View Full Version : way of the dragon
(solo)
“Ki you have to focus.”
“But I am focusing.” Ki said to Ai having her tails twitching in pure frustration. Training was going badly and she just couldn’t get the gist of shape shifting.
“It’s easy to do, you just need to concentrate on the form you want to become.”
The Reiko tried again but ended in a growl of giving up. “It’s not easy. I don’t know why but I can only change into a fox, with nine tails.”
“Of coarse silly, for that’s part of your natural form.” Ai Giggled and swished her nine silvery tails.
“I’m not silly, I just can’t do this. Can we try later?” Doji sighed as she started to calm her nerves, the thought of being called silly made her tails puff up like dandy lions ready to seed. But Ai was a friend and tried to help.
“Sure, maybe we’ll have more luck next time. Maybe if a certain someone was cheering you on!” Ai giggled as she taunted Ki about Seth. “I bet the nights reward for success would give you the drive to impersonate Gingitsu so well he’s think you were him.”
Doji giggled and blushed as well. Ai knew what her and the were fox were up to in the night when they snuck away from the kits. “Err, it’s not right to discuss that kind of stuff.”
“Why?” Ai asked but the sound of two giggles and crunch of leaves gave Ki a good reason.
“There’re children present.” Doji smirked and hugged her kits. The feeling of them really made her feel better.
“So mom, did you turn into a dragon?” Ryo asked in excited tones as he wagged his tail. “I always wanted to see one from the stories you and Ai told, even if they’re not as good as Karu’s stories.”
Doji blushed. “I guess I’m not that good a story teller, or shape changer for that matter, I couldn’t change into anything but a fox.”
“But even I can do that.” Ryo whined in disappointment.
Chiyo giggled. “It doesn’t matter, dragons are probably scary and I like mommy the way she is.” The little girl hugged tightly as she flattered her mother. “Maybe she’s not supposed to shape change. You’re really good with the sword and never lost a fight, right. Maybe you are meant for something else.”
Ai smiled as she watched. “Oh, I know. You’re a Reiko void fox, right.”
“Yeah so?” Ki asked as she looked up while still hugging her kits.
“Maybe a void dragon could help. There is one that lives not too far away.”
Doji tilted her head. Sure she was a Reiko void fox but could a dragon really help. “I don’t know. I don’t want to anger the dragon and get eaten alive.”
Ai laughed slightly. “Don’t worry, he’s not like the barbarian dragons of Scara Brae and main Corone. He’s a spirit dragon and good natured, I’m sure he will help.”
“Alright, I guess your right but can you tell me everything you know?” The ronin fox asked as she petted her happy kits, which had dozed off for being so comfortable in Ki’s arms.
“Well I’ve seen him a couple of times. Even know where he lives. It’s just…”
Doji nodded and knew where this is going. “You never went?”
“Yeah, I guess I was a tad frightened and I never had a reason to see him. But you have something in common and he’s a great beast, err, I mean being.” Ai smiled nervously and Doji decided to giggle.
“Alright I guess it’d be a gamble but I’ll take your word for it. So where is he?”
“You see those mountains that look like teeth?” Ai pointed and Ki nodded. “He in there, you go through the Quiet Forest, and don’t follow the path but he lands on the smaller hill and disappears into a great cave. No one goes there but I’m sure you’d be fine.”
“Are you sure it’s safe?” Ki asked and Ai smiled and nodded. “Safe enough to take the kits?” Ki finished.
“U, Umm… sure.” The silvery nine tails answered and Ki smiled.
“Good, I kinda wanted to spend some time with the kits and take them somewhere new, Since you say it’s safe then I’ll trust you.” Ki smiled and petted her kits one last time.
The kits stirred in Ki's lap, their tails wagging and Chiyo was first to speak. "We can see the dragon?" Doji nodded tussled her daughter's hair.
"Yeah I'm sure it's safe enough, don't tell Seth until we're back, okay?" the ronin said with a smile. "It'll be a little surprise." The vixen giggled.
Ryo waged his tail far more than Chiyo. "I always wanted to see a dragon. I mean the storied they sound so cool and powerful. You think you will slay it?"
