View Full Version : The one from beyond ((open))
It was early morning in Kessingale. Kessingale was a city far removed from all of Althanas, and the easiest way to describe its location, was simply, another Reality. Whether by chance or by design, it was also early morning in Scara Brae, but this fact is important only in its curiousness, and nothing more.
Xos was already up and studying. He was a student at Kessingale university of Science. He was on the verge of graduating at the top of his class, a perfect 4.0 He was in the Library, doing research for his Final Paper, he had found a book, written by the ancient masters of magic, and it described pathways to other realities and other worlds, beyond the Reality Kessingale was in. He was browsing it, and reading a spell that supposedly opened the interstellar gateways. It wasn't quite clear what caused the spell to activate, maybe it was a miracle, or the design of a higher power because Xos couldn't activate it, but activate it did. Xos disappeared in a flash of light.
Xos screamed at the top of his lungs as he fell. Energy was swirling around him. He saw things he did not understand as he fell, then it drifted away and a new world appeared beneath him. He was falling into a city, screaming as he fell. He hit the ground with a thud, the spell protecting him from harm in his fall.
With a groan Xos simply passed out, oblivious to the circumstances he had fallen into. Would someone come and help him? Would he be left there to rot? Time would tell.
As an explaination, this picks up at the point where Xos fell from the sky and hit the ground. Its early morning as noted earlier, the rest of the post was simply an explaination of where Xos came from, and how he came to be in Althanas. The book is still back home where he came from.
After a few moments, Xos groaned again as he rolled over and sat up. He held his head. His skin tingled in response to the rich denseity of mana in the air, rich only in the respect that here it was easily found, and back home, it had all but ceased to exist.
"Are you alright?" asked a voice. Xos looked, it came from a kindly old monk who served at the nearby hospital, though Xos didn't know this.
The Monk looked somewhat astonished looking at Xos's unique bone structure and eye coloring.
"Yeah, I'm alright, I hope. Where am I?" Xos asked.
"You are in the city of Scara Brae." The monk replied.
"Scara where?" Xos asked confused.
"Scara Brae, world of Althanis. You sure your okay?" The monk asked.
Xos stood.
The book, this must be a new Reality.
"Yeah, I'm ok, I'm, from far away and new to this area." Xos said.
"I see. Well, This is large building to our right is The Hospital, and the best one in Althanis I'd dare wager. The castle of the Royal Family is over that way, in this direction is The City Guard, and if you continue down this way, you'll run into the Bazaar. Here, I'll tell you what, why don't you take this and go get yourself something good at the Bazaar. Maybe you'll find someone who you recognise." The kindly old monk said.
He put a pounch in Xos's pocket and walked off towards the Hospital. Xos sure was glad the monk was kind enough to point out a few locations of interest. He picked a random direction and walked off to explore the city. He was stuck here, with no way to get home, might as well make the best of it.
EVentually, throughout all his wanderings, Xos arrived at what appeared to be a Tavern.
Oh good, maybe I'll find out what the local fare is like.
It had reached what would be about 9 in the morning. He went in, and listened for a few moments.
Ale? At this time of the morning? My word how unhealthy.
Fortunatly, they had some gruel and fresh squeezed juice availible.
It cost only three gold. Xos handed what looked to be three gold coins and got a decent ration in return. He took a darkened booth in one corner and ate by himself.
Not bad, not good either, but still not bad.
He wondered where he would go next. Maybe he would go look at that Bazaar the monk had mentioned.
Oriseus
07-01-07, 11:19 AM
Morning wasn’t something that the ranger looked forward to often. Deep green eyes slowly opened without so much dispute. He usually had to force himself awake time and time again by rubbing them open, but these hours seemed to repeat themselves over and over enough to finally make the ranger want up on his feet, and get the phase over and done with so he could move on to other matters. He only had to sit up on his bed to realize that there were others already filling up the bar downstairs again. The sounds of cheering men and the loud thud of a patron collapsing wasn’t too inviting for him. It meant the owner was here. And wide awake.
Several minutes later, Oriseus stepped out of the room he was assigned to for the night.. or the last few nights, armor donned and his gear ready. As he turned around to lock the room up with the key, a voice came from behind him. Demanding, and warm on the back of his neck.
“Your coin.”
“I told you before, I haven’t got the-”
“Money to pay for it? I thought not. For three months now, you’ve stayed here and given me no coin. That is why you’re no longer welcome here.”
Oriseus turned around, forest green eyes peering into the hazel hues of the bartender, and taking note of the frustration hiding behind a long beard. Suddenly, the ranger was pushed up against the bedroom door, a blacksmith’s arm gripping the collar of his cloak. He didn’t fight back. He wasn’t all that welcoming towards the local authorities anyway, if they were to get involved in this.
