The Syndicate. [i]Water Straight Up.[/i] (Closed)

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Otocar's visage haunted Alberdyne Cormyr's brain now. So did the older man's words. The boy certainly didn't trust the older man and now the contract mission sealed itself. Alberdyne needed to use his wits, available resources, and what contacts he knew of from his family education. Fortunately for the boy, Father's resources also could prove very valuable. Suddenly feeling the weight of his isolation Alberdyne stopped to look around at where he actually was. His family left him all alone in the middle of the Slums District of Radasanth--not the safest place for a young lord-ling. Again the uncomfortable feeling of lecherous eyes surrounded the youth.

Immediately, Alberdyne felt his guard rise. Though he somehow knew most of the criminal element in Radasanth could probably have their way very easily with him if they wanted. Eyes surrounded the youth and for a moment he tried to spot the guard that offered him assistance earlier. To the youth's luck, the guard's person seemed far from sight. Feeling the weight of peril around him Alberdyne closed his eyes for a brief moment trying to get a grip on the situation. Already, he could feel anxiety boiling in his stomach from the situation at hand. Listening to what little wind howled its way through the busy streets Alberdyne walked quickly towards a street lamp trying to gain his bearings.

Observing the sings of the city for a moment he tried to see which streets he could remember. Visualizing the charts and maps he'd studied in his youth Alberdyne felt himself calming down after a few more minutes passed. He knew it was getting light now. Looking up from his deep breathing Alberdyne saw the Radasanth sky already growing darker. He wasn't sure what time it was at all. All he knew that at a certain part of Radasanth, his Father told him that the hired help should be there. Deciding that he'd better start on his way towards the first rendezvous point, Alberdyne ignored the local riff-raff for the time being. For now, Alberdyne's luck held up and none of the locals seemed to want to bother him--yet.

[Modrue]

Time had come and gone, and in its wake there was only a bloody streak of death and decay. It had passed, leaving those not able to keep up behind, leaving them to monotonous lives and unbefitting prize. Modrue was not one of those. From the shadows of the past he shifted through to the present, and very well into the future. The Banishment had been hiding from the light, keeping out of the Alerarian sights. There was only persecution for the elite guild of assassins, nothing to gain but the hangman’s noose. Despite it all, he returned to Corone, to Radasanth and its slums. The bloody streak of the past was drying, it was time he made a new one, a thicker one.

His terse thoughts cursed the petty human race, and their weak allies. Corone had gone to hell. He wished he had brought it there. But instead they had brought it upon themselves, outsourcing the assassinations to mainland sword-for-hire’s. It disgusted the demon, angered him to no end. When had the good and once feared name of The Banishment gone from taboo to forgotten? He would not resurrect it; fate had shown him it was not the proper course to take. He would, however, pick up where he alone had left off, and once again work towards becoming one of the most feared assassins of Althanas.

In his hand, crumpled up into a small ball, was the mission he had been given. It was a wealthy bounty that was to be offered, but it was the thrill of the hunt that spurred Modrue. He passed his sharp tongue over sharper teeth, longing to sink his fists and face into flesh. House Cormyr’s son, a pompous wealthy aristocratic house in exile, had been offered a mission through unorthodox and less than satisfactory means. It was dealing with the Criminals Syndicate of Corone, and due to that fact alone they had offered more money to protect the man than accomplish the mission.

Overhead the cloudless sky was showed only the void of light from the new moon. Starts flecked and danced with their miniscule light, like thousands of diamonds. The crimson eyes of the demon caught the celestial glint and raised a clawed hand, praising the only Thayne he followed. She was hiding her face, her bright prison casting no light, but he thanked her all the same. He turned his face back to the alleyways of the slums, watching it all with a droll expression from his perch along the rooftop.

Radasanth was full of fools, but none so dangerous or idiotic as those that frequented the slums at night. Only the truly damned of the humans and the most sinister walked the streets, not even the night watch frequented the area. It was the closest to comfort that Modrue ever felt while in the confines of the populace city. He felt pathetic and weak for it though. “The whores sell themselves, their pimps reap their profit. The thieves call it home, and the criminals get their work. This is a sad place for an elite assassin to be prowling.”

