Old Memories

[Aramil]

((Closed))

Aramil wandered through the stone corridors, until he was greeted by a friendly man. A small male, dressed in a heavy wool cloak, with a bald head. A large smile spread across his face. He turned, and suddenly jetted forward, and waved for Aramil to follow.

Taking off his helmet, he did what he was told. The monk led him on, and turned corner after corner until he halted. Stopping in front of a great stone wall. An arch was built around it, but only a stone wall was inside. He pointed to the wall, and did a hand sign to tell Aramil to go through.

Aramil laughed, and pointed to the wall. His armor creaking as he moved forward. The monk, stunned by his stupidity, put his hand through the wall. The wall seemed too turned to water, the ripples extending from where his hand went in. Just as simply as going in, he pulled it back out. Then again, the hands sign to enter.

Just to show he still confident, he slowly walked through the door. It began to ripple just as it had done for the monk, until it finally stopped when he got all the way through. Now, he stood inside a massive arena. It was built of the same stone from inside the Citadel. The whole outside was built as seats for onlookers, but none were there this day. Pillars rose up all along the side of the wall, giving the seats support. Five feet from the wall was a layer of sand and dirt, then a rise of stone, which was the area to fight.

Stepping up, onto the rise, he looked around. “Well, this is amusing…” slowly, Aramil spun around. “Just like school,” soon, something pop into his head, only for a second though. It was an image, of him, and his friend, a sword laying on a table, and them casting magic to test their theory.

Kicking a stone, Armil walked to the opposite side of the stone plate. Away from the door, so he could see who was coming for him this time. More images flicked through his head, more testing of theories, and then, a picture of two faces covered in smiles as their final theory worked. Since then, he’s continued to use those abilities, and utilize them for his advantage.

As a final preparation Aramil put his helmet back on his head, and drew his great sword. Putting it out in front of him, he slanted the blade, and used it to lean on. He, being an elf, was short compared to most, and even his blade, was a bit taller then him. So he had to use his balance in order to even wield it.

Closing his eyes, he set his mind straight. Straight to the zone. An easy win, right to victory.

[The SpellSword]

ax went up to the main doors of the citadel and opened the huge wooden doors and approached the monk ahead of him. A rather small bald man that was dressed totally in a wool monk robe. “Excuse me sir, I am looking for a fiight…” he was cut off there by a hand movement by the monk.

“I should trust him but I don’t know if I can.” Max wondered as he followed another monk that arrived in a doorway and motioned for him to follow. As max walked down a long stone stairway with cracks in it and what looked like plants growing out of the sides he noticed the flames were “lashing” out at him as if they were trying to attack him and he didn’t notice that the monk in front of him had stopped and so he bumped into the back of him “Hey watch where your goin…” max said ass he noticed that there was an arch with weird markings on it.

“Hey is this a portal I remember those marking from school it must be.” Max finished as the monk nodded and motioned for him to go through.

Max walked through the portal and found that he stood inside a massive arena. It was built of the same stone from inside the Citadel. The whole outside was built as seats for onlookers, but none were there this day. Pillars rose up all along the side of the wall, giving the seats support. Five feet from the wall was a layer of sand and dirt, then a rise of stone, which was the area to fight. On the opposite side of the arena stood a man leaning on a sword that appeared to be taller then he was and appeared to be staring directly at max.

“Hey, you over there who are you and do u really want to fight a new warrior!” Max stated as he drew out his iron long sword out and got his magic ready for a quick battle.

[Aramil]

A light water drop sound caught Aramil's attention. He had only been waiting for a few minutes, but, still it seemed a lot longer then what it really was. The door made the same movements as it did when he wondered through, and then another man appeared before on the other side of the water portal. And just as he had done, another man wondered into the same arena as him.

He didn't seem like much, although his armor was familiar. That would be the hardest part of the battle, getting through the thickness of the armor. The weapon he weilded was nothing campared to his, greatsword versus longsword, the winner was obvious there. But still, his movement might be increased. "Oh...the possibilities. I wonder how easy the defeat will be.." Aramil thought to himself.

Then, then man opened his mouth, and said the stupidest of things. "Hey, you over there! Who are you, and do you really want to fight a new warrior?" he called out over the arena. It seemed to echo over the large area.

