Sythe2o0
05-20-07, 11:43 PM
A humor-oriented speech I wrote. To most people it probably won't make sense, and to many others won't really be considered prose, however my peers encouraged me to put it online publicly after I presented it. It has what some may consider racism in it, I suppose, but it was not intended to be offensive or negative towards the group in question.
Yesterday
Cow-men are evil. In ancient Greek mythology a cow-man killed people inside a maze. I always thought that was weird. They didn’t call it a maze though--they called it a labyrinth. I think it was because “labyrinth” has more syllables. Greek people liked syllables. Anyway, what happened in the story was a giant cow-man named after a king called “Minos” killed people as a punishment for their crimes… in a labyrinth-maze.
Eventually someone killed it. Theseus cheated and brought a rope and a dagger into the wall-pattern-maze. He then used the rope so he knew where he had went, and went to the middle of the pattern-labyrinth to kill the Minotaur, as they were called back then. He stabbed it and it died.
At least, that is what they thought. Theseus being stupid, he forgot to stab the Minotaur in its eye and because of that he only passed out for a couple thousand years. Now, it the year 1877, he has come back in the disguise of a Velgland scientist. And he plans to infect all of the world’s children with a disease that will turn them into cow-men. How do I know this? I don’t. That is exactly how I told you all about it.
I planned to take out the cow-men early on, and to do that I had to send a letter to the Velglands. I wrote:
“Dear people. Stop. You aren’t being very nice. Stop. Please kill the cow-men now. Stop. Thank you. Stop. Stop. Stop.”
In a reply they sent me nothing. I felt I had been noticed by their lack of a lack of a reply and because of that was inspired to travel to Velgland and destroy them. I felt they would want me to destroy them. I rode on my traveling-Mexican-child-backpack across the land to Velgland. The sailing was a clear one, the water brisk and the sun shining. It was a bit difficult to row my way there across the land, but I managed.
However, as soon as I got there the guards at the hundred-foot-yard-fence around the continent-city-state-colony told me to leave. I said I wouldn’t leave, so they took out odd looking black boxes with yellow and blue colors streaming off the ends and touched it to my spine. It hurt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thirty-point-two decades later, I awoke from my unconscious state given from the stabby-black-box-ness. I know this number because the calendar next to me says it is February 30th, 302 B.C. It was pretty nice of the calendar to give me an accurate date.
I started a conversation with February 30th, and he replied to my proposal with, “Die.” I flipped his page, and he said it tickled. So I did that a couple hundred more times until he died of laughing. It was sad; he was a nice guy.
Another few months negatively passed, and my neatly shaven beard (with a few frozen cheese pieces shaped like a shaver) went away. I decided to buy a hacksaw and make my way out. I took a couple dollars from my wallet and walked outside to the shop that sold saws and axes.
I bought some AXE, but unfortunately upon my return to the inside of the Taco Cave, I realized that only the regular AXE containers are shaped like axes. Cursing to myself, I paced around the dark damp Taco Cave. The light from the sun blinded me as I desperately searched every nook of my cave. Lost, I delved into insanity, the tearing sounds of bulldozers attacking away at the tacos filled my mind, and I opened my second layer of eyelids to unfortunately see that my dreams were false. Instead of what I had hoped, that the two-men-with-flaming-pant-and-jacket-suits would save my life, just the sacrificial Mexican child Pablo had come to eat all of the tacos.
He made me very angry, after eating the tacos. I decided not to punish him immediately, instead to punish him later on. I pondered on what I would punish him with, and I came to the decision that I would punish him with cheese. But before that we went home (and after my locking him in his cage), I went to my metal-box-wire-cube and turned it on.
After waiting for it to turn on, a very avuncular process, I went to the inter-web-net location-spreader and looked at it for a while. I came across an oddly capitalized article titled: VELGLAND SCIENTISTS HAVE APPLIED FOR PERMISSION TO CREATE EMBRYOS BY FUSING HUMAN DNA WITH COW EGGS. Now, I have no idea what this means but I asked a guy on the street about it (he looked hip) and he told me they were letting cows make human babies.
