The Autumn Tint of Gold

[Aryr de Morte]

Closed to Seraphima. Here is my meager attempt at a poem style post. Hers will probably be better.
Beauty at its best
Bright leaves in warm hues falling
Large oaks line the ditch
Their grace and might unrivaled
Fragile to mankind
Their strength can be broken down
The saws are screechy
Walking down the beaten path
A soldier who is lonely


Boots clank on the ground
Violet garb is flowing
Hairs blowing softly
In his face do they venture
A bright colored shield
A splendid tint of golden
It brings him glory
The pride he puts in his art
The horrid art of killing

A graceful woman
Wielding a stick quite lengthy
Walking with her dog
The beauty he yearns to hold
Thoughts of his home come
A flood so dearly greeted
He thinks of his love
Her name hardly remembered
He falls to his knees and cries

Looking up quickly
The man begins to observe
A black puppy
Much bigger than a large rock
Dizziness attacks
No feeling in his limbs stays
The man starts to sway
Feeling at total ease, he
Quickly falls unconsciously

[Seraphima]

Yes, that's right, for your viewing pleasure, a tanka chain! This style is choti, or the long form of the poem. Also, this post is kinda bad, since I haven't worked with poetry in like forever.

Cane tapping softly
Upon the firm autumn soil,
Her path goes forward
While her dog takes her away.
Leaving Scara Brae,
That city of frustration
What little she has
Will have to sustain the two
Until she could find something.

Darkness unending
Meant an unshakable peace.
Appreciation
For all the could not be seen,
The fresh smell of grass,
Tingling music of water,
Rough wall under hand.
A high virtue this blindness
But also terrible curse.

With only her dog
Who had thick and warm fur,
She lived quietly,
Sans another human soul.
Her joy was to sit
Near the fountain, listening
To wind and water.
But even the blind must pay
To have a roof overhead.

Working without sight.
To be honest, she had tried.
But what good blindness?
What skill in hands without eyes?
Without hope of work
There is no hope of living.
Each day a new friend,
Each day, gone with the cool winds.
Never a hope of future.

Now she feelingly
Walked her path, led by her dog.
The wind stirred her hair,
Smelling like trees, grass, and fields.
The sun warmed her face
As she carried all she had.
In the near distance
The sound of a man weeping
Sorrow for a loss un-told.

"Hello?" Tenative,
But sweet like an angel's kiss,
The maiden's soft voice.
Her head turned toward him, the man,
And she heard him fall.
"Maurizio, be my guide."
She found him quickly,
Dog and cane leading her there,
And she touched his face gently.

He was still breathing,
The unknown man she had found.
She could feel the tears
Still lingering on his face.
She dug through her pack,
Locating her water pouch.
Gently to his lips
She placed the mouth of the skin,
Giving the man a drink.

[Aryr de Morte]

Sweet water flowing
Into his lips does it come
So, so refreshing
Life anew begins to beat
In his love struck heart
Slowly his eyes open
In wonder and awe
To see this kindly woman
Helping him recover now

Platinum blonde hair
So brightly does it shine, in
this afternoon sun
The lady is bent over
He blinks and stares up
No eyes on her to speak of
A blindfold covers
What Aryr would like to see
Her face shining with beauty

The black dog licking
Suddenly the soldier jerks
Surprise gripping him
He jolts up and asks her name,
"What is your name dear?"
He pauses for an answer
Her skin is so soft
It gleams with beauty sweetly
In this autumn day's sun

The man stands up
Pride returning to him now
He wipes away tears
Which had fallen unduly
No reason to be
So sad over small matters
He looks around now
Seeing that little time passed
While he was lying soundless

He offers his aid
Lightly grabbing her hand, and
Gently helping her
Raising her from her knee, he
Stares at the girl
Seeing that she is blinded
A horrible curse
"My name is Aryr, thank you."
The man waits for a reply

[Seraphima]

A brief, tense moment
Before the man awakened.
Worry beat softly
But in the end all was well.
Maurizio licked
The man's face with its smooth skin.
She heard him sit up
And felt his eyes upon her.
She heard as he wiped his tears.

A silent moment
As he examined her face,
Saw her eyes covered,
Blindness her terrible place.
"What is your name, dear?"
He had a beautiful voice,
Calm like the spring wind.
Before she could answer him
He gently lifted her up.

For just a moment
She felt a prince held her hand.
Maurz rubbed against her,
Seeking her hand on his lead.
The man released her.
"My name is Aryr, thank you."
She took Maurz again,
Wondering who the man was,
Pride and agony in one.

Wait just a moment,
Her clear sweet voice will answer.
Here a mystery,
This chance meeting of strangers.
Now she smiles at him.
"My name is Seraphima."
Introduction done,
Pressing matters do present
Themselves to the woman's mind.

