Gaining his trust (Closed)

[Destrudo]

Destrudo had spent some time in the wildlands. Now he was back at the Citadel. He had been here once before, assuming that he was unbeatable, only to be proven wrong by a woman.

He was hoping to see her again, he still wasn't finished killing her. He was never finished, even though he was killed by her in a citadel battle, he refused to admit defeat.

The same tall brother that Destrudo threatened before, approached him again.

"Back for another beatdown?" asked the monk.

"I'm here to deliver, not to recieve." Said Destrudo.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." The Monk said. He eyed Destrudo Casually, as though he were no more a threat than the common fly. He still had his same black Leather suit and visible Red Aura. His hair and eyes were just as Red, Red as Blood. He was still an unusual if not intimidating sight.

"So, what sort of Arena did you have in mind We can create just about any sort of Arena you can imagine." said the tall monk confidently.

"Really. Then recreate my Father's castle. Castle Noctis Eternum. But you see, here's the real trick, it doesn't exist. My Father's Castle is one big Lie told so forcefully that it became truth. Its walls are made with Black Granite, and everywhere is red carpet. Torches and Chandeliers barely illuminate the hallways, and various items made of Cherry and Oak woods line the halls and furnish the rooms, each of which, is sealed with a Wrought Iron Door. A Massive Fear Enchantment fills every square inch, one strong enough to have been cast by the 15 most powerful mages in history working in Concert. The moat is filled with Crude Oil and the slightest spark sets it aflame. Yet for all this, the layout constantly changes every five seconds, disorenting even the most expert of travelers, and losing them forever in the depths of Noctis Eternum. The only thing it cannot do is kill someone, but their free to kill themselves." Destrudo said.

"That's a stout challenge, but I think we can manage." The Monk said. Several monks scurried off. Destrudo was lead to a Wrought Iron door. He yanked it open, noticing the familier Creak, he walked through the darkness, until his eyes adjusted to the gloom.

It was just like he described. Black Granite walls, Chandeliers, red carpets, here was an oak table carrying a red pitcher. Currently it was as a long wide dining room, with a Table taking up most of the room. A delightful shiver of fear crept down his spine, just like he remembered.

A Black Mist arose, and now he was standing in a hallway, with a right turn at the far end.

He walked the hallways and rooms for quite awhile and noticed occasionally he was trapped in a ten foot cube.

Then he heard an Iron Door Squak open, and the door shifted to a Long Hallway with out and turns or Curves.

Destrudo stood at the far end, and merely waited in cold silence for his opponet.

Special rules for this Arena only.
after our initial introductory posts, This one and yours, which is the next one), you must first, respond to my attacks, and then before you respond with your own, you must decide and describe the new layout, which can be one of three things:

!) Nothing changes, in which case state that the Black Mist came and went and nothing appeared to change, then proceed with your attack.

2) A small or insignificant change, such as the addition of a new hallway. Describe it, and then proceed.

3) A major change, such as an entire new layout. This definatly requires an explaination, and possibly an entire new strategy. Anything non-lethal is acceptable. So long as you do not change the Dark Gothic theme. Unlike the real Noctis Eternum, Sunlight comes in 12 hours. There is nothing in there to serve as a distraction besides the everchanging arena. Good luck. For your introductory post, let us assume nothing changes.

[Play Back]

The Citadel. No place on all of Althanas was quite like this monstrosity among buildings. Magic was the very essence of the citadel, everything within the walls thrived on it. This was no place for a teenager trying to search for a dark hearted man. However, Play Back came to the conclusion that out of all the places on Althanas, the Citadel would have the most capable warriors. As such the child strolled through the door for his very first visit into the enchanted place.

Right away Play Back could feel the energies of so many rush his entire body. It was as if a crisp wind swept through and lifted him up into the heavens. Through his mask, the warrior glanced to each monk, unaware that they were not the warriors that fought in this magnificent place. There was such a variety of warriors in his eyes, but they all wore the same garbs. What a strange place the rest of Althanas was from Alerar.

Upon turning his mask to face a rather tall monk, said monk approached the teen. "You'll do," The monk said as he grabbed the masked teen by the hand and lead him to a doorway. Play Back was now before a Wrough iron door as the monk began to fill him in on the details of this fight. "I'm not at liberty to discuss your opponent," the monk said, "however your battleground will consistantly change as you fight. I wish you luck."

The monk then quickly scurried off leaving Play Back know more than a handful of information and a heapload of confusion about who his real 'opponent' was. "B-But, I didn't come here to fight," Play Back said to the air, "I came here to recruit..." The teen blinked behind his mask several times before giving up on the hope than anyone was coming back. The child pushed the door forward with all of his might, and reached his left hand into his scraf to retrieve his kunai.

