A sneak and a scuffle. (closed)

[Christoph]

This is a closed one on one battle.


The main room of the tavern was buzzing with life that late afternoon. Patrons with all sorts of different appearances made small talk and the busy footsteps of barmaids carried throughout the pub. The modest glow of the small fire being made for the evening reached as far as the bar counter. Chris sat on a bar stool with a tankard of ale in front of him. His white chef coat folded up in his pack, leaving only his simple tan shirt under it. He was enjoying the small amount of peace that one could get in a country at war.

When his mother had sent him to Corone on business, he had no idea just how different things had become. The city of Radasanth was being patrolled by soldiers who watched your every move, people were becoming paranoid, and supply shortages were beginning to develop. For all Chris knew, this could be the last time that ale would be affordable for some time.

Chris ordered another round, his second. He wouldn't drink much, though; the last thing he needed was to be hung over the next day when he would be meeting with one of the foreign suppliers for his mother's tavern back home in Salvar.

Well, maybe he would just one more when he was done with number two. He just wanted to relax in a place where he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Except, perhaps, that strange young woman next to him...

[Dineia]

Leaning against the bar, Dineia took a sip of her drink. She had just spent the last of her coin and she wasn’t having optimum fun yet. The man next to her seemed a curious target. Without much thought, she downed the rest of her ale and slammed the mug on the table before turning to the tavern master. She put on her act then and smiled brightly. “Well it seems I’ma done ‘ere,” She said in a drunken manner while she wobbled backwards. She walked around the man beside her, stumbling the entire time. When she had passed to the side closest to the door she let herself fall into him landing rather intimately against him.

“Oh dear,” She said biting her lip innocently. She laughed then as she stared up into his face. “I’ma terrible s’rry.” She said not moving one bit from where she was. Her hand had innocently found it’s way to his belt. “Could ya give me a ‘and,” She said after a moment.

[Christoph]

"Oh! Are you all right, miss," asked Chris, his chivalrous side taking over for the moment. As he helped her back to her feet. "Here... careful." Then Chris noticed something odd about her behavior. He'd worked in a tavern for years; he knew the behavior of drunks better than anyone. There was something off about the way this woman moved and spoke.

"Miss... what are you doing?" he asked, looking at her with a raised eyebrow, filled with suspicion. She was good, he admitted, and would have fooled almost anyone. Her drunken demeanor wasn't quite consistant enough for his trained eye. What stunt was she trying to pull?

[Dineia]

He knows what I am doing she suddenly thought in a panic but didn't drop her guard of her expression. Maybe if she kept up her act he wouldn’t notice or maybe even second guess himself. “Well it seems as if I’ma fallin’ n’ I need teh get up.” She said as she started to struggle against him. At the same time her hand nimbly worked the string on his coin purse until she had it open. When she finished she quickly grabbed the contents while at the same time adding distance between them. “I ‘onestly be needin’ some rest I s’pose.” She said as she stumbled to the door. She pretended to straighten her clothes while slipping the coins into her own purse. I’m almost there, she thought to herself as she made an effort to open the door.

[Christoph]

Chris groaned as the woman climbed off of him. Only the two ales that he'd finished kept him from experiencing total disgust. What did she even want he asked himself with a sigh as she stumbled for the door. An instinctive sweep of his hand across his belt answered that question.

He didn't burst out in anger, however. Instead, he rose slowly and picked up his leather pack, sword wrapped in cloth and strapped on to it. He was thankful that he'd already paid for his drinks before the theif had robbed him. Still, there was no way that she was getting away with it. He walked up behind her as she began opening the door.

"Excuse me, miss," said Chris, an unsettlingly casual malice in his voice. "But you seem to have something of mine."

[Dineia]

Dineia had almost made it out of the door as the man she had lightened of purse came to stand behind her. She turned to him with a smile and pushed the door open with her back. “Your interest perchance?” She started with a sparkle in her eye. “I’m sorry but I don’t entertain on Saturdays.” There was no way she was going to give him back the money. She desperately needed it. If only until she could find a better mark. “Now my mother works full time at the brothel. Maybe you can find what you are looking for there.” She finished realizing that she had lost her drunken act completely. Without another word she backed out of the tavern entirely ready to bolt. This isn't working very well, she thought to herself realizing that her charm wasn't working as well as it should have been.