Aramil wanted to play stupid too, it seemed like fun before a fight. He pointed to himself, "Huh? Oh, were you talking to me?" he called back, answer as simple as he could, no better then a typical orc.

"Well, I'm a master of sorts, magic and melee are my specialties. And I'm willing to fight a new warrior, since you must be so unskilled as to call yourself that. So this should be an easy victory for me." Aramil answered.

He picked his greatsword up, and flung it to rest over his shoulder. "Shall we...?" Aramil called, initiating the battle, and quickly took the first step of action. His greatsword supported by his shoulder and one of his hands, Aramil charged towards the man, about fifteen feet before him, he jumped into the air, and spun around, and punched the air. But instead of a fist, his hand was open, palm facing the man, as a blast of blue lightning flung out towards him.

"So, you think you can keep up?" Aramil asked, followed by laughter as he landed on the ground. His greatsword still easily laying on his shoulder, and his hand still pointed towards the man. This time, instead of casting magic, he opened to closed his fingers, telling the newcomer, to bring it on!

[The SpellSword]

The man pointed to himself, "Huh? Oh, were you talking to me? Well, I'm a master of sorts, magic and melee are my specialties. And I'm willing to fight a new warrior, since you must be so unskilled as to call yourself that. So this should be an easy victory for me.".

The man picked his sword up, and flung it to rest over his shoulder. "Shall we...?" He called, initiating the battle, and quickly took the first step of action. His sword supported by his shoulder and one of his hands, He charged towards Max, about fifteen feet before Max, he jumped into the air, and spun around, and punched the air. But instead of a fist, his hand was open, palm facing the him, as a blast of blue lightning flung out towards him.

“Shit!” Max thought as he rolled at the last second and the lightning just nicked his hand This man fights just like Aramil but he doesn’t look like him

"So, you think you can keep up?" the man asked asked, followed by laughter as he landed on the ground. His sword still easily laying on his shoulder, and his hand still pointed towards the man. Motioning for him to make the next move.

“Ohh! Buddy you best be taking them words back or else I might have to do something drastic.” He said as he focused a fireball and chucked it at his foe and turned around I went for a round house kick.

“Let’s see if you can keep up there buddy.”

[Aramil]

Through his laughter, he only left himself wide open. Just as he had done, the man led with an assualt of magic. The fire ball had come soaring at him, hitting him in the chest. Though little damage was done to his actual skin, it left a black burn mark, and singed some of his black hair. Aramil managed to brush it off, just in time.

But the fact that both men were equal in both magic and melee ment that more would come from this battle, then a few seconds. It ment it was going to be long and gruelling. Something both men would have to really fight to their limits just to win.

The man came quickly again, weilding his foot as a weapon. A full round house kick towards him was his next course of action. Luckily, Aramil recovered in time to step back, away from the flying foot.

“Ohh! Buddy you best be taking them words back or else I might have to do something drastic.” he called out. “Let’s see if you can keep up there buddy," he kept going. Somewhere among the few seconds of being blasted with magic, and kicked at, these words came back to Aramil. Almost deaf to them the first time.

Acting quick, Aramil flung his hand towards the man's leg. The whole thing was subconscious, and he didn't even think about what would happen. But he did know that the next place the person was going to be, was face down on the ground, and ready for death.

"Show me why I should take my words back?" Aramil called out to him. "You have nothing on me!"

[The SpellSword]

The man raised his hands to grab Max’s foot and was obviously be bringing him down for a stun move then a quick stab in the back so he had to do something he grabbed the hilt of his sword and drew it out making a clenching motion and almost instantly his sword turned to a ice blade with snow falling from it

“This is why u should take back them words I am half the population of what I like to call spell swords” he commented as he brought his sword down to connect with the mans helmet and to slow him down for an easy win.

“ Let’s see this man hold against my ICE BLADE! ” max thought as a memory flashed through his head

Him and Aramil toying with their blades trying to be able to put natural magic into their weapons and showing off to the teachers and explaining their theory and how they are able to do it. Then UREKA! Flaming swords clashing and explosion and another theory that when the same element imbued in the weapons clash they cancel each other out and make a Force Feedback pulse sending the users flying.

