The Huntress gets Hunted by the Prey...

[Mage Hunter]

(Closed to Alberdyne Cormyr)

Day 12

The sounds of the forest rang out into the morning as the birds chirped and sang. The flora and fauna coming alive all to well as the sun began creep out from its resting place. Raising up slowly upon the horizon its rays stretched out in the morning to seek those who were still sleeping. As the rays encroached in forest intimately caressing the grass and trees they found once again a lone figure sitting upon a mat in a forest clearing. The light began to warm the skin and heat the body for awhile, its golden rays stubbornly trying to move the immobile figure. The slender hands of the feminine creature were resting upon her knees in a meditative pose. Finally the purple hues of her skin began to flush as her body shook.

Shaking the blackened locks of hair form around her face the arms stiffly rose up to put them back in a neat ponytail. A soft sigh rang through the clearing as the slim figure stretched making sure to relax the tensed muscles form sleeping in a position not quite suited for the task. Humming softly as her eyes remained closed she continued to stretch and relax, before the cold eyes of Drusilia Liadon opened to the world about her. A soft snort left her as she looked upon the downed body before him, the corpse beginning to attract wildlife as the flies buzzed about it. It was the corpse of her last victim, a middle aged man who was versed in the magical arts. He had been a challenge to be sure, but like all challenges before her she overcame.

“Figures, humans are always frail cowards, it amazes me they got past the Stone Age,” She muttered as she got up ignoring the corpse. The robes were long since shredded in the search for magical artifacts, a spell book and a few scrolls used to start the fire the previous night as she kept watch for danger. It was a two fold task, destroying a tomb of knowledge about Magic, and serving as a campfire as she kept vigilant watch. The past few nights had been intriguing as she thought she could see glimpses of something just at the edge of her sight. As good as she was at spotting things with the aid of a campfire, she still couldn’t make out the presence hovering just at the edge.

Her mind was focused as it usually always was following a trance. Her mind was supposed to be trained razor sharp in order to see through the lies to the truth the hunt would bring. Rummaging through her pack she sighed as she pulled out yet more dried meat. She then muttered softly, “Jerky for twelve days is unsatisfying, I’ll need to look for better soon or I’ll go crazy form the repetitiveness.”

Sighing she strapped on her gear once more. Making sure that the quiver went over the sheath and that the sheath at the small of her back was properly balanced so as to allow her a quick draw of the blades. Her mind still focused on the things about her as she filtered through the sounds and the background noise. Her mind was trying to seek out a new target. Finding nothing immediate she sighed as she moved. Pouring a bit of water on the remains of the campfire she scattered the ashes before she moved from the site. She had been moving through the area camping in various locales so as to avoid capture. The guard had gotten militant after she had killed the first one trying to apprehend her.

The poor pathetic Human had barely enough time to consider drawing his weapon before sword was drawn across his chest. When he had attempted to scream out in anguish she silenced him with an upward blow and finished the deed leaving his body like the mage she had slept through the night with in the morning. Only washing her blades had slowed her down then, and with the retrieval of her arrows the mage had also left no trace of her.

With a light hearted sigh she began to move through the forest. A part of her was wistfully sad at the departure from Alerar her home. However as the grief began to try and swell she bit down on it. She had a job to do, and if she had to kill every mage in Corone she would do it if it meant she could continue on the Path of Hunter. Her shirt while loose kept her marginally warm, and also kept her from being accurately sized up. While she was no buxom beauty she was fairly endowed as was the fact her training regiment kept her body toned. Perhaps one day she could give birth to a strong daughter to enroll in the Hunters, but now she had to focus on the task at hand. Being absolved of her crime, and returning to Alerar so she could continue her career.

As she moved through the forest carefully she tried to remain inconspicuous as she made her way towards the road. She would camp a new section today and hope that the next victim would put up more of a fight. Climbing up into a tree she waited silently as she drew her bow. Knocking an arrow she drew the shaft back slightly to prepare for a shot as she eyed the road carefully.

Drusilia was hunting…

Unfortunately they kinda archived the old thread, and with Ter-Thok gone it kinda changed things, so how about we just start fresh with the opener and go from there?

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

((O.k. man let's do this like we discussed on AIM its a pleasure working with you again))

Duke Gallen Cormyr's pride reflected itself on his mighty chest. Pacing back and forth in the silent room of his study, the nobleman pondered the current state of affairs in his household. Also, he pondered the current troubles in Corone in general. Several book shelves containing documents and legal notices pertinent to the records of the Cormyr House filled the shelves of the structures. There were approximately twenty in all. As well as legal documentation many books that belonged to the Cormyr's private collection lined the shelves. Many of them, the Duke's favorite volumes. Some of the works in the collection actually owned the particular status of being First Edition volumes.

Several decorated lamps lit up the room creating an eerie glow. A central fireplace provided the warmth the room's sole occupant needed. Upon the single proud desk made of imported liviol, stood various items of personal interest to the Duke. Within his brain lurked the various plans in different stages of fruition. Duke Gallen Cormyr ultimately wanted to restore the name of his heritage. Once, many ages prior, the Cormyr house-hold boasted a proud connection to Radasanth's aristocracy. Due to the mistakes of an ancestor's sins, the Cormyr name fell into ruin. His family banished into the Concordia Forest to fend off predators and thieves. The laughing stock of Radasanth's nobility, the Cormyr legacy adapted well to the harsh environs. Now though, Gallen Cormyr knew it was time to move on.

Pacing back and forth with a mug in his hand, the Duke pondered the current where-abouts of his estranged wife. In the beginning of his marriage to her, Alma Cormyr proved an immensely loyal woman. Still though, inquisitions into the past revealed shadowy dealings. Shadowy dealings that made Gallen's heart weary. Rumors abounded across his property amongst his workers about the possibilities of a divorce. Duke Gallen Cormyr worked to silence such rumors at least for the sakes of the young Lord Alberdyne Cormyr. His boy. The only heir to the Cormyr legacy. Duke Gallen remained ever aware that a special heritage passed itself from generation to generation with the men of his family. A special heritage that served the dual-purpose of curse and blessing.

A heritage that Gallen Cormyr didn't want for his son. Lately, his wife, Alma Cormyr seemed obsessed with the idea of their son awakening to the special secrets of his family. The Duke wanted none of it. When he voice his opinion his wife's reactions surprised him. She became distant with time, retreating to the property of neighbors and close allies of hers. Duke Gallen Cormyr hoped his words wouldn't construct malice. All he wanted and hoped for, the success of his son and return of his family to power. Thinking of the current events, it had been nearly a month since his last argument with Alma. Over the same trivial matters. Gallen didn't like using his spies to shadow his beloved but her actions left him no choice. She wandered unattended in a dangerous part of the city.