Play Back was instantly tranferred into a hallway of some sort, his 'opponent' straight ahead of him. The child took in his surroundings rather quickly while he had the chance to. Black walls, appear to be granite in nature, he thought to himself, red carpet, material unknown. Scattered about torches and chandeliers, could be used in a jam. Alright. If things get ugly I'll have to go back to my training in the special ops. Play Black closed his eyes and let in a deep sigh.

"My name is Play Back," the child shouted across the hall, unsure of how far his voice would carry on granite walls, "what's yours?!"

[Destrudo]

Destrudo's Red Aura flickered slightly.

"Heh, are you strong?" Destrudo asked. The Black Mist Billowed through the hallway. Now they were in a small room, not more than 15 feet away from each other. There was a bright full moon outside, and a Telescope pointed out a window and up at the heavens. It was too dark to see what the monks had devised as an environment outside. An Iron door, once opened, would lead to a small hallway.

Destrudo rushed his opponet, jumped, and turned in mid-air to deliver a flying Roundhouse kick to the face.

[Play Back]

This violent feeling I'm getting, is it because of my opponent? Play Back asked himself this question as his opponent questioned the teens strength. The child wondered that same question on a consistent basis. Would he be strong enough to find The Dark Hearted Man, strong enough to find people to help him, and strong enough to actually do what he must do once he confronted his target? Play Back shook his head at these thoughts, trying to gain his sights back on his opponent.

That task was rather difficult however, upon realizing that black mist began to cover the room and transform it. He was much closer to his opponent now and the moon seemed to glisten down through a window. The teen was rather curious what sort of sorcery was being used against him in this fight. As quickly as the room changed, so did Play Back's opponent move. He ran at the child and jumped. Play Back quickly gasped as he attempted to raise his arms in time.

Unfortunately for the child the attack was not just some sort of jump but a jumping roundhouse kick. Play Back was caught off guard as the foot connected into his left forearm. Play Back screamed as his hand released his father's kunai by sheer instinct. "No!" Play Back shouted as he winced, looking at his opponent. His arm was hurt but not broken. Perhaps this man only sought to guage his own strength against the teen. The teen gazed at his kunai, which had slid across the floor and over by the telescope.

Play Back was no good in unarmed combat, especially against an opponent of this calibur. As such, the child made a dash for his weapon, knocking the telescope over and on top of him in the process. The masked teen quickly turned and shoved the science tool off. As soon as the telescope landed on the ground, black mist eneveloped it, and slowly began to cover the room once more.

There new location was yet another hallway with granite walls, the distance between him and his opponent remaining the same. The teen sighed at the repitiveness when he noticed something about these particular walls. The walls in this hallway had holes in them, probably signs of being damaged from long ago. The child took advantage, leaping onto the wall and placing his feet inside one of the cannonball sized holes. Almost as quickly as he had gained footing in the hole, he leapt out of it and towards his opponent.

"Please listen to me! I don't want to hurt you!" Play Back shouted as he threw his kunai downward, hoping to hit his opponent in the shin. If this man was going to randomly attack him without introducing himself, Play Back was going to put him in a state where he'd listen to reason.

[Destrudo]

Destrudo grinned with satisfaction as his foot connected.
He watched as his opponets weapon sailed out of their perspective reaches, noting that this child seemed less confident without it, knocking over the telescope in his dash to grab it. The Black Mist came and went, revealing yet another Hallway, this one damaged in some manner, as though it had seen a battle. His opponet scrambled up the walls, and leaped out at Destrudo.

"Please listen to me! I don't want to hurt you!" His opponet shouted while hurling his Kunai at Destrudo.

Destrudo dodged, while laughing evilly.

"This is the Citadel, You battle to the death here, not chat like a group of girls at a sleepover. You may not want to hurt me, but I want to kill you, for no other reason then that you exist, your caring will surely be your undoing." Destrudo said. He sprinted down the hall as The Black Mist came and went.

Now The Arena was one Giant curved hallway. He still felt the Fear enchantment in place, and decided to use it against his opponet, who was on the opposite side of the 250 foot round hallway.

"If you are not strong eough to fight me, how could you possibly hope to defeat any other? You are weak, and should run back to hide behind mommy's apron." He sneered, his voice echoing down the hallway.

He began to run down the hallway, knocking over everything on the sides as he went, snorting and growling even howling, as though it were some massive unknown beast coming for Play Back's Very Soul.