“Grab your last drink downstairs,” the tender said, pulling Oriseus back off the door and pushing him towards the stairs leading down to the tavern. “Then get out.” Before Oriseus could descend, the man swiped the keys from his hand, and shoved them back into his leather apron, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to intimidate the poor customer. There wasn’t anyway out of his situation, and he wasn’t about to be welcomed in for another night.
And so, with no direct pace in mind, Oriseus Dargonis of Uthia lumbered down the center of the tavern, passing innocents enjoying themselves with a mug of morning ale to wake their spirits. The ranger didn’t bother to take the drink waiting on the counter for him. No doubt in his mind that it could be poison. He stood at the giant board on the wall next to the door leading out into the city. A few notices were put up often with contacts for tasks that required doing. Some jobs gave him money, which he thought of committing to so that he could repay the owner for putting up with his shenanigans.
Xos had exceptionally keen hearing. That was a fact.
“Your coin.”
“I told you before, I haven’t got the-”
“Money to pay for it? I thought not. For three months now, you’ve stayed here and given me no coin. That is why you’re no longer welcome here.”
Xos watched as a man in studded leather came down the stairs, followed by an angry tavern keeper.
Xos had had enough to eat, having already payed for his breakfast, he got up to leave. Maybe he could make a friend, or at the very least, an aquantaince. He walked over to the man. He had no doubt he would appear on usuall. A wizard, wearing symbols of science and magic on a white robe? That and his unusually draconic bone structure and multicolored eyes were enough to make anyone stand out, even in the largest of crowds.
"Maybe you could help me, I'm new to this land and looking to learn my way around. If you could show me around the city, maybe even help me find a job, I'd be happy to help you settle your room and board, its looking like I'll be here for awhile." Xos said to Oriseus, completly unaware of the Job boards behind him.
Today was a good day for Arai, a good day indeed. He tossed the small pouch of gold coins from his deed.
"200 gold coins...that was certainly some easy money. Now to go wash down this small victory with a nice glass of something cold."
Arai reached the famous Tavern of Scara Brae, a place he had been before during his journeys. It had been some time since he'd been here, but it seems like almost yesterday he had ventured in here during his first visit to Scara Brae some time ago.
Arai opened the door, and was met with the familiarity of the boisterous patrons who inhabited the tavern on a daily basis. To his right, Arai noticed a guy dressed in dark clothing to his side. He was staring at the job placements posted on the wall at the entrance. Arai noticed a particular one about a bandit that needed handling, worth 200 gold pieces. The same one posted in the next town over. Arai casually pulled down the Ad, and balled it up, then said to the man that looked about his age, “Hey, don’t worry about that one my man, already taken care of.”
Tossing the paper into a nearby trash receptacle, Arai passed by the man who was being approched by a guy with different colored eyes without another word and progressed further into the dimly lit building. He leaned over the counter with his left arm on it and beckoned to the bartender. “I’d like a fruit punch with crushed ice good sir.” The bartender responded, “Alright, that’ll be 3 gold pieces. Would you also like a room, I just got a free one as of recent.” Arai shook his head, “No, I’m good. I’m not sure if I’m staying long or not. I may have to take you up on that offer.” He placed the gold into the bar owner’s hands and took his drink back to a table apart from the men playing some sort of card game.
Arai knew for a fact that drunken men, and competitive games never mixed very well; and getting caught in the fray was not on his agenda.
Xos looked over at the new man that had enetered. Xos thought it rather rude to take something another was looking at, and thought to say something, but then he was new to this town, and maybe that was the custom. He turned back to Oriseus awating an answer.
He closed his hand and made a length of string, both ends meeting.
Then he opened his hand and occupied his time while waiting for an answer to his question by playing with the string.
As Xos was waiting for an answer, Drunkeness, competive gaming, and the closeness of Xos lead to a fight from the two Gamblers.
"You CHEATER! you have an Extra Ace up your sleve!" Accused the one facing away from Xos. The one looking towards Xos really had cheated, but he noticed Xos playing with a string he didn't have before, and decided to use him as an out.
"It wasn't me, honest! it was that wizard behind you." said the other one.
"WHAT?!?!" said the one Gambler. He stood. Xos heard the scraping of chairs and he turned.
"I did nothing." Xos said.
"Why, you, cheating, MAGICIAN!" The Gambler yelled. He went to punch Xos in the Gut, thankfully, Xos managed to erect an energy shield in time.
The man rubbed his hand.
Xos activated a Magnetic field, placing it in his skin. Green Energy ran up and down his robes, and his eyes were glowing green. The tips of nearby metallic objects pointed towards Xos, but nothing more.
He held up a Fireball, in the shape of the Mercury Atom.
"I would advise you listen to liars less and wizards more." Xos said dangerously.
The man suddenly looked nervous.
