Omega's freedom. (Closed to Omegastar, sherin, Vamrsh Skylare, and Seth Rahl)

[Camella]

Sorry for the lame title, I couldn't think of anything better.

Camella sat stunned. It was odd, really. Until recently, she had assumed that she had finally put her past behind her and she wouldn't have to deal with anyone from her past anymore because they had all been killed, and as far as she could tell, and she was right in that respect, but she never imagined that her past would come back to haunt her in another way, but there it was in front of her. In a newspaper she had bought off the street, there appeared to be an article on the lab in which she had been 'born'.


BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

A man was found dead today in a deserted lab out in the middle of nowhere. It appears that he died over a year ago, but the only clues to how he died are notes on some inhumane experiments he was working on and a ton of slash marks all over his body. The only other thing of interest in the lab was a deed to another lab that he owned somewhere between the cities of Lilith and Skolti.

There was more to the article, but Camella had read enough. She really wanted to put the past behind her, but in order to even attempt to do that, she had to travel to the lab that the deed spoke of. So she began the long walk to the lab, unaware of the dangers that would await her once she arrived.

[sherin]

Sherin had just herd of the science lab from a wandering merchant and thought it would be an interesting thing to check out, and Shensho had been fuming that they weren’t making much headway on their travels.

Sherin had been traveling for a few days now when he finally found a town to rest for a little bit and get some more info on this lab.

Sherin didn’t even need to open his mouth to gain all the info he needed because Shensho had just peeked into their minds and glean the info that way.

After a short rest in the town’s only tavern he headed on to the lab.

After a few hours more of traveling he had reached the lab, the entrance to the place was well hidden the only reason he found it was because Shensho sensed it nearby.

The weather of this region was abysmal and not what Sherin was used to… it was way to cold for his liking, he thought as he entered the lab.

The lab was a very depressing place, it seemed like a tornado had torn through, there was paper, and other miscellaneous objects lying around and even a few body’s.

The first door he had found led to a room that had two large tubes on the wall, and they had some weird creatures in them.

‘Kill them, Sherin, it would be mercy to these humans.’ Shensho said in sadness.

A tear ran down Sherin’s cheek as he struck the killing blow.

“May god in all his mercies return you to your bodies and let you dwell with him forever.”

Then continued on his way.

[Omegastar]

((the other two if still interested can join after my turn in posting so they don’t interfere with order.

EDIT: Fixed the parts where i accidently called Omega Max))

Omega woke with a start! The pain was excruciating, his brothers were hurt severly or if not already dead. Omega couldn’t just stand there his brothers needed his help, He kicked down the glass to his tube only to have poisonous gas flow into his tube. The gas entered his nose and at that time Omega knew what type of gas this was.

”Inceneration GAS!” Omega screamed as he kicked down the wall that was infront of his tube as he was about to flash step away he saw several blades along the wall, one was his own blade Ferin’Sha, and the others belonged to his brothers which he could now see were dead in their tubes a single blade strike through the glass into the heads of his brothers.

“Who ever did this will die by my hand and my hand alone if anyone gets in my way I will slaughter them also!” Omega screamed as he ran over and grabbed all the blades off the wall and then flash stepped outside of the Lab into an open field. At that moment an explosion went off inside the Lab sending debris and shockwaves everywhere.

”Hmm seems its gotten a bit sloppy around here. Omega thought as threw the blades onto the ground, as several more shockwaves continued to go increasing in strength. ”hmm a normal human would have died to some of these.” Omega thought as the shockwaves stopped

“Now time to see which blades are of decent make.” Omega said out loud as he unsheathed one revealing a deep dark blue blade that started glowing a light sky blue as he touched it. “Ahh, there you are, my old friend.” Omega said as he clasped the sheath to his belt and unsheathed another one.

This one was weird it was black and to his touch glowed a purple and the blade started vibrating. “Ahh, Gamma’s sword, As strong as ever.” He smirked and threw that onto his back under his cloak.