I was appalled by this, and instantly when I had the chance to get away from my metal-box-wire-cube, ran across the state to the UK immediately. I asked the man at the front desk, “Hey! Stop making cow-men!” and he replied, with some text on his screen. Sadly I cannot read, so I punched the guy and he died—I think, he made a death-like sound and started to spark. He started to spit money out, so I took it. Then I was arrested.
After a fine, a month of community service and a guy who was interrogating me putting an awful burn on my skin, I was back and ready to kill the cowmen. By this time they had already spread over the US, and I needed to go quickly. The streets were aflame with cowmen, as they used their duckbills to eat the walls of local stores. Then I woke up. I think, I might be wrong, because I woke up eighty-six more times that night while waiting for the cowman invasion.
The next day I drove to London-Frenchinstine. I had re-read the article a couple hundred times, futilely, as I still could not read. I went to a very large house, assuming it was the cowmen’s lair. I had prepared for this, and had brought along the young Mexican boy, to offer as a sacrifice.
A man came up to the door-ish-gate thing. He opened the gate with his mutated cowhands and asked me, “Can I help you?” as he said that I took a pair of tongs from the Mexican boy’s back and stabbed the man in the gall bladder—The cowmen’s weakness. The cowman staggered backwards and revealed his true form to me, a bird. Then he flew away, his spleen still bleeding as he fled.
I cheered triumphantly, and, dragging Pablo through the mansion, tong’ed the people in their livers. All of them returned to their animal-man state, at least most of them. Most of them as in just that first guy, everyone else just started yelling and holding their kidneys.
Eventually, the halls of the mansion covered in rainbow-cooked-colored-cow-juice, I had made it to the production chamber. In it, there were a couple hundred machines designed specifically to turn human fetuses into cow-human fetuses. It was evil. I ran up to the nearest machine and stabbed the spleens of all the human fetuses about to become cows. Pablo helped too, using his sombrero as a sombrero to protect me from the sun’s harmful rays down in the basement of the mansion.
At last, after a few negative centuries of pancreas-stabby-ness-ness-ness-bleh-hyphens, all the human fetuses were gall-bladder-stabbed, and would be unable to transform into cow-humans. Pen. Unfortunately I had forgotten to kill the boss. Every cow-man base has a boss and I don’t enjoy trying to stab their thighs. All of the bosses put protectors around their skulls so no one can stab them in their thighs. Because of this I had to get Pablo to take his tongs and run up to the boss.
When I came to after becoming randomly unconscious, I was in a cell. I instantly knew I had been cheated and the cow-men hadn’t given me a second life. I also instantly knew I had been arrested by the cow-men, based on the smell of cow-men… and the cell. Yes the cell helped me as well in my assumption. I felt like sleep-walk-transporting out of the place, but I wasn’t tired. Having nothing to do, I fell asleep. I woke up as the cell opened, and they let a regular man in. I was wrong though, it was a cow-man and they shut the door after him. As he entered, I greeted him.
After waiting for him to reply for a few hours, he replied with nothing and thus I assumed he hadn’t replied. Deducing him as boring, I took a wooden spoon out of my pocket and started digging a hole in the wall. It was a futile attempt on my part, as the wall was far too thick. Frustrated, I left out of the cell door that had never been closed.
Soon after the cow-man that was missing an arm came out and followed me. I tried to talk to him, saying, “Did your finger fall off in an accident?” He glared at me with his missing eye viciously, replying, “Yes, my shin fell off by accident. Now be quiet.” He wasn’t very nice about it, so I assumed it was because of his missing ear. We were quiet for a while after that. We exited down the stairs that the guard had come down when he came to bring the cow-man here.
We walked in small circles for a few hours before reaching our destination. I don’t know why he wanted to go wherever I was going, but I didn’t care either. As we reached it, Pablo jumped out of the air-duct door and followed us. We passed a lot of red lines going across the floors and ceilings on our way and as we crossed them a lot of beeping noises emitted from the inner-wall speakers. The lack of noise was obnoxious. Soon, though, Pablo’s sombrero crossed a straight red line going across the walls and a lot of beeping noises emitted from the inner-wall speakers! It was bad, we were going to be caught and people would put us back in the cells. I didn’t like the cells.
