Tidbits of Help, Anyone?

[Rajani Aishwara]

Since the Althanaversary tournament is upon us I thought it relevant to make a little 'rate me' thread. This is my first tournament, let alone the first battle I'll ever participate in. I know my winning isn't likely, but I'm definitely going to do my best, and in order to do so I have to get an early judgement on my writing thus far. Take a look at the following threads and alert me so my strengths and weaknesses. Since the tournament is about to start, suggestions relevant to battle would be especially appreciated.

Conquest by Capitalism (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=3218) - In my opinion this is my most solid thread so far. It introduces the reader to The Peregrine's crew in addition to Rajani. It looks dead, but I'm working on incorporating Corone's Civil War in it, which will take Rajani far from the Silver Pub war path.

Priya (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=4110) - "What's up with the name?" you ask? It's a mystery that will be revealed at the end of the thread. I think this thread will turn out to be better than Conquest by Capitalism.

Aishwara's IMC (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=3302) - It looks dead, and it may be dead, but it's still relevant as a form of writing.

[Darkness Impulse]

So this is like the "Something Positive" thread, where we say stuff about a thread that the person before us stated(except everything doesn't need to be positive), and then put one of our own threads up so someone else can do you(just making sure)?

Edit: Ah okay, just making sure(selfish sonofabitch... just kidding). Well if I find the time i'll tell you what I think about your writing, but not right now.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Not exactly. It's a critique thread, where you read my stuff, and critique me. You can put one of your threads up if you want to (I'll read it), but I'd really like some opinions from various people about my writing.

[Raelyse]

These used to be common back in the day.

[Fenris]

Thoughts on Priya:

Nice introduction. You immediately establish conflict (a frightening dream) to propel your plot, which is good. (Not going into the dream right away is even better--you keep us reading to learn more.)

The dialogue was a little confusing at the start. I had to read it a couple times to figure out that Mohana wasn't talking to Rajani, but rather to someone else. Perhaps you could explicitly identify the target of her conversation as Aton Mira?

“I know. I just wish he’d say such things when they have no relevance. That’s when a person truly means what is said.”

Good thought. Shows us Rajani's wise for his age. And it's just a good thought. :)

The ensuing double-conversation with the apples and the dream is great. Kinda funny that she ends up giving in eventually. The scene definitely develops their characters--shows us their dynamics, their personalities. Applause. Also, you cut the mystery of the dream, but the plot doesn't lose drive, as it is now carried by the unknown nature of Rajani's "operation."

“It’s merely a dream.and resumed

Typo.

The inn scene is also good. You reveal more about the "operation," but not enough to kill the plot's drive. We still don't know everything--and that's good. Also, there's the added plot element of the two empty chairs. We read on to find out who will fill them, why they've been invited, what their purposes are, etc. Nice.

All in all, a very nice post. A recurring thing I noticed--you might proof your work with an eye for rephrasing clauses with fewer words. In general, if you can convey the same information in fewer words (unless the extra words are fundamentally necessary for pacing or an anaphoric scheme or something), you should. E.g.:

"He and Mohana were now at the Rathaxea Inn & Tavern, conveniently located in the square it was named after. That was where they would be staying during their tenure in Salvar."

could be phrased

"He and Mohana were now at the Rathaxea Inn & Tavern, conveniently located in the square it was named after, where they would spend their tenure in Salvar."

I really like your style. It's fun to read, and again, you do a good job measuring your revelations to the reader so we always have a reason to turn the page. Nice use of the Salvar locale, too.

Applause! Can't wait to read more.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Thank you, fenris. That was very useful. I'll read some of your stuff and throw down a critique for you too.

[Zook Murnig]

I enjoy your writing Rajani, but it is important to remember that more does not necessarily mean better. You are very good at showing your crew's respect for your character, but little of each crew member's personality really shines through to me.

Anyway, I'd like some critique on my writing. Links are in the sig.

[Khariss Sevrath]

Eh, you want advice in regards to the tournament, right?

React and act. React and act. That's what a battle, ultimately, is. When you want to add in a story (a good idea if you'd like a good score), then switch to your quest mentality.

They're really two different forms of writing, is what I'm getting at. This critique might be useful for you overall as a quest writer, but writing battles is another beast entirely.

[Chidori Draconid]

Both Khariss and Zook are right. A battle is a totally different ball game from a quest, and length isn't everything.

If you concern yourself with length during a battle you're going to have a hard time writing. Don't set a personal minimum or maximum. Your strength is in the cast and crew of your ship (the npc's in your signature), so include them if you can. They can be on the sidelines cheering you on, or you can have flashbacks of them giving you pointers, or whatever, but make it your mission to include them. You haven't done one in character thread without including them, so don't risk it now.

However, don't let your Peregrine npc's slow the battle down. Keep the pace up and make sure the reader doesn't forget that you're in the middle of a fight. If you deviate from the action get back to it quickly.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Point well taken from all of you. What if I cannot include the Peregrine crew in my battle?