His personal spies revealed information Gallen didn't like. The Duke knew he could pursue leads further, but he trusted his wife infinitely. A rapping at his door caused his musings to fade slowly. How long was the person knocking the Duke wondered? Shrugging carefully and taking a sip of the strong coffee the proud Duke eyed the single door.

"Come." The Duke commanded. The door opened after only a moment and a single person entered. It was Master Dukai of the Order of the Citadel. His presence solicited a smile on the lips of the Duke. "How can I help you Master Dukai? Has my son caused you anymore problems?" The Duke immediately asked. Master Dukai smiled warmly in return for the briefest of moments before taking the Dukes' hands warmly in his own. The two men's friendship seemed a tale with chapters lasting many long years. Duke Cormyr stood approximately a head taller than the Master Monk. But both men held significant heights. Master Dukai appeared much older than the Duke who only held approximately four decades of age.

Master Dukai's appearance made him seem an elderly gentleman in his late eighties. Long white hair crowned the top of his head. Duke's Gallen's own hair was equally long but raven in color. Also, the Duke wore a bear, the Master Monk lacked one. Shaking his head after a brief moment Master Dukai's deep brown eyes appeared deep in thought. This puzzled the Duke every time he saw it. He often wondered what the Monks thought about in their meditations. "Does your visit have something to do with my son?" The Duke inquired after ten minutes passed.

"No my old friend, I'm afraid not. This concerns that Scouting Party we sent out into the Forest two moons ago. We got their last piece of parchment approximately two weeks ago. My men waited for more notices to arrive but none ever did. The rumors about local bandits in the forest and monsters acting wild are scaring the residents of the castle now."

The Duke pondered these happenings. "How many missing does that make now?"

"Approximately ten now. We still have access to a large squad at our disposal but if the monsters start trying to raid the castle NOW--it could destroy us. This needs to be avoided at all costs."

The Duke nodded, his face very serious now.

"Do you suppose this could be an outside matters? Have any of the bodies been found yet?" Gallen asked.

"No, none yet. The men are too nervous to send out scouting parties. Especially if you consider that we're THIS deep in the Concordia Forest those blasted jerks in the aristocracy knew what they were doing when they abandoned your kin to this Thayne-forsaken place."

"Leave the Thayne out of this. Invoking their ilk will only cause more problems my friend." The Duke responded, a note of irritation in his voice at the mention of the so-called deities. "All right we may have to proceed further with our plans at least to ascertain the nature of the vanishings. We can't have something causing such rumors amongst our workers. That lowers productivity and makes it that much more difficult to obtain our goals."

Master Dukai nodded.

"What about that other matter?" Master Duaki asked with a solemn expression visible on the features of his face.

A long pause.

"What have you found Master Dukai?" The Duke responded in a carefully controlled voice, attempting to hide the anguish in his eyes.

"We've obtained this documentation. Their sources are authentic. It is as you feared my Lord. Do you want me to continue to send our Spies in her pursuit?" Master Dukai handed the Duke a series of parchments which he took in his hands.

"No. This is enough Master Dukai. Right now--the education of the boy and that matter should be all that concerns you. Be certain that no harm befalls that child. He is my only heir."

"As you wish my lord."

With that, Master Dukai left the Duke alone. Once he was alone, Gallen allowed himself to be a man. A man with an estranged wife carrying a dark secret that threatened the very safety of his house. The Duke slammed the papers on his desk in a sudden movement of frustration. Then, in the isolation of his room, once he was certain that the door was closed, the Duke fell to his knees and wept in silence. The uncertain future laughing at him right in the face.

********

Unrest filled his Father's house now. Alberdyne Cormyr felt it as certainly as the Vlince he now wore around his person. Currently, the boy placed himself in the library of his Father's castle. This one room still felt like the boy's favorite place in the world. Amidst the thousands of tomes in the Cormyr Collection, Alberdyne knew all he needed to do was draw a book from the many shelves. Once in his hands, opening a dusty volume revealed worlds to the boy and flights of fancy. Already, Alberdyne showed the qualities of an astute learner and a carefully observant lad. Quiet, but ever studious and filled with a desire to learn. His parents couldn't contain their pride at such a blessing from the Thaynes. When Alberdyne wasn't in the library, the Monks instructed him in the arts of warfare--his second great passion.

Much to the dismay of his Mother, Alberdyne showed great interest in Games and Tactics. He'd read the legendary stories of the Gisela Conflicts and other great volumes of ancient wars. Studying their tactics, Alberdyne applied them to his own personal combat regime. Plus, the boy had the benefit of studying with the Monks of the Order. Their knowledge known the world over amongst legends. The Monks knew the secrets required to bend the very fabrics of time and space themselves. These authorities they used liberally in a famous structured known as The Citadel. Monks of the Order currently served as the back-bone of Alberdyne's education much the same way that other young nobles his age were educated. Already, Alberdyne showed great promise as a quick study. Already, Alberdyne excelled quickly at everything he put his brain too.

One of the Monks walked up to the boy as he read yet another volume.

"Master Cormyr, its time for your Father's task." The Monk said.

Without a second word, Alberdyne closed the book and looked up at the Monk nodding in respect. He placed the book onto the table and followed the Monk towards the gathering area of the castle.

[Mage Hunter]

Waiting in the tree silently she watched the roads. people would travel, often times they were nothing but tradesmen, carrying their axes for an honest days work. While she abhorred humans and their civilizations destructive appetite, she did not begrudge them their labor. The were doing it naturally, putting in work. As much as she hated it, it was the work of nature, for even the beasts of nature would use tools to complete their tasks.

However, occasionally she would spy a robed man, only to see the clear clerical markings of a priest. While it did much to relive the dullness, she didn't dare attack a man of the cloth. They were not true magi, at least not yet. She did not know if they ever would be proven as true heretics, but the implications would be profound, and possibly vindicate Drusilia for turning her nose up at the son of a high priest. The exile still branded her harshly, calling her all manners of coward, and she could only hope on day to return home.

Soon however she spotted a group of men coming down the road on horses. Her eyes focused as she began to try and detect them, find any magical trinkets or things that would be necessary to alleviate. Frowning she saw nothing of true magical property upon them. Their garb however told a different story. One of nobility or faith. As she watched them pass by she muttered softly, "Usstan shlu'ta'naut inbau natha lassrinn, shlu'ta Usstan?"

Grumbling she waited in the tree, waiting for a target, it was not as if she didn't have awhile. Eventually her deeds would be espoused, and she would be welcome back into Alerar arms wide. If not, she would simply have to systematically destroy every magic capable person she met, until she was truly ready. Bored she lowered her bow and awaited the next person to walk by. Surely a mage would come eventually...