One moment to greet
Does not negate the man's faint.
"Do you feel well now?"
She asked of him softly.
"If you are ill, then
You should rest without troubles."
A nudge on her leg,
A reminder of her dog.
"Oh, this is Maurizio."

[Aryr de Morte]

The woman's concern
Was greatly welcomed, bowing
Though she could not see
The soldier answered quickly
"I am well, thank you."
Seeming to be excited
The dog nudges her
She is reminded of him
His name is Maurizio

Aryr bends down, to
Pet the dog, her companion
The friendly creature
Takes the rough hand of the man
As his slobber drips
Again looking at the girl
He peers at her face
Imagines the scar left on her
Much like his own, but of flesh

He had been thinking
Of his love back home, a lass
Named Nacidia
Her long, black hair flowing, so
Sweetly, so gently
Like the blonde hair before him
"Where are you going?
May I assist you in your,
venture?" The man turns around

The beaten path lies
Seemingly stretching miles
It would be too cruel
To leave her to walk alone
Despite aid from Maurz
He felt obligated, to
Help her on her way
To wherever she may go
And protect her from danger

[Seraphima]

"Where am I going?"
Sara laughed, softly, sweetly.
"To be honest, sir,
My eyes cannot tell me whence,
Nor how very far.
All I know is that I must
Be a wanderer.
The place from whence I just came
Had no place for a blind girl."

So she was going
Away from all that she knew.
With her possessions,
Toward a new freedom she flew.
It was a fool's hope
She really knew in her heart,
But a certain death,
All alone and forgotten
Was just not tolerable.

"Where am I going?"
She laughed again, then resumed.
"I do not quite know...
But if you wish to come too,
We will welcome you.
Company is rare, you see."
She turned to go on,
And a frown crossed her sweet face.
"Which way did we come from, Maurz?"

Where was she going?
A slight turn had lost her way.
Unable to see,
She found she had gone astray.
A turn to her left?
Or was it a turn to her right?
A common blind plight
In a place unfamiliar
A single lost step -- fatal.

"I'm going away
From Scara Brae's capitol...
But which way is to...
And which path will lead us away?"
This, the dog answered,
Bringing her back to the path.
The journey begins...
A girl, soldier, and a dog.
For Sara, it is life or death.

[Aryr de Morte]

"Why do you run so?
Surely they must have a place
For such a beauty."
Aryr could not help but to
Get lost in her face
So dreamy, and so thought filled
Her face shone with the
Glare of the afternoon sun

Which way they were bound
The soldier did not know it
Feeling helpless, like
The poor blind girl must have felt
Curiosity
A strange new land to explore
The path went far off
Stretching into the distance
Mile after mile long

Aryr's sandals pat
Softly on the ground, beside
He could hear Sara
Her walk, light and lithe, and her
Hair blowing softly
Aryr looked back down the road
It seemed harder now
His feet began to ache, and
His demeanor now quite worse

As they trot about
Aryr's sense tingled, then
A loud crash ensued
Quickly, Aryr readied, tense
Impending danger
Aryr felt his hair raise high
Spear and shield flashed out
Ready to combat what may
Lay in wait to strike at them

[Seraphima]

"Am I beautiful?
My eyes cannot tell me that.
I can do nothing,
I can barely walk about.
There is no place for
Someone so very useless."
Truth at last spoken,
Deceit and hope discarded
Worthlessness fully realized.

She heard them coming,
Maurz growled and his muscles tensed.
Danger on the road,
Her one unaccounted risk.
She released her dog
And took up her walking stick.
Combat -- not common,
Not for a girl and her dog,
And Sara felt a cold fear.

Maurizio growled.
These threats to Sara would die.
Teeth flashed healthy white
And would soon be stained with blood.
One brief warning snarl
And guide became protector.
Instinct raged through him,
Ancient instinct for the pack
And an untamable love.

Sara heard her dog
As he lunged at the bandits.
She could hear them step,
Big, heavy steps without care.
The pain of a bite
Tore at her in a loud scream.
Aryr fought as well,
But with what, she could not hear,
Save for cold weapon on flesh.

Then one came for her,
A heavy, grunting monster.
She stumbled backward
Without her dog to guide her
So vulnerable,
Completely blind, so helpless.
She had no recourse.
Her trusty oak walking stick
Swung around to hit the thief.

[Aryr de Morte]

The men jumped quickly
Aryr's spear was through a man
Quickly, swiftly through
A clean stab, then the man fell
Onto the next one
A twirl from the soldier came
Spear flying quickly
Through the hamstring, the man rang,
"Ah, shit! This fighter is good!"