Doji shook her head. "We'd run away if the dragon was dangerous but really we're just going to talk. He's friendly, right Ai?"
"Yes, everything I've heard says he's a friendly dragon and quite wise."
Chiyo giggled. "I want to talk to the dragon, can we go now?" the little girl was quite excited and Doji picked her up.
"Sure lets go now!" Doji said as she put Chiyo down and waved goodbye to Ai. "See you later!"
*
The walk was rather uneventful, Quiet Forest was a good name since everything was quiet, even the birds held silent instead of singing though they did mill about as if nothing was threatening. Doji felt strange to be in the woods like this, silence usually meant something nasty was imminent and she had to get ready to defend her kits but it was safe.
Some how the silence was infectious as the kits were quiet as well and only their footfalls could be heard as they walked along. Doji was surprised that she was the first to break the silence.
"I think we're almost there..." Ki felt like it was her first time speaking in years even if it was only an hour.
"You mean it!" Chiyo cheered as she ran ahead and looked at the mountain but froze.
"Well, what do we have here. This forest hasn't seen such a lovely family in decades, yes decades, maybe millenia. Both work in a way."
Chiyo fell on her butt as she looked up with her eyes filled with fear of something great and powerful. "Hi, mister dragon." the little fox girl squeaked and Doji ran forward and helped her child to her feet.
"I, um didn't expect to see you until we reached your lair." Doji admitted as she felt her pulse race. "I, I came to ask for some help of your wisdom." The vixen said as she gained composure to see the large creature.
The dragon smiled with many sharp teeth. it was like a large snake that could coil around a castle several times and having large sharp claws, Ryo failed to speak completely but no one could blame him.
"Come in out of the cold, I could better help you in my lair."
Doji and her kits screamed when they were gently grabbed by the dragons talons, perhaps it was the surprise or the feeling that the dragon was not dangerous that Ki let her and her children be taken but it didn’t stop the yell of surprise. Chiyo and Ryo soon turned the yells of fright into squeals of joy as they realized that they were flying.
But the ride was over far too soon, no tricks or stunts but just a short hop and they were led into the cave. “I do hope you like the arrangements, normally those for a dragon aren’t the best for foxes and other mammals.” The old dragon said as he led down the tunnels that forked about until they reached a dark room with little light.
Everything look blue in the light, it was a stone shrine that the void dragon rested at, there was a large tall rock that the serpent could wrap around and rest. “I’m glad you came, it’s been pretty lonely of late and you have good timing.”
Doji wagged her tails a bit. “It’s nice to be welcome, I’ myself am glad not to be intruding. Didn’t know dragons get lonely.” The vixen said trying to hold a laugh. She soon bowed and sat on the floor in a lotus position as her kits copied her.
Chiyo kept looking at the dragon and wondered how such a beast could keep a full belly and some other things. She stayed quiet for a while then was compelled to speak. “So mister dragon? Where’s your hoard?” Her curiosity got the best of her when she noticed that there was only a few stone statues but no treasure.
“I’m not the kind of dragon that’s very fond of hoards, had one once but was too much trouble.”
Ryo started to speak then. “So how are you supposed to lure treasure hunters to their graves?” His eyes were wide as he thought about some of the tales that his mother told.
“Oh, my I would never do such a thing, harming humans is the last thing I want to do. Had too much in my youth. Young lady, what kind of stories do you tell your children?”
Doji blushed and played with one of her tails. “Just a few adventure stories now and then. Jus to keep them entertained.” Ki was starting to get worried as she wondered if they were going to anger the dragon.
“Never mind miss. One can only do their best though I ask in the future to tell more wholesome stories.”
The conversation with the dragon was rather odd to Ki. Seemed like there wasn’t much business since the great creature was happy with small talk. The vixen had a purpose though it seemed the dragon didn’t care how he spent his time, a blessing and a curse. The blessing was because he wouldn’t eat Ki and her kits for wasting his time and the curse was Ki’s time was getting wasted. The nine tails twitched her tails and fidgeted as they talked about the weather until the dragon showed it noticed.
