fill me in on details on the way.” Matching his movements, Taliah led the way.

Less suspicious now, Sid had more time to take in the environment and other aspects of people. Experience and a need for self-preservation had trained him; how many weapons did the enemy have, how much armor, how quickly can they move, the exact distance separating them and time required to traverse, likelihood of concealed weapons, everything watched and accounted for with each new encounter. It struck him suddenly just how much he suppressed his own feelings, inspired by the sudden aspect of Taliah’s physical beauty that he had just noticed. It was difficult to think of her that way, someone from his past that he hadn’t disliked, though it also threw more suspicion on her. Between the beautiful and the ugly, more often it was beauty that wielded a dagger best.

As they walked the complete darkness of tunnels, Taliah explained the assignment while interjecting with sparse directions from memory. “This one is an affair of religion, so it’s unlikely we’ll have any attention. Politics have naught but blind eyes for heretical exiles. Take a right here. The man’s name is Julius Demetri, former priest of the Ethereal Sway. During his time as a judge his reputation for harsh and questionable rulings was well known, his departure from this world will bring little sorrow. Take another right. As he rose through the ranks, Julius gathered more and more enemies, several of which made assassination attempts on him. After one close call, he claimed to have ‘seen the light’ and has been spouting blasphemous claims against the righteousness of the priesthood. Can you believe that? ‘Seen the light’, what nonsense. Turn right.” Brushing against her outstretched arm, Sid stopped, not realizing he was inches from walking into the wall. The darkness inside of the tunnels was complete, no wonder it was undefended. Any assault would be unable to navigate and be eliminated by fatigue or lack of water.

Sensing her movements, Sid wondered at how she could memorize such an ordeal just for coming and going, but forced his face to display passive indifference as the door slid away before them leading to a similar deserted street with poor lighting and not a guard in sight. Following Taliah, the pair walked in silence for a ways before Sid interrupted. “Why tell me his history, why not just a description and location?”

Giving him an accusing glance, Taliah responded. “‘It would be immoral to kill a man unreasonably, to kill for the greater purpose is lawful. When a man must die for the greater good, knowing this makes one righteous and conversely not knowing makes one a murderer.’ That is the church’s ruling on our work, and so their assignments are very detailed. I understand the efficiency of minimal information, but would you kill someone you knew nothing about?” She stared at him, expecting the answer Sid couldn’t give. He had killed indiscriminately before, and would do so as he deemed necessary.

They continued walking, but silence hung heavily about them. Sid felt a slight guilt at her words, but shrugged it off. She’d found a comfortable life immediately from her home and had wont of nothing. She knew nothing of the hardships of the world, of survival at any cost. Who was she to judge him so?

[Sid]

Finally arriving at the building after several minutes, Sid was relieved for a task to focus on. The place was small and in a shabby part of Alerar, but it had its own appeal making up for its lacking aesthetics. The outside was made of roughly cut bricks of a dark color and of varying sizes, a great deal of which was chipped. A single door marked the entryway; large and wooden it was of no greater quality, splinters sticking out along with a jagged cracks running from the hinges revealed signs of rot, the door was so cheap as to not even have been sealed for weather. A quick dose of the mind expanding drug, and the bolt lock easily slid out, his infiltration of the building accomplished with ease. Telekinesis invalidated such arcane mechanisms, always there was a better way.

Inside, Sid strode silently through the single room. In the center of the room sat a table with a plate and some crumbs left over, accompanied by several unlabeled bottles. A quick examination revealed them to be empty and smelling of more than wine. Beyond the table lay the priest; a fat wobbly face with grey receding hair centered on a round button nose, his head enveloped beneath the ears by the monstrous neck, a broad shouldered frame held enough girth for two fat men, all covered with fine silk robes and on a feather mattress. He may have preached to the unwashed masses but he was not of them. It seemed the windowless house was not chosen without reason; it would be unsightly for some of his misled believers to see his style of life.

Approaching the snoring man, Sid’s lip curled up in disgust. Priests and religions in general fell ill in his view, but the example of filth before him was a whole new level. Clenching his hands in such a way as to strike with the middle knuckle, Sid drew back his arm when he spotted Taliah watching from the doorway. He had been prepared to kill the man slowly, striking first his throat and then slowly crushing the air from his body, but unexplained cruelty was not often received well by others. Relaxing his arm, Sid summoned a table knife right into his hand, then exacted a quicker form of punishment. His free hand clenched shut the priest’s jaw and jerked the man awake, whites visible completely around the beady green eyes that bled panic for any to see. Allowing only a moment of absolute fear as his victim flailed wildly and ineffectually beneath his grip, Sid plunged the utensil beneath the chin and upwards, feeling it scrape against the very tops of spine and brain. Backing away, Sid observed with grim satifaction as the so called ‘holy man’ drew out the knife and attempted a scream in his dying moments. His efforts resulted only in dark foam dribbling down his chin, choking on his own blood. Vaguely Sid remarked to himself how fitting it was, that a priest should have black blood, even if only for the darkness of night.