[Aramil]

Just had he had thought, it was an easy move to get out of. His opponent had easily deeked his way around his attack, he managed to draw his sword. But that wasn't the most akward of things, since drawing a sword in most dangerous of situations was something all adventurers learned at some point.

The fact that his oppenent didn't even have a magical sword, but still had magic on it, was something that stunned Aramil. His sword had pratically turned to ice, and from under the blade it looked like a snow storm. This was something that only two people had, unless Max had become a teacher at Spelllore, their school of magic.

Before Aramil snapped out of it, his sword was already coming down towards him. Moving took quickly for him to move fully out of the way, he moved to the side, and used his forearm to block the sword's massive blow. As the two metal objects collided, Aramil was sent to his knees. "Perfect" Aramil thought to himself.

Using his knees to kick off with, Aramil lunged at at him, aiming for his mid section. With the power behind the blow, hopefully both men would end up in a wrestling match on the ground. If what he thought was true, he would win.


Max was always better at magic then fighting. But then again, this man in front of him was pretty tough, so maybe it wasn't him at all. His plan would fail, and then, he would lose, something that was not on his mind this day.

[The SpellSword]

It wasn't as easy as Max once thought, the man brought his forearm up and blocked the attack but one thing with Max's "Ice Blade" it slows down the opponents speed but not a whole bunch. The man had deflected the attack and was coming at Max going to tackle him.

Hmm i think it's time to show this man a little Spelllore melee skill!

At that moment the man latched onto max and started dragging him back and towards the ground. Max had to act quickly he bent his knee's and got his feet in position on his lower chest area. When he ht the ground he kicked quickly and used the momentum of the downward and back angle to do a quick backflip while sending the man flying!

Max had done his backflip just like in the exams perfectly and had got up and got ready for his attack then he heard his professor's words

Don't walk towards them while they're down run towards them and get them for all it's worth or they will kill you!

"Hah! not as easy as you think is it MAN!" max screamed as he focused all the rest of his power into one Final attack as he clenched his fist and his sword caught FIRE!

[Aramil]

Aramil smiled, now knowing that something was very familiar about his fighting style. It was so familiar because, it was his too. Feeling the man's legs on his chest Aramil prepared to be kicked away. As he saw the ground come closer, he quickly saw it get farther away as he was kicked away from the man.

Using the momentum he was given, he easily flipped and landed on his feet. His back towards the armored man, Aramil hid his sword infront of him. "Let's do this,," he said lightly to himself. Running his hand lightly along his sword's edge, the entire blade was consumed in red fire.

It was now all about perfect timing. As soon as he was close enough, Aramil would lead with a dangerous swip to the mid section. Since the man was unprotected in most of this region, he found it much easier to hit him here.

Aramil was no ready, both hands on the hilt of his great sword, which was standing infront of him with flickering flames licking at him from every direction. Luckily it was his own magic, so it didn't hurt him. The large sword was glowing a light red due to the flames which could easily be seen.

Since Aramil had no idea which way the man had landed he relied on his sensitive hearing. Breathe lightly, but very quickly, he reduced the sounds around him, and concentrated on the noises the other man made.

His grip tightened around the hilt, as he prepared for the last attack of the battle.

[The SpellSword]

As Max charged the man he noticed he was already up but with his back turned.

"Wrong move Boy!" Max screamed as he flinched his muscles and put what little power left into his swrod to keep the flames from dieing

"Now Meet Your maker!" max screamed as he brought down his sword for a easy win with his spine cut in half.

at that moment he heard his professos voice "an easy win is that of pro's a struggling win is for the new comers". I am a new comer lets see this struggling win. Max thougt as his sword was coming down over the guys head.

[Aramil]

((bunnying allowed by SpellSword))

A gust of wind was all the Aramil needed. The sound of wind being pushed away showed that something was moving, and since it wasn't Aramil, it had to be the other man. A smile slowly slipped its way across his face, as he checked his grip on his sword again.

A few seconds passed, and then Aramil spun around, swinging his sword upwards. Looking at the way his sword was coming, both of them would collide. But something else, much more dangerous caught his attention.

Both men would collide, but each one had the same element on their swords. This would not turn out to good. A Force Feedback, with this kind of power behind it would be devastating to both men.

As both swords collided, a flash of red light appeared where they touched. Slowly it started to grow, until it finally exploded sending both men flying.