[Christoph]

"Ouch..." Chris could hardly believe what she'd just said. Her wit seemed as harsh as it was sharp. Even so, the allure of an attractive woman tended to fall to the side when said woman just stole your money. At least, that's the way Chris looked at it. He followed after her as she began to step out. His voice was calm and barely above a whisper, but stern and commanding. "Now, give me my gold back. I really don't want trouble right now." He held out his hand and narrowed his eyes. It was likely that she would try to take off at any moment, and Chris was prepared to pursue if need be to get his gold back. How was he supposed to pay for the supplies shipment for his mother's tavern without it?

[Dineia]

She was in trouble now, but she needed the money. “I’m sorry but why would you think I would want to steal somebody’s money? Besides, you seem to be well enough, it is likely you have more where it came from. Maybe it fell onto the floor.”

She hated the feeling of being cornered and confronted and knew the man wouldn’t buy it so easily. Playing defeat, she grabbed one of the purses at her side. “Look, here you go.” She said as she tossed it into the air and started to walk calmly away. What she didn’t hint at was that the contents were nothing more then scrap metal. It was one of her ploys to get away. The leather purse had just the right amount of metal measured to make it feel and sound just like a coin purse. She just needed to round the corner and she could easily get away from him.

[Christoph]

Wait... what, Chris questioned, keeping his eyes locked on her. There's no way that it would be that easy. He caught the pouch and knew immediately that it was a trick. A quick squeeze told him that it was nothing but random pieces of metal. Oh, you're good... but you're not going to win this time.

He walked briskly after her, steadily closing the gap of distance between them. No worlds left his mouth, though. He was sure that the very second her yelled after her, she would take off. No, he needed to get closer if he was going to pursue her successfully.

[Dineia]

Almost there she said over and over in her head. She didn’t hear anything that would give away that he had already caught her trick. She easily maneuvered between the various people. It was starting to darken out and many of the folk had to get to their cozy little homes. All the better however for the more people the easier it was to lose someone. She saw the corner to the ally; the ally that she was the most familiar with. She quickly sidestepped around a passing couple and turned down the path. She still didn’t hear anything that would resemble anger or confrontation, which at this point of time meant that she was being pursued or her target was incredibly stupid and she didn’t believe it would be the latter. Her hand went quickly to her whip. She would wait until he confronted her.

Damn, I wanted to get away clean this time she thought to herself. She wasn’t prepared for a fight, but being alone all this time had taught her to hold her own in every aspect including fighting. As long as he wasn’t part of the guard that is. She wasn’t that great at fighting.

[Christoph]

"Finally decide to stop lying and running?" Chris asked as he approached her, his voice cross but still calm. "You're good, I'll admit. But you're not getting away with my money. Just give it back before this get out of hand."

His sword was in his hand. It was a dueling sword with a design similar to that of an epee', only with a slightly wider blade. It appeared very old, as it well should have. The polish lacked a strong luster and the edges didn't look particularly sharp. It's construction was very sturdy, however, and it's tip was as potent as every. He pointed his weapon at her as he entered the alley, his arm outstretched like a fencer's.

[Dineia]

Great, I knew this would happen. “You really are persistent aren’t you? I hope you aren’t this way with your women.” She said as her grip tightened on the handle of the whip. She would have to move quickly. She hadn’t been oblivious to the sword that the man had in his possession and he probably was armed with it. It was all done in one swift motion and rather like a dance. She had unclipped her whip from her belt and spun around. The long coiled leather unwound and lay in a pool at her feet.

Just as she had predicted, he was armed with his sword. She noticed by the way his arm was outstretched that he probably didn’t have any idea how to fight against a whip. It only took a second to analyze the situation. She quickly flicked her wrist towards him and was satisfied with the wondrous crack that the leather made as it interacted with the air. The long end found home around his wrist and coiled up like a snake. “You really should have left me alone.” She continued as she pulled back and outwards to tighten the hold on his wrist. She hoped it would loosen his grip on his sword.

[Christoph]

Chris never saw it coming. His grip wasn't as tight as it would have needed to be in order to hang on to his sword. The whip wrapped around his blade before he could blink twice and the thief yanked it away and disarmed him before he even knew what had happened.