Another sword stuck out to him it looked as though the sheath itself was absorbing the nearby light. He reached down and picked it up and unsheathed it. It went an amazing multi-color sword that gave off light. “Haha!” Omega started as he started laughing uncontrollably.

When he sheathed the sword he threw the sword and sheath behind him. For the reason of the blade was ‘Rejecting him’ within moments he had his own sword on his side and 5 more hidden under his cape all the other had rejected him and so they were stuck in various tree’s and rocks. Only ones the blade ‘Accepted’ could pull it free.

Then Omega felt an amazing pain inside his chest almost as if being stabbed from behind. He fell to one knee as he screamed in pain and a solid blue orb encompassing him completely increasing the air pressure around him slightly that wouldn’t affect anyone that went under endurance or agility training but would normal human’s.

((hope fully you two can write sufficient posts to this one haha))

[Camella]

Camella arrived at the lab. It was insane. The lab was in horrible condition in some places, but it was in mint condition in others. A wall seemed to have recently crumbled from some sort of explosion and there was the smell of inceneration gas coming from the inside. Other parts of the wall seemed to have nary a scratch on them.

If Camella had read the full article, she would know that the reason for this was that the authorities had given the go-ahead for an extermination squad to destroy any experiments that remained in the lab. They had heard how dangerous all of the scientist's other experiments were, and the decided not to take any chances after they found this lab.

But Camella did not read the full article, so she did not know these things. All she knew was that someone had entered forcefully, met resistance, and used inceneration gas to attempt to take out the opposition.

Still, Camella suspected that the opposition was one of the scientist's experiments. It would only make sense, after all. If that was the case, and she could get him in her debt, her life would be a lot easier.

Yes, I know that that is not exactly the way things went, but Camella doesn't.

Her mind was made up. She held her breath and headed in. There was noone on the first floor. The second floor was filled with members of the extermination squad. Camella turned invisible and snuck past them. The third floor had a few members of the extermination squad and one person with orange hair who looked like he was in serious pain.

Camella was almost sure that this was the experiment, so she attempted to scoop him up and jump through the only possible exit, the window. If it had looked like he would have been able to make it on his own, she would have asked him to follow her, but drastic times called for drastic measures.

Unfortunately, she was unable to pick him up. Instead Camella undid her invisibility, broke open the window (so that the gas had somewhere to go,) exhaled, looked over at the experiment, and got ready for a long battle.

"I'm here to help you."

[sherin]

Sherin had just made it out of the lab when it exploded.

“Shit that was close.” He causally looks around and watches as a man looks through a bunch of swords, suddenly one goes flying right in front of Sherin, it was an amazing blade even from within the scabbard, ‘I wonder why the man threw this blade away?’ Sherin thinks, as he lifts it to inspect the blade it’s self.

‘Sentari’ Shensho mutters.

‘Hmm… what did you just say?’ Sherin inquires.

‘Oh nothing, just thinking.’

‘What ever.’ And continues to inspect the beautiful blade.

Right next to Sherin, he spots another amazing blade, it was massive! The rock it was imbedded in was at least 2 feet thick and it still had a foot of blade on either side still open, the blade was 5 feet long.

“HOLY SHIT!” and tries to see if he could budge it, and falls over in surprise when it just slides right out.

Suddenly the man starts to cry out loud in pain as a solid blue orb surrounds the man.

‘stay still, if you try to help him the blue orb will kill you.’ Shensho yells, as Sherin starts toward the man.

"Shit" sherin mutters and waits to see what is happening.

[Omegastar]

Omega Didn't Understand what was going on. it felt like he was dieing but too what? an attack of some sort? he had no idea.

When The Orb around Omega dispersed he wasn't in the robes he had on a few mins ago. it was slightly tighter to him and he had bandages wrapping around him everywhere except his Head.

