Ack!

[Master Val'Rysn]

Phew am I exhasuted. I just completed the 1st chapter to my solo in 2 days. I know, kind of rushed it. But I did anyway, i've been typing for the past 6 hours on it today, and a bunch of time yesterday.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on it, because i'm a sad bastard who can't live through a day without people telling him if he's either good or bad. So, if you wanna cool down and read a story, why not mine? Then tellme your thoughts, or you could just skim through it. My point is, i'm an impatient fool who needs to know how he did BEFORE the official judging is done, which in these times can take anywhere from a week to a month.

If this is space-wasting or inappropriate in any way, for you mods, just delete this - I don't really mind. :)

[Ataraxis]

Just as a note, when you submit a thread for judging, you can check on top of t he main page for a nifty link called 'View your Judging Requests'. There, judges tell you when they choose your threads and add notes to keep you in the loop!

Click here! (http://www.althanas.com/world/postreports.php)

I'd give your solo a look-see if I weren't preparing for some sweet summer sweatin', but when I come back from the dumpster tomorrow, I'll read it for ya!

[Master Val'Rysn]

Oh, duh! I forgot about that. You see, it wasn't there last year, ahahaha... Well that solves that.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

I've made a night of reading this quest. I've noticed a few grammatical errors here and there, but it's nothing that a quick read out loud won't fix--you'd be amazed what you can find when you read your posts out loud. The main thing that kept popping up was when you interrupted a bit of speech with some action, like this:

"There were totally six cookies," Artifex mewled sadly "but somebody eated them!"

After "sadly", right before you continue the sentence, you'll want to put a comma or a period, whichever would make more sense. Hurry, man! Fix them before there's still time!

I particularly enjoyed the dialect that you used for the half-orc, kinda reminded me of those dumb mobsters you'd see in anything remotely noir.

I'll never understand how elves can have apostrophes in their names! It just unnerves me for some reason! :mad:

"Blood had seeped out of the bolt wound and had almost drenched the front of the mage with blood." As I mentioned before, reading out loud will help you catch redundant lines such as this one.

I think that the story itself was a pleasant opener for a series. I have a nagging feeling that Godix could turn out to be a great villain, should his objectives and techniques in accomplishing them be properly developed... Sure, student that outpaces master might be a bit cliche, but what isn't nowadays?

And good job of playing out a mage in close combat like it should be!

I know that I'll be looking forward to the next chapters of this story, though!

[Seth_Rahl]

Cameron, as she said, there are gramatic errors here and there, but otherwise you'll do just fine. Good job mah man!

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

*pokes*

He.

*feels self*

Definitely a he.

:)

[Seth_Rahl]

*throws up hands* I knew it! Well, at least one of life eternal questions has been answered. *chuckles*

[Master Val'Rysn]

Yes, I did do that with dialogue, I believe. But I think I had fixed them all beforehand, where did you find them?

And about the names, they're Drow. I read a lot of the Forgotten Realms books, takes place in Faerun with Drizzt and all that. It's very common for a drow name to have an apostrophe in it. I like it too, personally. I hadn't planned on the "student beats master" type of thing, but they were more of friends. But Val only kinda taught Etre'si the ropes of beginning magic, not much more.

Other then what I had to say above in my defense, thank you very much for reading it. Hope you enjoyed it. I'll try to look through, but I assure you I already have. If you see it'll say i've edited the post beneath every single one. But i'll look again, thanks!

Ah yes, and I changed the phrasing for that sentence you showed me. Does this work better? "Blood had been seeping out of the bolt wound since it was inflicted, and by then it had almost drenched the front of the mage."

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

Yes, that phrasing works fine.

[Artifex Felicis]

You know, now I'm required to read this. Damnit. I need to do homework too.

I'll post thoughts after I do so.

Stupid Candlejack powers.

[Seth_Rahl]

Hey, what is the requirement to becoming a moderator? Maybe if guys got more staff it would be easier to grade stuff. i'm not saying I want to be one, but I wanna help, since I have all this time now.

[Letho]

Regarding requirements necessary to become a staff member, there are several. Dedication to the site, responsibility, activity, a few others. The only real requirement, however, is filling out the Application Form (http://althanas.com/world/newthread.php?do=application). The staff will then review your application and make a decision on whether or not your should be hired.

If you or anybody else has any more questions about joining the staff, feel free to PM me so we don't derail this thread from its initial purpose.

[Ataraxis]

Okay, got through it fairly quickly! All in all, a nice read, and it did make me look forward to the next installment. I have quite a few comments and critiques, however, so I hope you won't take them the wrong way, and that you'll find them constructive and helpful!

I'll start with the nit-picky, syntax/grammar comments. Most of the time, the flow becomes a bit jerky with the way you separate or associate independant clauses without conjunctions and the like. Walking through the gates he passed by many people, a motley assortment of Fae, humans, Draconians and various other races strolled in and out. I'd either use the present participle for 'stroll' or put a semi-colon (or the conjunctive and) between people and a motley.


Conjunctives or semi-colons can easily reestablish the flow in the following sentences:

The mage couldn't recall any details of this drow, not even his name, it was a long time ago and he never dwelled much on their friendship once they departed.

"..." asked Godix, Val nodded in response.

One, in fact, he kicked so hard it was sent at Tenerick's legs, which forced him to collapse forwards, using his left hand to keep him from face-planting the stone floor, the chair bounced to the side.