But it was not within Radasanth that he found his work, simply his contacts and the man he was to meet for the task ahead. Modrue slipped into the shadows around him, letting the cool release of the darkness’ embrace hold him tightly. It was one of the few loves he held. A love so dear and so unconditional that he would let nothing stand between himself and it. It was a gift of N’jal, a power few could control or call their own. As quickly as the shadows took him he moved, slipping through them and finding his way to the one known as Alberdyne.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Radasanth by night took on its own dimensional property almost. A pale artwork very different from the Radasanth of the daylight hours. The inhabitants of the Slum District owned hearts touched by the darkness. One, a young lord-ling looked up at the sky and saw how quickly the night seemed to arrive in this area of the world. A chill went up and down his spine. A blanket of grey clouds covered the familiar stars. Alberdyne realized that Radasanth's night sky owned a considerably different texture than the night of Concordia Forest.

Alberdyne wondered why his Father worked so hard to get back in favor with the aristocracy of this place. Somehow, trouble managed not to find its way to the boy's path--at least just yet. Standing in front of a solitary cathedral Alberdyne realized that he was lost. Alberdyne kept his eyes from meeting any of the locals, doing his best to avoid trouble. Sometime passed as he stood in front of the old cathedral. Alberdyne noticed that the Thayne weren't worshiped in this part of Radasanth. Some sort of local deities having to do with harvests and crops.

Their names eluded the boy's knowledge. Alberdyne studied the various stain glassed windows. Observing a mysterious glow around the building for a brief moment the boy felt like exploring the sanctuary. The pull felt great but the boy resisted. Suddenly, he felt that he was no longer alone. From a shadowy area behind him Alberdyne turned towards a dark presence. The presence filled the boy with a cold fear.

Still something about the presence pulled him as well. A distinct scent of sulfur filled the air for a moment. A long moment. Alberdyne noticed with a start that nobody lurked around his person anymore. Where lecherous eyes once seemed to breathe down his neck. Alberdyne turned on the heels of his feet towards the mysterious presence. He felt cold and excited all at the same time. Without realizing he'd arrived at the exact rendezvous point his Father mentioned.

Alberdyne stayed quiet though as he observed the coming stranger.

((Hope you don't mind the slight bunny dude))

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

((Kyle i need to get this done. I know you're going through some stuff IRL so its okay. I'll finish this on my own. I'll just say that Modrue is really some other Assassin for the time being. If you still want in on this quest just tell me about it on AIM. Moderator note: I'm completing this as a Solo Quest))


Alberdyne felt the small hairs on the back of his neck rising up. They stood in a stiff position as if someone breathed down his neck. Of course, in the place he was after all, many ruffians lurked. The young apprentice turned around quickly in an almost military fashion. He rotated his body on his heels and looked for whoever it was that breathed down his neck. All he noticed was a thick darkness, an unnatural darkness. A certain area around the cathedral turned suddenly into a mysterious voice. Alberdyne heard no noise coming from that side of the streets now and saw no lights coming from it either.

Still, he felt drawn to this darkness. The boy looked at the chapel for a moment seeing a mysterious glowing halo around him. Somehow, the chapel called to him as if warning him not to enter the darkness. The stranger approached from the shadowy manifestation. At once he saw the supernatural air that the stranger possessed. A demonic ASSASSIN lurked before him now. The young one saw glowing red eyes and a simple outfit that showed off his powerful upper body. Approaching the stranger now, Alberdyne did the only thing he thought he should do. He bowed deeply to his potential partner. The stranger looked down upon him and placed his hand upon Alberdyne's shoulders.

"Rise." It said calmly. "Your Father is a man of many mysteries. He contracted me this night straight from Haidia. My name is Morleth. Morleth Ohurru." The demon-warrior said and Alberdyne wondered if it spoke the truth at all. "I am your assistant this night. Your Father told me to give you this as proof." Handing an object to the young warrior, Alberdyne took it in his hand. It was a coin emblazoned with the Cormyr insignia. He also saw his Father's face on it and Alberdyne knew only a few such coins existed in this fashion. "I am yours to do with as you please." Said the boy. He attempted to give the coin back to the Demon, but the Demon refused its ownership.

"Your Father said you should keep it as a memento of this night. Time is moving against us, that is the first rule of using the art of Stealth."