"What the hell just happened?" omega said as he got up and noticed he spoke with two voices instead of his original.

he looked up to see a man with two blades. one sentari Beta's, his experiment brother's, blade. and then he noticed erom Beta's second blade. he then looked at the face of the man and it was almost IDENTICAL to Beta's face.

"BETA! how are you" Omega said as he ran to 'Beta'

[Camella]

Camella was unsure about how to take this most recent development. This man seemed to have not heard her. Somebody that the man was calling Beta had appeared and something was not right with the man's voice. At the moment, Camella seemed to get a bad vibe from both men. She wasn't about to run away before destroying the lab and rescuing the man.

Instead, Camella pulled out her daggers just in case they were to attack her.

"Listen you two. We may have some trouble coming. Would you mind saving the reunion for later?"

[sherin]

Sherin gave the man a confused look.

"Beta? Who's Beta?" Sherin asks.

Shensho ,un-noticed by Sherin rams into the mans mind.

"OMEGA!!! YOU TELL HIM ABOUT BETA I'LL KILL YOU!! IF I WANTED HIM TO KNOW I WOULD TELL HIM MY SELF!!" Shensho cries into omegas mind.

Sherin having not heard what Shensho Just said turns to the woman, and smiles.

"Trouble???" Sherin asks.

[Omegastar]

"Well Hello Shensho how goes it?" Omega asked as he slowed to a slow paced walk and continued walking towards 'Beta'.

"We may have some trouble coming" a woman said as she jumped out of the lab.

"Well looks like the only trouble we have is that" Omega said as the Lab behind the unknown female blew up. "and by the way my names Omega the perfect experiment of my creator 'Jishibosh'. and you 'Beta' are His second and overall flawed. YOU! are my blood and experiment brother. i Shall Teach you later. For now i must rest."

Omega said as he took off his 5 blades and sat down.

[Camella]

Camella looked behind her. That explosion was not her doing. She was happy to see the building being destroyed, but she would prefer if it collapsed when she was on the outside of it. What she saw were more soldiers from the extermination squad came pouring in ready to kill anything that moved.

"I knew there would be trouble coming. There were bound to be reinforcements sooner or later. Anyway, I highly doubt that Heroni Jishibosh was happy with his creation of you, Omega. I know this because later on, he created me. Don't believe me? It is doubtful I would know his full name otherwise. He died right in front of my eyes, by the way, making it impossible for me to be one of his later creations."

Please note that at this point Camella had to lie through her teeth to avoid getting on Omega's bad side.

"The guys who killed him are the same as the guys out there. I almost died in the chaos myself. That is how I knew they would come. They want to destroy everything he stands for."

[sherin]

Sherin gave the man an annoyed look, "What the hell are you talking about? My name is Sherin... Not Beta..." Sherin pauses for a second, "How do you know about Shensho? I don't tell anyone about him?..." Sherin asks a little confused.

'Shensho...have you ever met this man before?' Sherin asks Shensho mentally becoming very confused about what is happening, but just gets a grunt in response.

Sherin sighs and sits down with a humph then decides to take a quick nap.

[Omegastar]

Omega smirked as 'Beta' went for a nap, and omega muttered something about typical 'beta' as he started walking over towards the 'Unknown' Female.

"You claim to be the Last Creation by Hironi Jishibosh, then what abilities did he give you? obviously not Flash Step or a blade with a soul embedded in it." Omega said as he flashed beside the female and put his arm around her.

and at that moment something sent off a warning signal in his head and he flashed over to his blades and sheathed them as fast as he could as he yelled at the female to get ready and the same at 'Beta'. he unsheathed one sword that was a deep deep blue and almost glowed.

[Camella]

Camella laughed at omega's comment. Was he mocking her or was he truly curious? She didn't know and she didn't care. her answer was the same either way.

