So, what do you think?

[Lost Without You]

Ok, so, I've reached a point in my vast years of roleplaying where I'm interested to know what others think of my writings. I've recently begun an interesting solo quest series and just wanted some critical feedback and some CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, keyword: constructive. Posting things like "i didn't like this and that." don't help me.

The thread is found here (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=4281). Thank you!

[Atzar]

Hey,

I just skimmed over what you have so far. You have a good style, and the storyline sounds like it could definitely be worth a read.

One thing I noticed, however, is the dialogue. You shouldn't have more than one person speaking in a paragraph; if someone else has a line, start a new one.

This can create some short, choppy paragraphs, but it gives some organization to your writing, and that never hurts.

Hope this helps...

[Zook Murnig]

Also, the short choppy paragraphs in a give-and-take dialogue can enhance the pacing. Rather than a hulking block of text, it's thinner and easier to read snippets.

[Bleater]

As Atzar said, the dialogue detracts a little bit from it, despite being offset by different colors.

This is actually a fairly interesting start, and the vagueness of Farasrian combined with the enigmatic voice (and responses) definitely give you an early hook for reading a bit further to find out what's going on.

I will say that Rian will probably need a bit more definition to his character in the later posts. You don't really get much of a feel for him; especially compared to Jake who is such an animated character. By contrast, Jake is done extremely well as far as persona goes; everything he feels- from confusion to fear to lust- is conveyed almost to a humorous degree. ^_^

[Lost Without You]

Now that I have some feedback I wanted to respond to the last bit that Bleater posted about. Part of the reason for the lack of being able to feel Farasrian is because that's who he is. The way I created him was to be emotionless, devoid of all human strengths and weaknesses. He may appear humanoid, but for now he is nothing more than that, appearances.

This is why Jake is SO over the top, however. I was curious if anyone else felt that Jake was right where he needed to me comic relief-wise. I created Jake to the be "Phil"(think Hercules the Disney movie) for Farasrian in terms of the ying to his yang.

And I do want to say thank you to all three of you. I've taken into consideration your thoughts and opinions and have opted to try that once the tournament begins. I feel that'd be a good place to begin a new twist to my style.

Thanks to you all, and those who've yet to post, please do so. I won't get upset unless you say "you suck". Give me REASONS why I suck.

[Nymph and Dragon]

You suck because I tell you to.;)

Just kidding. I'm curious to see where it goes, so I guess that's a good sign since I have the attention span of a dead goldfish. I don't like Jake, but that's personal, and I guess that's good because it means he has enough character to grate. Farasrian is mysterious in a good way, as long as you don't keep us in the dark about him too long. Your narrative has good flow and you don't have ungodly long sentences that are impossible to understand, though you do sometimes use sentence structures that require slower reading. If this is intentional, well done. If not . . . it's fun for English buffs who get sweet-syntax highs.