Another was near,
Maurz was baring his teeth, and
The man was afraid
Quickly, swiftly Aryr went
Stabbing his spear through
The fool screamed in agony
Forcing his weapon
Out through the bandit's sternum
Aryr looked to the blind girl

She had swung her stick
A bandit simply lauging
The man approached her
She had no chance to kill him
Aryr took this time
To run at the fool and kill
She gave him a hit
Before Aryr had arrived
The man's face showed his pure rage

With great force Aryr
Stabbed his spear through his bicep
The man cried in pain
He quickly turned to face his
Worthiest opponent
Primal rage consumes
The man chops at Aryr, with
His crude, pitiful hand axe
Hitting a golden shield hard

Yanking out the spear
Aryr pushes upward, with
his shield, spear impaling bone
Slight muscle tension
The man then falls limply, to
The ground, dragging Aryr's spear
Quickly, he yanks hard
The spear exiting the wound
The man died so easily

[Seraphima]

Bitter scent of blood
Hanging cloyingly in air.
Screams of the dying
Now fading into silence.
Sara's body shook,
Fear striking now in safety.
Nausea swept through her,
And she huddled on the ground
Desperately clinging earth.

Bitter scent of blood
Hanging cloyingly in air.
It was all around
Over whelming, dizzying...
Stench all-pervading,
Violent death swooping down.
Sara's stomach lurched,
And still more desperately
Did she cling the dust in hand.

Bitter scent of blood
Hanging on his mouth, Maurz came.
He whimpered to her,
Canine voice filled with concern.
"I--I'm all right, Maurz."
A feeble reassurance.
A simple blind girl,
With no stomach for bloodshed
Did not belong on the road.

[Aryr de Morte]

Gently Aryr bent
To help the girl to her feet
She looked so helpless
And innocent, the feelings
Aryr could feel now
The most prevalent was guilt
Revealing the hate
That was so easily forged
And killing men that made it

"We must go now, dear."
The place was not right for her
The timing worse yet
Had Aryr not been there though
She might have been killed
Instead, Aryr presented
Something new and real
Something even the blind know
That something is death by force

The trees burned brightly
Colors ablaze with glory
Mighty trunks rising
Again, Aryr looks downward
The dog was good, brave
"Had your dog not been here, dear,
The bandits would have prevailed."

[Seraphima]

Am I so helpless?
Am I so useless to all?
Who do my eyes curse?
Me, or all who would help me?
He lifted her up,
Again, she was a burden.
She let him guide her,
Along with her faithful dog,
Away from all the carnage.

"He is a good dog,"
Was her answer to Aryr.
"He's my only friend,
And the only one to stay."
A soft sigh escaped
From Sara's rose petal lips.
"I'm just a burden.
To my loyal dog and guard,
To the rare person to help..."

Blindness was not bad
When one had food and shelter.
It allowed for calm
And clarity, peace, stillness.
But this poverty...
It made a blessing a curse.
"I am quite grateful
For your presence here today.
Without you we would be dead."

But he would leave her,
Everyone did in the end.
In deepest darkness
With Maurz and hope fading fast.
Gold was still required
Of those who could not get it.
And so they traveled
To whatever end ahead,
Blind girl, man, and faithful dog.

[Aryr de Morte]

"Burden? No you aren't.
There are far worse things to be."
Aryr's black hair swayed
Gently, sweetly, in the wind
Heartbeat declining
Aryr has come to a calm
After the battle
The man was wired, tensed up
Now nothing remained at all

His only concern
Was getting her safely home
Wherever it was
Wherever would come to be
Her new home awaits
With an eagerness unknown
They kept walking on
To meet their future, see it
They would live it, breath it in

The path was long, yes
Nothing unattainable
It would come to end
The nearest by was a port
Where she could escape
Her trouble left behind, and
she could start anew
Her past left to memory
Nothing remaining at all

So they walked on yet
The town soon to come in view
Hope awaiting them
Yet Aryr felt wrong, to blame
Leaving her so soon
It had to be done, she would
not want him along
He would be another man
Tucked away into the past

[Seraphima]

The bracing sea air
And din of a busy town
Heralded the port,
And here, Sara had a choice.
To purchase passage
To some far and unknown land?
To remain behind
Unknown in the new city,
To be forgotten by all?

The salty sea air
Carried on the gentle wind
Softly pulling her
Down toward the docks to flee.
Was it really wise
To recklessly run?
Could she find a place,
Within this world of madness,
Where she could rest and be safe?

The gentle sea air,
Its winds caressing her hair,
Seemed to tell her "come,"
The Siren's song of travel.
Why shouldn't she go?
Here she had nothing, no one.
Faint hope fading fast,
The next dawn made no promise.
The boat, however, seemed to.

Into the sea air
She hopefully turned her face.
"A destination
Unknown calls me to leave here."
Suddenly she thought
That he would not be going.
Sadness touched her face.
"Aryr...is this where we part,
Though our friendship was so short?"