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

"Stealth?" The boy asked calmly. He'd read about the art a few times in his deep studies. Still the idea of using clandestine tactics seemed foreign to the youth but somehow fit the nature of the Syndicate. He remembered the words of the bartender's jaded speech. Don't get yourself caught. Seemed to be the real meaning of the man's words. The Syndicate participated in all sorts of notorious activities. The Assassin looked at the youth in a disapproving sort of way. After a long moment, the Assassin spoke again. "Your Father said things were bad but I didn't imagine that they were THIS bad. You are very unprepared for this mission but given what your Father told me you are a quick study. This is very crucial to me. I don't like having to repeat myself. You will do as I say or we shall fail this mission."

The Demon paused for a moment. Alberdyne saw that the creature listened to something very far away. As if it communed with the shadows themselves. His glowing red eyes still unsettled the boy but he got used to it quickly. After all his Father sent the creature to him, then he had to obey the thing's words. Alberdyne considered the creature currently the same thing as his Fathers. Suddenly it said something strange.

"Take off your shoes boy."

Though the youth found it strange, he did so. He quickly removed his shoes and his socks without question handing it to the Demon. In turn, he took the shoes and tossed them into a nearby-garbage heap. Removing a special pair of boots from his own travel packs, Morlen handed the pair to him. "I'm not sure if these are your size or not but you'll just have to deal with it. We're short on time. These shoes will help you make considerably less noise as they are out-fitted for such a task." Morlen explained while Alberdyne quickly put the new shoes on. Indeed, they felt much lighter and in some ways the material of the boots felt much tougher than the former hide boots he wore before. They were also black. "Take off your clothes now except for your underwear and place them in your packs. You will be wearing this from now on."

Morlen handed the boy a bundle at that point. Moving quickly now, the boy felt cold when he stood there almost naked. He was thankful that Morlen allowed him to keep his basic clothing on at the very least. He changed into the black pair of cargo pants, and matching black t-shirt. A black leather trench-coat accompanied the set of clothing as well. He packed his old clothing as he was told, replacing his gloves with the brass knuckles back on his person preparing himself for the night's adventures. His melee batons were sheathed at his side. He finished lacing up his boots and the demon assassin looked him over. "Here we need to do something about your hair."

The Demon snapped his fingers and he felt pressure around his hair as the shadows weaved in and out of it. They turned his hair into a tightly braided bunch ending at the waist-level. Not quite dread-locks, but a long series of braids none-the-less bunched together. A single shard of darkness manifested itself as a hair-band around the bunch of hair. The youth put his packs back on, hiding them underneath his trench-coat. It might act as a cape now. Morlen nodded his approval. Then quickly, he reached out with his hand and slashed Alberdyne across the cheek-bone. A fierce red scar burst there as the nail dragged across his flesh. Morlen had an amused facial expression as the youth felt the stinging pain saying nothing.

"That's so you know where your allegiance lays."

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Once again listening to the darkness with that far-away look, Morlen awaited further instructions. Once he had them he nodded once again to that far-away host. Morlen looked at Alberdyne for a moment. "A guard approaches us now, merely a few yards away. Your first task is to evade them without getting caught. They are drawn to something YOU DID earlier. Or at least someone fitting your description. It seems some local ruffians have sold you out. When I give the word, your test will begin. Remember you are to defend yourself at all times. This is the Radasanth Slum after all. Use the Darkness to guide you and perhaps the Dark Mother will reveal her secrets to you." Morlen said and suddenly took off leaping high into the air. He easily covered the distance with powerful legs from his current position to the to of a nearby building. Morlen never took a single step towards the chapel and Alberdyne noticed that disdain.

Thinking to himself for a moment, the youth felt something seeping into his pours. There was something there within that darkness trying to vie strongly for his atma. Alberdyne looked longingly back at the chapel but he knew he made his choice now. The night-guard made their way to his person now and he was in considerable danger. A strict curfew was in play in the Radasanth Slum district thanks to the Corone Empire's paranoia. Alberdyne was on the move now once he could feel that living darkness. Everything came easily to him from that point on.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Like all the Elements of the world, the Darkness had a particular vibration to it and it came surprisingly fast. Somehow feeling like a dance partner that he'd lost long ago, the darkness guided his movements in an effective sort of way. He swore he could almost hear the lulling call of the elemental energy. This was a strange sort of way to perform his actions. He listened carefully to the will of the Dark Mother. Somehow, he'd learned that phrase well too. In a matter of moments the Dark Mother revealed to him vast secrets. It also whispered to him a forbidden name--the name of N'Jal. The Spider-Queen imprisoned in an asteroid above the world of Althanas--very far away. This made him shiver with the realization that such things might exist as the Thaynes. This was a thing the young philosopher never considered before.