Translations:

"Usstan shlu'ta'naut inbau natha lassrinn, shlu'ta Usstan?" - I just can't get a break, can I?

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

((Moderator note small use of liquid time to make this all work fluidly, thank you))

Earlier--

In a nearby clearing somewhere to the South-East of Drusilia's position lurked a hidden and powerful presence. If ever there resided a true manipulator of events on Althanas it was the owner of that mysterious power. Neither magi, nor psion, the manipulator possessed a power beyond the fabric of the world of Althanas. Privy to secrets not native to this land, the mad prophet worked to create a future that placed him in a very advantageous position of power. He manipulated things behind the scene subtly placing his fingerprints on all major acts within Corone's history. His agents had subtle play in the current Civil War happening in that country. Having the power to see the future, the mad prophet manipulated the chess-board like a masterful gamer.

Standing in the clearing with a group of dedicated followers, all the figures wore black robes. Followers of an ancient sect once hunted hatefully by the Inquisition's forces, now the prophet stood in a position of authority and abused it greatly. All together, fifteen figures stood in the shadowy clearing chanting in a mysterious dialect. The words themselves belonging to a forgotten tongue of Althanas history. The figures chanted in tandem like a religious congregation. The tallest figure, the priest, was the manipulator of the chess-board himself, an enigmatic figure calling himself Nenkulor. Once a member of the Order of Ai'bron, the man started seeing the Future at an early age. But, the future took on the form of a tree with many branches.

At first Nenkulor might only see the choices that immediately affected his own Future. From the start, the visions frightened him but soon the boy became a skilled interpreter of the future. Early in his teenage years, the boy began to see the futures of all others around him. In time, this fueled a greed within the lad. Using his visions for ill rather than good, Nenkulor found his place of authority as a Monk of Ai'Bron. He closely followed a mysterious individual named Lorenor. Nenkulor saw the nearly limitless potential of darkness that lurked within the boy and became obsessed with the idea of immortality. In such a way, the prophet might cheat death and play his games for all eternity.

Each of the figures in the clearing owned different physiques but Nenkulor's figure was the tallest of the males. Before him sat a figure with a woman's frame upon her knees. A single fire lurked in the center of the clearing lighting the mysterious ceremony. A bizarre resonance flowed around the cult creating a mysterious hue of the air around the clearing. Somehow, this archaic energy made the single fire glow with an emerald hue. As the chanting went into a fever pitch, the prophet handed to the girl a mysterious dagger capable of who knows what. The girl slid the dagger into some pouches at her side nodded deeply, kissed the man's feet, and then parted from the circle following appropriate rituals. Shortly there after, the circle vanished from the physical plane returning the fire to its normal hue.

Once this task was done, the members of Nenkulor's circle slowly faded away into the darkness one by one eventually leaving the man himself alone. He put the fire out and lingered like a spectre for a moment longer before vanishing off to some unknown location. For an individual willing to do so, tracking the girl might be an easy task for her foot-falls were left in the bare earth.


***********************************


Earlier--

Preparing the carriage now to head to Radasanth, Lord Gallen and his entourage set the trap. All though simplistic in nature, Lord Gallen proposed to his men using himself as bait to catch the killer of their magi. His men agreed and formed the scouting party. That left hours earlier and purposefully ahead of the entourage. Lord Gallen's wagon consisted of himself and his wife, and several of his warriors (Including a Butler named Reeves) at his side. The carriage set off into motion when the proper signal was met.

The earlier entourage's riders spotted something amiss in the nearby woods, a mysterious language whispered itself into the air. One of the riders recognized the language as a drow-dialect. "DROW!" The man suddenly yelled and the riders prepared themselves for combat from whatever direction it came. One of the group, a skilled Magus, prepared his archaic forces. His person glowed with a dangerous red tinge to it.

Far behind them but approaching slowly, Alberdyne's carriage made its way to that exact location.

[Mage Hunter]

Biting her tongue she saw the Mage begin to unleash his craft. She should have known, the robes were a dead give away. No self respecting wizard would wear armor. It made doing somatic gestures nearly impossible. Reaching into her pouch she grabbed the Nullstone as she carefully switch hands with her bow. Quickly knocking an arrow she focused her will inside the stone, as she had been trained to do long ago.

A white flash of light flooded the area as the Mage stopped chanting, feeling his connection to the winds of magic not only cut off, but ripped from him. As he opened his mouth to shout out warning Drusilia spat, "Elghinn ulu dos, e'trit!"

As the Mage looked up mouth hung open in shock she released her arrow. The sound of it sailing through the group reached their ears before it came to an abrupt halt, into the Mage's open mouth. A perfect shot, instantly ripping out the throat and vocals of that Mage. Quickly shouldering her bow she grabbed onto a nearby branch scanning the group. She couldn't kill them all, was foolish to even entertain the notion. As the Mage began to gasp and sputter clutching at the arrow, the Guards looked on in disbelief at the perfect shot. Drusilia however, was more than ready to take advantage of the situation.

Dropping onto a nearby warrior, she landed soundly behind him in the saddle. As the man called out in alarm, Drusilia flailed about his belt before she got her prize, a small steel dagger. As she gripped the hilt she jerked dagger free from its sheath. The guards watched in horror before they began to fumble, drawing weapons. However, it was too late. With dexterous hands she drew blade to throat, and completed the incision, dooming another to die. With a harsh shove the body was displaced, on the ground as she slid forward and began the turn the horse, before running off at a gallop through the woods.

"Ji mzilt whol nrunnin..." She muttered as she pushed forward.

Translations...

Elghinn ulu dos, e'trit! - Death to you, filth!

Ji mzilt whol nrunnin... - So much for Boring...

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

The attack happened so suddenly that to say the group of veteran warriors were caught with their pants down was an under-statement. In one fell swoop they lost another prized Magus. How many did that make already? The leader of the group watched the uncanny skill the female Drow used against his fellow Magus. Was it a girl? They couldn't be too sure at this point with the darkness every where. Xanders set up a lamp flare to light up the area around them and hopefully prevent another sneak attack saying a small prayer to whatever deities he believed in for the fallen Magus. Lucas was the boy's name. His family would miss him dearly for he was a great man in the local community having volunteered to serve under Lord Cormyr's court many years prior.