Because I didn’t like cells, I didn’t let the noise distract me. It was significantly obnoxious. The seventeen of us came across a large door with a giant keyhole on it’s giant front. We had picked up a giant key, and giant-ally placed it into the giant keyhole on the giant front. After turning the giant key giant-ally and taking it out of the giant keyhole on the giant door, we entered a giant room filled with giant people.
Calling attention to myself, I yelled at all of them. Assuming they were cow-men, I ran up to all of them and simultaneously stabbed them all in their middle toes with my tongs. Despite my stabby-ness-ness of them, they didn’t flinch. In fact, they haven’t moved at all and my tongs didn’t pierce their oddly cold skin. They must’ve been dead, I thought.
Moving on to the next room, I found the boss. I think I saw him first at least, Pablo might have found him and I saw him second. He was a man with the giant key we used earlier hanging off of his chest by a chain. His pockets were full of keys, and these two factors told me what his name was.
And him yelling it out at us… that helped as well. He said, “I am Steven Masterlock! Bow down to me!” His attempt to force us into bowing failed, so he killed us.
I resisted my own death and yelled back, “Ow!” Knowing he would try to strike again, I charged forward and stabbed him with my tongs in his tail. I was foolish though! I was supposed to stab him in his tail, not his tail! He grabbed me and threw me off to the ground. I landed on the ceiling and got angry. I hadn’t imagined that the boss-cow-man would be this difficult.
Pablo entered a room for the first time, one a few rooms away. He left again and came back, entering through the ceiling door for the tenth time. Despite the perfect timing, I decided to punish him with cheese. But not yet though, it wasn’t perfect enough. I needed it to be more horrible before I punished him.
In my break for a long thought about punishment and cheese, Steven Masterlock yelled randomly at me,” TKILK QJKTT KILTB STCRT BLOUL RTCKJ!” He wrote it down on paper too, and showed it to me.
After many long hours, suddenly, a few days ago everything became black. I was in an elevator with everything inside as black. Except for the floor. The floor, like the ceiling, was white. The ceiling held that in common with the walls and the windows. Outside the windows there was a similar feel; similar to the floor. So, in the end, everything was black, other than everything, which was white. After many hundredths of seconds, I was dead. And after I died, everything was avuncular. But none of it mattered, as the world ended three weeks ago anyway.
Comments and criticism (constructive or no) accepted.
Yesterday
Cow-men are evil. In ancient Greek mythology a cow-man killed people inside a maze. I always thought that was weird. They didn’t call it a maze though--they called it a labyrinth. I think it was because “labyrinth” has more syllables. Greek people liked syllables. Anyway, what happened in the story was a giant cow-man named after a king called “Minos” killed people as a punishment for their crimes… in a labyrinth-maze.
Eventually someone killed it. Theseus cheated and brought a rope and a dagger into the wall-pattern-maze. He then used the rope so he knew where he had went, and went to the middle of the pattern-labyrinth to kill the Minotaur, as they were called back then. He stabbed it and it died.
At least, that is what they thought. Theseus being stupid, he forgot to stab the Minotaur in its eye and because of that he only passed out for a couple thousand years. Now, it the year 1877, he has come back in the disguise of a Velgland scientist. And he plans to infect all of the world’s children with a disease that will turn them into cow-men. How do I know this? I don’t. That is exactly how I told you all about it.
I planned to take out the cow-men early on, and to do that I had to send a letter to the Velglands. I wrote:
“Dear people. Stop. You aren’t being very nice. Stop. Please kill the cow-men now. Stop. Thank you. Stop. Stop. Stop.”
In a reply they sent me nothing. I felt I had been noticed by their lack of a lack of a reply and because of that was inspired to travel to Velgland and destroy them. I felt they would want me to destroy them. I rode on my traveling-Mexican-child-backpack across the land to Velgland. The sailing was a clear one, the water brisk and the sun shining. It was a bit difficult to row my way there across the land, but I managed.
However, as soon as I got there the guards at the hundred-foot-yard-fence around the continent-city-state-colony told me to leave. I said I wouldn’t leave, so they took out odd looking black boxes with yellow and blue colors streaming off the ends and touched it to my spine. It hurt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thirty-point-two decades later, I awoke from my unconscious state given from the stabby-black-box-ness. I know this number because the calendar next to me says it is February 30th, 302 B.C. It was pretty nice of the calendar to give me an accurate date.