Aramil hit the rock pillar with a monstrious thud. Landing on the ground, he was knocked out, his head swelling with pain. As his vision started to return, he took off his helmet and tossed it aside. "Useless thing..." he said, as his blonde hair toppled down from his head.

Sweat plastered his forehead, and he whiped it away with his hands. Slowly he pushed himself up, using his greatsword to support himself again. He wondered around in circles, trying to undaze himself. His vision finally came fully came back, instead of seeing doubles. His head still hurt, put he pushed himself forward toward the arena floor again. Flopping down he stared over, trying to find where the other man had gone.

[The SpellSword]

As both swords collided, a flash of red light appeared where they touched. Slowly it started to grow, until it finally exploded sending both men flying.

Max's vison was either going or he was sent sky rocketing up and over towards the roof or stands he was too dazed too think then THUD! he had hit something making his helmet to go flying and making max extremely dizzy he tried to get up and walk down back into the arena. HE fell down the stairs and rolled right into the arena.

"Ahh! That hurt ok now where is that bandage the professor gave me?" max said as he tried to look in his pocket almost crying from intense pain. "Aww! crud must of left it at home."

Max tried to roll over to see where the man was but then he passed out.

[Aramil]

With a last breathe, Aramil was scared to death as a limp body crashed into the arena from above. The man had landed up in the stands, then rolled and fell onto the arena stadium. Taking another breathe to slow his heartbeat, Aramil wondered closer to him.

He looked scared, as if he was about to die, he frantically searched his pockets for something, but didn’t find what he was looking for. As Aramil looked over at the man, he noticed that his eyes were shut, and that he had fallen in unconsciousness. Aramil, lifting his hands from the arena, fell over, his balance and vision still distorted.

Slowly, reaching his arm up, he pulled the man to the ledge of the arena, and looked at him again. "Well, holy sh*t..." Aramil thought in his head. Standing up, he used he used the arena to balance himself and brushed himself off, cringing as he hit himself upon another bruise on his body.

Grabbing Max's hand, he pulled him off the arena, and toward the portal. He was a heavy guy in his armor, but somehow Aramil managed to get him out of there. The portal flickered around as both men came through it. Standing in front of them was the monk from before who smiled and nodded. Aramil struggled for a bit trying to support the both of them, and then he too fell over unconscious.

[The SpellSword]

((Bunnying approved by Aramil))


As Max moaned and groaned from some head pains most likely from the battle he opened his eyes and say Aramil on the other bed in a very small room.

"ARAMIL! Aramil come on man wake up." max said as he started thinking
"wait he's wearing the same armor as my opponent in the arena Holy Sh*t! I almost killed him"

Max tried to shake aramil awake so he could talk to him but the monk came in and ushered him out into another room just outside of it. It appeared to be some sort of a lobby area there was rooms leading off in every which direction with a single portal in a corner. There was also a table in the middle of the room with what would appear to be a wealthy man's feast everything that was eatable was there on it.

As Max looked around the monk showed him to a seat by the table just infront of the nice plump turkey."bad mistake on their part sitting me infront of the turkey and all the other good food" he thought as he pigged out on whatever that was infront of him.

[Aramil]

His head still throbbed with pain, but he slowly opened his eyes. They opened the closed repeatedly, not used to the light that was in the room. On the opposite side of the room was another bed, and the bedding was messy, meaning someone had to have been in here with him. The door slowly opened as a monk came in.

He flashed his hands around, then left again. His hands moving so fast made Aramil's head hurt even more then it was before. Slowly, he sat up in his bed, and put his legs to the side of the bed. With one hand holding his forehead, he lifted himself up and out of the bed. The blanket and sheets that had been wrapped around him fell softly to the floor as he too opened the door.

The whole area was filled with the aroma of freshly made food. His mouth started to water, and his jaw dropped as he rounded the corner to see the large table full of food. On the other side was another man, and it was Max, stuffing his face of course.

"I see, they made the mistake of placing you infront of food?" Aramil called, as he neared the table.

Sitting next to him, he reached over and started grabbing some food to fill his plate. Once it was full, and piled on top of each other for maximum food, he dug in, filling his belly full of the mouth watering food. Since it had been sometime since a massive meal like this was placed infront of him, Aramil decided to take as much as he could. Fill himself up before he left and headed off for the next big adventure.