Xanders attempted to get a trained eye on the girl from his cross-bow now realizing it was she killing off their Mages from before. I've got to stop her before it's too late. But the girl was off on a riding beast of some sort, probably stolen from an earlier kill. Xanders recognized the beast quickly from one of Lord Cormyr's own stock. So she's a murderer AND a thief as well. Xanders commanded his minion to halt for a moment and they obeyed. The momentary chaos that followed soon stopped itself and they were ready to face what came next. He understood what happened just then. She had surprise attack on them. It'll never happen again. Xanders spoke to his men for a moment, they dismounted and quickly buried poor Lucas at the side of the road in an unceremonious quick burial. They had little time for niceties since she was heading in the direction of Lord Cormyr's carriage.

This is what they were paid for--their duty.

************************************************** ****

Meanwhile--

Riding forward now as planned, the rider kept a watchful eye upon the road afore them. He had several trained warriors sitting on top of the carriage keeping him company so that predatory beasts of the jungle thought twice before attempting to nab an easy meal. Either of the carriage rider or the horses themselves. Surrounding the small entourage were four other skilled warriors but no Magus in this group. Unless you were to count Lord Gallen's wife, but she was a different type of Magi. One far more ancient and deadly than any sort of Invoker could hope to be. Right now her plan started into fruition. Nearby to the group of warriors (All of the assembled) on a hill several yards from the melee lurked the forward attack party sent by Nenkulor's men. She knew this, but no-one else did.

Alma sat at her husband's right side with the dagger hidden very carefully in her dress. She wore one of her husband's favorite outfits and a smug expression on her face knowing what was about to happen. The old butler, Reeves sat at her husband's left side. Alberdyne Cormyr, and the girl, Jessa sat opposite them. Aside from their own company they were pretty much all alone in the large interior of the wagon-like carriage. Alberdyne read a book of some sort, she pondered what it was. He liked to read about famous battles of the past and other such topics like that. He'd already taken a natural liking to warfare, tactics, and games. Alma looked at her husband who took a short nap. The fool still thought he could rebuild the Cormyr name. At least he tried. She thought to herself. Sitting back in the seat, she waited for the signal from Nenkulor's men.

[Mage Hunter]

She continued down the road, even despite seeing an arrow narrowly miss her shoulder, her good sword arm. Perhpas, she had bitten off more then she could chew. These men, while initially slow, were fast to react once the element of surprise had worn off. As they continued to chase her their cries seemed to stretch before her, almost as if calling out for help. Not wishing to take the time to understand what they were saying she looked back over her shoulder, and nearly cringed seeing the sight before her.

A carraige, heavily laden with guards was fast reacting, the archers kneeling on the top, already sending their arrows flying. As she felt the shafts penetrated her shirt she cursed the lack of armor, as another hit the horse. Thea rcher having no compunction about removing her means of escape. As the horse reared up more arrows poured into the doomed beast, before it reared up, and fell back upon its rider. As she lay under the beast she groaned, the hit knocking the wind from her as she let out a harsh cough, followed by a wheezing gasp.

Laying on the ground she remained still as she realized her shoulder was injured, the arrow had done its job well, making her arm go dead. While she had initially won the fight, the battle was lost when she had wandered right into the main force of which the scouts had been sent to be eyes for. As she lay there, she heard the distinct sound of metal upon metal, before she felt a blade tip under her throat. The blade was pressed carelessly under, showing the disrespect for her life.

"By the authority invested in my by the courts of Radasanth, for the murder of the wizards and the fellow guards you have waylayed, I hold you under the authority of Duke Gallen Cormyr, may the Thayne have mercy on your soul," The man said curtly. It was obvious the act was more for show than anything. However, it made it clear, she was caught as well. The act was more of an underlying insult to the situation that had presented itself.

Looking balefully up at him she spat, "Uss d' nindolen tangin, Usstan orn inbal dosst xukuth whol natha ste'kol. Hwuen t'yin xal, dos flamgra wun uoi'nota..." She then underlined the insult with her spitting on the man's boot as she lay there eyes closed. She hurt in a few places despite her military and tough upbringing.

Translation:

"Uss d' nindolen tangin, Usstan orn inbal dosst xukuth whol natha ste'kol. Hwuen t'yin xal, dos flamgra wun uoi'nota..." - "One of these days, I will have your heart for a toy. Until then may, you burn in hell..."

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Lord Gallen Cormyr flinched when he heard the chaos outside. "Something is going on Reeves." He said to his right-hand Knight. The old butler was a loyal servant and one of the few obstacles in Alma's way that she couldn't prepare for on his own. A powerful user of the Elemental Chi, Reeves' powers were a sight to behold indeed. Having mastered the use of his Chakras from the Monks of the Order themselves, Reeves became a skilled warrior early in his youth. Alma prepared in her own right but circumstances outside seemed calculated to perfection. She smiled at her husband's sudden worry at the situation outside.
She know that all though he was sharp, his mind wandered regularly. Yes it will provide me with ample time to strike.

Keeping the weapon hidden she stayed very close to her husband. Nobody would suspect her at a time like this. She noticed that Reeves kept an unusually sharp eye on her person. Could they already suspect me? She thought to himself and paranoia sank in. One of the soldiers from outside knocked on the door and asked the Lord Cormyr to lower his window. The fallen Duke complied. "Mi'lord, we have a prisoner." The warrior said and saluted the Duke with integrity. It was the last time anybody might see the Duke alive before all Hell broke loose.

********************************************

Alberdyne felt queasy all afternoon since the ride started. He clutched at his stomach and felt Jessa's hand wrapped around his own. They were supposed to be going to visit a relative. Alberdyne had the feeling suddenly that if the ride kept being THIS turbulent then they might never get to the house of their relative at all. This ride is going to kill me. The lad thought as if somehow able to foresee the dark future that lay ahead. Whispers of screams and shouts bothered the boy for a brief moment but they were too far away to discern with any clarity. Alberdyne sighed for a moment feeling like he was going to be sick. "Can we get outside?" And that was her cue to strike.

***************

Gallen signaled the wagon rider to stop the entourage dead. Their archers already fired at the fallen Drowess. The horse was instantly killed with the sheer numbers of arrows that struck them. Already, one of the Duke's men sought to apprehend the suspect and charge her for the previous killings. The Duke opened the door and moved across the wagon letting in some much needed fresh air. Alberdyne prepared himself to follow but the Lady Alma had other ideas. She drew her weapon in a concealed fashioned and quickly struck the Lord Gallen Cormyr, her husband, in the obliquus region. It was a killing blow, and she twisted the blade to prove her point. Quickly removing he dagger Lady Alma started shouting gibberish. Nobody ever suspected her.