"Uhh, yes sir." The man said. He sat back down.
"I've had enough of this place, I'm leaving." Xos said.
He walked out the door and down the street. His fireball was hovering in place where he stood, his magnetic field disappated.
The Fireball fizzeled and went out.
Xos wandered to the edge of town and sat down on a rock.
"I feel so lost." Xos said.
"Maybe there's a reason for your being here." said a man obscured by a dark black robe.
"Who are you?" Xos asked.
"The question is, who are you?" The man returned.
"I, I am Xos Xilanthes, Student of the Kessingale University of Science." Xos said.
"Are you really?" the man asked.
"Yes, well, I was." Xos said falteringly.
"What has changed?" the man asked.
"That stupid book I was reading took me here." Xos said.
"Maybe there is a higher purpose beyond wild magic for your being here." the man said.
"Yeah, like what?" Xos retorted angrily.
"The darkness is coming Xos. This world is ill equipped to handle it, but so are you. Yet it is because of The Darkness that you are here, you know how to prevent its coming." The man said.
"Wait, who are you and how do you know this?" Xos asked standing up and facing the man.
"That is unimportant, but what is important is that you become stronger." The man said.
The man in dark robes simply disappeared. No tricks, no special effects, one second he was there, and the next he was not. Xos found himself sitting on the bench. He looked around for the man, but there was no proof the man had ever been there.
Was I hallucenating?
Xos decided to go back and look at that Bazaar.
And like clockwork, the inevitable occurred. The two men burst out in an argument over cheating, causing a ruckus in the already noisy environment. This certainly did not please Arai, but made note of the fact that the man who had cheated (He knew this because from this angle, he could see the guy pulling cards from under the table) had accused the guy with the multi-colored eyes, who was now playing with some sort of string had done the dirty deed. How exactly does one who isn’t even involved in the game cheat in it was beyond Arai’s comprehension, but he watched the events unfold before him.
"Why, you, cheating, MAGICIAN!", the man had yelled. “He’s going to attack this innocent man.”, thought Arai. As he started to make his move, Arai noticed a faint glow appear out of nowhere, which is where the man’s futile attack was stopped dead in his tracks. The magician and the drunken man exchanged a few words. The magician seemed to have won, because the drunken sat down with a defeated look upon his face, and then resumed his card game. The magician left the tavern quickly, leaving behind only a ball of magic he created, which vanished almost as quickly as it’s owner. Finishing his drink Arai moved to follow the interesting man.
Outside, people were wandering around, not seeming to be going to anywhere in particular. This reminded Arai of himself actually, as he was a wanderer himself. Never really staying in one place at a time unless he found a reason to. He started to head in the direction he saw the man disappear to.
Arai found him sitting on one of the many benches, from which he suddenly stood up from and started looking around as if someone had called out to him or something. Arai decided to let his presence be known.
“Hey man, what’s up? That was quite impressive the way you handled yourself back there.”
He stood with his hands in his pockets and waited for a reply.
"Did you just see a mysterious man in strange dark robes here?" Xos asked, spooked by the occurance.
Xos continued looking around and even spun in circles a few times.
"I hope I wasn't hallucenating." Xos said.
"Did you just see a mysterious man in strange dark robes here?", said the man before him.
Arai glanced around. This side of the street was clear, and there were no nearby alleyways someone could have disappeared into before Arai could sense their departure.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see anybody come or go. I just see you...spinning around in circles. Are you ok, man? Oh, excuse my manners, the name's Arai Kaosu, and you are?"
Arai cautiously approached the man, wary that he might be dealing with a guy that is possibly a little off his rocker.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see anybody come or go. I just see you...spinning around in circles. Are you ok, man? Oh, excuse my manners, the name's Arai Kaosu, and you are?"
The man was reasonably cautious. Xos decided upon the complete truth.
"My name is Xos Xilanthes, I came, from another world. I may be experiencing hallucenations here because of a diffrence in atmosphere, I don't know for sure. Its a pleasure to meet you Arai." Xos said.
"Another world eh? Well I've heard and seen stranger things. So I have reason not to believe you. Maybe you were daydreaming. In any case, is there any particular reason why you're here, Xos? Sightseeing perhaps?
Arai said this with a smirk. He felt slightly more comfortable now that he spoke with Xos. He seemed to be an ok guy.
The guy seemed a little more reassured now. Maybe he knew how to help Xos get home.
"I was the victim of Wild Magic. I was reading a book written by ancient masters of magic, most notably the great wizard Merlin himself. It spoke of how to cross boundries seperating worlds. It even had a specialised long distance teleportation spell for it. I was reading it, but nowhere near strong enough to cast it, and it activated and teleported me here. You wouldn't happen to know of such a spell would you, or someone who would? Otherwise I'm stuck here for a very long time and need help adjusting." Xos said.
