A Contest of Absurdities (open!)

[Nachende]

The drunks were laughing like idiots at the same stupid joke for the tenth time. A herd of twittering girls was making eyes at a young man across the room who'd ignored them for the past three hours. Chips fell, the same guy groaned in defeat as his other shoe was whisked away. The bard strummed merrily along to a tune the room knew too well, smiling that obnoxious, sickening smile. Jiala, with her head in her arms, opened one eye and glared at the new mug of beer that had appeared in front of her. It looked like piss, as usual. She decided that she hadn't slept, as she sat up and downed a few gulps with a wince. Tasted like piss, too. That song was clawing at her ears, mocking her, making her believe she had lived this same day for years on-end -- always repeating, flawless and identical. Jiala hated music; it forced her to relive the first time she'd heard it, to realize that the past was no different than the present. Music was always the same.

And then, as she would doubtlessly claim later, she suddenly went crazy.

"I challenge," she roared as she picked herself up and stood shakily atop her barstool, "everyone here," she glared out at the crowd and pointed into it randomly, "to a tall tale contest!"

Jiala remained in that stance for a good minute, stoic and so very serious, and hoped no one would bring up the fact that she hadn't mentioned a prize for the winner. "Short stories, completely fiction and off the top of your head! The most absurd story wins! I'll start!" And so, without wait for a response nor heed to the bartender's pleas to get down, she began with a fierce enthusiasm:

"There was a boy whose father was a werewolf. One full moon, the boy found that his father had escaped, and that his sister had stolen his shoes and run off with them in her mouth. So, barefoot, the boy followed his father's scent, hoping to stop the werewolf from hurting anyone.

"He was stopped by a man with one blue eye, a scraggly beard and skin that dangled from his bones like paper. 'You smell like fear!' he croaked. 'You smell like you would be good eating! Play a game with me, or I'll eat you!'

"The boy agreed to play a game, and immediately a hundred bunnies came out of their holes and started dancing to the tune of a flute. When the song was over, all the bunnies showed their fangs and leaped at the boy, trying to eat him. The boy ran away, the hundred bunnies thundering after him like a wave, and he went into an old shack and shut the door behind him.

"There were dead toads hanging by their legs from the rafters of the shack, and it smelled like piss and mold. A door in the back of the shack opened to a garden full of weeds, where a gnome was planting shoes. The boy caught the gnome, hung him by his feet from the rafters, then put the shoes on and ran after his father.

"But after he'd been running for a short time, his feet, then his legs changed shape and got furry. Then his body grew smaller and transformed into a bunny! The shoes were cursed, you see, because he mistreated the gnome. So, the boy became a bunny and hopped away into the forest, and his father was sleeping in his bed all along. The end."

Jiala smirked confidently at her grand story and folded her arms. Of course, no one would dare challenge that masterpiece of a tale! She'd won already!

[Seth_Rahl]

Ifrit was in a crappy mood. He hadn't had a job in over a week, and was getting cranky from this little girl's yelling and shouting. But what really brought him to his feet was that she had outright disturbed any peace that may have existed. And right now, all that he wanted was some peace and quiet.

"I'll tell you a tale alright..." The demon suddenly spoke up. His eyes were glowing red from irritation and the small amount of alcohol he had consumed. "One day, a silver haired girl was going through the woods carrying a basket and wearing a red hood. She was skipping along, shouting and yelling and disturbing the peaceful inhabitants of the forest. " As he spoke he circled the barstool that she had stood herself up on. "Lets call this little girl Red Riding Hood for short. Well, what Red didn't know was that she had not only disturbed the peaceful inhabitants, but also the more dangerous ones as well."

He looked her directly in the eyes as he slowly moved around and continued to pace. "There was a wolf living in this forest. We'll call him The Wolf for short. Well, Wolfy here was actually a pretty nice guy, being a wolf and all, but today he was in a cranky mood and the little girl's yelling pissed him off, so he came down and ate her."

As he finished his short story he glared at the little girl. "Make sure your not Red." He said apathetically, concealing the irritation in his voice, and walked back to the table he had been sitting at, ignoring both the girl and the stares he had gotten from his little act.

Dammit, I have a headache...he thought to himself as he began polishing off his drink.

[Tranquil]

Shu had stayed quiet, hiding in the ominous candlelight of his table near the window of the pub taking in all the commotion before he stood and spoke. "You know, I do believe I like the girl's story much better." Shu's voice leaked through the eerie silence of the pub with a whiff of confidence. "Yours was certainly not as tall of a tale as hers." The Magus said with a slight chuckle and walked over nearer to the action.

Shu could understand what the man was talking about. The quietness of the outdoors surely did appeal to Shu, but a pub was certainly anything but quiet. "My good sir, if I may interject. Who has the right to threaten a girl for breaking your peace in a pub? A pub, as I'm lead to believe is anything but peaceful. If you are one to keep to yourself you should want to get away from the drunken buffoons who don't know an old joke from a new one, or a the strum of the same blasted music lyrics." Shu spat, his eyes a stony gray color.

Shu often had a hard time controlling his emotions, and they did tend to get him in trouble. Though he had a fleeing feeling of hope that this time he just might be right in defending this girl; Plus, her story amused him.

"The name is Shu Abishi, Magus apprentice at your service." Shu bowed curtly before Jiala.