“I take it you’re getting bored, I figured a nine tails would have some patience.” The dragon said smugly though there was a hint of something that scared Ki for some reason. He didn’t seem happy to see her fidgeting. “Wisdoms not learned by those without the patience to learn.”
Doji yelped and blushed. “I’m terribly sorry. I just forgot to introduce myself and it kinda makes me nervous. I’m Doji Ki and the two kits are Chiyo and Ryo.” Ki bowed, rather low hoping that the dragon didn’t want her groveling on the floor but the dragon seemed happy.
The kits stopped what they were doing and said ‘hi”. And Doji screamed to see that they were actually climbing on the dragon while giggling.
“I’m so terribly sorry sir dragon!” Doji did lower herself on hands and knees for this apology.
“Don’t worry, I’m not annoyed at all, I’m actually happy that they enjoy my company.” The dragon laughed and did some movement that Ki thought was a bow. “You can call me, Ryu Tien.”
While Ki was speaking to the dragon another was searching out Ryu Tien. A lesser lord in Akashima of a poor district and his name was Takeshi. An old man now, his skin wrinkled and hidden under a gray beard and hair with his face permanently harsh. He came with his army, all the trained men his province could spare and while small and weak it was still able to train some fine soldiers and outfit them with armor. None should underestimate the old man as well, he survived several attempts at conquest and assassinations against him and he was somewhat a sorcerer, quite a capable sorcerer for he has come seeking immortality and has the skill to do it but he needs an immortal and he knew about the dragon of the void.
Ryu Tien sensed this and looked to the vixen with concern. “Ki, I will help you if you will help me. A man is coming for my essence and he will not stop until he gets it or dies.”
Ki looked up. “Umm, are you sure you need my help, you’re a great dragon and should be able to take care of him.”
Tien smiled in his draconian way. “Yes I could, but fighting isn’t my way. But you seem the type little fox, quite the deadly warrior, I’m sure. You also need a test so this would be perfect.”
Ki looked to kits that had resumed playing on the huge dragon but stopped again seeing something’s wrong. “Um, Mommy, is there anything we can do?” Chiyo offered with a smile and a wag of her white tail.
Ryo wagged his tail as well while grinning. “Yeah, we can help fight.”
Ki shook her head and tapped her sword. “The best thing you can do is to stay safe. Tien,” Ki used the dragon’s second name since it didn’t mean dragon. “I’ll help but you need to keep the kits safe. Is that a fair deal?”
The dragon laughed a little. “Very Well I’ll protect the little ones. The man that comes is a dark one, he would commit great violence on even children if they were in his way.”
Doji sighed and twitched her tail with apprehension; of coarse the man would harm children. She always had to deal with scum.
It wasn’t long before Ki saw the Soldiers coming through the mouth of the cavern. They were well armored but Ki made the first move; she threw a fiery leaf at the warriors and then in a fiery whirlwind that made the cave take an orange hue while pained screams made it hard to hear.
The kits cheered their mother on. Ki wished that they weren’t here to see this but they knew she was a hero and had good reasons to fight. As Ki had taught them after the fight with Elena, the citadel is not real but when it is real, fighting to protect other or protect self.
“This is going to be easy.” Ki chuckled to her self, the men had ran in without much a plan and lost several men do to their haste, why would they even think of taking a dragon.
“Don’t be so cocky.” Tien said with a chuckle. “This man’s cunning and cares not for others. He was sure that they’d be killed.”
Doji stopped wagging her tail as she saw several parts of the cave collapse and several samurai in colorful armor descended on cavern and attacked the dragon, beating their swords and axes uselessly against the armored scales.
Doji dropped the Onitachi and took out Seikyu, taking out several of the men from a distance. Many arrows struck true and killed a couple of samurai and wounded others but they kept coming. “How many are there?” Ki asked as she replaced the bow and took her blade again.
One commander couldn’t believe his eyes, he watched his men strike at the dragon that didn’t fight back but not getting anywhere while some girl was killing the soldiers without anyone fighting back. “You fools! Don’t just concentrate on the dragon! Watch out for that strange girl. You have to defend yourselves if you want to stand a chance.”