[Play Back]

The kunai missed, implanting itself into the carpet of the hallway. Play Back landed with a roll forward and grabbed his weapon as he rose. It was at this point that Play Back's opponent announced that he was trying to kill the masked teen. Play Back's eyes grew worried behind his mask, and he slowly tucked his kunai back into his scarf. It was obvious that long range attacks were not going to be effective in this battle.

The black mist appeared once more, causing the scenery to transform into a circular hallway. Play Back's opponent was nowhere to be seen, but his voice echoed out through the lonely hall. He was trying to attack Play Back's morale; asking him if he couldn't defeat him, who would the teen be able to beat? "Maybe he's right..." Play Back mummbled to himself, a feeling of strange insecurity starting to overwhelm him, "I may never find the Dark Hearted Man..."

No!Play Back's mind argued with the teen, I will find him! You're Codename Play Back for God's sake! You were the field leader of Alerar Special Forces! You can defeat this guy and you -will- defeat the Dark Hearted Man!

Suddenly, the sounds of wild beasts echoed through the room. Play Back smirked behind his mask upon hearing this. His opponent was trying to instill fear into him. Play Back admired the strategy, but had already started to develop a counter-measure to it. "Oh God oh God oh God! What am I going to do?!" Play Back shouted, a sense of distress within his voice, "I'm going to die here! I'll never make it to the Dark Hearted Man!"

Play Back shifted his eyes down to see the black mist starting to cover his feet. This was going to be a gamble but hopefully it would be a bountiful gamble. Half of the walls disappeared as the others linked together, forming a sort of colliseum out of this new room. Play Back quickly saw his opponent and closed his eyesshaking in fear it seemed. "P-Please have mercy, I didn't know what I was getting myself into!"

[Destrudo]

"So, you know of my Father then? Your too late, I already murdered him." Destrudo said at the mention of The Dark Hearted Man. They were not really the same person, it was just an unwitting mistake on Destrudo's part.

His eyes flickered around, taking in the looks of the Arena. Destrudo smiled, it appeared that his fear attack worked. He dropped for a baseball slide kick.

The Mist came and went, the only thing that appeared to have changed, was that now instead of an Arena, it was now an Empty Ballroom.

[Play Back]

Play Back heard his opponent boast at murdering his own father. Such a sentence confused the teen even moreso than when he first entered the citadel. What did his foe murdering his father have anything to do with this fight, or the Dark Hearted Man? Play Back watched as his opponent attempted a slide kick of some sort torwards him, granting the masked teen the opportunity he needed.

Closing his eyes and delving into his subconsciousness, the teen whispered to himself "I want to be behind him..." As soon as those words were uttered, Play Back disappeared into a cloud of white smoke.

The teen was now behind his opponent, who was just finishing up his baseball slide. The black mist enveloped them as Play Back withdrew his dagger. The room now changed to what appeared to be a giant library. The shelves of books were as far as the eye could see, and they were scattered about on the floor as well. Without a doubt this had been the messiest room the two had fought in so far.

Play Back ignored the background for now. Gripping his kunai firmly, he charged his opponent. He was hoping to catch Destrudo off guard and stab the man in the spinal cord before he could make his next move.

[Destrudo]

Destrudo was getting to his feet after his slide, coughing due to the white smoke.

Impressive concept, appearing and disappearing like that. Destrudo thought. He heard movement behind him and turned slightly. It was this turning that saved his spine from being stabbed, but meant his ribs got it instead. He growled in pain. His arms shot out to grab Play Back by the Neck, once there they would begin to squeeze with every once of strength Destrudo had.

As this happened, The Black Mist came and went, leaving them before a throne made of Gold. They were on the steps leading up to it. Otherwise it was one large empty throne room. Collumns were here and there to keep the ceiling up.

[Play Back]

Play Back smirked as his kunai found -a- mark. It was not the target he was going for, but he was satisfied with the end result. All of a sudden the child felt a hand at his neck. How was this guy still moving with a kunai jammed into his rib cage? Such a blow would cripple most men. Play Back tried to ask the man where his powere came from, but found his scarf was slowly closing in around his throat.

Wait a second...Mother's scarf! Play Back shouted the revelation in his head. Tucking his face in quickly, the child slipped out from under his mother's dear scarf just in the nick of time.Destrudo was now effectively squeezing an article of clothing. Grabbing onto the hilt of his kunai (which was still apparently in Destrudo's ribcage), Play back swung himself underneath the legs of his opponent.

By doing this, the child hoped to accomplish two goals. The first was that he would send his foe into severe pain after so forcefully removing his weapon from the ribs (due to the inertia and force and such). The second goal he sought was that now he was open for another attempt to strike. Using all the strength he could muster, Play Back attempted to kick his opponent's rear end. If it connected, Destrudo would hopefully be shoved forward.

