Spite

[RendingGore]

(Open)

After weeks of walking, running, swimming, sailing, climbing and traversing the land and world of Althanas, I'd finally reached it...I'd finally reached Corone. In spite of what I've done, I still starkly remember the treacherous climb I'd made from the very hells from which I was created. The journey I had made to reach this peaceful territory didn't compare to the pain and fatigue I had felt already. I am still marked by the scars and burns from the searing blades of my demon lords. My hands are singed by the blistering heat that was coating the walls from which I climbed...I am bitten by the frost-cold hearts that my masters are given a pulse through. I must move on, though I remain unaffected by my emotions, a mother and a child could die by my hand and I wouldn't care, I truly wouldn't. If there were no consequences, nothing would hinder me to enact such a putrid situation, but only my wits block these wishes.

As I walked to inert the trees, step by step, I began to feel nausea. Why I would feel sickness I am not wise, for I had only eaten bread along my journey. I discarded this empty sign my body was sending me, and began to count the scars on my left arm. Moving slowly down from the shoulder to the elbow, I had already recognized and remembered about sixty, when on my forearm I saw one that I didn't recall. I stood there, pondering about it for about five minutes. It was a large bump, definitely not originating from a slash or impalement, and grew redder by the second, that's when I realized it had been placed there very recently. Just as I was about to move on, I felt a sharp sting on the back of my neck, as well as the feeling that something was crawling on and under my skin. I slapped the strangely tickling region, and felt something fall on to my back, then roll to the ground. When I pulled my hand back, I noticed it was coated in a very strange purplish ooze. I rotated to see what was on me, and it was a large spider. As a prize of my victory to this creature, I ate it. I enjoyed its salty taste.

So I continued to walk towards the small town that was nearly a mile in front of me when I became very tired, and began to stumble. It was the damn spider. The venom and possibly ooze were a beacon of my fatigue. I tried to continue, but it wasn't possible, as I fell asleep and fell to the floor.

When I awoke, I felt sick and couldn't help but to notice a disgusting stench, as if I were in the sewers. I tried to move, but I could hardly twitch...I was constricted somehow.

Around ten minutes had past when I felt the same tingling feeling I had earlier, but everywhere on my body. Since the darkness stopped me from seeing, I enveloped myself in the pseudo flames that created light and caused any living creatures to flinch and run. When I used my magic flame, hundreds of spiders jumped off of me and skimpered away. I looked around, and was in web.

[Of Bleeding Hearts]

I stood preaching in front of possible thirty people, trying to explain to them my God's blisses. Deep in my heart I was sure that none had the true faith I had attained, but as an evangelist I had to try. I knew with great dread, that if they didn't attain true love for Stlelfethin, they would burn. Many sat pretending to read the book of Tenchanap, or just not paying any attention at all. How was I supposed to get through to them if they wouldn't even give me 2 hours of their morning? So I decided to take another approach, I was done being gentle and open minded.

"People of Corone, you have insulted Stlelfethin, and spit at his very name! When you are cast to wander the lands of your deepest fear for entire eternity what will you do? Your graves are better empty! If you do not change, then prepare to wander the worlds in anguish, for not even the Lord's hell has a place for you! Now go, all of you! Discard all human insanity causing you to dishonor Stlelfethin! If you wish to live in his heavens, then maybe you'd start reading the book of Tenchanap atleast once before you sleep! I dismiss you, brothers and sisters...but Stlelfethin may not." I shouted with a dark combination of melancholy and concern. Many heads turned, and some looked down. I knew I would scare them, but I needed to find a way through. As I was kneeling at the emblem of the Lord in the front of the temple, one woman approached me holding a newborn infant and was being shadowed by two small boys, likely four or five years old. She spoke to me was a very stern voice "We are leaving your temple. There are many other Stlelfethin worshippers in Akashima, so there must be more temples. I always thought of you as a good evangelist until now, but maybe you don't have enough concern for my fearing young boys to realize that threats of eternal suffering don't help anybody." As she walked away, I tried to console her, but she didn't seem to pay any attention to me at all. Maybe frightening my locals wasn't a good idea, but letting them suffer in the afterlife wasn't either, as an evangelist I had to try.