Doji winced as he heard the rebuke; it was the sign that things were going to get tougher. Soon she found herself surrounded by six men, the rest were working on trying to beat through Tien’s scales and not making much progress.
“You won’t stand in our way!” One of the soldiers called as they started to move towards Ki all at the same time. Doji was quick and went low with the Onitachi, the first soldier to reach her found his blade broken while the two that came after and at the same time found the lithe fox duck under, parrying and guiding one of the soldier’s blades into the chest of the other. Ki smiled for these men were only familiar with basic tactics but as those three fell and the other three back off they were joined by four more.
Even if they couldn’t fight worth much, if they kept growing like this they could just bury her underneath their bodies and effectively remove her as a threat. But this time Ki went forward and attacked two soldiers between her and the dragon. One parried and had a nasty notch in the blade but it held and the other came at the nine tails thinking he had an easy target but Ki kicked out and toppled him over, sometimes heavy armor hurt as much as it helped. With that opening, Ki disengaged her blade with a step back and she climbed onto the dragon.
“Not having such an easy time are we.” Tien laughed strangely while Ki puffed up her tails.
“You shouldn’t take this so likely, it’s your life on the line.” Doji called back as she sliced at the face of a soldier climbing after her, humans weren’t as mobile as her and what was a simple jump for the fox was a heavy climb so Ki had the advantage of height for a moment.
Doji played a game of cat and mouse over the dragon, or perhaps cat and viper. Whenever the soldiers caught her they often would fall. The warriors soon got frustrated with the woman but anything they tried couldn’t compare with the vixen. Where was Takeshi? He should be able to handle the girl.
Doji laughed as she realized that she was the one winning. It was too easy and while she broke a sweat she was going to be able to hold up the game longer than the soldiers, the war of attrition would go to the nine tails.
But the sound of thunder roared and echoed though the cavern and the sorcerer Takeshi strutted through the doorway. Everyone paused and Tien turned a hateful glare at the man.
“Who’s he?” Chiyo asked as she puffed up her tail and peeked from behind the dragons protecting talon. “He’s really scary looking.
“I think he’s evil.” Ryo said as if he knew the man’s heart and he probably was right as for as Ki was concerned.
Doji glared at the newcomer and snarled. “What kind of coward are you? You attack a dragon because you fear death and send all these men to their deaths and don’t show your face until it’s too late and many are dead. You’re Despicable!” Ki pointed her blade and started to descend down he dragon but the man chanted a spell.
His words caused Ki to feel nauseous but still continue. It wasn’t the main effect of the spell but just the dark nature of the man and his magic that it smelled like rotting corpses, eggs, fish, urine, fecal matter and bad cheese. The evil was so great that Ki had to resist the vomit, it was worse than any of the demons she faced. He finished the spell and Ki felt less sick but she couldn’t move.
“Your tongue will wag no further fox.” Takeshi said as he looked to the dragon. “I’m no coward, this dragon is. He makes you fight for him when he won’t himself. He won’t stop me and he won’t help you. I could have my men ravage you right her and he wouldn’t lift a talon.” The mage looked up at the kits.
Chiyo whimpered with fear when she saw her mother standing still being held by binds of shadow.
“They could ravage your children and he wouldn’t lift a talon. So tell me who’s the coward?”
Doji shuddered at the threats the sorcerer made, for she was now unable to move let alone stop him if he wanted anything done. The vixen wanted to cry as she had faced defeat before but not one that would have her and her kits dead or worse. But the vixen was frozen to await her fate.
“Don’t give up. You aren’t worthy of wisdom if you give up now.” The voice echoed in Doji’s head but she wasn’t sure if she could do anything, it was a cheap shot that left her down and she couldn’t avoid the spell.
“I can’t…” Ki whined finding her mouth able to move and betrayed her paralysis but didn’t win her any chance to stop the sorcerer.
“Oh you can speak?” Takeshi cackled as he looked at the vixen’s tear streaked face. “How does it feel to be so helpless even after killing my men like that. Pathetic aren’t they to be held at bay by a woman that isn’t even human.”