The black mist surrounded once again and the area was now some sort of sleeping chambers, with a queen size bed placed in front of the combatants. If Play Back's kick did force Destrudo forward, the warrior would find himself flung towards the bed. What the end result from this may be, Play Back did not know.

[Destrudo]

Destrudo glared at Play Back in surprise as he slipped out of his grip. He dropped the scarf to grab Play Back, who grabbed the weapon and swung under Destrudo's legs, removing at the same time. Blood spurted out of Destrudo's sides and he clutched at the wound hopuing in vain to squeeze it shut.

He felt a swift kick to his backside, and was off balance enough to send him forward. He moved his legs trying to remain standing. His eyes widened in surprise as he went straight through the Bed as the Black Mist came and went, swirling all around him. It lifted only partially, revealing a well right infront of him. He tripped over the side and plummeted head first into the well. He landed flat on his back and fell unconcous, eventually tasting death in a pool of his own blood.

It was over.

[Play Back]

Play Back blinked at the event that just unfolded around him. By shoving his opponent forward, Destrudo had tripped over the bed and into a well. Play Back could not believe that with just two well executed moves he had beat an opponent that seemed far superior to him. Better yet, the child never had to use his power against his opponent. Despite the fact that he was still very unsure of himself, Play Back felt confident.

Maybe he -could- defeat the Dark Hearted Man.

The child walked over to the well, looking down in hopes that his opponent would not start charging out of it. Play Back took a deep swallow and waited. After a few minutes of nothing happening, the teen blinked through his mask, and began to grow concerned for his foe. "D-Does this mean that the fight is over?" Play Back asked to nobody in particular.

"Yes it does," a familiar voice said, causing the child to turn around. Play Back looked at the monk who had guided him into this room in the first place. The black mist swirled around him as the room began to take shape back into one of the citadel halls. "You were victorious against your opponent, child. Congratulations." Play Back blinked a few times as he looked around for Destrudo. His foe seemed to disappear with the well.

"He's being treated of injuries. That's what we do here at the citadel," the monk reassured the child, "shall I give him a message for you?" The child thought for a moment and nodded. "Actually, I want you to give me his information. Name, age, that kind of stuff if you would. After that, I would like you to tell him that he may be called upon to help me at a later date." The monk nodded in accordance to the child's wishes.

Handing Play Back a piece of paper with Destrudo's basic information on it (as well as Play Back's scarf), the monk nodded his goodbye to Play Back and went on to do something on the floor. The child looked at the information as he began to make his way out of the citadel. "Destrudo huh?" Play Back asked, still feeling the pain somewhat in his left arm, "Destrudo, you're a powerful sort. Right now, I need you to rest, but there may come a day where I'll require a tank in my mission.... until then."

Play Back spoke into the citadel as he stepped out of the doors. He felt now, more than ever, that he was a winner.

[Destrudo]

Destrudo awoke with a snarl.

Then he looked around, and realised what happened. He left the injury room yet again.

He decided he would train his Etheric Body into acting as Natural Armor and weaponry for him. What was the use of being physicly diffrent if you couldn't use it?

The Tall Monk approached Destrudo.
"You opponet told me to tell you that one day he may call upon your services." The Monk said.

"Why should I help him?" Destrudo asked no one in particular.

He walked out of the citadel. He wanted to return home.

[Amaril Torrun]

Destrudo

Story
Continuity- 4- I wasn’t satisfied with his reasons for coming to the Citadel. While you did mention that he wanted to fight the same girl again, who you hardly described, I’m sure he must have some other reasons to fight. Remember, even if you have a character that fights simply for the joy of fighting, you should describe that characteristic to some degree. I did like how Destrudo and the monk had history together from the warrior’s previous visit.

Setting- 3- The idea of having a constantly changing arena was creative, but then you did almost nothing with it. With such a rapid change of the environment, over and over again, you need to help the read have a better understanding of where exactly things are. Also, don’t forget that interacting with the things around the character is just as important as interacting with other characters.

Pacing- 4- The battle didn’t slow down or drag on. In fact it did just the opposite. The thread went by so fast, with no real climatic event, that when it ended I was disappointed. While I understand that this was a Citadel battle and shouldn’t be expected to have a massive plot with elaborate twists around every corner, I do expect a more developed story that what I saw here.

Character
Dialogue- 6- In your third post, you repeated Play Back’s dialogue. Don’t ever do that. Once someone reads dialogue or an event in the story, they don’t want to have to read it for a second time. It is jarring and the reader loses the feeling of being immersed into the fantasy world.