In a single moment his entire perspective on life changed that night. He moved quickly hearing the guard approaching like if they moved through an intricately formed spider-web. Vibrations crawled across his skin as he could almost hear their far-away conversations. It felt as if they were up close to him. The boy moved now sensing Morlen somewhere above him but not that far away. Keeping up with the more experienced demon, the youth made his way towards the targeted place that Morlen moved to. Things would take an uphill route once they made their way to the warehouse that they sought. In the mean-time, the boy simply followed Morlen's shadow.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Successfully evading the night-watch, the boy made his way towards the first rendezvous point. Morlen awaited him with a fresh body at his side. A wagon lurked before them just then having left from some shady dealings. When Alberdyne stopped in front of Morlen the Assassin nodded calmly and handed him a bundle. It was a longsword of some-sort. "You will need a proper weapon. Don't worry its light, it's steel. Should suit you well at this point in your training. Anyway we're after the horses right now. We need to head over to the warehouse, should take a couple of nights' straight riding to get to that district where the warehouse is. Once inside we have to disable their defenses and take out any sort of alarm system that may lurk. We have to be very careful to retrieve the full package we need to give back to the Syndicate's Suppliers. If we fail in this they'll hunt us for the rest of our days. I personally want one of those enchanted pearls myself Alberdyne. If we hurry we'll get them off guard on the second night."

Morlen instructed. They had to be as shadows. Removing the tethers from the horses at the wagon, Morlen released the extras. They only needed two horses. Alberdyne knew they had to head east-ward past Serenti. A local place where many famous contests took place. The Assassin was right, two nights of hard riding would take them past Serenti and beyond to the town called Fenthar. A group called the White Guild needed to be infiltrated, Alberdyne explained the details to Morlen as they traveled and everything came into place thanks to the Dark Mothers' blessing.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

As soon as they left Radasanth, the duo headed east-ward towards Serenti however the horses were only part of the trip. Morlen knew another way to arrive to Fenthar and ultimately to the White Guild. Everything in the city revolved around the hard-earned gain of a quick GP. Being with Morlen drove the youth's ambitions to obtain quick fame as a rogue. It might be kinda fun.

Riding at a moderate gallop, the two would-be thieves rode bare-back keeping only the reigns upon their horses. The boy rode alongside his instructor thinking about Jessa the entire time allowing his mind to wander briefly. Thanks to the speed they made it half-way to Serenti riding off main roads and traveling mostly through the thick wilderness. This helped Alberdyne's natural riding skills and suddenly he missed his own horse. He wondered where she went? Thinking to find her later on, the youth thought carefully about his task at hand. Veering off course, they moved towards a clearing. Morlen stopped in the middle of the clearing quickly getting off his horse. Alberdyne followed, already a skilled rider himself. The movement was a quick matter of simply shifting one's body weight quickly. By now, the boy's scar on his cheek healed quickly but left a nasty mark on the side of his face. Morlen forbade him to use any means to make the healing process faster. It was a bit of character building the Demon said. The youth simply nodded in understanding. Going to the center of the clearing the Demon grinned now.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Surrounding them, the boy noticed that fire-flies seemed to horde around this particular area of the forest. Feeling a strange tingling sensation touch his person, the youth dismounted once he saw Morlen do the same thing. The boy tethered his horse near the same place that the more experienced demon did the same thing. No stranger to horse-riding, the youth simply acted without any need of being told. The Assassin nodded his approval a moment later and allowed the horses to graze at leisure.

Moving towards the center of the clearing now, the older Demon tapped the ground in a specific manner and said a few words of power. The boy memorized these words quickly but knew them currently to be beyond his personal use. An alter suddenly appeared crackling with power. The Demon took a orb-like object from his personal things and placed it on the Alter. The alter opened up immediately afterwards shooting forward a rush of energy and power.