[RendingGore]

Every spider I could still see looking at me had a strange daze in their eyes...but none showed fear, likely of what would be my flame. Shortly after spiders skimpered off me, one much larger manifested. Instead of just eyes on its face, they covered its body by the hundred, a putrid sight to behold. Its body was black, like the night. Its fangs were quite daunting, and intimidating at that. They were long...maybe two feet. It had eight legs, every one of them covered in sharp black hairs. Before I could do anything but blink, it spoke. "I am Nagan'n the Queen of Spiders. I shall forewarn you, creature...if you try anything not only I, but every one of my thousands of spider minions will devour you alive." As I was about to ask why I was brought here, she spoke again. "See no reason to speak, demon, for everything you need to know will be told. The reason I brought you here is simple, my minions and I are in deep need of the river within the town ahead. I want you to ravage this town, kill as many people as you can, burn it down if you have to. If you fail to do this, we will drink from your veins instead of the river. Remember demon, there are spiders everywhere, so if you try to run you may just end up back here one day." The spider returned to the darkness, and before I knew what was going on I began to fall, when I landed I was in a pile of leaves, on the same trail I came from.

I began to head towards the town, with full intention of killing everyone and everything. After all, I was assured somewhat of an alliance with millions of spiders by doing so, aside from that I could use any gold or artifacts I might encounter.

By the time I reached the town, it was midnight, though the river Nagan'n spoke of was in clear view. There were probably twenty small cottages in plain sight, as well as a large temple that held its own strange beauty. I decided to avoid the temple until I had to enter it. Since it was dark, most citizens were probably asleep. So I entered the first house through an open window very quietly. It had one room, holding only a mother and her baby. I was going to dearly enjoy this. I sat on top of the sleeping woman, who was very beautiful. I was already horny. She awoke quickly, and when she looked upon me she gave an absolutely terrified glance. She began to beg to me for mercy "Please, whoever you are don't hurt me, I'll give anything you want. I have a child...". That's wonderful, bitch, but when I am done with you there'll be another coming. "Please sir, no, I beg you." she cried. "If you scream I'll kill you and take your baby in as my own...and you wouldn't want that now would you?" I inquired, with great intimidation. She began to weep continuously. I pulled away her shirt, and began to suck on her tear coated chest. I then removed my pants, and pulled hers back. I had my way with her, then got up. She was staring at me with a deep couple of fear and rage. "Now that wasn't so bad was it?" I asked. She remained silent. I withdrew my axe and asked again, "Was it?!". She looked at me, and said "No, I like..lik-liked it." stuttering in fear. "Good, bitch. Very good." I laughed.

I picked up her baby. It was clad in a small blanket, it cried as soon as I touched it. The mother hopped to her feet, as if she couldn't take anymore and was going to attack. I shoved her, I bit the baby in it's stomach, ripping out it's minimal guts and killing it instantly, blood spraying everywhere. I threw its premature carcass to the floor, cackling. Now the woman was mad. She grabbed a pot, and charged me with it cocked. Obviously the woman had no clue how to fight or defend herself, because she was an easy target. I quickly drew my second axe, and swung my right axe through her ankle, cutting about halfway through. She immedietely fell to the floor. Before she could scream, I slammed my axes through her skull, disposing of whatever life remained. I quickly raided the house, finding only a cheap gold ring, blatantly from a wedding. Funny, the bitch had a husband. I left their bodies in the open and crawled back out the window.

One down, nineteen left to go. I didn't have time or skill to individually kill all these peasants, so I came up with a plan. The temple had a large bell atop of it. Whatever monks or priests layed within it needed to be slain quickly and quietly. I was going call all of the peasants into the temple by ringing the bell. Once inside I would lock the door and burn it down, killing every one of them...

[Of Bleeding Hearts]

I layed completely awake in my bed with a terrible feeling that something was wrong. I scared myself so much that I got out of bed and kneeled at its side, praying "Lord Stlelfethin, guide me...my evangelism isn't changing anyone, and I have a feeling something is wrong...so guide me, my lord." I whispered under my breath. Almost instinctively, I walked outside. I walked around the houses and cottages as if I were searching for something, something wrong. As I passed one of the houses, I noticed blood splattered on the window. I walked around to the door, and knocked consistentely for what was maybe three minutes. Since nobody was answering, I tried opening the door, but it was locked for some reason. I took a few steps back and charged, kicking it down. The door frame must've been weak, because it worked on the first try.