Finding himself no longer with a weapon in his hand was quite unnerving. His first reaction was to take a quick step back and unstrap his pack. There were chef knives and other things within his pack that he could use as an improvised weapon if he could only get the chance to fish them out. At that moment, however, the prospect of doing that seemed distant at best.

[Dineia]

She had successfully disarmed him. It usually wasn’t so easy, but maybe he wasn’t very good at fighting. She watched him carefully for any sort of offensive movement. She didn’t see any need to seriously hurt him, but he would have to agree to leave her be. “So will you leave me be now?” She asked cracking her whip once more for an intimidation factor. She had to hurry up and leave. The guards would probably start their patrols soon. Not only that, but someone could very easily see them and call for the guards. “Is it really worth all this trouble?” She asked though the question held merit to herself as well. She stood her ground with her legs braced apart. She wouldn’t be able to use her whip effectively if she were to start her retreat.

[Christoph]

Why isn't she attacking while I'm disarmed he wondered? He'd never met a thief with any kind of honor before. She must have some other motive, Chris decided. Either way, he would need to capitalize on it.

"No, I really can't just let you walk off with my money," replied Chris matter of factly. His pack was now at stomach level, held in his left hand. He reached in swiftly with his right, his hand finding the handle of his ten inch chef knife quickly, and plucking the blade out of the pack.

[Dineia]

Why didn’t he just give up? She wondered. That was when she saw his movement, a bit too late. He was armed once more, but at least it wasn’t a sword this time. She couldn’t rely on the same tactic as before because he was probably wiser now. “I see,” She said calmly though she didn’t feel nearly as calm.

If worse came to worse, she still had the three knives hanging at her belt. She pulled the whip back behind her and snapped it forward, not aiming for his arm this time but rather his left leg. The force of it made a hissing through the air as if the whip itself was talking. If she was lucky, the end would coil around his ankle and she could just throw him off balance. If not she would have to get serious.

[Christoph]

Chris was ready this time. He'd seen how whips work back home when wagons and occasional carriages made their way through his town. Now that he knew what he was dealing with, he could react accordingly.

He saw the whip crack in the air and hopped to the side. Unfortunately, due to a slight miscalculation, he didn't evade entirely. A jolt searing pain surged up his spine as the whip cut across the side his right leg. He resisted the urge to cry out, instead choosing to grit his teeth and bottle it up.

Chris took a rapid step toward the thief. Ignoring the pain in his right leg, he used it to brace himself as he stopped sharply to launch a kick as his assailant's abdomen.

[Dineia]

Dineia knew he would calculate his move and her luck had apparently run out. She had managed to injure him, but not to a crippling point. She was only slightly caught off guard by his quick retaliation as she herself dove rather than jumped to the side. His kick managed to land at her left shoulder. Lucky for her it didn’t have that much of a consequence, save for a dull ache and some increased momentum. She managed to delay any further injury by quickly turning her dive into a roll. She suddenly realized her problem as she stood. The wall had found its way to her back and the advantages of her weapon were quickly diminishing.

She immediately lashed out once more, flipping her wrist forward then pulling it back and repeating the motion in a figure eight manor. She hoped it would back him up a bit as well as add a few more lashes to his ungrateful hide.

[Christoph]

He was impressed by her agility; she was quick and got away from his kick more or less unharmed. Chris wasn't slow, either, though. He held his leather pack in front of him as a barrier between himself and the whip. His reasonably quick reaction ushered in a reminder of just how glad he was that he stopped at two ales. A third would have noticeably reduced his reaction speed and coordination.

Chris advanced on her briskly. His improvised shield helped protect him but his still got hit by a few a few that snaked around his barrier, cutting up his arms. One whip lash slashed across his jaw, leaving a thick streak of blood behind it.

But she was trapped... trapped in the dark and gloomy alley walls, which towered over them like a prison -- her prison. His knife gripped tightly in his fist, he neared her and prepared to strike, but was interrupted.

"You two!" a deep, commanding voice boomed from the entrance of the alley. "We're the city guards! Get against the wall, now! You're both under arrest!"

Son of a...

[Dineia]

His response to her defensive arc was unexpected. To think he would use his pack as a shield. There was no where to go now and she doubted he would let her go unharmed now. Ah crap she thought as her left hand fished around her belt for her knives. She wouldn’t be able to throw them but she could still wield them, though awkwardly.