Doji kept silent, she just couldn’t stand it. It made her angry to hear this man and the fear for her kits made her fight in her mind. She was a nine tails and didn’t have to take this. Ki found herself able to move enough to give the sorcerer a sharp look.
The lesser lord yelped and decided to cast a spell to kill the girl before she could do more damage, his words came thick and made Ki feel sick again but she was not going to take it and she moved quickly to pounce on the mage, interrupting his spell. “No, How?” He said and was expecting to die. “I don’t want to die!”
Ki growled to show she didn’t care of his wants as she brought her blade to bear but when she struck down the mage was quick and broke a crystal in his hand causing a flash and shooting Ki back to slam against the dragon’s side, hitting so hard that she yelped and fell to her knees again.
Takeshi was actually afraid for once that he couldn’t gain his goal, he might have truly been foolish to attack a dragon but he thought that the void beast had made an unbreakable pact not to harm a human but it didn’t stop him from getting help and this fox girl was giving him a run for his money.
“Well you seem a bit tougher than I would expect, have my men cowering in fear now, they are as bad as the dragon. But don’t think I didn’t plan, for I have a way that would kill the dragon. It’ll be a bit of over kill for you no matter how good you are since you don’t have the powers of the dragon or even fox, just the tails.” The sorcerer concentrated.
Doji wasn’t a fool and ran on ready to slice the man in two while he tried to cast the powerful spell. He legs pumped quickly as the blade in her hand arched towards the wizard and then it hit something like flesh. Doji smiled until she saw that the sorcerer was okay and that what she hit was a huge arm of a demon and it barely took a paper cut from her blade.
The beast was the size of an elephant on its hind legs with several horns on its head and three glowing eyes. The creature roared and Ki cursed herself for being slow. How could the sorcerer be so quick with such a powerful spell?
Doji kept moving to evade the demon; his powerful swings would sometimes hit the dragon and cause the beast to groan in pain. If a simple missed swing of the claw could cause the dragon such pain then if the demon concentrated on Tien rather than Ki the dragon was doomed but instead the large beast was after the nine tailed girl who kept dodging him, but if she were to screw up the ronin girl would simply be paste under the sheer force of the powerful monster and the dragon would die and probably Ki’s kits as well.
The sorcerer was elated to see that Doji couldn’t fight back; she did do some cuts when the demon left him open but they did little damage. But Ki retreated and took shelter in a crevice of the cave, where she could take out her Seikyu and fire a shot at the demon, of coarse the arrow flew true into the demon and caused the beast to recoil in pain but no real damage than that. Doji’s bow might be a fire ant to the beast but it would take hundreds of fire ants to take down a mouse and Ki just didn’t have more than a dozen arrows to start and only a handful left.
At least it hurt the demon more but still Ki had to protect the dragon and her kits and that meant killing the demon. There was one shot that Ki could take, maybe if she could use her bow to hit one of the eyes then the demon would be blind. If only the dragon would help it could squash the beast but it seemed it wouldn’t harm demons either. At least its claw was providing a safe haven for the kits. Both of them were quiet and trying to hide, afraid of the wizard and his demon.
Ki jumped out and aimed for one of the demon eyes and shot one while jumping away to avoid the swinging claw, but it was too late and the fox girl was flung against the cavern wall and slump to the ground, badly bruised and with some broken ribs. Ki Whimpered as she felt pain while the demon screamed again while clutching its face, unable to do anything but dance around.
“You Little Bitch!” Takeshi shouted. “You harmed my demon!” The coward came and Kick Ki before she could get up. The vixen ronin yelped as she fell on her side as the pain increased. “See this Dragon, say your prayers, your Champion is lost. Give me your immortality or I will take it.”
Ki started crying as he climbed up the dragon, the great ryu was shaking with the want to break the oath to not harm a human and he couldn’t harm the demon since it was tied to the summoner and was considered a direct assault on the sorcerer.