He looked over at his long lost friend, he had of course, been the first on to get his hands on the food. He was like an dog. With a keen sense of smell, and as soon as food was near, he was the first one to get there.

[The SpellSword]

"I see, they made the mistake of placing you infront of food?" a familiar voice said as he neared the table and sat down and grabbed some food.

"Well, look who it is lil ol sleeping beuty what new?" Max said as he grabbed another mouthful of food.

"And...how...did...you...get...so...good?"max said between swallowing and eating more food. After Max had gooten rid of his a piece of his hunger he looked around the room the walls were like a flat grey as if old boring and just overused and again and he saw there was seven doors in total each different colours and numbered 1-6. One had the name kitchen and next to that infront of them was a great big grey and blue portal and had wierd leaf and twig symbols all over it with a flat cyan pool going from one side to another.

Max looked over to his friend and noticed now he too was pigging out and it was just like old times but just with more food. Then there was a flash of bright light almost as if a memory was being called forth. All Max felt was his head hitting something hard then passing out.

He saw his home and his brother father and mother then he saw them giving him money to go to Spelllore : academy of magic and fighting. then when max arrived at school the first class he had was fire and saw another boy there about same age and they started talking and found out that the boy's name was Aramil and that he had third period lightning and forth period melee training the only thing the other boy didnt have was a second period which Max had Ice element training.

The aroma of more food awoken Max he noticed that he had ended up face first on the had stone floor he was sitting on. As Max went to get up he smashed hsi head of the hard stone table they were eating at.

"Aww man! jezz that hurt what are these tables made out of? stone?" max asked as he looked over towards Aramil.

[Aramil]

The food was great, something much better then Aramil had in quiet some time. He survived mostly on what he choose to eat, and he wasn't the best chef. This usually ment, something was undercooked, or burnt. Other then what he made, he had the rare meal at a local inn or tavern.

With a laugh, full of spraying food, Aramil found it hard to swallow. Finally getting all the food from his mouth done, he looked down at his friend. "Well yeah. Most of this place is built of stone," Aramil put his hand out to help Max up.

Aramil took a drink to get down all the small chunks of food. Most of what he said was muffled with more food entering his mouth, or his hand whiping his mouth clean. There was the odd spray of food from his mouth, but he tried to hide it whenever that happened.

After a few minutes of just the two of them, more fighters came out and sat at the table. Each on filling their plate with loads of food, and scarfing it all down. Each one seemed to handle their fair share of the table. Since as more came, the food seemed to rapidly disapear.

"Well, there seems to be many who still need to eat. So, I will be off," Aramil said, as he wondered back to the room to get his armor and weapons. Before he even got up, a monk came by, with a small rucksack. He pointed to the food, then to the rucksack, telling him quietly to pack away some food for later.

Aramil listened, and put as much bread, cheese, meat, and wine into the rucksack, and the single waterskin given to each fighter. After it was fully packed, he looked back at Max, "As before, I will be leaving now," and he got up from the wooden chair, and wondered back to the room where he awoke from earlier.

[The SpellSword]

As Aramil got up and started heading towards the room from where they came from a monk handed him a rucksack and ushered him to put as much food and cheese and all that in there. Of cource aramil did and then went back to the room but not without saying "As before, I will be leaving now,"

Max had just finished stuffing his rucksack full and could barely close it but ended up dragging it to the room."Aramil! i came here so me and u can go train, gain experiance, and be bud's again just like old times. Ohh and what was up with you in that arena i thought you were better then that."

Max said as he slipped into his armor and grabbed his bronze longsword. Ahh sh*t man i chipped my sword it must of been from the force feedback. Max thought as he sheathed it and thought "I wonder if i can go to my dad and get a better sword i think he knows a blacksmith."

"Aramil how would you like to go to our old town you know cause i got to see about getting some bronze plate for my legs you know the vulnerability and maybe also a sleek new helmet. Maybe you can get something." Max said as he chingled his gold coins in his sack on his side.

[Aramil]

Aramil had his armor on by the time Max had entered the room. He was just reaching out to grab his greatsword, which now had a small bend in it, when Max said something. As soon as the words flew from his mouth, Aramil frooze.