After another invocation, the Demon continued to chant. With the power growing in the field, a surge of electrical discharge showered the entire clearing in energy. This energy opened up a small dimensional portal and the youth suddenly understood. Its a short-cut good! The youth stepped into the portal now and became atomized. For a moment, the boy felt like a part of the universe itself at the sub-atomic level. They streamed towards the Demon's chosen destination, a point just outside of the town of Fenthar, very far away from Otocar's suggested positions. Apparently, the Demon was apprehensive of a trap by local Corone Rangers as well.

The portal appeared within an outgrowth of wilderness right near to the town, no more than a few yards. When the portal discharged its two passengers the youth felt a lot of pain. The demon placed a hand upon the youth as if to comfort him for a moment. Waiting it out, the pain finally subsided and his vision quickly returned as his body re-adjusted to normal space. The youth stood up and nodded to the demon allowing himself to get re-oriented.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

Squinting his eyes and following the Demon now, the town of Fenthar lurked just a couple of yards ahead. They'd made it in due time. Now it was just a matter of performing a successful heist. Feeling unsure of his own talents, the youth followed the lead of the older demon. Night befell upon them still granting them the Dark Mother's graces. From time to time, the youth could see the Demon looking up to some point in the sky and then returning his gaze to the task at hand. Everything that the demon did, the boy emulated prepared to sully his hands with blood if necessary.

The buildings of Fenthar were not very numerous but built in much the same style as Serenti was. The particular building they searched for was a warehouse building owned by something called The White Guild. By now, the duo crawled across the roof-tops of the town following the thieves' road.

Strangely enough, the boy felt excitement in his chest. A chance to explore his darker side seemed too good to pass up. They carefully navigated across the interconnected roof-tops and made their way towards the particular building they sought. Morlen explained that buildings often had ventilation shafts and that's where they were heading now. The White Guild's ventilation shaft to crawl like rats. The demon explained he once worked for an organization calling itself The Banishment and that he thought Alberdyne had great potential to become an Assassin himself one day. He'd never thought of that personally.

Finding the right warehouse, they worked their way to the roof-top of that large square building. It was bland, but once they cased it, they saw elegant markings of something called the White Guild out front. The creators of the sign were even so bold as to pain pearls upon it. On their way into Fenthar they saw several crop fields growing with unusually large produce.

Alberdyne nodded towards Morlen that samples of the crops required thieving as well as a copy of the recipe for growing the large crops. That was part of the whole mission and Alberdyne wanted his full rewards. The demon took out one of his many daggers and unscrewed the ventilation shaft grate rather quickly using deft hands. The youth crawled into the network of pipes after the demon did and replaced the grating, sans the screws. They might need a quick way out should everything go sour. The youth remembered Otocar's words. "They don’t have many sentries around the compound, but the security inside the guild is as tight as a virgin asshole. Allegedly, their headquarters used to belong to a crazed nobleman that kept his riches in a subterranean treasury and this crazy bastard like to construct mazes."

He'd placed aside Otocar's unpleasant speech like a chapter in some unwritten book. The chapters of his life. This book, he called Alberdyne and made a personal note of its contents. Memorizing its location quickly within the vast mental library he now developed. Following Morlen quickly through the pipes, he crawled quietly keeping his noise level to a bare minimum and even that was impressive. He'd quickly learned the Dark Mother's graces and obtained the proper usage of Stealth Arts at the skilled hands of the tutor that now stood before him. Making their way through the tunnels for hours, they finally found their way through to a particular room of interest. Inside there were a couple of guards, and Morlen whispered avoidance was the best tactic and combat was optional. The boy saw what they were looking for, a record of documents of some sort, and a large grouping of Pearls. Literally thousands of the things. The youth suddenly wondered how they were going to transport them all. "Leave that part to me, I have an idea. We only need to get down there." The Demon whispered calmly.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

The young apprentice nodded. Several ideas forming themselves in his head, but he already saw Morlen acting. Just as before, the Demon used his daggers as a make-shift screw-driver making as little noise as possible. Fairly quiet so far, their night was going well. A blessing from the Dark Mother. Once he'd removed the grating, he moved it gently to the side making sure very little noise emerged from placing the grating down upon the metal pipe-line. The Demon made hand signals to the youth that he understood, and the suddenly made his way into the lower chamber. He moved like the wind. Landing on top of some crates the Demon moved so that he hid himself in a corner awaiting the patrol of the guards. Alberdyne listened to the Dark Mother quite carefully. He only attempted to move once she gave the word too. When he felt an impulsive tang in his stomach, the youth un-ceremoniously crawled through the open grating and made his way down. He dangled for a moment, very clumsily of him, but soon he landed on top of the crates with a small thud.