“You can’t be given or take my immortality, I’m afraid. Please just give up and let the woman and her children go. The celestial judges might take kindly if you show them mercy but I’m sure you’re spend eternity as some form of spider, where your lover will eat you after making love.” The dragon threatened and warned.
“What silly threats you make, almost as silly as the clerics of the Thayne that claim they know the real truth. I won’t fear the celestial judges for when I make a potion out of your heart I will be immortal, and have youth as well.” The old man smiled over Doji’s broken body. “But I will show her mercy, she’s quite lovely and would make an excellent slave as will her children. Being immortal will help if she thinks she can try to kill me. Don’t you think you senile dragon?”
Ki wanted to speak, to yell defiance at the mage but her voice came out more pained groans and whimpers than anything that she would be proud to have yelled out to the man but she couldn't. Fear was gripping her heart as she listened to hear the cries of her kits.
"Mommy!" Cried both kits as they saw Doji slump against the wall. "Please get up!" They yelled while Ki tried to comply but didn't get that far without whimpering and giving up. The battle was lost and she did hear about mercy, maybe the kits would be fine if she was there to meet the sorcerer's whims.
But then again Ki knew that her kits would be forced into servitude of the sorcerer's lessers if he had her and the vixen knew she had to fight but she couldn't. Everything was going dark and Ki wondered if she was going to die.
"Little fox, please don't give up. There's so much more to you than this." The dragon called out and Ki could only here his voice.
"But I can't..." Ki squeaked as she just wanted to fade into sleep.
"Concentrate young kitsune, your children need you now. Please, focus on the void that is in your heart. It is what gives us power and you must concentrate. Let yourself take whatever form you can. You will survive this."
Ki wanted to complain and whine some more before giving in fully but hearing that her kits needed her made her at least try. Ki emptied her mind as she tried to focus on changing, probably into some fox ready to be squashed but maybe not and it was a gamble worth trying.
With that the fox girl felt lighter and easier, somehow as if her wounds did not hurt as much but they weren't gone. She smiled while able to stand but she felt weak and soon fell to her knees.
"Stop trying you stupid fox. You've lost." the wizard said while spiting at the woman but Ki snarled and it sounded louder than the vixen thought possible.
Ki's body started to feel numb and pressure mounted while her body became nothing but shadow, a shadow that grew and grew, causing the surviving soldiers to flee as they saw the shade that was once the vixen become a huge monstrous thing. When the shade stopped growing and dissipated they could see another dragon, though smaller. The dragon was Ki.
She was a serpentine creature of great size with four taloned feet and two great black wings and scales that looked like jet. Ki reared back and roared in anger, scaring the sorcerer and the demon as well as any curious soldier but the kits simply cheered, they knew their mother and that she was the new dragon.
Doji felt strange, for her body was nowhere near the hybrid form she once was. The pain from the thrashing she took was still there but her body could move and it wasn’t as bad. Seems that dragons had better endurance and their bodies could take more. She couldn’t talk but only give a high-pitched scream.
The demon and the sorcerer looked around rather confused to see the girl become a dragon but they were quick to move nonetheless. The demon went strait for Doji and attempted to grab the dragon and he almost succeeded since Ki was new to the form but she snaked out of it and slashed him with her hind legs as she slithered away and turned much like a drunken cobra.
“Seems you underestimated her, now you have two dragons to face.”
“But one’s a complete coward.” Takeshi yelled back as he conjured up a lighting bolt and sent it slamming into Ki. Doji couldn’t dodge so she ended up rolling on the ground and spasm for a bit before getting her bearing again and then she hissed like an oversized serpent.
“Ha you can’t avoid my magic, too easy but too fun. Too bad you weren’t more human anymore, you would have made a nice prize for an immortal king.” The sorcerer launched another bolt into Ki and she screamed and fell before righting herself up. Damn you’re tough but I have more magic left.
The demon came in and grabbed Ki, trying to pound her head but she kept that part moving out of his grip. Ki was stronger but it seemed like she couldn’t win.