"Yeah, yeah. Those are nice techniques, but honestly, I like my techniques better. Watch this." Camella turned invisible and grabbed a smoke grenade from the belt of one of the soldiers storming in, immediately tossing it back at them and, using the smoke as cover, changing her color to gray so as to blend in with the smoke. Afterwords, Camella went in and slaughtered the whole first wave of the foe, using the smoke as camouflage.

Camella backed away calmly and nodded to omega as the second wave came in.

"Top that."

[Omegastar]

Omega tipped his head back and laughed, as he told Ferin'Sha to show off his skills.

"Don't Worry Woman, i wont let them harm you." Omega said jokingly as he Flashstepped three feet infront of the first one and slashed his head off as he flashed and slashed them all down, and as he was about to decapitate the last one a huge blue beam erupted from his sword made a HUGE gouge in the ground. Omega was then Drained and barely flashed back to his woman ally, he then glanced over to 'Beta' and saw 4-5 Bandits about to slash him.

[sherin]

(OH YAH JUST POST BEFORE ME WHY DON'T YA?)

Sherin was fast asleep as the bandits attack him, but that didn't matter because Shensho was always looking out for Sherin and moved his body accordingly to dodge each attack and even throw a few attacks back at them all the while screaming at Sherin to wake up, when Sherin finally awoke 2 bandits where out cold, he was lying on his back and his foot had just slammed into another bandits face knocking him 3 feet backwards into unconsciousness. Sherin was on his feet in an instance with his new longsword drawn and ready, 'Shensho...what in the world is going on here?' Sherin asks quickly. 'Sherin, these men are trying to kill us for seeing the inside of the lab...they also want to kill the poor woman over there, finish these evil men quickly so we may be gone from here quickly.' Shensho responds quickly. (this all happened in the span on a second...) Sherin gives the last 2 bandits apologetic looks before tearing into them meticulously and with a few impossibly fast strikes both where clutching their cut throats, dying.

Sherin looks to the other two and smiles a almost child like smile, "so when are we gonna go to a town, I'm starving."

[Camella]

Camella looked back at Sherin, "I personally don't care when we get back to town, I have my personal reasons for trying to avoid those places. Anyplace is better than here, though." Camella then turned to Omega. "What, do you remember about Hironi Jishibosh? He have any other safe havens that we could go to? We might be able to find more help to fight these guys, as well as more clues to why these guys are here if we were to head to another of his labs."

Camella hoped she sounded convincing. Yes, she wanted to know if there were any other labs, but only so she could destroy them and permanently erase Hironi Jishibosh from her past.

[Omegastar]

Omega Smirked as he closed his eyes and tried to remember anything about Hironi Jishibosh. Then it came back to him, She was the one that Killed his Creater his 'Father' in a way. and Omega was right there when she did kill him.

"YOU!" Omega Screamed as he flashed three feet from behind her grabbed her one arm and put his sword to her throaght. "You killed my Father Hironi Jishibosh i was RIGHT there fighting off his other experiments."

Omegapushed his sword closer to her throaght if he put any more pressure it might of cut her.

The Bandits were still coming at them and so Omega gave them a menacing look and yelled right beside her ear "Beta Teach these MotherF'ing Bandits who they're dealing with"

He then lowered his voice and asked The woman he was holding, what buisness she had killing Hironi Jishibosh and what buisness she had with his Safe Havens. which were clearly none of her buisness.

[sherin]

Sherin gives omega a quick annoyed look, "My name is not Beta, it's Sherin, and please put your blade away, the woman isn't your enemy." he says even as he launches his old sword at the charging bandits.

Sherin's blade goes flying through the air and spears through one of the advancing bandits. a number of the other bandits visually slow their charge, fear twisting in their hearts at the accuracy of the throw.

"Now can we just finish these guys and go get something to eat?" Sherin almost begged.