Lord Gallen Cormyr's eyes went wide as if they were about to explode from their sockets. All together, the Duke had 20 grown warriors (Including Reeves) at his disposal. None of them reacted in time to save him, not even his right hand man. He fell to the ground with a disgraceful thud crying at the same time he impacted on the floor. His eyes releasing a stream of tears. NOT LIKE THIS. He whispered over and over in his insanity facing the throes of death. Blood leaked out from the mud. "IT WAS THAT WITCH, THE WOMAN FROM OUTSIDE!" The Lady Alma screamed and all hell broke-loose. Reeves pushed Alberdyne out of the way and immediately stepped outside.

When he passed the Lady Alma, she struck Reeves as well. The blade pierced his kidneys, and she twisted it just like the previous attack. Removing her blade in a quick motion, she kicked Reeves out of the wagon to fall upon her husband. At this point her face was twisted with the blood-lust but she focused on the ritual at hand. In a matter of two minutes she took out both her husband and his man-servant as the chaos erupted outside. People panicked as they attempted to figure out how their prisoner killed the Duke and Reeves. In the chaotic moment, they lost sight of Alberydne Cormyr.

Alma cursed her bad luck. It seemed that in savoring her victory she never noticed the boy slip out of the wagon. Jessa stared at her with utter fear in her eyes. The woman simply dismissed her heading outside and preparing for her confrontation with the youth, her son. Looking up at the sky she saw the signal flare shoot up, nobody else would notice it in the chaos. She grinned knowing that the plan was set off like clock-work. The Lady Alma would thank Master Nenkulor greatly on her knees which was the favorite position he liked her to be on. She pursued her son now.

************************************************

In a daze, Alberdyne Cormyrs' thoughts were bedlam. He heard a lot of noise in his head now. Some were animals panicking and others were men shouting in this direction or that. The tears never stopped flowing and he threatened to leave this world at an early age. Never realizing that Lady Alma pursued him, the youth stumbled upon a man holding a prisoner in his custody. He talked to several other guards. Picking up his melee baton in a act of sheer insanity, the boy rushed towards the three guards. In a quick swing taking advantage of the attack of opportunity, the lad knocked out all three guards and moved to free the captured Drow. It was the only thing that made sense to the boy.

[Mage Hunter]

The boy was already cutting her bonds before she reached up and roughly broke the arrow shaft, leaving the head within her body. Later she could potentially pull it out, but in the interim it had to remain in, if only to staunch the flow. Chaos and anarchy, the hallmarks of magic were present as she closed her eyes growling lowly. Shoving the boy away weakly she spat, "Inbau dosst rahi tir uns'aa tonaik rivvil!"

As she stood she drew the sword at the small of her back, holding it in her offhand as the guards turned on her. The archers atop the carriage seemed to draw back their arrows as she cursed her luck and moved swiftly. Before the order to fire could be given she slapped the flat of her blade against the rear of one of the horses, causing it to whiny as it panicked its partner and began to race forward.

As teh hrchers cried out a few of the ones foolish enough to stand were knocked flat on their back as she drew the other sword at her back, despite her hiss of pain. Pain was temporary. Flesh was an illusion, a prison, a weakness. Flesh could be replaced, she could not. And so she shouted again in Drow, "Elghinn ulu l' ogglinnar d'lil Valsharess!"

Beginning the whirlwind of blades she swung them about clumsily as she began to weave them as a blender. Guards remained steady as she tried to keep it up, her arms beginning to fatigue form the effort as she moved closer. She need only a bit more before she could begin the fight in earnest, otherwise she would be caught entering their threat zones unprepared.

Finally getting close enough she began to swing the swords, already seemingly heavy against her targets, as they were expertly parried, each blow turned aside. To her credit, the act of keeping up with her meant they could not attack back, but as more began to join the fight, she knew she was lost. Growling lowly she brought the sword and began to fight recklessly, surely her instructor would be disgusted with her attacks, ignoring herself to strike wounds to them.

Cuts crossed her arms and back as she fought through the pain, gritting her teeth. Her blood streaming down her body, to mix with the sweat, that stung her cuts. As she continued to fight they continued to mob up on her, before she was brutally hit with a gauntleted hand. Stumbling a few steps she dropped her blades as she clutched her face.

"I don't know how you got free and killed the Duke, but you pay for your crimes here you witch!" The guard cried as he raised the blade to commit the summary execution of his threat.

"Usstan el whol usstan, dos dro ulu kla'ath..." She muttered as the sword began its arc, straight for her throat.

Translations:

"Inbau dosst rahi tir uns'aa tonaik rivvil!" - "Get your hands off me you filthy human!"

"Elghinn ulu l' ogglinnar d'lil Valsharess!" - "Death to the enemies of the Queen!"

"Usstan el whol usstan, dos dro ulu kla'ath..." - "I die for my freedom, you live for your slavery."

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

In his current state of insanity he saw the wrongly accused. His Mother killed the Duke and she ran towards them at that point looking like a serial killer ready for more blood. He saw her in a very far away fashion and somehow felt a direct threat to his person. Still though, even with his powers reacting in such a strange fashion and even with the fact that the girl went into some sort of a crazed rage, Alberdyne Cormyr helped her that day. He moved so that he positioned himself in between the guards and the Drow. He raised his arms out knowing that what he did might cost him his life.

With Father and Reeves gone, he no longer cared. There was no life to live without his Father around. With the implications of the fact his Mother betrayed them all, the youth stared in a shocked state. The guards saw this and the Archers immediately steadied their bows, putting them in a relaxed state.

The head guard, Xanders, looked at the boy in a pleading sort of way. He KNEW that the Drowess was responsible for the death of the Wizards under their care. Her method of fighting fit the autopsy reports of the corpses found later on after swift investigation. Several bodies were found in the area around this current battle.

"Let us do our job Lord Cormyr. Your Father is dead. We believe she did it!"

"YOU'RE WRONG IT WAS MY MOTHER!"

"Young Sir you're not yourself right now!"

And that was the cue. A call from a third party suddenly filled the road with chaos. A group of well-trained bandits burst upon the scene carrying weapons made of Plynt and Delyn. Masterwork quality. In one moment fifteen fully trained Rogues raided the battlefield. Alberdyne saw his Mother come closer breaking through the ranks of the guards. In their confused hysteria, little could be done. She came at Alberdyne. The youth looked back at the Drow and the world went into slow-motion. The youth ran blindly into the woods now fleeing from his Mother's wrath not caring about the danger inherit to his person.

As he ran she chased him. Somehow he could hear her calling from very far away and knew something very bad was about to happen to him. The sounds of battle seemed distant now, chaotic echoes. The boy ran until he stumbled upon the banks of a fast moving river, in the distance he saw a waterfall flowing over a cliff. He didn't want to fall into the river. Alma Cormyr approached her son in that flowing white dress looking like some perverse Angel. Her blond hair flowing with the wind. She wore a terrifying expression on her face. The world stopped for Alberdyne.

