Into the Maw

Impressive, William noted with a scowl. He hadn’t even thought it possible to use the two-faced statue as a platform to move between the swinging slabs, but the girl had once again proven to be far more resourceful than her slender frame initially betrayed. He supposed that he should be angry with her, but as he looked down on her scraped, panting frame he couldn’t help but to feel slightly appreciative. After all, if she hadn’t drawn his attention to the motions of the statue then he would have been completely unprepared for the massive clock-work pillar’s attack.

“See that,” he hissed, rolling his eyes to the hand which was coming to a rest over their platform as he approached the girl. The hand was larger than the slab itself, and the shadow it cast completely blocked out the sight of the thrashing creatures on the Maw’s rim. William’s charred lips curled into a vicious, snarling smile as he watched it shudder to a halt. “How much more can you dodge in this state?” he asked, kicking out idly at the girl. He wasn’t stupid, and didn’t really expect his razor claws to catch her at this point, but his swift attacks could at least keep her off balance.

“I’ve got to admit I underestimated you,” the revenant said grudgingly. He swept a second lazy kick at the girl, another feint intended only to keep the girl off balance rather than to split her open. “But it won’t matter in another moment, now will it? This massive hand is going to come down hard and smash both of us to nothing more than bone paste and a crimson smear on this slab.”

Another half-step and William danced around to cut off easy escape routes from the side of the slab. He dragged the claws of his feet as he did so, the force of his strength leaving a gouged groove in the stone behind him.

“Time to die then?” he asked pleasantly, obviously wasting time.

“Time to die then?” he asked pleasantly.

Ashla moaned as she looked up. Now, there was no way to escape it is over. she told herself

No! a voice screamed into her head, It is not! Fight!

But I can't! she closed her eyes.

Be strong, Ashla! You can make it! Please do!

Ashla sighed and opened her eyes, "No... It's not my time yet!" She forced herself to stand up, "Yes, we may both be in a state of death; but somehow, we could... I don't know..." she had no idea how to find a way to survive this giant hand that was going to fall onto their heads any moment now, even her ice skin at it's highest thickness would be crushed by this! She knew that she- they couldn't give up though, "Stop it from falling! But how? ... how?" the heat in this place caused her to collapse again, Great...

Don't give up! the voice called again. Ashla stood up, the nect thing she did surprised herself! She pointed her finger at her opponent!

Ashla knew that the Revenant wanted her to die, most likely, he didn't want to die himself! "If I die, you die too! You don't want to die? I suggest you help me think of a plan to get out of this mess!"

She heard the large clock work pillar make it's motions above her. The hand was coming closer to them! Think, Ashla! Think!

"Don't want to die?" William repeated, cocking an eye at the woman in surprise. A single, horrific, barking laugh tore itself from the revenant's throat, a reverberating sound of disdainful mockery rather than true humor. In a single motion, so swift that the eye could hardly follow it, William tore off his thick, beast hide cloak and flung it far over the edge of the slab. The heated currents rising fro the heart of the Maw caught the cloak and held it suspended in midair for the briefest of instants before it plummeted into the fiery maelstrom below like a raptor diving for prey. Even with its enhanced heat resistance the cloak only only survived the Maw's hungry embrace for a fraction of a second before it, like the warscythe, was dragged under and lost to the fiery abyss.

"I can think of half a dozen ways off this rock," William shrugged, his human form emerging as he sealed away the molten power flowing through his veins. He paced backwards several steps, away from the roaring heat and sulfurous stench that the Maw rolled over the edge of the slab. The chanting from the writhing figure's on the volcano's edge were muted now, though whether it was because they had stopped chanting or whether the chants were just being blocked by the descending shadow of the clockwork hand William couldn't say. Regardless, to him it signified the apex of the battle arena, a single moment of stillness frozen before the battle's finale was to be decided. What he had said was true of course, his enhanced abilities could easily offer him numerous escapes from the predicament he and his young opponent found themselves in. But that wasn't the point, the point was that William had tired of the cat-and-mouse game, losing the raging desire for destruction that had writhed in his veins like serpents of fire.

"I've died too many times to care girl," he called back to the young woman as he walked to the center of the platform and spread his arms, eerily mimicking the human side of the statue that was currently threatening to crush him. "Sometimes it's best to just let things run their natural course."