“Come on Ki, you’re a dragon.” Tien said unhappily as Doji played defensive with the giant, who was happy to pound against her serpentine body but Doji knew what he was saying and let out a breath of smoke at the mage and into the demon. Both of them screamed as their senses were robbed and then Ki bit out the throat of the demon and went to the sorcerer. He wasn’t going to become immortal and Ki was the one with the advantage and simply brought a claw down as if to crush a spider.
The sorcerer was dead and Ki was exhausted, forcing herself to return to her normal nine tails self.
“Hah, I knew you could do it.” Tien smiled as he let the kits down. The soldiers were gone and it was safe.
“Mom! Are you alright?” Chiyo said as she tried to rouse her mother.
“Mom you won!” Ryo cheered but Ki simply smiled, unable to move her body very much at the moment.
“She’s fine, just give her some rest. Dragons love to sleep.” Tien laughed as he started to go to sleep himself.
Ki had to be dragged back home but the kits were too weak and so got Ai. Being the other fox was skilled at transformation, bringing back Ki was little trouble. Doji had slept for two days after that and awoke to the kits staring at her while sitting like cats.
“Mom, you’re up!” They cheered and pounced and hugged Ki. The mother expected to feel pain from the hugging but in the end did not, she healed very well while asleep, and even the broken ribs were not too bad.
“Oh good!” Ai Charmed as she entered the room with some tea. “I figured you’d be up. The kits told me about the dragon and you’re turning into one. You have to stop doing the hardest thing first. Only nine tails are capable of turning into a dragon and you can’t even turn completely human. Guess it’s better than nothing, just strange that your first form beyond mortal fox is a dragon.”
Ki shook her head. “I just followed the dragons advice, guess being around a dragon got me inspired. Still I hope I don’t fall unconscious every time.” Ki took a cup and sipped it. The tea tasted awful but Ki knew there was medicine in it.
“No it shouldn’t, it’s like human girls with sex, the first times the worst.” Ai Giggled and poured Ki some more tea. “Drink as much as you can and you’ll be up to playing with your children tomorrow.”
The fox ronin really wished she didn’t have to drink any more of that tea, but if she could truly shapeshift into a dragon the trip was worth it. She was actually realizing her fox bloodline.
(Spoils: Dragon form: Ki can turn into a dragon for about 3 posts and once per day. The size is about 3x the size of an anaconda and she has four claws and a pair of wings. Her teeth and claws are equivalent to Damascus and her scales are also the strength of Damascus. Ki also isn’t as maneuverable as she is in her normal form but her strength and endurance are on par with a mountain giant but injuries incurred do carry over after reversion and may have more affect on Ki. Doji also has a breath weapon in this form, it causes no direct damage but numbs the senses a little, vision is fogged, scent blunted, feeling slightly numbed and hearing is muffled but sixth sense and intuition are completely numb until the affect wears off, about 3 posts. Also using the breath weapon really tires Ki out and she can’t hold dragon form much longer after using it.)
General Notes: Nothing in specific, really. I think the comments in the rubric pretty much cover it. So let's get to it.
CONTINUITY – 6
I’ve got a feeling that this could’ve been done somewhat better. Even for a person who knows some details about Doji’s story, I found some information missing. Like, for an example, what is Doji doing in Akashima anyways, how did she get there, how come she settled down there? I know that you know this information and you don’t feel it necessary to give a lengthy introduction that explains everything, but I’m not asking you to do that. But some tidbits about what happened prior to the story would definitely be helpful for the casual reader. Try imputing it in the narrative from time to time. Like, for an example, when Doji hugs her kits, she could have a short glimpse of the events how she got them and how happy she was to find a safe place for them such as Akashima. We all write mainly for ourselves, but without an audience, writing kind of loses meaning. And you have to keep your audience notified of most things.
SETTING – 4
There should’ve been more of it, I’m afraid. During the first two posts, where Doji and Ai trained, I basically had no idea where the entire scene was taking place. As you moved further through the quest, it got a bit better – there was some description of the Quiet Forest and the dragon’s cave. But it was all very basic. What I’d recommend to you is not to try to write a very elaborate setting. Instead, try to focus on a few distinctive details about it, something that makes it unique, the little things that you notice offhandedly. If you get that right, the reader can build a setting in his head around it.