He felt cold terror grip his heart and soul.

**********

"Now son stop running I just want to talk to you." She said with a mysterious glowing dagger in her hand. She approached the boy knowing he had no where left to run. She started chanting the low murmur of the ritual under her breath able to hide her tongue well. The Master's training served her extremely well now. She could talk on one side of her tongue and whisper the incantations with the other. She visualized the exact verses of power and saw the symbols on the ritual blade begin to light up with energy. She moved forward now covering the distance to the terrified boy. A look of hysteria was on his face and shock. She really didn't want to do this but there was no choice on the matter.

The ritual stated it had to be done on the eve of his eighteenth birthday. Lest the window of transformation be missed. Gripping the dagger in her hand now she approached him quite carefully coaxing him gently with her words much in the same way she coaxed that fool of a husband. It might all be over soon enough.

********************

Alberdyne simply stopped trying to run at that point. The river felt close to him and he could feel the raw power of it for some strange reason flowing through his heart, through his flesh. A vibration lurked about the world and the trees sang a song of sorrow for the boy. He watched his mother approach much like a phantasm now. Her words inaudible. He no longer care that she wanted to kill him. Once she covered the distance from her position to his own, something happened that Alberdyne Cormyr would never forget to his dying day. She struck at him with the dagger. The blade glowed with a mysterious after-image, as she plunged it towards his forehead at the dead center. Suddenly, the boy felt a energy point awaken that wasn't there and yet always was there. He felt a secondary set of eyes open and saw with this eye for the first time. When the dagger hit him, he felt his very soul split in half. Part of him fell into the Anti-Firmanent and a part of him remained in the physical world. He saw the world as a duality at that point on, as the truth of the world. Spirits came alive all over the forest as the last thing he saw.

Blood poured down face in a crimson mask from the impact point. He should be dead. I am dead. He thought. The jarring eruption of the dagger turned him slightly into an un-dead that day. One touched by the powers of Eternity. The woman removed the dagger from her son completing the ritual but something happened she didn't plan for. The boy, overwhelmed by seeing so much Spirit Energy, fell into the river. With blood streaming from his person, his Mother desperately reached for her son. After all, she didn't want to kill him in the first place. She managed to catch her son's hand but only just barely so. Already the boy grew cold with each passing moment in the water.

With the rage of the river moving against her, somehow, the water seemed to speed up to protect the Son from the Mother. With the dark ritual complete, the boy was lost to the fold of the water. He flowed down-stream with his mother yelling obscenities. Soon, the water-fall took him and eventually gravity. He fell across time and space.

[Mage Hunter]

As the guard that held her at blade point glared at her, all hell began to break loose. Men covered in face and vicious as her had descended upon the group. Another ambush, as unlikely as it would seem had befell the group. As Drusilia watched the bandits drew guards, in order to rush forth and distract those who would protect their charges. The battle joined they almost forgot the killer left in their midst. It was time to escape, with so few eyes upon her...

Moving quickly she scooped up her swords, sheathing one before running towards one of the nearby horses. The horse she had stolen earlier was dead, however, this one, this one would do nicely. A chestnut mare, she mounted it swiftly making use of the saddle horn to slide into the position. Squeezing her legs together she hissed, "Go!"

The horse took off at a gallop through the chaos as she leaned down low to the horse, cutting down how much she was being dragged by the wind. Finally as they made it back to the original site of her ambush she brought the horse to a stop. The adrenaline of the situation fading she felt light headed. Giggling uncontrollably she tried to stop herself as the blood loss began to take earnest. Looking at her shoulder she could see a bit of broken shaft from where the arrow had punctured her shoulder.

Laughing again she reached up into the tree to grab her bow. Complete she moved on through the forest, looking for a new hiding spot. The presence was somewhere, that much she knew, and it was circling, better leave, heal and recuperate, before she drew upon more than she could handle. However, as fate would have it, she began to sway in the saddle as another wave of light-headedness hit her. Clutching her head with her good hand she groaned softly before it overtook her. Slipping from the saddle the horse snorted as it came to a halt. She had passed out in the forest, upon the road.

~*~

Boots heavy and dirty trudged through the forest. Having witnessed the last sight he would ever need to, he moved forward to the downed visage of the Drow warrior. Pulling the pipe from his lips he grunted softly before he uttered softly, "Don't make 'em like they used to. Back in the old days, a hunter could 'ave taken twice the blood loss and been fine. Comes to show ye, these kids have no respect for traditions..."

"And back in the old days wizards were far worse, and magic was an unstoppable killer, yes we get the point Baruk. Lets get her back to camp, she's going to attract much more attention, the poor duke..." A man strolled forward as he leaned down. Carefully pulling the swords from their holsters, he handed them to Baruk as well as the bow before he quickly patted her down for more weapons. SHouldering the girl the man sighed as he strained to get her up, "Not a lightweight, perhaps she isn't just a baby..."

"I tell ye if Thoracis Rakarth were still general of the Alerian army she'd still be awake..." The dwarf Baruk said. His leather armor stretched as he shouldered the weapons with a whistle before putting the pipe back between his lips. Puffs of smoke came from it before he pulled it out and puffed smoke out. "Travis, I have to ask, do you think she's really going to be the one?"

Travis, a man also clad in leather armor stopped looking over his shoulder. He sighed before he said, "You and I have both had our goes, and as far as I'm concerned the Traitor Generals are far out of our league, time to train the new group, before the last of us are destroyed. General Reyes is already wiping out camps near Otaria. How long before she gets bold enough to hit Corone, or Allerar?"

"Aye, that witch took my best axe she did, poor shaft, Liviol too! I have never seen anything like it," Baruk said as he moved alongside his friend. They marched back to the camp, drowess in custody before Baruk said thoughtfully, "What if she doesn't want to train? Drow were stubborn, back in my day-"

"Dirt was a new concept and women had just become the newest invention to rival beer, yes I know Baruk, just, trust me for once, and don't question my methods. She's still connected to the river, and she needs to disconnect fast, or she will be killed. Thats our first goal..."

"Aye, stupid wench, hunting us down...Alright, I'll get the medic, probably can't take magic anymore, poor lass. Be rough on her to say the least..."

Spoils:

Wanted for Murder - Druisilia has been associated with the murders of Duke Gallen Cormyr and his personal servant Reeves. Should Druisilia be spotted at ALL by the Corone Guard she is now Kill on Sight.