[Atzar]

Why couldn't you? There are no background stories in the tournament, you're free to do whatever you like. If you want to have your crew along for dialogue and moral support, then have your crew along for dialogue and moral support.

[Fenris]

Just read your first tourny post, Rajani! 'Twas very nice. You have a great voice to your writing--matches Rajani's personality very well.

One grammatical mishap:
"He was not a Dark Elf. that much was for certain for if he were his ears would have aimed out from his long hair."
Corrected:
"He was not a Dark Elf. That much was for certain, for if he were, his ears would have aimed out from his long hair."

Also liked the dynamic between Mohana and Raj that you're continuing to develop:
"Normally she would have snapped back at her captain. She must have been very exhausted." Fun character effect there.

Also liked the description of the food. I always loved that about Brian Jacques' Redwall books--he had the most luscious accounts of banquets and whatnot, and every meal was described in mouth-watering detail. But anyway, yeah. Good descriptions of food seem to be overlooked by a lot of writers, so congrats!

And good luck. Hope it all goes well!

[Rajani Aishwara]

Crap! Would I loose points if I edited now?

[Christina Bredith]

I can't see why they would penalize you for editing. The only tricky business is if you try to edit a post after your opponent has already responded to it, especially if you do it without them knowing. That can raise some nasty issues potentially. But otherwise it should be fine.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Thank you Christina. Would you like to critique my stuff a little too?

[Ataraxis]

I said I'd critique your writing, but it's getting really hard to nitpick. I'll try anyway, and hope I don't sound redundant and uselessly reiterate what has already been said.

For you battle, I can't seem to find much of anything to question. I only felt queasy when I read about the 'Althanaversary', but that's not going to be a predominant factor in the judging, and it's not even a bad thing. Perhaps further explanantion on what the celebration consisted of back in Avalon would have made it more believable, just to make it sound less... slapdash, perhaps. Otherwise, I like how the crew acts as a massive foil for Rajani, and how Mohanna stands out from them as some sort of amiable nemesis of sorts. I can't help but wonder the story behind Tiberia and Aton; I'm not saying you should make a convoluted flashback for each of them, but their presence seemed a bit lacking in this particular post - Tiberia's qualms represented that of the crew itself, and Aton was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps you're saving all of this for later, though, and that is a good strategy, since telling everything right from the start gives little to no room to move in afterwards.

Now I'm going to move on to Priya, and I'll try to be objective, even though I'm IN it. :D

You have a knack for making settings more than still figure descriptions, as if rather than throwing your characters in an environment, you mold the environment around your characters. This makes for a better flow and the descriptions actually stick to the mind, as opposed to when such descriptions are convoluted and simply blunt off our heads as we browse through them half-heartedly. Yeah, I am explicitly critiquing myself, just here :D

It seems that though I wanted to be neutral, I'm still about to give out more positive comments. How Rajani does not seem to be the sole focus in your writing is truly commendable. You make excellent use of NPCs, and even when in introspection, his thoughts seem to drift toward his family and his entourage. It's also interesting how his mannerism changes subtly when talking to associates of differing, let's say, personal importance to him. Always polite and well-spoken, but there is a difference when he speaks to Mohanna and when he speaks to Lillian. You add an interesting flavor to the text, even though it might not be completely intentional (I can't know this, so I'm merely assuming).

Now, since I have to have some degree of technical inspection in this comment: some of your sentences are separated in a way that interrupts the flow, but that could be remedied with the use of the semi-colon. Now don't go about it and become a colon-whore like me, but when you have a short sentence that lacks oompf to it, you could find a way and fuse it with another and create some sort of parallelism between the two ideas. Otherwise, it's all top notch.

And yes, colon-whore sounds highly inappropriate and a bit too gruesomely picturesque.

And about the IMC, if they don't respond, perhaps you can separate the quest into multiple installments: as in, making a thread for each country? This way, you can move on to the other people on the waiting list, and perhaps get more activity from it. Of course, never more than two of those at the same time.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Wow! Thank you so much Ataraxis. This all very useful.

As for the battle and the mention of Althanaversary, I was hoping to make it a continuing event throughout my tournament run. That is if I make it past this battle. But you make a good point. Lack of elaboration on the holiday would probably lead to a critical docking of my score, so I'll find some way to get it in there. The cast of the Peregrine will all be active spectators of the battle, Aton, Tiberia, Gaius, Mohana, and I may introduce another critical member depending on how well Rajani fights. I'm just afraid of there being too many names and faces for the reader to remember. Is that fear legitimate, or have I managed them properly so far?


Always polite and well-spoken, but there is a difference when he speaks to Mohanna and when he speaks to Lillian.That honestly wasn't intentional, but it might just be because he doesn't take much of a liking to Mohana.