Etre'si looked down and realized that his adrenaline rush kept him from noticing that the foot of his robe had caught fire, he quickly threw it off before it set his magical cloak aflame.

Godix began, the mage turned his attention toward the King of the Keep.

Pain tore through his body, being a mage; he wasn't accustomed to a pain like that. (here I'd move the semi-colon between body and being.)


Also, starting a sentence with but and and is acceptable only for effect, like when you make a short, one sentence paragraph to bolster a point or enhance how drastic something is. Here, though, it breaks your usually streamlined narration.

But it wasn't weak.

Though it did nothing to dim the mage's lust for a place like that.

But he was sure it hadn't closed the hole completely.

Your use of albeit, which is most of the time a nice-sounding although, appears odd, in these sentences:

It's a good thing that this area was circular and empty, albeit the buildings along the outer rim.

The room was pitch black albeit the light that inundated the room from the open door.


There are some instances of redundance, too:

He quickly glanced back at the large port he had come in, the small merchant vessel he had came on was already departing again.

"Get outta here, ye filthy beast!" Cried a man's voice, a draconic man's voice, in the distance. (it might have been repeated for effect, but in that case, dashes would be more appropriate than commas. a man's voice - a draconic man's voice, he corrected - (...) However, taking it out has more of an appeal, in my opinion.)

Like he was listening to something in his mind, or something.


There have also been some mistakes that are quite easy to make, and even easier to correct:

"I'll be back momentarily, i'll meet you in your room."

an ovular table I think you mean oval or ovoid. Ovules are a biiit less stylish!

I figured i'd get all the cool and new stuff out of the way at the intro.

was nothing more then a bum

He was lucky; lord knows how long he was unconscious - This is a bit trickier. If he's actually a religious man, I'm thinking that 'Lord knows how long' would be accepted, though most of the time it's linked to catholocism. For example, a friend of mine used 'Jesus-Christ' as a curse in one of his quests, and was docked for it. I used mecca, and the same happened. Though your case is a lot milder, 'lord' might lead to complications. Considering how Althanas is mostly polytheistic, 'the gods knew how long', or the name of an actual god, might be preferable.


Yeah, that was long, sorry. I just copy-pasted all the sentences I though were quirky and expounded on them. I think I missed two or three along the way, because I didn't want to switch between Word and Firefox, which means you managed to really get my attention at some points of the story. Kudos!


All in all, my impressions of this solo are all fairly positive, though I can say that I still knew very little of Val at the end of the quest (as a sidenote, I didn't read your profile, so that I could have an unbiased perspective while reading your thread). He's more of a witness in this than he is an actual participant, although it looks like he'll get some shine in the spotlight in the next solo!

Moreover, Val didn't exhibit much of his personality, notably the lust for power that I could feel in your opening post, and your last one. In between, he sounded mostly like a dignified, retired teacher, but with only a few lines that really gave insight into his character. He's better than two-dimensional, but doesn't quite reach the third dimension, yet. I didn't really have an opinion about him at the end of the thread. I don't hate him, like him or find him particularly intriguing.

Godix, however, seemed like a very well-elaborated NPC, and gave off a quirky, evil-with-a-goofy-smile, aura, and he came off as both calculating and aloof. I like him, and I despise him at the same time. Very good! The other NPCs came off as nondescript, and seemed more like props than anything else. A little spice in their attitudes would make the read a good deal more realisitic!

As for the action (the raid, to be exact), well, it got the point across, but that's about it. It sounded mostly like you beelined through it for plot-advancement purposes, to the point that it felt a bit drab and mechanical. I read through it, and didn't feel like there was a fight going on, It felt more like assassins came in and assaulted your two mages, and quickly got disposed of. Though you did well in mentioning sounds from a far off battle! The general action, though, was quite fine.

The settings were adequately described, but they were too focused between visible bounds in your writing, as though you focus everything into one paragraph, so that you can go on with other points in your next ones. While heavy descriptions in every paragraph can really cramp the flow, a few details after the big description, here and there, would enhance the reading experience manifold.

Calling upon the five senses, for example. I remember the slightly creepy descriptions and the smell of decaying bodies, but I've a rather unclear image for most of the underground city. In summary, you're doing the right things, just not consistently enough. Read each post after you submit them, focusing on the setting, and look for the places where your mental images become blurry, and spruce them up!

And that's about it. I realize this is god-frikkin'-awful long, so yeah, oops? I'm no professional though, so just consider this more of one person's opinion than a valuable pre-judgment, if you want!

[Master Val'Rysn]

Oh my, this was indeed a very helpful thing. I'll have you know, i'm currently looking through and correcting all my "but" sentences in another tab, and reworded some of that redundance you pointed out. So thank you very much, and I do indeed need to work on setting, it's always been my worst subject. But anyway, thank you, and no in no way shape or form do I take this badly. I need other people to point out my mistakes, and rather than it being a judge who makes the word final, having you people look at it makes me able to fix it before it is graded. I do have some words in my defense, though...

As for the Lust monologue, really it goes for all 3 Chapters i've planned out. At the end of the first one, Val isn't really 'lusting' for anything yet, he is just running a possibly simple errand for his friend, with the benefit of a reward of course. But you'll notice how the lust for power consumes him mid Chapter 2 and all of Chapter 3, oop spoiler! That is just the beginning of an "epic" story (to me, at least).

Could you possibly look over the sentences you talked about and tell me if they're good now?