He knew Max didn't know, but how could he? Slowly, he spun around to face his friend. "I can't go back with you. I'm sorry. But maybe some where down the road, we will meet each other again?" Aramil said.


With his sword in hand, Aramil left. On his way past Max, he patted him on the shoulder. "I was holding back. Wait til later," with a light chuckle, Aramil pulled the door open, and left. It was rude to leave like this, but it would be better for both of them if it was ended like this.

Walking out the large front doors, and down the stone steps, Aramil wondered the opposite way then that he had come. Before walking to far, he turned back to face the building, and hung his head down low. "I'm sorry..." he muttered and walked away.

It had been months without any contact with his friend. They had grown up for quiet some time together, so leaving was always hard. The second time was worse then the first, because this time he had to face Max, instead of leaving when he was sleeping.

A flashback came into his head. They were only images, of the two as small boys, playing in their town. Rolling down hills, or exploring every alley way. Then the picture of his parents sending him off to school, followed by pictures of both of them in school. They had been in three similar classes, each one studying the same element. But second period was much different considering, they didn't have it together. While Max went to study another element, Aramil had gone for more melee combat training.

It was always one way. Max had always been better at magic casting, where as Aramil was better in hand to hand combat. Something both knew, but never followed. Max had graduated from Spelllore, and Aramil had left, but he knew he would've done quiet well.

The only reason why he didn't return with Max was because if he did, his parent s would surely kill him for dishonouring the family name. This is why Aramil stopped using his last name all together, so no one would ever know.

[The SpellSword]

"I can't go back with you. I'm sorry. But maybe some where down the road, we will meet each other again?" Aramil said "I was holding back. Wait til later," He patted Max on the shoulder and took off.

"Pfft... you were struggling." Max said as he grabbed his iron plate for his upperbody and struggled to get into it. "Man this thing must of shrunk."

As Max finally got into his armor and sheathed his iron longsword. He headed towards the door way and stopped he noticed hus ruck sack wasnt with him and he looked back towards the bed and saw it sitting there wide open.

As Max's mouth watered at all that smell oozing towards him he ran over and started eating as much as he could. Then he relized he had half a rucksack full and decided to go restock. As he turned the corner he saw there was no more food.

"crap!" Max said as he sighed and headed towards the double doors and on to home.

[INDK]

Well guys, the big thing this battle needed was a fleshed out story. It had an alright premise, but you guys just didn’t do enough with it. A cool idea is a great start, but its only a start.

The winner is Aramil!

Aramil

Total Score= 18.5 Congrats on winning the battle. There are things you can improve on to get higher scores though.

Introduction – 2 This introduction was lacking many of the fundamental things I feel an introduction needs. In your future threads, I want you to make sure that your introductions answers the following questions.

1) Who is your character? Imagine that you wanted to tell someone who had never heard of or seen your character before about what Aramil is like. What kind of stuff would you say? Is he nice, mean, arrogant.

2) Why is your character there? So you’re in the the Citadel this time. Why? What’s so special about it?

3) Why should I care? What makes this event interesting in Aramil’s life? You have to let your reader know.

Getting these three things will increase your score by at least three points.

Setting – 3 You took the effort to describe a setting, but it was not a particularly creative setting and didn’t really say anything about the battle. The one thing I did like is when you incorporated the setting a bit into your strategy, such as the use of the water droplet (do see my comment in strategy about the droplet).

Strategy – 2 Hearing a single water droplet seems like a stretch even for elven hearing. If Aramil’s hearing was really that good, I think Max would have been able to win simply because him talking in a normal voice would have been enough to render the elf deaf. This is a minor quibble, especially because you didn’t use this for any strategic advantage. However, be mindful that elven hearing is not so great that you hear a pin drop across the room.

With regards to the actual strategy of your battle, the problem was really in the lack of details. I’ll give you an example from your first post;


Through his laughter, he only left himself wide open. Just as he had done, the man led with an assualt of magic. The fire ball had come soaring at him, hitting him in the chest. Though little damage was done to his actual skin, it left a black burn mark, and singed some of his black hair. Aramil managed to brush it off, just in time.