The bitter sea air
Pulled at the girl's curls.
Everyone left her,
It was inevitable.
It was a sweet lie,
That she was not a burden.
But she was indeed,
Or she would not be alone,
Blind and helpless in the world.

[Aryr de Morte]

"I'm afraid my legs
will walk me somewhere else, dear."
Suddenly guilt, shame
He was sorry to leave her
Helpless, alone, trapped
The soldier had other things
Family, honor
These things came first for the man
Only that held in the end

There were many ways
The girl could make any choice
Wherever she ran
Would be better than Aryr
Despite his help, he
could not stay to protect her
Guilt, pity, regret
A poor blind girl in cruelty
Would be torn from his guarding

She would manage it
Aryr felt she would live long
To prosper, gain, live
The Eulaean would go on
To do what he saw
as fit, honorable, just
All that'd remain
Is prancing words, helpless, low
She would be a memory

[Seraphima]

All alone again,
The way of everything.
She nodded softly,
Accepting that they must part.
"Good bye, then...for now."
Rose petal mouth twisted down.
"Thank you...thanks so much.
If you had not been with us,
We would have no tomorrow."

She touched his smooth face,
Knowing by feel what most saw.
"Good bye, then, Aryr.
I hope we can meet again."
She withdrew her hands,
Slender and delicate things,
Then she stepped away.
She boarded the boat with Maurz,
Paying the traveling fee.

All alone again,
Sara and Maurz left the land.
Just for a moment
They could look at tomorrow.
The bracing sea air
Drowned the cloying scent of blood
As they fled onward.
And so they left Scara Brae
With its golden autumn leaves.

[AdventWings]

Story

Continuity - 7/10

Despite the vagueness of where you are going and why you did it, I believe that any more information than is already given would just be a hindrance to the larger message at hand. In this case, just mentioning that both of you were on your way out of town somewhere was sufficient enough to the readers.

Setting - 7/10

There were sporatic mentions of the landscape around you, mainly during the first three and last two posts. There were significant interaction with the different qualities most people normally forget - the way fresh blood smells like, the light Autumn breeze that whipped your hair against your cheeks. Small stuff that people usually forget and such really brought out the life in each posts - too bad they were a bit sporatic at times.

Pacing - 6/10

The introduction was a little bit long, which made the one-post battle scene quite off-beat with the rest of the story. Still, it was a nice read and it did not detract much from the overall quality of the story.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 8/10

Good grasp of English and very thorough. There were even instances where breaking the grammar rules actually added flavor to the story.

Technique - 6/10

Very good feel throughout the story. I did feel, however, that the rhythm of the poems were a bit off - not too blatant, but just a hint off by a beat that it made reading a bit bumpy. This is also about the rise and fall of the tones within the words themselves, a small detail that would not entirely be clearly seen unless read aloud to yourself.

Clarity - 6/10

For the most parts, everything you noted and touched on had some involvement with the underlying theme as well as making sense to why the characters acted the way they were. I am impressed, though I would like to see more as to how it tied into the overall storyline of both your characters.

Character

Dialogue - 6/10

Fairly good overall, but the individual tones helped to lend the characters some uniqueness to their otherwise generic dialogues. I know it is a bit hard to come up with unique sayings without pulling in aspects of the OOC world, though here is a thought that may help in improvement: Find your character's voice.

Action - 7/10

A lot of the actions displayed by both your characters were nice and very believable, especially how Sara was quick to nurse Aryr back to consciousness. In turn, when Sara felt threatened and could not defend herself, Aryr came to her rescue in returning her gratitiude. I still found his initial "fainting" to be a bit curious, as it seemed more to serve the story's advancement than to enact an aspect of the character.

Persona - 7/10

One word to describe how I feel in this category, in regards to your characters' personal developments is... Touching. I felt the same way both of them did from the little walk after their initial meeting, the aftermath of a bandit attack and the sorrowful good-bye. Aryr's character came off a bit enigmatic, not quite sure how to feel as he was reminiscing about love and care in one moment and kind of just hiding it all in the next. Perhaps it is just me, but I had a bit of trouble following his line of thought. :p

Miscellaneous

Wild Card - 8/10

It's not often people write quests in a poem format and this one came out rather well. I like it. It is not completely stellar, but a very interesting set-up that worked well and gave me a very good feeling after reading it. In fact, it flowed rather well from start to finish without forcing me to stop and massage my head, something that usually happens to me during reading long threads. And last but not least...

Great job, you two! I'll be looking forward to reading more works from the both of you again.

FINAL SCORE – 68!

Aryr de Morte receives 630 EXP and 200 GP.

Seraphima receives 630 EXP and 200 GP.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!!