[Camella]

"You know, Sherin is only half right." Camella said bravely, "He is also only half wrong. Yes, I did kill Hironi Jishibosh, and the reason is simple. I was his captive and his slave. I was nothing but an experimental test subject to him. Unlike you, I didn't belong in a scientist's lab. I swear I am telling the truth when I say that I wouldn't have killed him if I didn't need to. Now, about the reason I am here. Originally I actually came to destroy this laboratory and put the past behind me, but as soon as I realized there were actually living beings here, I found myself defending this place. I am on your side, for now. If you still want to kill me, do so AFTER we escape this place. I am not your enemy at the moment. I might be in the future, though. I now have two reasons to find Jishibosh's labs. I want to rescue any trapped experiments that may be there as well as destroy all traces of Hironi Jishibosh, with the exception of his trapped experiments, so will you please put me down? You are not on my hit list, yet. These guys are, though."

Camella threw a knife with her free hand at an enemy who was about to attack Omega, and hit the man in the arm. She meant to hit him in the heart, but he still dropped his weapon.

"You know, it is a bit hard to attack enemies that are sneaking up on you if you are holding on to me." Camella stated.

[Omegastar]

Omega was surprised the he didn't sense the guy sneaking up behind him, but still she had a point though. Omega couldn't do anything besides release her. so as he released her he spun and slit the mans throaght.

"there is one difference between us though that hironi jishibosh made for a reason. he made me as his ultimate assasin able to blend in with any crowd. i can flashstep in and out of battles. and i can do this!" Omega said as he swung his sword down in just air releasing his huge blue attack leaving a gouge in the ground and a quite a few attackers dead.

"now shall we get moving to the last safe haven we can get too."

[sherin]

Sherin having grown very annoyed with the pointless argument went to retrieve his sword and kill some more of the annoying bandits that where preventing him from getting to a nearby town as such stopping him from eating…it’s been almost 2 days since he last ate so he’s starving…he would have made something for himself but…he cant cook…

‘looks like there finally made some peace between each other…’ Shensho growls in annoyance.

“good now we can go eat.” Sherin responds cheerfully, as he finishes another bandit, then chearfully runs over to them, "shall we go?"

[Camella]

"Look, he created us differently, and that is alll there is to be said on the topic. Yes, you are better at actual fighting, but an assassin, you aren't. I'll explain what I mean later. right now, let's just get out of here." Camella said as she jumped out the window, landing on the shoulders of one of five soldiers standing guard just outside the building, and, after thrusting a dagger down into the shoulder blade of the man underneath her in order to keep her balance, Camelle jumped tto the ground.

"You two coming?"

[Omegastar]

Omega Scowled He hated running from a fight, but what she said was true. And it looked like ‘Beta’ was hungry and as always was very impatient. So he jumped down in front of the Woman Smirked and shot a Blue wave of energy at Approaching Bandits, Cutting them in two.

“Well let’s go shall we” Omega said as he started running into the forest away from the bandits. But he couldn’t help thinking that the woman looked a lot like the last experiment he remembered Hironi making, but yet it was not the skill set they had discussed about.

Omega figured their was certain circumstances come up that he wasn’t able to tell Omega about in time before his death, and so creating a warrior that he had no knowledge of.

After a few minutes of running in the forest, Omega set up a camp with a little fire and then went to search out ingredients for dinner, seeing as he hadn’t eaten in a few hundred years.

[sherin]

Sherin was glad to see that the two were not fighting anymore, but their conversation made no sense to him at all. It was like listening to a conversation in another language for him. Shensho wouldn't explain what they where talking about either, which was very rare.

Upon seeing the cooking fire get set up Sherin's stomach growls, Sherin can't cook, so he quite normally goes without food for long periods at a time, as he travels from town to town.

"I hope that either of you can cook cause i can't." Sherin coments as he sits and waits for some food.

[Camella]

(Sorry it took so long. I haven't been able to get into my Camella mindset until recently)

Camella looked up, looked around and then frowned. She had two companions with her that she didn't know if she could trust, and no food that didn't need to be cooked.