[Nachende]

A voice hissed out of the proverbial dark corner, and Jiala's ears perked as a slow grin broadened upon her face. He looked like something that had crawled out of the darkest, fiery bowels; something emotionless and with plenty of experience in slitting throats -- and she, Jiala, had got on his bad side! As the demon told his rather boring story, Jiala sat with her knees to her shoulders, grinning and shaking with the pure glee of attracting such high-brow threats. She could only take the attention as a compliment: after all, why else would someone like him pay any attention whatsoever to a little tavern cook like her -- or feel the need to threaten her when he could have just as easily ignored her?

"What our dear Wolf didn't know," Jiala piped just as the demon began to walk back to his seat (it was against her code to let anyone get away without a comeback), "was that Red was carrying chili pepper in her pocket." She reached back and -- lo and behold -- a little wooden box of chili pepper was produced. Who knew. "Just as the wolf came near, Red blew a cloud of chili pepper into his face and hit him over the head with a stick while he was gagging, then skipped along on her merry way. Wolfie was such a rude and bad-tempered party pooper for trying to ruin everybody's fun!" There was no way she would allow herself to be ignored -- not after a threat from a classy murderer!

A second voice drew her amused eyes to another young man -- an ally! -- who also had white hair, of all things. Jiala pressed her feet together and sat like a giddy duck, staring with glimmering green eyes between the two rather opposite men. "Yes, my story was much better!" she agreed, sitting a little straighter. "You didn't even try to make it interesting!" As far as she was concerned, she had the one-up on this broody, shadowy murderer guy. She had a better story and a comeback, and someone else agreed with her! If Jiala's triumphant grin could get any wider, her lips might have cracked.

"Jiala Arisa, chef and tavern gnat," she replied to Shu's introduction, pointing to herself with a proud thumb. So, this guy was an apprentice Magus! He looked like he knew what he was doing, at least, talking to that red-eyed scowly guy as calmly as he did. Or maybe Mages were just slow when it came to physical danger. In any case, Shu here could be a great ally -- either to shield herself with or to drag along in doing things she'd always wanted to do. Mentally, she began listing the people whose houses she had always wanted to blow up, and she momentarily forgot everything that was happening around her.

[Highlander]

Connor stood up from his seat and said aloud "There was once a grumpy white haired man who liked to push people around and one day he pushed around the wrong person and ended up with a nice rope necklace." He then walked up to Jiala and Shu. He looked at the man and said "I'm Connor one of the King's own."

[Tranquil]

The magus' stomach felt as if it jumped to his throat as he heard the words of the King's men. Shu turned around quickly, his scarf following quickly behind him as he met the gaze of the man.

"So he got what was coming to him eh? A short drop and a sudden stop?" The eyes of the Magi were slightly bulged at the idea of having a hang mens nuce around his neck, but he quickly there away the idea.

"Shu Abishi," He said, extending a gloved hand, "It's an honor to be in the presence of an apprentice to the King. Give his Highness my best shall you?" Shu said, with a curt bow, his with hair dangling over his glossy gray eyes as he stared at the mans feet.

[Malacka]

"Gah, shaddup yer wee strumpet. Yer talk o' bunnies an' gnomes and shoes, pah! Talk fer little orclings." The harsh voice belonged to an orc sitting at the bar, who had been observing the goings on without comment due to the chewy nature of the cut of meat she was gnawing on--it was the leg of something, but mangled beyond further definition. There were bits of it stuck between her teeth.

"An' YOU!" she spat, waving her leg-of-something at the demon like a baton, "Yer had th' right idear, but iss too short. Yers too, slave." The last comment was directed at Connor--apparently she didn't think much of being anyone's 'man'. "Now heres a story ter turn yer blood..."

"Onche 'pon a time, there was a nishe feller who was like ter walk around at night, shtupid him. An' some peoples caught 'im an' made ter make a ransom of 'im, and they cut his little finger right off and sent it to 'is wife. But 'is wife said, "'ow's I ter know tis him?" And she done nothing. So they cuts off his foot and sends it to 'er. "Could be anyone's foot." said she. So they chops 'is legs inter little bits and sends em to 'er. "This ain't naurght but mush!" says she. So they pulls out 'is guts, bit by bit, and roll 'em up all nice as ye please an' send's em to her, an' "What a nice bonch o' sausages!" says she, and eats 'em all and likes em well and won't send no ransom money. So they pulls out his arms (Not cut, mind ye, their blades were all blunt off 'is bones by now, ha ha) and they sends those too, and darned if she don't say "Always needin' an extra hand around th' place, thems'll be right HANDY!" and won't send no money. So finally theys got to send her his head, and when she sees that, why lor'! she says, It be ald Johnny after all!" and then she sends 'em th' money right fast!

"But now 'er man's all fallen ter pieces, 'e has, an' even less a help round th' house than 'e was afore, so she takes him to th' carpenter fer fixin'. But the bandits ne'er sended her 'is torso as they was so impatient (which don' really matter cuz he's no guts to speak of now anyways, hee hee) So when he's all fixered up he's naurght but a head on an arse w'some legs and some arms, what had ter be attached to 'is ears on account o' he didn' have no shoulders anymore. And darned if'n he didn't live to a ripe auld age like that, a-scuttling about like a dizzy crab!"

The orc sat back against the bar and belched loudly to signal the end of her story. "Yer carn't get a taller tale than that!" she said proudly.

[Taskmienster]

This thread has been sitting since before the beginning of this year (2009). Since no response has been made to create activity I am going to be moving this. If you would like it to be reopened please feel free to PM myself or another admin and they will be able to move it for you back to the Peaceful Promenade.