I started a conversation with February 30th, and he replied to my proposal with, “Die.” I flipped his page, and he said it tickled. So I did that a couple hundred more times until he died of laughing. It was sad; he was a nice guy.
Another few months negatively passed, and my neatly shaven beard (with a few frozen cheese pieces shaped like a shaver) went away. I decided to buy a hacksaw and make my way out. I took a couple dollars from my wallet and walked outside to the shop that sold saws and axes.
I bought some AXE, but unfortunately upon my return to the inside of the Taco Cave, I realized that only the regular AXE containers are shaped like axes. Cursing to myself, I paced around the dark damp Taco Cave. The light from the sun blinded me as I desperately searched every nook of my cave. Lost, I delved into insanity, the tearing sounds of bulldozers attacking away at the tacos filled my mind, and I opened my second layer of eyelids to unfortunately see that my dreams were false. Instead of what I had hoped, that the two-men-with-flaming-pant-and-jacket-suits would save my life, just the sacrificial Mexican child Pablo had come to eat all of the tacos.
He made me very angry, after eating the tacos. I decided not to punish him immediately, instead to punish him later on. I pondered on what I would punish him with, and I came to the decision that I would punish him with cheese. But before that we went home (and after my locking him in his cage), I went to my metal-box-wire-cube and turned it on.
After waiting for it to turn on, a very avuncular process, I went to the inter-web-net location-spreader and looked at it for a while. I came across an oddly capitalized article titled: VELGLAND SCIENTISTS HAVE APPLIED FOR PERMISSION TO CREATE EMBRYOS BY FUSING HUMAN DNA WITH COW EGGS. Now, I have no idea what this means but I asked a guy on the street about it (he looked hip) and he told me they were letting cows make human babies.
I was appalled by this, and instantly when I had the chance to get away from my metal-box-wire-cube, ran across the state to the UK immediately. I asked the man at the front desk, “Hey! Stop making cow-men!” and he replied, with some text on his screen. Sadly I cannot read, so I punched the guy and he died—I think, he made a death-like sound and started to spark. He started to spit money out, so I took it. Then I was arrested.
After a fine, a month of community service and a guy who was interrogating me putting an awful burn on my skin, I was back and ready to kill the cowmen. By this time they had already spread over the US, and I needed to go quickly. The streets were aflame with cowmen, as they used their duckbills to eat the walls of local stores. Then I woke up. I think, I might be wrong, because I woke up eighty-six more times that night while waiting for the cowman invasion.
The next day I drove to London-Frenchinstine. I had re-read the article a couple hundred times, futilely, as I still could not read. I went to a very large house, assuming it was the cowmen’s lair. I had prepared for this, and had brought along the young Mexican boy, to offer as a sacrifice.
A man came up to the door-ish-gate thing. He opened the gate with his mutated cowhands and asked me, “Can I help you?” as he said that I took a pair of tongs from the Mexican boy’s back and stabbed the man in the gall bladder—The cowmen’s weakness. The cowman staggered backwards and revealed his true form to me, a bird. Then he flew away, his spleen still bleeding as he fled.
I cheered triumphantly, and, dragging Pablo through the mansion, tong’ed the people in their livers. All of them returned to their animal-man state, at least most of them. Most of them as in just that first guy, everyone else just started yelling and holding their kidneys.
Eventually, the halls of the mansion covered in rainbow-cooked-colored-cow-juice, I had made it to the production chamber. In it, there were a couple hundred machines designed specifically to turn human fetuses into cow-human fetuses. It was evil. I ran up to the nearest machine and stabbed the spleens of all the human fetuses about to become cows. Pablo helped too, using his sombrero as a sombrero to protect me from the sun’s harmful rays down in the basement of the mansion.
At last, after a few negative centuries of pancreas-stabby-ness-ness-ness-bleh-hyphens, all the human fetuses were gall-bladder-stabbed, and would be unable to transform into cow-humans. Pen. Unfortunately I had forgotten to kill the boss. Every cow-man base has a boss and I don’t enjoy trying to stab their thighs. All of the bosses put protectors around their skulls so no one can stab them in their thighs. Because of this I had to get Pablo to take his tongs and run up to the boss.