When I entered, a rancid stench was in the air. There was blood, everywhere. Two bodies, someone or something had slaughtered a mother and her infant. Her husband was off at war, so the woman must've been defenseless. When I examined the infant, it looked almost as if he were gutted. By now, I was in disgust. No man would kill an innocent baby, atleast not like that. Maybe it was luck, or maybe it was Stlelfethin that made me aware of what was upon Akashima, but I knew I had to warn the rest of the villagers before this happened again. I began to sprint back to my temple, the only way to gather this many people at this time of night was the bell, not everyone would come, but everyone would atleast be on their guard.

When I arrived at the bell, I sensed another presence within the room, definitely a dark one. I drew my great axe, and shouted "Who goes there?". I heard a faint laugh, then something muttered in a tongue I had no familiarity with. "I said who goes there!"..

[RendingGore]

"My name is Crimson Carnen, mortal. Bow down now and I'll kill you fast." I stepped into the moonlight, both axes drawn. I held a strange smile on my face, twirling my axes as a show of skill. My foe was a tall black man, slightly shorter but much bigger in girth. He was a little fat, but mostly muscle. He didn't look to be much of a pushover. He was clad in a long, white robe with interesting bracers. He held a large battleaxe with an enticing emblem on its blunt end. It seemed to be spelling out "Spite" in a strange fashion, but it could've been anything. He raised his axe in a brace to attempt slaying me. "Otyenen tlegnuy vyejen argos unyan breyetar!" I yelled in my demonic language. "Does my tongue intrigue you, pig?" I inquired. His face showed passion and courage, he was likely a religious man.

[Of Bleeding Hearts]

When he stepped into the shimmering moonlight, it was a horrible sight to behold. It was obviously a demon, as even his eyes told stories. He was hardly taller than me, but easily smaller. Scars coated his body, some much more gruesome then others. He wore grieves and boots of bronze, which held their own dark beauty. Though I wasn't eager to say much to something as evil as this abomination, it didn't give me much opportunity. He swiftly spoke clearly in a language that was frightening to even hear. He twirled his axes, almost drawing me to him. "I refuse to die here, demon. May the light of Stlelfethin scorch you to ash!" At that, I projected an Exorcism towards him, which momentarily lit the room completely, revealing his vile face.

[RendingGore]

The man spoke some words, then threw glowing balls of light at me, hitting me dead on. I was knocked back about five feet, landing on my back. I felt greatly weakened, and the call from the hells grew epicly. From this angle, the moonlight was peaceful and calm.

As I lay on my back, almost falling asleep I began to wonder what some would over hours in a period of a few seconds. If I was killed here, how would my demon servitors treat me in the hells again? Would I return there, never to leave their hells. The fiery dungeons didn't seem very appealing, especially for eternity. I had to atleast put up a fight. I climbed from the hells for years, and I didn't want to do it again. I slowly rose to my feet, his axe was already only about a foot from my head. Since I was tumbling, trying to get up, I naturally stepped out of the way and it missed, slamming into the floor. I had gotten lucky, because he was now powerless. Although I was severely weakened, I had still gained a small advantage, if it was enough to help me I don't know, but I was ready to battle.

[Of Bleeding Hearts]

My projectiles were critical, and he flew back. He whimpered on the ground for a few seconds.

I paused to watch him. He was in some sort of strange daze. I raised my axe, and prepared to finish him off. I charged, just as he was trying to get up. He was tumbling and moving awkwardly, so it was hard for me to hit. I swung once or twice, missing plainly. My third attempt nearly hit him dead on. By some luck, his tumble evaded for him. I was at full swing, and accidentally drove my axe through the stone floor. I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck well. The demon was laughing, his axe being raised.

[RendingGore]

He held fear in his eyes, as if he wasn't sure if these were his last moments of life. This bastard put me through all this trouble, so I swore to fulfill my war-thirst. I raised one of my axes and vertically sliced through his head. He was bending down trying to pull out his weapon, so it was simple enough. He stumbled to the floor and died. I did it, I was victorious.