Drain Magic – By exerting the basic ability of Magic that is innately present in all life, the hunter can begin to drain the Magical energies form the very air about them. The result is a feeling of coldness as the Mana is pulled into a vortex and locked away. Note that the accumulated Mana is not destroyed only stored. This often times is used by hunters trying to prevent a charge up attack, but requires two things of them;

1) They must remain stationary the entire process as the funnel must remain stationary to effectively drain the Mana.
2) The spell must not be more powerful than the hunter. In terms of levels a Hunter can only drain magic in an area that is no more powerful than they are. The spell Level must match the Hunter’s Level or be lesser for the Hunter to be able to drain the Magic. Cannot be used against instant cast spells.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

****Epilogue*****

They called.

Oh did they call.

As Alberdyne Cormyr fell across time and space physics made no sense. He called but no-one living responded. Before him stood a grey field lacking any color and devoid of life. Yet motion and kinetics abounded somehow. The physical portion of him felt the water flowing around him even as fell down the waterfall. Somehow, everything was far away. All at once, the youth heard the callings of the dead. The Firmanent melted away and became the Anti-Firmanent.

Spectral forms hovered about the boy. A certain group of forms were fresh from a recent battle. Alberdyne saw his Father and the butler Reeves as they awaited their final judging patiently. They approached the young would-be heir of Lord Gallen Cormyr. The last living kin of their secret legacy. The Duke touched his forehead with that ghostly touch and whispered one word, it was a word that the boy might remember forever.

"Awaken."

**********

And the boy did. Passing back into the Firmanent, blood flowed from his forehead with a tremendous pain. Somehow, the young lad survived the entire ordeal only to end up on muddy banks in a state of complete shock. A thing on his forehead hurt like hell. The boy tried to touch his forehead only to cry out in pain. He kept his head in the mud wishing for death but knowing it wasn't going to be that easy. Looking up, the youth heard foot-steps in the distance and passed out before he could ascertain the identities of the newcomers.

Fin.

*************************

*****Spoils******

001--Mark of the Awakened--A gift of his people that allows the boy to speak to the spirits of the dead. It also allows the young psionic to see the truth in things before they happen. Currently at its lowest possible state, the boy can only see one spirit at a time and commune with one spirit at a time. He can only foresee one possible future at a time as well. This allows the boy to react quickly to danger and plan ahead. (Locked until level 1)

[Wraith]

Aright, I want to start out explaining why I took this quest instead of Storm Veritas. As you may know, there's a bit of a back up in the judge's forum of threads, and anything that can be done to help alleviate it is needed. So I decided to take the next quest in line which happened to be this one. Storm Veritas isn't really active anymore, and only judges occasionally because of the amount of work he has in real life, so I didn't really think you'd mind me stepping in to give you a good judgment promptly.

Now, before I get this underway I just want to mention that if you have any problem with my judgment, you should IM or PM me, and I'll help you get through to proper channels to get the judge you originally requested for a re-judgment. However, I fully plan on giving you as much detail as you requested.

STORY ~

Continuity (6) ~ I actually believe this one of the better parts of the quest. You both managed to give me an amount of back story that didn't leave me questioning why the characters were there.

Mage Hunter; I was a little confused early on as to what exactly her exile was, and throughout the thread you never quite gave the entire thing, but instead slipped it in as hints and tidbits. While I wanted to know a little more, I also liked the idea of trying to figure it out myself. All in all, it was able to understand she hates Mages and likes to kill them, so even if it's not the best reason for being in the Concordia, it's a reason that works for me. With a few more hints, or a quick flashback or storytelling about your exile, you might have received a higher score. All in all though, I thought you did well here.

Alberdyne Cormyr; though a bit long winded, I did enjoy your exposition at the beginning of the thread. You managed to give me the history of a mysterious past, which is not often easy to do. I knew why Gallen went after Mage Hunter, and you gave good reason as to his suspicions to his wife. The arrival of the monk in the first post gave me ample reason as to why the characters were there, and explaining Alberdyne's love of books set him up in the library perfectly.

Setting (5) ~ At times you both managed to paint a vivid picture that quickly fell into disuse and started right back up. Both of your opening scenes were crafted rather well with detail, Mage Hunter had her proud warrior waking up from a meditative sleep, Alberdyne wrote of his character's father pacing his stress filling body through a once proud family home.

However, as you got further along into the quest, I believe you fell victim to two common ailments on Althanas.

1.) You both began to lax a little when it came to details, Mage Hunter especially. I got the feeling from MH that his character was just sitting a top a tree branch of negative space, aiming it at whoever came from the ambiguous white abyss. Alberdyne, you lapsed into this at times. Both of you managed to have posts with scare setting details, and then a post after it where you did describe, rather well, the world around you.

2.) Forests are a death sentence for settings. They've been seen, described, and narrated so many times before that it's easy to fall into the pattern I described above. I didn't really see either of you trying to paint a different picture than that of any fantasy novella, so the score stays at a 5.

Some more notes:
I'd have liked to see, obviously, some more setting while in the forest. The sounds of men screaming, it was good, but what about smells, and feelings all round? Was it muggy? Cold? Sensory information is a great way to get more detail across and I found that you both stuck to sight and a few sounds. There are five senses, remember.

I liked Alberdyne's description of the river towards the end of the quest. That actually pleased me a lot, especially when mentioned in the epilogue.

Pacing (3) ~ I could honestly tell this was intended to be a solo, and that Alberdyne allowed Mage Hunter in sort've on the fly. It sticks out to me that this was one man's story with a side character who kind've felt out of place most of the time. At it's roots, it's a story about a once proud family trying to rebuild itself, while forces from within work against it and try to unleash a family curse/blessing in the last/youngest of their brood. It's a good story in synopsis, combining elements of many a good fable. But the problem still stands out that there's another story going on at the same time, one of a person trying to redeem themselves through blood. Another great story through synopsis, but tying these together as loosely a you both did didn't bold well for the thread in the least. These two stories felt separate until Alberdyne freed Mage Hunter, Mage Hunter could've easily been chased by another carriage stacked with warriors and archers, and Alberdyne could've been in another carriage with a psychopathic, dagger wielding mother. Two stories playing out it often tough to work with, so I commend you on your attempt.

Other things that damaged the Pacing score will be mentioned in Clarity and Mechanics. There were a number of confusing parts that tripped me up. Not to mention I felt the quest was just a bit too short, with not enough development of some lesser characters.


CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (6) ~ For the most part you stuck to what your characters would say. Mage Hunter was the racist (not xenophobic, you were full blown racist, because Alerar does have humans) and proud warrior with an absolute hatred for magic. It showed well. Although, your character didn't seem to utter any tradespeak. Why is that? She knows it, insults hurt more when you say something someone else understands.