A ghostly whisper of a savage smile flickered across his features. Closing his eyes, William lifted his head and waited, a dozen paces from the girl at the ledge, for his inevitable death.

Ashla was confused, "Can't you only die once?" she looked up at the clockworks’ hand. It was coming closer down, I know I can only die once, and I don't want to! She was going to find a way out, whatever this guy said! She ran as close as she could to the bottom of the clockwork; carefully observing it to see how it worked, "Maybe..." she said to herself, "I could somehow stop the clock's rotation..." I've got to stop thinking out loud!

"Can't you ..." The words broke William from his reverie. " ... only die once?" It all suddenly made sense to William. The girl's confusion, the utter terror and desperation, and the mad scrabble to survive. True there were those who acted as if every Citadel battle was a matter of true life and death, but William found that Citadel combatants more often just let themselves go in a flurry of released repression and violence. It was the duty of the Ai'Bron monks to not only create the sprawling vistas of the battle chambers but to see to it that all the combatants' wounds were tended to. And it was certainly part of their job to make sure that the combatants understood that.

William was suddenly both very weary and very angry.

"Where exactly did you think you were?" He said, rounding on the panic-stricken woman. "Of course death isn't permanent in the Citadel. It's merely a blank stop until the monks get you all patched up and ready to go again."

As if to add emphasis he gestured broadly around the Maw. "Did you think any of this was really real? How in the Thayne's names would you have found yourself dumped in the middle of a volcano? Furthermore, how do you think you've kept from being fried by the heat that this thing is giving off?"

That was the final straw, and William found the last bit of enjoyment had dripped out of the encounter. He was done, done with foolish girls and errant monks. He was grim and unhappy, and that meant that someone was going to have to die. His entire frame swelled in an instant, reverting back to the charred heat of his war form. The powerful muscles straining within his thick hide coiled for a second before propelling him once more towards the girl, only this time there was no elegance or grace to his movements.

With only seconds to spare before the statue's hand destroyed them both, William charged his opponent for the final time. The general, the warrior, was gone and in it's place was nothing but a furious whirlwind of raw animalistic rage, fiery power, and razor sharp bone.

One way or another, this would be the end of it.

l made sense to Ashla now! When she died here, her death wouldn’t be permanent! She mentally face palmed, what a fool, I am! She was immediately startled when her opponent resumed his burning fire form and was now racing towards her. He did not look happy... at all.

Okay, Ashla asked herself, how would you rather die? Squashed by a giant clock, or torched by him? She had come up with her answer surprisingly fast: dying by the clock hand would give a whole new meaning to the old saying “your time has come”!

“No way!” she screamed aloud, right before he reached her, “I’d rather be squashed like a pea!” And she ran out of his way just has he had reached out to grab her into what she could tell would have been a painful death.

Even though she had dodged him, she still felt very light that very second. Either the heat was catching her even more, causing her to feel very dizzy, her opponent had caught her anyways and killed her, or the clock hand came down on them and killed her. Now, she didn’t even care, she just wanted this to end so she could escape this heat the Maw produced; then find Iris and rat to her all about this battle she was indeed losing.

The feeling William had was akin to getting to the bottom of the stairs a step too soon. The one where the primal animal hind-brain cues a disconnect between what just happened and what should have happened. It was a disorienting feeling, and it was one that should have spun William's head viciously. Were he in a better state of mind William would have supposed himself fortunate, but the red tide of rage which carried him blocked out both the disorientation and the relief. It also blocked out the rational part of him that would have pulled on the demonic warrior's reins after his failed attempt at savage violence. And so in the end it was William's own rage that grabbed him and hurled him off the edge of the slab and into the churning heart of the Maw with absolutely no hesitation.

Despite taking a headlong plunge into a glowing, deadly abyss, it wasn't more than a matter of minutes before the restorative magics of the Ai'Bron and William's own regeneration had his body completely recomposed, reclothed, and reequipped.

"I'm less than pleased with your performance in this," he growled, angrily snatching his warscythe from the ever patient Ai'Bron attendant manning the recovery room. "I made my preferences clear before entering the chamber and you failed to provide."