Thankfully, no guards were present. The youth crouched down on his stomach atop the crates he observed the guards' patterns for a moment and saw that only two guards prowled about. The youth nodded to this but knew that more lurked in the White Guild's main base of operation. Still this was a blessing in disguise. The youth looked where Morlen was but couldn't spot him anywhere. A barely audible cry and muffled sound caught the youth's attention and he suddenly no longer saw any of the two guards. He assumed that the demon took them both out and moved from his position to rendezvous with him. The warehouse was large. Many crates of various supplies lurked about. In one particular section of the warehouse was an office with nobody in it. Morlen already worked the security lock.

The youth made his way towards the section where the pearls were. There were many thousands of the things. This was something that Otocar probably didn't count on and the boy wondered how they were going to take them all. Once he saw that no security or red-tape lurked around the whole thing, he decided on taking some of them by hand. Just then, Morlen's powerful grip wrapped itself around his wrist nearly breaking it. The youth grimaced in pain looking at the demon with anguish. But he tried not to complain and the youth nodded. Morlen held documentation in his hand with a grin on his face. The plans! The youth wanted to blurt out but knew he had to wait. Now, he was grateful to have the more experienced demon and made it a point to thank his Father later for the blessing. He had no idea how he'd attempted to do all this on his own. The boy knew Otocar had no way of knowing exactly how much pearls the White Guild had. Seeing the expression on his partner's face the youth nodded. They were on the same page.

The Demon understood Alberdyne's worry about the heist. How were they going to get ALL of the pearls? The Demon had an answer to that too. He concentrated on his powers and summoned forth a dimensional portal, ripping apart time and space within the area around the pearls for a moment concentrating fiercely. Sweat-drops poured down his face as he transported all of the crates of the pearls (All ten of them) into the sub-dimensional ditch-sack that was his own. Strings of sub-matter pulled the crates into a de-materialization and in a moment they were all gone, a perfect heist. The Demon and his young partner prepared themselves to exit hastily knowing that the Magi of the White Guild might be alerted to such a dark power. The two thieves, with the pearls in their possession, and the charts that Otocar needed, made their way back into the ventilation shaft and soon were on their way out of the warehouse building. They heard a commotion below as people suddenly realized that they'd been had. Replacing the last grate, the pair made their way to the fields.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

****Epilogue****

Back at Serenti now, the duo made their way to the Syndicate's compound already having fore-knowledge of how to get there. Alberdyne and Morlen talked to the representative of the Syndicate. Summoning the dimensional ditch-sack, the duo called forth the Seven Crates that the Syndicate asked for keeping three for themselves. Staring at the Syndicate operatives, Alberdyne let all Morlen do all of the talking since he was a senior member of the Syndicate and observed carefully, all of the Trade-Speak hand-signs. They even managed to take several samples of the giant crops from the specialized fertilized fields.

A job well done. The syndicate agent commented about other fools that attempted to take the quest earlier in the month but their set-backs costed their group deeply. Still though the great success of the duo was a remarkable feat indeed. The Syndicate organization already spoke very proudly of the young lord-ling Alberdyne Cormyr. The Agent walked over to the young man with a smile on his face. "You're good for business kid, you and your partner. I gotta hand it to you. I dunno what you did, but you got all seven crates, and you even got samples of the giant fruit, the documentation we needed, and the whole she-bang. For that you get an enchanted piece of jewelry with whatever spell you want." The Demon nodded to Alberdyne, the youth did a good job of learning everything that the Assassin had to teach. He was a skilled partner. He wouldn't mind working with the youth again. The young one had potential to be a great member of The Banishment eventually. Somehow, the apprentice seemed to grow with the short time he'd spent with the demon. Looking dashing in all black, the youth thought about his enchanted jewelry. "I want a ring. With the ability to protect myself against physical attack." The boy said.