Xos really wanted to go home before graduation.
Arai looked on intentively as Xos told his story of how he came to be in the world of Althanas. He felt quite sorry for the guy, having been forced so far from his home.
"I wish I could help you with that. I don't know much about magic. You seem to know a think or two about. The most I can do as of now is create this." Arai opened his palm, and an orb of swirling flame formed in his hand. He then closed his hand and it exploded in a small firework like display, shooting out small embers, then fading completely.
"You might want to talk to a Monk. They know a great deal about magic, enchantments, and things of that nature. They'd be your best bet. I'm afraid I can't be any more helpful than that."
Xos seemed to pause and think.
"Would that have anything to do with this place called the citadel I keep hearing about? I hear rumors you can fight to the death and still come out of it alive, and that the Monks who tend the citadel know many strange secrets they will not share." Xos said.
He scratched his hand.
"Silly environment. I think its activating my repressed Draconic ancestory." Xos said irritably.
Arai had been to the Citadel quite a few times. The place where death means nothing. Surely those monks had secrets up their sleeves, and were probably the key to getting this man home.
"Yeah, you might want to check out the Citadel. Maybe get in a fight or two. At the very least, you will get some battle experience, and a worthy challenge." Arai pointed towards a hill with a building sitting at the top. "Up those stairs you'll find the Citadel. I hope you'll find the answers you're looking for." Arai paused for a second. "I'm afraid I must cut this meeting short...I have an errand to run. Good luck, man."
Arai patted Xos hard on the shoulder once, and proceeded down the road, taking time to wave one hand in the air briefly before disappearing into the crowd.
Xos decided to go visit a Tavern for awhile.
Who was that strange man in the dark robes? What did he mean by The Darkness is Coming, and how was he going to prevent its coming? For that matter how was he going to get home, and adapt to life here? Only the passage of time could answer his questions.
With a resigned sigh Xos took off walking towards town to get a drink.
And with that, this is finished. This really had no purpose other than to establish Xos's presence in Althanas and lay the seeds for his personal story.
Skie and Avery
07-05-07, 01:51 AM
Story
Continuity: 2 - Okay, so I understand that this is just the start of Xos' story, but what about the other two? Why are Oriseus and Arai in S.B.? Just what is this repressed Draconic ancestry of Xos'? You have to assume that any reader you have on a thread knows nothing about your character. You dont need to make the intro a full synopsis, but a little bit of background information goes a long way.
Setting: 2 - Scara Brae is an island separate from Corone. Not just a tavern, but an entire island. So, in Scara Brae, you wouldn't be able to just walk to the Bazaar or the Citadel. Also, details make the thread. Not only in your own posts but how well you read others posts. Oriseus walked out of the tavern and to the gates of the city to get to the message board. Suddenly here comes Arai and they never left the tavern and the message board is right by a table of gamblers?
Pacing: 3 - Xos, instead of putting up a 5 sentence post and then waiting for an hour to put up another post, try to work on fleshing out your work and having patience with your questmates.
Character
Dialogue: 5 - This wasn't terribly bad. At one point I was telling myself that no one seriously says "I think its activating my repressed Draconic ancestory." out loud, but then I remembered he was a nerdy student with a 4.0 GPA who liked to do advanced reading in his spare time and I started to think, "Well, he probably does."
Action: 4 - One big factor in this is Oriseus just up and leaving the quest. Another is that the things happening didn't really illustrate much about the characters, nor was there much that went on, even for just an introduction/making friends quest.
Persona: 3 - Aside from descriptive setting and backstory, another way to flesh out posts is to be more detailed about emotions and motivations. Thoughts and ideas and such are crucial to threads to help the reader really get a grasp of the characters. Take a book you love. I think the average length of a novel is about 3-400 pages, right? Imagine if that book were cut down to 50 pages because all the author wrote down were words and actions. No real descriptions, no inner motivations and thoughts. It would no longer be a book that you love.
Writing Style
Mechanics: 4 - There were a ton of spelling and punctuation errors in this. If you don't have a word processor on your computer with spellcheck, try http://www.spellcheck.net/ It's free, and it will work miracles with a post. Also, the name of the world and forum is Althanas, not Althanis.
Technique: 3 - Arai, you started out well enough, but seemed to get really lazy with your posts as this went on. I cannot stress enough the need that you guys have to double check your spelling and grammar, and to flesh out these posts more. Also, Xos, you have a habit of capitolizing strange things. Chill out on your shift button. Beginning of the sentence, names, and other proper nouns only.
Clarity: 5
Wild Card: 3
Total: 34
Xos receives 593 EXP and 160 GP
Oriseus receives 49 EXP and 13 GP
Arai receives 296 EXP and 82 GP
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