Now, since I have to have some degree of technical inspection in this comment: some of your sentences are separated in a way that interrupts the flow,I've noticed that and the exact opposite. Sometimes I feel like I'm a comma - whore and sometimes I feel like a period - whore. I've got to whore my way to a comfortable middle ground somehow. Perhaps there's someone with exemplary writing in this category that I can learn from.

[Djakara]

Crap! Would I loose points if I edited now?

Generally editing only becomes an issue if your opponent complains. In the case of our battle feel free to edit your posts in any way that doesn't make my responses sound like they came out of nowhere.

Also, I would make some comments, but I don't know if you'd appreciate them at this time given the fact we are competing to advance in a tournament. Perhaps at a more opportune time.

[Rajani Aishwara]

Okay, I'm going to hurry up and get this battle done so I can hear what you have to say. I hope it's okay to edit now because I really want to get rid of something that's out of place.

[Djakara]

As long as your edits don't fundamentally offer the battle. Seeing as Djakara was mocking a few of Rajani's phrases, please don't change those.

Also, the reason I didn't want to comment during the battle was I wasn't sure that you wouldn't see my comments as a way of trying to undermine you or some other dirty tactic. If you aren't concerned about that, I'd be more than happy to offer you a bit of commentary now.

[Rajani Aishwara]

As long as your edits don't fundamentally offer the battle. Seeing as Djakara was mocking a few of Rajani's phrases, please don't change those.
That's great. You're the only one besides Chidori to call attention to that, and he only did so because I told him to.

I would love to get every bit of criticism from you right now since I spent the better part of the last three days trying to lengthen that sum'bitch post. I didn't want the Peregrine Crew to overshadow Rajani, so I left them out, but looks like without them I got nothin'.

[Atzar]

since I spent the better part of the last three days trying to lengthen that sum'bitch post.

No... nononono. Never try to lengthen anything past what feels comfortable. If you do that, nine times out of ten you're putting in extraneous information that will only succeed to dull your post. Always end it where it feels comfortable.

[Djakara]

No... nononono. Never try to lengthen anything past what feels comfortable. If you do that, nine times out of ten you're putting in extraneous information that will only succeed to dull your post. Always end it where it feels comfortable.

Atzar is 100% correct on this. That was going to be one of my biggest points for you. Sometimes, it feels like you're stretching when you don't have to. Also, I feel that you don't always do a good job in making Rajani seem like a protagonist. In our battle, there are two main characters in the story, Djakara and Rajani. However, it almost feels at times from your end that Rajani's battle is a subplot in a story about a sick kid. Try to make the battle itself the story or at least make the battle story parallel the goings on aboard the Peregrine.

[Rajani Aishwara]

I'm not sure if you got the PM, Djakara, so I'm going to apologize publically for inadvertently abandoning the thread. I completely overlooked the two week time limit, and for that I deeply apologize.

While I'm here I'd might as well link you guys to my newest quest The Archeologists (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?p=56956#post56956). If all goes as planned it'll be a fast moving thread, so it'll be interesting to see if the quality is retained.

[Chidori Draconid]

Judging from the introduction and the recruitment thread it looks like you might have found your balance in terms of player participation. So far every thread you've made has focused on satisfying your character's entreprenuerial desires without giving fighter characters much to do. That's a big sacrifice since most of the players in this site have fighting characters, and that's a stapple for their writing. You've finally found something where Rajani's goal finds use for a fighter character.

I have a feeling this quest is going to be better than Priya no matter what surprise you have up your sleve for that quest. However, your introduction didn't seem as strong as it usually is. It's not because you don't have a member of Rajani's ship with him. I applaud you for leaving them out of this. You don't want them to be your cruch. It was the Aishwara Record quote and the first two paragraphs that put me off a bit. The Aishwara Record quotes are usually very inciteful and you usually include a bit of Rajani's parents' personal lives in it. It looks like his father is telling him exactly what to do here, like it's an instruction manual to success first and a journal of their personal lives second. If I read your character's profile right it's supposed to be the other way around.

Being the first brave soul to venture into Donnalaich(sp) the introduction of the setting is appropriate. I just feel like it's a little too poetic. People may have to think too hard to get some of it. Here's just one example.


The organic curves of the city’s stone architecture were plagued with fissures and decaying corners, which could only be reversed and mended by temporal fabric.I really hope your judge is up on his/her vocabulary because I don't think many people know that the word temporal refers to time, and that you were saying(in a pretty way) that only time could reverse some of the flaws in Donnalaich's architecture.


In a world of fairy wings stood a young man with a pair of falcon wings that could only be seen by the third eye.Giving your character a semi-grand entrance is awsome. The entrance of the 'hero' is delayed for dramatic effect. I liked it when you did it in Conquest by Capitalism, I like it when you do it here, and I hope you make it as signature as the Aishwara Records. As you of all people know, that's a film tactic that doesn't always translate well onto paper, but you do it well. But once again I hope your readers are inciteful enough to understand that your 'wings' are figurative.