"Are you kidding? I never knew how to cook. Been mainly dependent on others for my food, I can, however, hunt. Personally, I'd like to know what each of your stories are, while we're here. I'll admit, I'm afraid to tell you my whole story, but I'm mainly there to put my past behind me."

[Omegastar]

Omega ratherd not share his story so he flash stepped out of the camp into the forest to find something etable to eat, either berries or wild game, after a while he found some wild herbs, and a small family of rabbits, he flashstepped infront of them and stabbed eachone through the head.

he then grabbed them by their ears and walked back to the camp, while growling, he hated this woman,

"she claims she's the best creation by my master? there is no way, i was the last creation, unless ... Alpha!!" Omega Flash stepped back to the camp, and through the rabbits at beta's feet, "Your Alpha! i knew it! you were the first creation not the last"

Omega said as he walked to camella

((ooc yes Omega has some issue's refering to people as other experiments such as himself))

[sherin]

Sherin looked at his two...friends? as they bickered slightly, Sherin had no problem with telling about his past, but if no one else had an interest in sharing then he had every intention of sharing everything, and he did so, but ended mostly talking to himself.

Shensho had some serious problems with Omega but wasn't about to share them with Sherin or anybody else for that matter, so instead turned his attention to the two swords Sherin had picked up, he recognized the shorter of the two instantly, and wasn't happy.

Sherin wrapped up his introduction and want ahead and started to care for his new swords, happy as can be, but every few secconds his stomach would growl reminding him of how long it's been since he last ate.

[Witchblade]

Storyline

Continuity: - 2 What Continuity? I spent the majority of this thread exceedingly confused as to what was going on. I think in the end I’ve figured out that all three of your characters as experiments, your creator is dead, the labs are being destroyed by... some soldiers (or was it bandits?) from some extermination squad that no one ever explained. I have no idea where these quest is going from here since another lab was mentioned, but they never got there. Also, Jishibosh’s reasons for even creating them were never touched upon. Is Camella really Alpha? What about Sherin being Beta? There are a lot of unanswered questions in this thread.

Setting: - 1 What setting? I believe works like ‘lab, forest and town’ were thrown around a lot, but that’s not setting. You three really need to start describing what’s going on around your characters. They’re no floating there in space, they’re walking on something, what is it? Is it soft from a recent rain, or hard from drought? Is there a wind? Can you smell the flames from the exploding laboratory behind you? Feel the heat your back? A setting is not merely a portrait upon which you paint, but a stage upon which your characters play. They need something to interact with to make them real.

Pacing: - 2 The thread was all over the place. I couldn’t tell up from down and left from right. The beginning starts off with some breaking news development (how did the newspaper get this information?) and quickly spirals down into an exploding laboratory, soldiers and random meetings of characters. Not to mention the bandits that appeared out of nowhere. Honestly, bandits? You don’t think all the soldiers at the exploding laboratory would make them think twice about appearing for whatever purpose they wanted? You guys need to give your NPC’s more credit, they’re only stupid if you make them stupid.

On top of all of this, what kind of ending was that? It just leaves off in the middle of a conversation between your characters. There’s no wrapping up, no conclusion at all. Camella never even responded as to whether or not she is the Alpha.

Character

Dialogue: - 3.5 Camella, I have noticed that your dialogue is getting better than some of the stuff I’ve read from you a while ago. Keep up the good work and keep trying to improve. Try not to have Camella say things just for the simple purpose and advancing the story quickly. When you do that, it seems drastically out of character for Camella. A good example of this was when Camella said: ‘I’m afraid to tell you my whole story...’ That just seems grossly out of her character. Camella would never admit to being afraid, especially to people she has known for about five minutes.

