Terrors.

[Dirge]

Aight. I know you are all tired of these by now... but I have to post this to explain why I'm not going to be doing so well for the next few weeks or so. Bear with me too, I'm not crazy yet...

I'm having terrible night terrors. Now, this would normally mean nothing to me, but with them are horrible voices that are loud as fuck and don't stop after I wake up. The terror is supposed to last only a little bit, mine last between an hour to an hour and a half.

If you know what a night terror is, you'll understand why I'm afraid right now and why I don't think I'll be able to post.

If you don't know what one is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_terrors

Alright. Now, here's the shitty part. ("Ha!" you must be saying to yourself "How can it be worse?!") Well, I had one last night while I was still awake, meaning I'm not even sure if they are night terrors or the pure form of fear and depression just hitting me at once. No clue.

However, it is always accompanied by a lot of fuckin' voices, and most of the time by a single, nearly tangible outline of a black figure standing dead center in my vision. Not sure who or what it is, but it's freaky as all hell.

Now, this is a different psychological disorder often referred to as schizophrenia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia


Alright now, so I'm all kinds of fucked. But, the military let me off drill this weekend to straighten things out. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if that's going to be enough.


So, that's it I suppose. I'll be chillin' at my place most of the days, or just straight working a lot. Either way hit me up... especially if I'm up around 2 am... that's when they start hitting me the worst.

Oh. Well. Thanks peeps!

[Rith]

Wow, that's shitty. Hopefuly things work out better for you. Maybe leaving the TV on at night may help as a reccomended thing is for noise? Best of luck to you though...

[Ataraxis]

Damn, that's bad. There's got to be something you can do to get rid of that, right? Here's to hoping that this ordeal will be but a bad memory, and soon at that.

And leaving the TV on at night? I dunno, if it were me, I'd relax the wrong muscle. Even on during the day, I always expect it to get static, or worse.

I'd find some soothing music to play in the background, low enough for you to sleep, but still loud enough to counterpoint the... awfulness. Things like 'Hey Jude' or some nonsensical stuff like 'Bike'. Though stay away from 'Several Species of Furry Small Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict'.

[Massacre]

It's after he falls asleep that it starts, and the poor guy has insomnia.

[Seraphima]

Last night I was online with him and it started up when he was awake...

[Dirge]

yeah. It's not just when I'm asleep... but when my insomnia finally allows me to sleep it will kick in.

And I've left the TV on the other night, it did nothing but let me see where I was going when I got up and started stumbling around in a panic. As for music, it did nothign last night either.

Last night it hit me, bad. I was awake though, on the phone with someone, talking online with two people. I blared my music and turned my TV up LOUD... but it did nothing.

I eventually went outside and started smoking. The cigarette's burn and the taste is acrid, it helped slightly. But the voices don't stop until they want to, or until I pass out.

-shrug-

Lol. I feel like a crazy person... lol.

[grim137]

There's always therapy.

[Letho]

Hey, at least you always have somebody to keep you company. Did you try talking to these voices? Man, I wish I heard some voices. I'd make them tell me stories before I go to bed.

[Karuka]

I can see it now...we read with some surprise in our newspapers about a Croatian snapping and going on a killing spree...

"The voices said they were going to destroy Althanas if I didn't do it!"

[Dirge]

See, what would I do without Althanas? I have an issue that's threatening to destroy my sanity, and you guy's make jokes. I love you. Not even being sarcastic. Everyone I know in real life is freaking out and trying to put me on a suicide watch and shite.

lol.

[Rith]

Well how do the voices act? What does the figure do? Also, when the panic spurs on, do you try to just tell yourself it's not real? And lastly, is there anyone there with you?

[Dirge]

Voice's attributes : Well... it's complicated to be honest. The voices are starting to be with me at all times, just at the back of my mind. When I'm weak, like really tired, they start getting stronger. Or when I'm dreaming they are practically tangible. In my dreams I can walk through the hordes of voices, people, and bat them away mentally. They don't touch me, but they're there... a lot of them.

Each one is unique, different. They are each speaking something on their own, something different and completely unique to them. Most of them look like normal people, just really grungy... like they had come out of a early 1900's esque factory.

They reach out to me when they're visibile, screaming at me for help... like I could do something. Most of them feel like they are giving off raw, primal fear and confusion. That was why they bothered me at first. They were all so helpless, and I hate helplessness.

The Figure - He doesn't do anything. He's like a foreground image with the screaming, almost ghostly people around him. It's just an image, a jet black outline of a six foot man, medium build, wearing a long coat. No hair or anything.

Panic Attacks - I don't really panic as much as fear what's going on, because I don't understand it. I don't like not understanding stuff that's happening to me, and I don't like not having control over it. I've come to realize that I'm a very controlling, dominating person. As far as the "attacks beginning", its more like the figure starts drawing near and the voices (which are very strong when I'm really tired or sleeping) just get too loud. There are too many of them.

With me - Nobody is with me physically or mentally normally. I'm always alone when these things start, because I'm not being drawn away mentally by a friend or what they're doing. In the "dream" I'm alone, dealing with everything... but that doesn't bother me. I'm also a very solitary person.

That's about it really, hope that answered your question... lol. I could write a long ass thesis paper on the shit if I had too... but it would exhaust me mentally.

-shrug-

[Rith]

Has it occurred that maybe because you are a solitary person (as am I, I know what you mean by it and don't think you're some guy that stays in his room 24/7 (I think lol)) but maybe it's your conceious craving for social activities? It seems that your mind is playing upon your weaknesses. Maybe it's your body's way of telling you to try new things, and to possibly look for a girlfriend (if you don't have one) to combat the lonelyness?