I scanned the room, searching for something to ring the bell with. It was blatant. I cut off the man's head, and drove my axe point through it, creating a club like object. I rang the bell about fifteen times, the sound product was blissful. I returned to hiding and patiently waiting in the moonlight until I peeled the gold from his rotting carcass. I remained there for nearly an hour, then looked through a small crack in the door into the temple...it was filled with locals. I swiftly and quietly walked around the temple to the outside and locked the only exit. This was going to be easy. I took a lantern that was hanging on the wall and smashed it on some wood of the temple. A small ember appeared, which slowly but steadily grew large. Within twenty minutes the entire temple was blazing, and I had just single-handedly killed what was likely one hundred people. I had just butchered at least most of the village, so Nagan'n and her minions could finish off any survivors. I continued down the trail to meet my destiny...

[AdventWings]

Seeing that this "quest" did not reach the minimum requirement for a Full Rubric Judgment (at least 10 posts or 10,000 words) I will not give you the full rubric judgment. However, I will give you pointers on some aspects of writing (and etiquettes of Text-based Role-Playing on Althanas) so you can improve upon in your next installations.

First off, you displayed some good English skills such as grammar and sentence structure. Still, basic understanding of the English Grammar and Writing is not enough to convey an interesting story. While that may be the structure and frame for good writing, it is not everything. Literary devices, such as simile, personification, metaphor, fore-shadowing and onomatopoeia, can be used to spice up the story-telling and create suspense. And from what I can see here... this was something that could very well need more work on.

Apart from the rather straight-forward storyline, there was one scene that was only peripherally related to the main story - being the one where Crimson broke into a house and demanded sex from the woman there before killing her and her child. Now, that scene is fairly OK for most viewers here (as I've seen better ones and worse) but it was very... um, lacking. Like it didnot even mean a thing to the story, even though it showed the readers this Crimson demon was rather crude and uncaring.

Character development is a crucial step for any role-playing, whether it be for writing a movie script, a novel or merely writing for fun. And this goes to Of Bleeding Hearts, as well, even though there was a bit more character development than RendingGore's posts.

On to the next subject... Role-Playing Etiquette.

Generally (well, at least here) we try to avoid, as humanly possible, manipulation other members' characters as it is our own. Unless permission had been granted by the owner of that Player Character, to manipulate a character that is not your own is considered to be an unapproved bunnying and blatant Powergaming. This is also true for Of Bleeding Hearts during the fight scene. In post #9, though, RendingGore had Crimson split open Gonsus' head with no chance for the other to reply. Generally, while it would be fine had it been an NPC getting killed, you may not directly kill another Player Character unless the owner had expressedly allowed it by taking the deathblow in the Owner's post.

Here is an example (a rather simple one) about the Do and Do Not of Role-Playing Etiquette.

The "Do"


Jumping to the side as the giant cleaver flashed from above, A drew back his sword and swung it at full force in an attempt to cleave off B's head.

B staggered from the swing and lurched forward, his head flying off to the ground as the blade sliced clean through his neck. The lifeless body seemed to hang still in mid-air before falling to the ground.

In this example, B acknowledged that he cannot avoid being killed and narrated in his post the death of his character. This is perfectly acceptable, since it is done with the character owner's consent.

The Do Not


After dodging the cleaver, A sends his longsword clean through B's head with a sickening crunch. The blade flickered in the sunlight, smeared with the crimson liquid of life, as his opponent's head sailed through the air.

The "Do Not" example clearly gave no chance for B to respond since B may have gotten lucky and got away with only a missing ear.

Here on Althanas, we give each writer full rein on character portrayal and actions, as long as each is justified and somewhat realistic. However, that does not mean we give them full rein on how to manipulate other people's characters in a way that may or may not accurately depict them. Just think of it as "I can punch you, but I can't make you take the punch." or "I can try to kill you, but you can't be killed unless you want to be killed."

I hope that this will help you in your future role-playing and writing here and elsewhere.

As a final note, characters that have been killed ICly will become dead ICly. If you want to role-play the character Gonsus as a dead character, you will need to create a character update to reflect his "dead" state. Either that, or this character will remain dead and any role-playing done as if he was alive after this encounter would be considered:

1) Uncanonical
2) Conflicting with History (of Gonsus Pureheart)

If you can find a creative way to "resurrect" him, then it would be a different matter.

I look forward to see your improvements. :)