"Done."

*******************************

****Spoils Request*****

001---Enchanted Ring. Power to create an energy field around the young apprentice. He can use this energy field 3 times a day. Powerful enough only to currently block Tier 1 Metals and attacks.

002---Two Crates of Pearls. Sellable. Subject to Moderator amount final approval. And value of the pearls.

003---A complete leather outfit giving to Dyne by the hands of Morlen. The cloak however is Vlince, just black. No enchantments on any of these articles of clothing they are just a full black outfit that Dyne dons during Syndicate missions.

[Karuka]

Initial notes: I treated this as a solo, since Modrue only made one post.

Continuity: 3. You talk about his father having mentioned something he was supposed to do, and then call him an apprentice, without explaining either. In post nine, you mention a "Jessa" that he thinks about, without explaining who she is. I don't feel like I know anything about either Morlen's or Dyne's motivations. When you threw in elements that might have been pertinent, you failed to tie them in. Continuity isn't about whether you threw in that his father is the head of a house of disgraced nobles, it's about how that influences Alberdyne, his motivations, and his actions.

Pacing: 4. This quest felt really rushed, like you were just going for it as fast as you could to get the spoils instead of taking the time to give each part the attention it deserved. What really comes to mind is that the beginning seems drawn out, but the rest of it went by way too fast.

Setting: 4. Sometimes you described the environment, but all I really got out of the thread as far as setting went were a glowy cathedral, a bunch of shadows, a clearing of fireflies, and a bunch of boxes. This could have been done much better, if you'd just taken a little time to do so.

Dialogue: 4. There wasn't anything special about it, but it all seemed really flat. None of the dialogue told me anything about the personalities of either of the characters, and Morlen and Dyne "sounded" very much the same.

Action: 3. You had so much potential for action with this thread, and the most you do with it is easily evade some guards. I'd have liked to see some real confrontation, or at least a series of tense moments where the reader doesn't know whether or not you'll get caught. Dyne also picked up the "Dark Mother's gifts" way too easily. He's a rookie, I'd have liked to see him stumble around. Instead, you rushed through and didn't do much with action at all.

Persona: 4. Not much to say here. I don't know either Morlen or Dyne any better at the end of the thread than I did at the beginning of the thread.

Mechanics: 4. You have a lot of fragments, which break up the flow of the text unnecessarily. If your sentence does not have a subject and verb at the least, it's not a sentence. "Dyne ran." is a simple but complete sentence. "The White Guild's ventilation shafts to creep." is not a sentence at all. I picked one fragment from your quest at random, there were many in there. Also, sometimes you insert words at the beginning that aren't necessary. A favorite seems to be "Still."

You also use words imprecisely or use an imprecise synonym, liked "owned," in post 3, where I feel "possessed" or even "had" would have worked better. In post 6, he Dyne felt something enter his "pours," instead of "pores." If you got someone to proofread your thread before you submitted it, or even if you proof-read yourself, a lot of these errors can be omitted.

Technique: 5. I didn't see anything special here, really. A scattered simile here and there, but nothing that really clicks in my mind.

Clarity: 6. For the most part, I can understand what you're saying, although sometimes in your paragraphs you switch ideas too quickly, and your frequent use of fragments is very jarring.. There was one thing I didn't get at all, and that was in post 6, with something trying to vie for his "atma." What is "atma?"

Wild Card: 4. I didn't like how rushed the quest was or how little good action there was. Another thing that really bothered me was that Morlen seemed to be an exact copy of Modrue, without Modrue's permission. There's a lot of room for improvement here, and I think that if you tried to improve, you could. For now, I really suggest getting a proof-reader.

Total: 41 Congratulations!

Alberdyne receives 460 EXP and requested spoils, ring and vlince subject to RoG approval.

Morlen felt that since he did most of the work, he was hired by Dyne's father, and he's Dyne's senior, he deserved a bigger share of the pearls than Dyne, so he only gets one crate of pearls. Unfortunately, the pearls weren't anything special, and seem to have been packed in a sort of foamy substance to keep them from harm. All told they're only worth about 150 GP.

Any questions about the judgment, and you can IM me at Loquelf or shoot me a PM, and I'll answer your questions.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!