Alberdyne did a fair job in speaking with Gallen, however the first post made both the monk and Duke Gallen sound incredibly similar. Whether this was on purpose because they were old and dear friends, or an inability to grasp the differences, I'm not sure. However, it was a bit distracting for me to read over it. Some small bits of the dialogue seemed awkward at times, but it didn't detract from the overall thread.

All in all, there wasn't that much dialogue, and I feel most of the quest focused on persona, a sort've looking glass into Alberdyne's (and even Drusilla's) souls. Some of the NPCs spoke like proper cannon fodder should, but I can't really find reason to complain much.

Action (4) ~ This is where confusion sets in and I have to lower scores. There were several things in this I want to address quickly because they're so constantly annoying to me.

-The horse Drusilla first stole, it fell on her. You mention the arrow wound in your shoulder and a bit of shock, but a fucking hose just fell on you! Horses way a lot, averaging over 1,000 pounds. Something should've sprained, broken, or even shattered from such a tremendous force falling upon you. King Theoden didn't die because of the Witchking's sword or fellbeast. He died because his fat ass horse fell on him.
-The archers that shot at Drusilla while atop the carriage. This was another scene that didn't make much sense to me. Here's a quote from Alberdyne's post:

Gallen signaled the wagon rider to stop the entourage dead. Their archers already fired at the fallen Drowess. The horse was instantly killed with the sheer numbers of arrows that struck them. There's only one place you can hit a hose if it's fleeing from you, and that's its ass. It's hard to kill something by firing volleys into its ass, and I got the impression that with the massed arrows, Drusila should've been shot full of holes. Now, I'm not sure whether Drusilla was charging suicidally head first into the carriage, or if the carriage was chasing her down (clarity issue). I assume chasing her down.
-Duke Gallen Alberdyne wanted to use himself as bait to catch the Huntress. But why? One can assume that he thought the huntress would want to stalk whoever sent guards after her. However, this entire plan quickly devolved into use the scouts as bait, and then have a crazy fucking carriage chase down a dirt path. Not only would having many warriors outside the carriage scare any sort of assassin to attack such numbers, it also seems as if the Duke could've just stayed home.
-Why the hell did Alberdyne release Mage Hunter?! He could've still done that if he had at least screamed out, "Hey everyone, my mother just stabbed my father! Ask Jessa, she can tell you!"

And for god sakes, why did he bring his wife and only heir with him if he was using himself as bait?

Persona (6) ~ As I've said before, this quest seemed like something prime for character persona. It was the main focus of the thread, so I think because of that, you pulled it off well.

Mage Hunter; Drusilia isn't a complicated character in the least. She has a single tracked mind and seems cliche by a lot of fantasy standards. However, that's not to see you didn't write her well. It was easy for me to picture her anger, resentment, and complete lack of care for life. This isn't a feat easily accomplished, and I think you did fairly well creating something of a trained assassin/monster/amazon hybrid. There were times when some of her actions seemed a little too awkward. Like reading her pow before she even sensed magic, instead, waiting for someone magic to walk by. Having a network of informants about magic users is probably much more valuable than hiding in the woods, and I can only imagine that Drusilia is intelligent enough to adapt to the situations she finds she's deep within.

Alberdyne; your focus wasn't on Alberdyne Cromyr as I'd think you would've liked it to be. Instead, I felt a good portion on persona was shifted over to Gallen. I felt more for this character than I did for Alberdyne, and I think it was a good thing. It detracted from the supernatural aspect of the thread, shifting focus to a more human feel.

However, some of your lesser characters felt like driftwood to me. I would've liked a little more from Jessa than rubbing Alberdyne and feeling scared at a crazy woman. I would've liked to have known a little bit more about Alma and her feelings, besides homicidal rage. She smiled when chaos was breaking out around the carriage, seeing the worried face of her husband. It's incredibly suspicious, but besides the quick paranoia, it wasn't played along any further.


WRITING STYLE ~

Technique (5) ~ Average. I saw a few good tools of the trade used here. There was some vivid imagery from Alberdyne, that came and went with setting. However, It was actually rather bland in places that, again, affected the pacing of the story.

One thing I did notice (at least in contrast to Alberdyne) was that Mage Hunter rarely used Drusilia's name. I thought it was clever, if it was on purpose. It adds a needed mystique to the character.

Mechanics (3) ~ There were an awful lot of typos, especially from Mage Hunter. I could count on at least three for each post, maybe more. Some of these helped distract from Clarity, while others were kind of amusing. I'd say spellcheck couldn't catch all of these, but it can. Because a lot of the typos would've been easy to see with spellcheck. Whether it was "thea chers" or some other mistake of flying fingers, it was noticeable and distracting.

Alberdyne; you have a lot of awkward phrasings in your writer that add girth but subtract depth. I'll go over a few from one or two paragraphs, and I'll show you more if you want to IM me and ask.


The girl slid the dagger into some pouches at her side nodded deeply, kissed the man's feet, and then parted from the circle following appropriate rituals. First of all, you can only slide a single object into a single carrier. But then you forget to add a comma after side. I can't be sure if this was on purpose, or just a simple typo because you did remember to add two other commas.


Lord Gallen proposed to his men using himself as bait to catch the killer of their magi. Another sentence that looks like you've forgotten a word. "that he'd use himself as bait" is all that's needed.



Far behind them but approaching slowly, Alberdyne's carriage made its way to that exact location. There's no reason to add exact. It just adds another word and looks completely awkward.


She had surprise attack on them She had sprung a surprise attack of them? She attacked them by surprise?

Clarity (3) ~ Because of the numerous typos and awkward sentences, clarity was already in mirky water. But I had to read over parts of the quest many times to see if I was correct in my assumptions of plot. It grew confusing when I couldn't figure out who was leading the scouting part. Usually bait doesn't need a scouting party, it needs back up behind. Xanders came sort've out of no where, with no previous introduction. And it seemed like he had just happened upon the scene from far away by the way he mentioned Drusilia taking the horse. He was probably there at the battle. These moments weren't momentous, but they were everywhere and grew so distracting. I found myself trying to draw a map of what was going on.

Wild Card ~ 7 Don't get me wrong, I actually liked the story. That's why I'm giving a 7 here. The story and some character aspects were really good. But the delivery was sub par to what the story really deserved.

Again, if you want a re-judgement, just notify me and I'll secure you one.

If you want to discuss any of my points, don't be afraid to IM me.

Total Score ~ 48
EXP/Spoils~
Mage Hunter gets 680 EXP, 115 GP
Alberdyne Comyr gets 700 EXP, 120 GP

All spoils requested are granted for now until the Realm of Greet Staff either officially approves or disapproves of their use.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!