When I came to after becoming randomly unconscious, I was in a cell. I instantly knew I had been cheated and the cow-men hadn’t given me a second life. I also instantly knew I had been arrested by the cow-men, based on the smell of cow-men… and the cell. Yes the cell helped me as well in my assumption. I felt like sleep-walk-transporting out of the place, but I wasn’t tired. Having nothing to do, I fell asleep. I woke up as the cell opened, and they let a regular man in. I was wrong though, it was a cow-man and they shut the door after him. As he entered, I greeted him.
After waiting for him to reply for a few hours, he replied with nothing and thus I assumed he hadn’t replied. Deducing him as boring, I took a wooden spoon out of my pocket and started digging a hole in the wall. It was a futile attempt on my part, as the wall was far too thick. Frustrated, I left out of the cell door that had never been closed.
Soon after the cow-man that was missing an arm came out and followed me. I tried to talk to him, saying, “Did your finger fall off in an accident?” He glared at me with his missing eye viciously, replying, “Yes, my shin fell off by accident. Now be quiet.” He wasn’t very nice about it, so I assumed it was because of his missing ear. We were quiet for a while after that. We exited down the stairs that the guard had come down when he came to bring the cow-man here.
We walked in small circles for a few hours before reaching our destination. I don’t know why he wanted to go wherever I was going, but I didn’t care either. As we reached it, Pablo jumped out of the air-duct door and followed us. We passed a lot of red lines going across the floors and ceilings on our way and as we crossed them a lot of beeping noises emitted from the inner-wall speakers. The lack of noise was obnoxious. Soon, though, Pablo’s sombrero crossed a straight red line going across the walls and a lot of beeping noises emitted from the inner-wall speakers! It was bad, we were going to be caught and people would put us back in the cells. I didn’t like the cells.
Because I didn’t like cells, I didn’t let the noise distract me. It was significantly obnoxious. The seventeen of us came across a large door with a giant keyhole on it’s giant front. We had picked up a giant key, and giant-ally placed it into the giant keyhole on the giant front. After turning the giant key giant-ally and taking it out of the giant keyhole on the giant door, we entered a giant room filled with giant people.
Calling attention to myself, I yelled at all of them. Assuming they were cow-men, I ran up to all of them and simultaneously stabbed them all in their middle toes with my tongs. Despite my stabby-ness-ness of them, they didn’t flinch. In fact, they haven’t moved at all and my tongs didn’t pierce their oddly cold skin. They must’ve been dead, I thought.
Moving on to the next room, I found the boss. I think I saw him first at least, Pablo might have found him and I saw him second. He was a man with the giant key we used earlier hanging off of his chest by a chain. His pockets were full of keys, and these two factors told me what his name was.
And him yelling it out at us… that helped as well. He said, “I am Steven Masterlock! Bow down to me!” His attempt to force us into bowing failed, so he killed us.
I resisted my own death and yelled back, “Ow!” Knowing he would try to strike again, I charged forward and stabbed him with my tongs in his tail. I was foolish though! I was supposed to stab him in his tail, not his tail! He grabbed me and threw me off to the ground. I landed on the ceiling and got angry. I hadn’t imagined that the boss-cow-man would be this difficult.
Pablo entered a room for the first time, one a few rooms away. He left again and came back, entering through the ceiling door for the tenth time. Despite the perfect timing, I decided to punish him with cheese. But not yet though, it wasn’t perfect enough. I needed it to be more horrible before I punished him.
In my break for a long thought about punishment and cheese, Steven Masterlock yelled randomly at me,” TKILK QJKTT KILTB STCRT BLOUL RTCKJ!” He wrote it down on paper too, and showed it to me.
After many long hours, suddenly, a few days ago everything became black. I was in an elevator with everything inside as black. Except for the floor. The floor, like the ceiling, was white. The ceiling held that in common with the walls and the windows. Outside the windows there was a similar feel; similar to the floor. So, in the end, everything was black, other than everything, which was white. After many hundredths of seconds, I was dead. And after I died, everything was avuncular. But none of it mattered, as the world ended three weeks ago anyway.
Comments and criticism (constructive or no) accepted.