Make sense? Apply the same principle to the other 3 questions and you may start to have things change?

[Massacre]

They're often caused from stress and he works like 3 jobs plus the military.

[Rith]

Yea, I read the links and that's where I tried drawing my conclusions from. Though it's fun to joke around with this stuff, I hate knowing people have to suffer from these things because I've been through similar expierences already. They're not fun, at all.

[Massacre]

And you have back spasms, right?

[Rith]

Correct. I also suffered from severe depression for nearly 2 years before I finially got over it. Also, I've delt with many heart problems (open heart surgery when I was 5, had a pacemaker put in I believe the 2nd of March last year) and that caused a lot of panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, and more depression, and also insomnia. I'm a walking medical problem.

[Massacre]

At least you aren't a walking STD. :)

[Rith]

Haha, agreed. But that there ^^ is just scratching the surface of crap I've had to deal with.

I'd just like to suggest ways he can get through this quicker and to move on with his life. These things, really do take a lot of energy from you.

[Ataraxis]

But, but... is there any other kind, Mass?

Anyway, darn. I'd thought that music would at least mitigate the effects. Shows how little I know.

...Have you ever talked back? This isn't a proposition, just a general wonderment. I'm not sure open conversation is the shortest route back to normal.

[The Writing Writer]

look at it this way Kyle, at least ull always be alert! that way the ninjas have no hope! lol

seriously tho lol, if u want ill come and stay with you or you can come stay with me till ur friends take a permanent leave of absence

[AdventWings]

Wow, dude. I could only begin to imagine what you're going through. At least the Girls leave me alone pretty much when I'm asleep...

Here's hoping you get well soon and feeling better by the moment.

Really makes me wanna jump on the next flight to America. And I'm not kidding. The only thing holding me back is a Test on Friday and not having enough money... :(

[Dirge]

lmao, come on over. You'll be instantly attacked by my asian loving friend... you are asian aren't you?

Actually, you'd be safe for a bit. He's in Tiawan right now, lol.

[Osato]

Update (just so you know): I saw two psychological councilors yesterday and they all told me that I was fucked. The first was as old as time itself, and said that I was one of the worst cases she'd seen in the years of her practice (and she did 2 years of intern work and an study for her degree on schizophrenia). She's called me twice a day since, making sure I'm alright... scary.

The other said that I was messed up and needed all sorts of medicine.

So I went this morning and saw another councilor, referred to her by the first and second, who talked to me for over an hour. I'm not sure what's going on anymore, but the shite's getting worse. I've gone through three night terrors this week alone, and even talking to people to get it out hasn't done shit for me.

So, needless to say, I'm still out of it bad. With only 16 hours of sleep in 8 days, I'm not doing well with posting. I apologize again for everything I'm holding up and what's going on...

I see an actual shrink the 20th of next month, probably get a bunch of medicine and whatnot, but not sure what's going on with my Army obligations and such. Not looking good though

[Karuka]

*Pats* Mon pauvre...

I wish I knew what to tell you.

[Moonlit Raven]

Holy hell man. I would say never trust a shrink (bad experience with a couple and I'm not getting in to that any time soon) but it’s an option for you. If it helps, good. If not, run when they start talking about evaluations in a "safe" facility. Getting locked up is not fun.

[Osato]

They've already started talking about it. Said that another few days and I probably would have been admitted instead of allowed to walk out the front door the same way I walked in.

Scared me. And still scares me. But I figure if I can walk in on my own I'm sure as hell walking out on my own.

I don't want to get admitted...

[Max Dirks]

You're saner than I am, but I will always be better at beer pong!

This is probably just a battle of control, Ranger. Terrors fill a person with some unimaginable sense of fear or danger, but something in life has to represent those feelings or your mind wouldn't know they exist. Find out what you fear and dissect them. Ultimately what you will find is that fear stems from the loss of control. So just take control. The Schizophrenia is most likely systemic. When I hear voices and see figures in my sleep that aren't dreams, it's usually because I'm anxious about something. You win your battle with the Terrors and the rest will subside.

If you are really despirate, try this. Since the Terrors and the Schizophrenia are happening simultaneously, and both supposedly exist in different consciousnesses (or stages of sleep), try using consciousness to your advantage. Since you have a perspective, take control of the emotions like you would control a dream. If you're scared, then force yourself to be scared of something. Put your bed up higher (on cinderblocks), drink a Coke or something with Caffine an hour or so before bedtime, and fall asleep to a movie or TV program where one man takes control and dominates (i.e. Die Hard, James Bond). Then just go with it. The terrors will eventually become nightmares. You will eventually become Bruce Willis. The terrors (disguised as terrorists from Die Hard) will die. And you'll sleep again.

[Karuka]

I don't know if that works, Dirks...

And it would work best if he can Lucid Dream, which only a few people can.

[Osato]

Never thought about it that way... thanks Dirks. I'm going to try that... it might help tonight, because I already have a migraine which means a really bad night terror tonight.

In all reality, that makes sense too. The only thing is the figure in my dream is odd, something that comes with the night terrors and never changes. He's been there for years, never changing. The councilors think that it may be the image of how I imagine my father. Not his ACTUAL physical form, but what my consciousness perceives him as. And that would make sense, since in an odd way, I've always somewhat feared my father.

Heh. We'll see.

Though, picturing 'him' as anything other than the figure that I know him as... is impossible to say the least.