Moving to leave, Taliah stood frozen in the doorway. Her eyes were searching his face, likely for a source of remorse or pity. Not bothering to fake an emotion, his cold blue eyes met hers unblinkingly, sending his message clearly.Only the weak doubt their actions, I regret nothing.

[Sid]

The long return trip to the palace passed by in complete silence, Taliah lagging behind slightly as Sid led the way at a brisk pace. It was unnatural to stick around in so close a proximity to the murder. Always were the watchers that pointed fingers accusingly at Sid the vagrant, creating the edge and accelerating his feet. Ettermire was so large and populous it would not be unusual for travelers to come and go, and with Salvar’s new allegiance even humans were becoming more common occurrences in the drow capital. Even so, Sid never slowed. His passing went unmarked in the early dawn, a cloaked figure passing through the streets with hood pulled low so the dawn rays could not betray his humanity.

Navigating through the tunnels once more, Sid couldn’t help but feel the path had somehow changed. They’d left and entered from the same passage, passed through the same doorway of the room, yet the turns and curve of the walls had changed. It wasn’t inconceivable, such mastery of architecture required to create such a fortress would have little problem creating confusing corridors. At last reaching a dead end, the wall swung away before them and the same living area greeted him as it had before, though less sinister by perception.

Already his view was changed from initiation. The dark atmosphere of the entire place had lost the grim horror through which Sid had first seen it. No longer was this place a coffin, though it wouldn’t have been a bad place to die. Moving back to his seat, Sid poured himself a second glass, sipping at the same fine merlot as before. A shuffling across the glass surfaced table attracted his attention, his gaze locking on Taliah. “Is there more, or am I in?”

“You’re in. Now, enough with work. What have you been doing these past few years?”

Despite her misgivings, Taliah threw off the question out of hand. She had campaigned for his recruitment and whatever she thought now, she was responsible. She’d gotten herself a weapon, and weapons must be used lest they be used on their owners in turn. Smiling, she resolved to be not the target but the bow, and he the arrow.

[AdventWings]

Hi, Sid. So we meet again. :)

Here is the Judgment for this short solo and some other details I'd like to point out.

Story

Continuity - 8

Good to know how this fits into the character's story, as well as timely integration of the current events within Althanas. Not seamless, but very good.

Setting - 4

There was very sporadic mentions of the environment around Sid and his very limited interaction with them. The scenes just fly by without as much as a clue and at some points he was literally floating in space - there was practically no other mention of his surrounding asides from the moonlight. I know you can work more on this category, though it could help a lot to just slow down your story's pacing a bit. See the next category.

Pacing - 5

The quest went by like a bullet, honestly speaking. You shifted from Scara Brae to Corone to Alerar in two short paragraphs... That made my head hurt a bit, but I understand the need to speed through the quest. Also, despite the sheer amount of events taking place in this thread, there was relatively little tension being created to make the read enjoyable. Take your time to smell the soot-laden flowers a bit more on your next quest.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 5

Typos... Those really kill the mood. There were a few small ones that ticked me off, especially the word "wont" around the end of Post #8. Reading the context again made me come to the conclusion you intended it to be "want." Watch out for those. Also, a nasty run-on at the beginning of Post #9 irked me. If you think you can split a sentence into two and each still made sense, even with minor edits, chances are it's a run-on.

Technique - 5

Not much, actually. Nothing outstanding nor inappropriate. Could use more, actually. This could be better.

Clarity - 6

Without the typos, misspells and run-ons, this was one of your stronger areas. Too bad the story was rather... Lackluster for the most parts. Easier to read, on the other hand.

Character

Dialogue - 6

Still a bit cliche, but I can see some hint of personality in there that is starting to become unique to your character.

Action - 7

Typical, but believable and understandable.

Persona - 6

Again, similar reasons given in Action. However, I wished you elaborated more in this category such as how things ran through Sid's mind and his other physical and emotional responses to the situation at hand.

Misc.

Wild Card - 8

You have done a very good deal of integrating Aleran elements in this thread, especially with the current treaty with Salvar, the rising tension in Alerar and the relationship between the two powers. A good deal of potential and I'm waiting to see more from you.

One thing I should note here is that your current writing style is very similar to a movie storyboard - straight, to the point and sacrificing a good deal of literary tension in the process. Slow things down a bit and maybe take more time on a particular scene, especially ones that are critical to the story and dedicated to jump out at the reader at the most opportune chance.

Total - 61!

Sid receives 610 EXP and 200 GP for a mission well done.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added, good job Sid!