Other than that, the type of dialogue from your character (cold and mean) remained consistent throughout the thread, which is something to strive for. It helped me develop an understanding of what kind of person Destrudo is.

Action- 3 - In your ninth post, Destrudo got stabbed in the ribs with a sword. You had him growl once, but after that you acted as if it never happened. I’m going to give you a tip that might sound kind of crazy. Imagine that you turn around quickly, and get stabbed by a sword. How would you react? Do you look down at the gaping wound as you cringe and shudder from pain and blood loss? Seeing as your character doesn’t have any abilities granting him immunity to pain, I just can’t see him hardly flinch and then go right back into fighting without becoming very disappointed.

You did slightly better when his leg got cut off by at least stopping the fight to try to stop the bleeding, but you still didn’t say anything about how Destrudo was feeling.

Persona- 3 - I hardly gained any insight to the way Destrudo’s mind works. Make the reader feel connected to your character. I felt that Destrudo’s personality was very underdeveloped and didn’t find enough reason to like or dislike him. It looks like you’re leaning toward an evil, or simply ill-tempered character, so don’t be afraid to make the reader hate him if that’s your goal.

Writing Style
Mechanics- 2 - You need to re-read your posts or put them through a spell checker before submitting them. I’m going to use your sixth post to show several errors I found:

“hopuing” should be spelled ‘hoping’

Don’t capitalize “the Bed” or “the Black Mist.” Save capitalization for proper nouns or the first words of a sentence.

“infront” should be two words, ‘in front’

“unconcous” should be spelled ‘unconscious’

Spell checkers today usually contain grammar checks as well, and you can find them on Works and Word Processor as well as on several internet sites.

Technique- 3 - There is no set length for posts, but yours needed to be fleshed out more, using details about your character and the setting. There was barely enough written to give very short explanations of what was happening. Try adding in things like metaphors, personification, or even allude to events that may happen in the future. All these things help to make a more pleasant read.

Clarity- 4 - You and Play Back did equally well here. There were some things that I had to read more than once to fully understand, usually due to a missing word or two in the sentence or simply an odd way of describing things.

Play Back

Story
Continuity- 4- Who is the Dark Hearted man? Why is Play Back looking for him? Why does he need recruits? These were questions left unanswered that I felt you should have written more about. I don’t mean for a giant post explaining Play Back’s history, but the information given was not enough to give me any real idea of the teenager’s goals.

Setting- 4- You didn’t do much better with describing the setting, though Play Back interacted with it much more. Knocking over the telescope and jumping from the wall to attack are things that help remind the reader of where the story is taking place.

Pacing- 4- See Destrudo’s Pacing.

Character

Dialogue- 5- "Please listen to me! I don't want to hurt you!" I seriously doubt that a person would say two full sentences while flying through the air to attack. The rest wasn’t particularly exciting, but as you develop the character, I’m sure you’ll make him seem more alive.

Action- 6- I liked the part where Play Back accidentally knocked the telescope on top of him. It helped make me feel just how frantic and scared he was without his weapon. Using the black mist to conceal his teleportation was a very crafty move as well. I also enjoyed seeing a character get thrown into a Citadel battle with absolutely no intention to do so. You seem to have a good grasp of how to make your character realistic through his actions, though you still have room to improve as well.

Persona- 5 - I knew for the most part how Play Back was thinking, though this aspect could greatly improve. I have a generalized idea of what kind of character he is, but nothing really sticks out as good or bad. In short, I saw potential for a solid character.

Writing Style
Mechanics- 6 - The errors on your part were significantly fewer and farther in-between. Here’s an example of what to look out for in the future:

“After a few minutes of nothing happening, the teen blinked through his mask, and began to grow concerned for his foe.” In this sentence, the second comma right before the word “and” is not needed. The word “and” is a conjunction that combines the sentence without unnecessary commas.

Technique- 4 - There wasn’t much more in terms of using literary devices to paint more vivid pictures of what was going on. While you shouldn’t become so wordy that your readers get lost in the writing, you should find a balance between that and the quick, to the point style you used here.

Clarity- 4 - See Destrudo’s Clarity.

Wild Card for both participants- 4 - This was a straight to the point, very quick battle. I would have liked to see a lot more put into it from both sides.

Final Score:

Destrudo- 36

Play Back- 46

Congratulations!

Play Back receives 500 experience, 600 gold and a card with Destrudo’s basic information on it.

Destrudo receives 150 experience, 150 gold and a bucket from inside the well.

If you guys have any questions or comments regarding the judging, or want something explained in further detail, feel free to PM me or get me on AIM: loligagerrofl.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!