PACING – 6,5
This wasn’t bad. The whole thread was rather fast-paced, with a lot of action and fighting. I have two objections, however. First, it seemed that there was little else aside from the fighting. There was some cryptic dialogue with the dragon and then just a lot of fighting. My second objection is tied to the first. When you do a thread with a lot of fighting, it’s hard to make a specific part of it climactic. However, if you start a bit slower and then build up the tension, then the whole transformation would have a much stronger effect. In this case, Doji killed a lot of people, fought a demon, got her ass kicked, then transformed, all with little change in the pacing. The pace is closely related to the significance you give to certain parts of your story. In this story, I had a feeling you paid more attention to slaying the random troopers then killing Takeshi.
DIALOGUE – 6
There was a lot of it, but not all of it was good. On one hand, the unserious, almost childish way Doji talks and deals with the people around her fits her frivolous character. On the other, the dragon seemed... well, not very dragon-like, I’m afraid. I just didn’t have the feeling that, when you wrote his speech, I’m reading something a millennia-old creature would say. It sounded too mundane, even for a benevolent dragon. Takeshi also sounded a bit cliché, a bad guy out to claim immortality thought violent means, but what would a good story be without a bad guy? ;)
ACTION – 6,5
Actions of the characters weren’t necessarily bad as they were badly explained in some cases. I had a rather giant question mark above my head when I saw the dragon take the hits and do nothing about it. Only at the very end you mentioned something about an oath the beast took that prevented it from harming a human being. And while it seems plausible enough, I find it hard to believe that a dragon would sit there and die, and let Doji die, and let the kits die without moving a finger. Perhaps it was just a pretense, a way to make Doji give it everything she had, a lesson she needed to learn. Perhaps the dragon really wanted to uphold that oath no matter what. Whatever the reason was for the action is, you need to make more note of it in your writing. I’m not saying you should explain everything straight of the bad, but do try to tie up all loose ends before the end.
PERSONA – 5
Like with the setting, I would’ve liked to see more of it. Doji came off lighthearted enough, her children childish as children ought to be, and there was a significant change when shit struck the fan in the cave, but they were mostly glimpses. I scarcely saw some inner thoughts, struggles, doubts, profound fears. Even Takeshi seemed a bit one-dimensional, with his mind set on one thing and one thing alone. I’m not saying that there aren’t necessarily such people, but even bad guys have some kinks that make them more human.
MECHANICS – 5
I remember judging some stuff of yours before and I have to say that you have some recurring mistakes. Sometimes you capitalize some words mid-sentence even though they shouldn’t be capitalized and sometimes you use the wrong word that sounds like the one you meant to use. This is most notable in the “of course” phrase that you often write as “of coarse”. I think you would remedy a lot of these mistakes if you just re-read the entire quest before you submit it for judging. I know it’s sometimes dull work, but it can help a lot. Also, at times you fragment the sentences needlessly. Fragmenting can work sometimes, and you used it well in speech once or twice, but try not to overdo it.
TECHNIQUE – 4
I would like to give you a piece of advice that Shyam once gave me. If you want to describe something, you don’t necessarily have to do it by compounding descriptions. Here’s an example: “...it smelled like rotting corpses, eggs, fish, urine, fecal matter and bad cheese.” That’s a lot of things to try to imagine in one go. Instead you could try something along the lines: “...it smelled like somebody died in a public privy.” I know, it’s not the best simile ever, but I hope you get what I’m trying to point out.
CLARITY – 7
Your style makes it almost impossible for your writing to be unclear. However, another reason is the lack of the things I mentioned above (setting, persona). It makes your paragraphs short and readable, but it sometimes lacks information. Try to find a happy medium.
WILD CARD – 7
Solos are often tedious to write and difficult to finish. I think you did a fine job, but, like with the rest of us, there is always room for improvement. Keep up the good work. :)
TOTAL SCORE – 57
Congratulations!!!
SPOILS:
Reiko gets 2703 EXP and 200 GP. She also gets her Dragon Form, pending approval from the RoG staff.
EXP/GP added!
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