"You two!" She heard from the entrance to the ally. "We're the city guards! Get against the wall, now! You're both under arrest!" It’s not like I am not already against the wall she thought to herself. Maybe I can make them think I was just trying to defend myself. That was her initial thought, but then she realized one of the guards was one of her victims. If he got any closer he would probably recognize her. She turned her attention back to the man who had just noticed the guard as well.

”You may not want to listen, but maybe we should run. I know where we can hide and I can lead you through the dark ally.” She said hoping that he would forget about killing her and agree that they were both in trouble at the moment. The guards generally hated disturbances and this most definitely was a disturbance.

[Christoph]

"Damn, it's not like I have a choice," he whispered as the sound of heavy footsteps and rustling chain mail echoed closer and closer in alley. He dropped his knife back into his back and scooped up his sword. The latter action seemed to anger the guards.

"Drop you weapon!" Chris risked a glance over and saw five in all, each of them armed with swords and shields. Guards practically had licences to kill during war times, and he was not going to risk sticking around to talk things over with the,.

"Lead the way."

She was good.

[Storm Veritas]

Nice little battle, and welcome to Althanas! I enjoyed reading this short battle. My scoring is criticism intensive, and not by accident. Since you two clearly understand the fundamental facets of writing, I just want to point out some of the stuff that can make your work even better. Although this style isn’t common on Althanas, it clearly shows skill, and some minor modifications can really boost the end numbers.

I was happy to read this match of two clearly skilled writers, although there are several elements in this style of writing that really hurts your score. The entire pacing of most Althanas stories is much slower – each post can be treated like an event. I think that the very short, very succinct postings were well written, but lacked the detail and bite that you two are clearly capable of delivering.

This style reads very easily, but isn’t as interesting as a more story-riddled work. I think that while this is easier for the writers, a longer format would allow you to draw in the readers. Remember – writing is ALL about the readers, particularly when it comes to scoring.

The scores are outlined by Chris’s score first, and Dineia’s score second.

Storyline

Continuity: 4/3 It is difficult to introduce a reason that you’re here without unnecessary back story, but there still has to be some sort of orientation. Cristoph had a brief explanation for his character’s existence, but Dineia really could have used a little more detail. Why you were there, what you were doing, and what pushed her to start stealing. Things like that early on make it easier to deal with.

Setting: 5/4. There were some very nice descriptions that pulled me into the story, especially early on. While I was pleased with this, and don’t like redundant, bludgeoning detail, it seemed like it was purely perfunctory descriptions. Remember that interacting with your environments is critical!

Pacing: 3/4 Consistent, but much too fast. In several posts, essentially nothing happened between the two of you. In these cases, the opponent is hamstrung, because they have no fair/polite course of action. Don’t be afraid to plan out your posts a little more carefully, or coordinate strategy with your partner via PM.

Character

Dialogue: 7/6 You two were both strong with dialogue, using it to progress the plot AND convey emotion effectively. I was quite pleased with what I saw.

Action: 5/7 Again, I was happy with the action, although Chris’s inaction was at times annoying. You made big events out almost nothing, not an easy task, and I was very happy to see the course of events play out here.

Persona: 5/5 This is traditionally a difficult field for newer characters, but I think you both handled yourselves well. I wasn’t blown away by either character, but both sufficiently conveyed a distinctive “feel” for their characters that is really necessary for plot progression.

Writing Style

Mechanics: 6/5 Slightly better than average, but not removed from a few typos. The formatting around your thoughts, quotes, and dialogue is also inconsistent in both characters. You two are at a very similar skill level (or effort level?) here: quite good, could be improved with more meticulous editing.

Techniques: 4/4 A little bit bland here. I didn’t see much in the way of analogies, metaphors, allusion, foreshadowing, etc. It wasn’t completely plain, but perhaps engaging in some symbolism or using some other similar elements would add a bit of depth to the work.

Clarity: 8/8 Very good. Had no problem whatsoever understanding what was going on.

Wild Card: 5/5 A very good early battle for your characters. You can quite easily expand on what you’ve done, but I’m happy to see a strong start for both of you.

Scores
Cristoph – 52
Dineia - 51

Spoils
Cristoph receives 475 EXP and 100 gold
Dineia receives 250 EXP and 100 gold

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!