How did Aramil manage to brush the fire off? I’m really not sure what transpired here, and if you did something neat and creative, you deserve points for it. If you describe your attacks and counters vividly, this score will increase. Similarly, I have no idea what you meant by a “force feedback”. I didn’t see any mention of it in either profile, and since I have no idea what it did or how it is significant (I believe it was the clash of two spells of equal strength, but I’m not sure) I didn’t really understand the post that talked about it.

Dialogue – 2 The dialogue was mostly trash talk and showed very little character. Much of it was also inappropriate given the setting.

Character – 2 For most of this thread, Aramil felt very generic. I feel you can do better, you seem to know his history. Work on what makes him unique.

Rising Action – 1 If you had shown more of the toll this battle was taking on Aramil, this would have been a better score. Also, you should have built up more of your past experiences with Max, either by flashbacks or some other mechanism. In general, the story aspects of this battle were some of the weakest parts. I would like to see you take a more holistic approach where you make sure that what happens in your later posts proceeds from your earlier ones.

Climax – 1 The double death was a bit clichéd and the poor rising action made the climax suffer. When the buildup is poor, the climax also suffers. Additionally, you should try and make the climax a particularly creative part. For example, in the last thread I judged, a person who was fighting revealed that his sword was damaged. Things like that help you.

Conclusion – 1 A good conclusion wraps up a thread and reminds the reader why it was important. Also, anything that you can say about what your character learned as a result of the adventure will help you increase your scores.

Writing Style – 2.5 Not everything is caught on spell checkers (though there were a few mistakes you could have caught just by using a spell checker). Proof read your posts. If you proof read them, you’ll also likely find areas for improvement as well. Punctuation is also an issue with you. Also, I would advise you not to quote your fellow writer’s dialogue. It is really repetitive. I know what the previous post says, don’t worry about me remembering that.

On the positive side, I like the way that you use metaphor that is Althanian in style, such as comparing your opponent to a “simple orc.” Also, barring the punctuation and the quoting of Spellsword’s dialogue, I didn’t find the other problems to be particularly out of control. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to fix them, but that you do a pretty good job already.

Wild Card – 2 Focus more on who Aramil is. You’ll be surprised how much that helps you.

The Spellsword

Total Score= 17.5 Don’t worry, with the comments here, your scores should improve in no time!

Introduction – 2 See the comment I made for Aramil. The same applies to you.

Setting – 2 I would have liked this better if you hadn’t merely regurgitated what Aramil told me about the setting. There was a few little bits where you tried to analyze the setting through Max’s eyes, but not nearly enough. You should either tell me different things about the physical setting, or just concentrate on what the setting means to your character.

Strategy – 2 What really turned me off is you talking about a final attack halfway into the battle. If Max is working on some kind of hard to perform final attack, he should feel the strain of it later on. Aramil’s comment about describing your attacks and counters applies to you as well.

Dialogue – 2 See Aramil’s comment. You also had the additional problem of bordering on cliché.

Character – 3 What you really need to establish is telling me why your character does what he does. I’ll give you an example from your introductory post.


“I should trust him but I don’t know if I can.” Max wondered as he followed another monk that arrived in a doorway and motioned for him to follow.

Why does Max not trust the monks? Is it because of a previous bad experience? Did his parents tell him never to trust a person in a robe? Or is it just because Max doesn’t trust anybody?

On the positive side, I saw a few pluses here. You seem to be thinking out who it is that Max is, you just haven’t yet articulated it that well. Touches like Max’s eagerness to eat the turkey are nice.

Rising Action – 1 See Aramil’s comments.

Climax – 1 See Aramil’s comments.

Conclusion – 0.5 There was nothing really concluding about this post. In addition to all the things I said that Aramil needed, you also need to give the reader some sense of closure.

Writing Style – 2 Punctuation can be your biggest friend. Know when to break your sentences. Long run on sentences just confuse readers. Typos that a spell checking program like Microsoft Word would catch are also a big problem here.

Wild Card – 2 Not too bad for a start. There are things you need to work on, but you have all the time in the world. There is no reason why you can’t elevate your score by working on some of the comments here. Soon you’ll be much better.

Spoils= Aramil and Spellsword each receive a rucksack of food and a waterskin of wine.

[Thoracis]

Aramil gains 308 EXP.

The Spellsword gains 50 EXP.