He locked eyes with the attendant, the burning glow lighting up the monk's face. "You've never failed like this before."

"Our humblest apologies, Lord Arcus," the monk begged, a slightly abashed look creeping over his face. He was an old hand at managing the Citadel, the masters unwilling to subject the newer monks to the revenant's wrath.

"See to it that it doesn't happen again," William snarled, his rage unappeased by the slight show of pittance. Fuming, he took up his restored cloak and stormed out of the Citadel, a blossoming wave of heat guiding his way out of the massive edifice.

Revenant/BlueGhostofSeaside

Plot ~ 18/9

Storytelling ~ 5/3 - There was very little in the way of storytelling here, no real plot to speak of, even for a battle. Revenant was more successful in his attempt to show a beginning, a middle, and an end. Blue, it helps to think of a goal for your character before writing. For example, perhaps a little insight into why your character was dumped here without knowing what the Citadel would have provided the necessary fuel to drive a story.

Setting ~ 7/3 - Rev, you did a very good job describing the Maw, and by keeping the atmosphere alive through observations in your narrative. Blue, you did make use of some of the settings, for example, the statue, but there was little else that would inform the reader of your environment. Your posts in general were pretty bare-boned, and one way to beef them up would have been by incorporating the setting into them.

Pacing ~ 6/3 - On the whole, the pacing was jerky. Clearly, this battle was not what either of your characters expected, and while this could have been a good story, the awkwardness of it showed instead in the writing.

Character ~ 19/10

Communication ~ 7/4 - There wasn't a lot of it, but what was there, was decent. The inner monologues seemed appropriate, though not necessarily groundbreaking. The dialogue and body language were along the same lines. Rev, you did a pretty good job here, especially in your narrative that sought to show the reader why your character felt the way he did through monologues and the like (which bleeds into persona, which I addressed below).

Action ~ 6/3 - There were some huge stumbles here. Rev, the biggest critique I have is for when you immediately revisit how your attack/action was thwarted with a sense of disbelief. I'm not saying don't do this, but if you could weave those thoughts into a different frame of reference, for example in planning future attacks so they don't stick out like a sore thumb, I think the overall sense of action would be much improved. Blue, you really didn't have a lot of action, and what you did have was not well explained. You never showed how you could have attacked William as he lunged at you, nor did you show how, despite the odds, your character managed to sprint on top of the statue. These types of feats warrant a good and well-described description.

Persona ~ 7/3 - Rev, you did a very good job here in portraying William exactly as he is, and in the interesting way he reacted to a obviously mismatched opponent. Blue, you touched on something that would have been very interesting to know about your character, that she had faced orcs, magicians and more, but you never elaborated on this, so I was left with very little to go on about who your character actually is. Some of your inner monologue revealed more - that she is a fighter not prone to giving up, and she'd rather be squashed like a pea than give the pleasure of killing her to her opponent. But in the end, your opportunities to show character were largely untapped.

Prose ~ 22/14

Mechanics ~ 7/5 - Rev, you could do to use more commas for clarity, especially when addressing someone directly, like at the beginning of this sentence. Also, a comma should be used if the person is addressed at the end of the sentence, as in 'Go home, girl.' I also noticed a few sentences that needed periods because they ran too long. Otherwise, a few missed typos. Blue, proof read your work. Your posts didn't show a general lack of ability with mechanics, but instead simple errors that were accidental. A quick read can alleviate this problem.

Clarity ~ 7/5 - There were a few instances between posts where I had to go back and read the previous post - and one of these was the statue. Did it fall or didn't it? Blue, do your best to describe your actions so the reader isn't left wondering what just happened.

Technique ~ 7/4 - Rev, your descriptions were lovely (as a pit of hell can be) and you did well bringing them to life for me. Blue, all the critique I've given you to this point will do wonders in raising your score in this category. As I would say in setting, put yourself where your character is, and let the sensations come to life through your words - metaphors. With a goal in mind for your character, you can more easily foreshadow events that are to come.

Wildcard: 5/5

Total ~ 64/38 Victory to Revenant.

Revenant receives 2750 EXP.

BlueGhostofSeaside receives 375 EXP.

EXP/GP added.