Sherin, whenever Shensho is talking inside of your character’s head, you should try italicizing the words so the reader knows they’re not aloud. To italicize on the board you need to do [ I ] [ /I ], without the spaces between the [ and I of course. Try not to have Sherin or Shensho say things are so clichéd. Omegastar, the same thing goes for you. Your character says things unnecessarily. It’s almost like you’re having him say things just to fill space on the page so your posts aren’t so long.

Action: - 0 Every single one of you power gamed your characters in this thread. Camella, I have told you time and time again that you can’t just have your character run up and slaughter an entire force of trained soldiers. You’re not God, and you’re only level 0. Your character’s strength is roughly equivalent to theirs, you merely have some interesting abilities. That does not mean you can go in and just cut them down like they’re straw dummies, especially without getting a scratch on you. This also applies to Omega and Sherin! Omega, you cannot use skills or abilities that aren’t in your profile. Omega didn’t learn anything in this thread, you didn’t request a spoil of a skill at the end, but your character was running around using blue beams of death on anything in his way. Sherin, try not to have your character fall asleep for no reason around two strangers that could slit his throat while he’s passed out. Also, Shensho (or should I call your familiar Shosen like in your registration?) cannot control your character’s body because he has no skill that states he can do that.

Persona: - 2 I barely got to understand any of the characters in this quest. There was no character development, there was barely anything in here. Just three of you seemingly (and strangely) all reunited at some laboratory that’s exploding. I understand very little of how your characters are and react to certain things besides enjoying cutting down soldiers like standing trees.

Writing Style

Mechanics: - 2 All three of you have numerous spelling and grammatical errors. You need to reread your posts and use word so that you can have a spelling and grammar check before you post. Camella, this is from your first paragraph in you very first post: “Until recently, she had assumed that she had finally put her past behind her and she wouldn't have to deal with anyone from her past anymore because they had all been killed, and as far as she could tell, and she was right in that respect, but she never imagined that her past would come back to haunt her in another way, but there it was in front of her.” That’s a run-on sentence. Sherin, in your first post you mentioned Sherin’s name six times. That’s a lot. Try to find something else to call Sherin, warrior, wanderer, adventurer...etc. The more something is mentioned, the more the reader will be negatively attracted to it.

Also, every sentence does not need a new paragraph.

New paragraphs are started when it’s a new subject.

Am I making my point?

Omega, you have run-on sentences, all three of you have issues when it comes to capitalizing the beginning of a sentence, especially if its dialogue and you definitely have spelling mistakes. None of you are going to improve very much if you don’t start using a grammar and spell checker.

Technique: - 2 Try using the full name for something, instead of just calling it a lab, call it a laboratory. It sounds better. Also, Camella, I never, ever want to see you put an OOC comment in the middle of a post again. Put it at the end or the beginning, otherwise you’re breaking up the writing and throwing the reader out of the moment, bringing them back to reality. Omega, don’t say Motherf’ing. Althanas has no profanity filter, you can say mother fucking if it’s within your characters personality. Just try not to fill your posts with such profanity, use it wisely.

Clarity: - 3 Clarity suffered because of all of the spelling and grammar mistakes, making the posts hard to follow. Not to mention the story itself seemed like a ten minute concoction that no one put much of any thought into to explain any of the circumstances. If you’re going to have soldiers, use some kind of device to explain why they’re there. If there’s a lab, add in some kind of background about the laboratory. The reader needs, wants and craves information and it’s your job to give it to them and make it interesting.

Wild Card: - 3 Camella, I have seen some improvement with your writing and I’m really happy to see that. I’m sure if the three of you continue to work hard at it, your writing will grow and improve more and more.

Total: 20.5

Rewards:

Camella receives 130 experience and 150 GP!
Omegastar receives 130 experience and 150 GP!
Sherin receives 130 experience and 150 GP!

Spoils:

None of you asked for any of the weaponry you picked up in the quest, nor did you ask for any new techniques, thus you do not receive anything from this thread.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.

Camella is now level 1! Congrats!