Byzantine
Hey there! Sorry for the delay, though I’d like to say that I did forget claiming it and the tournament has been eating up a lot of my time. I will be getting this up ASAP though. Lol. And just as you requested, something between bare bones and too much… we’ll see how that goes. I tend to make a lot of notes as I go.
STORY (18/30)
~ Continuity ~ 6
~The backstory that you gave was well done, I got a good feel as to who you were and as it progressed, why you were there. However, what I didn’t get was how you got there. How did Cael get involved in the smuggling of food aide? I got that your brother and the mage you knew were helping out, which would be reason enough, but didn’t see it fully expounded upon.
~ Setting ~ 6
~From post to post the setting was consistent and well done. Though Salvar is pretty easy to get annoyingly bogged down in snow and wind, you did a good job of not being absorbed in a repetitious way of explaining where you were and how it looked. My only suggestion is to use it a bit more, like you did in a few posts of note. The opening post, with the ink being frozen over and blowing about the notes, that was well done. Things like that help, and ‘using’ the setting doesn’t always mean picking something up to fight with it, and can indeed be used in such a way as just to be interacting with it (or in this case it interacting with you).
~ Pacing ~ 6
~See First comment in Action.
~There were a couple times when it felt a little more rushed then it needed to be. The death of your drow friend-turned-traitor towards the end was somewhat sudden. So was falling through the portal and being caught by the guards. Slow down a little bit around the points that have combat or advance the plot in a bad way and you’ll be completely set. All in all the pacing was not bad though, the story flowed a bit slow on its own, since it was mostly just delivering foodstuffs and trying to worry about who the ‘plague rat’ was in the group. But still well done…
CHARACTER (21/30)
~ Dialogue ~ 8
~Everything was well done, realistic, and not overly done or cliché. Nothing really to note here, as you seem to have a very firm grasp on dialogue and the way it reflected in the characters.
~ Action~ 6
~In the 4th post you had a very sudden, seemingly rushed encounter with the soldiers of the Church. I had to read over it a second time to get the feel for what was happening. A little elaboration that would have helped out a lot, since it was sudden and made the pace go from slow to INSTANT. Haha.
~Oh my! Intrigue with the portal keepers! I loved the 6th post because it made me wonder, pulled me to the edge of my seat, so to speak. Wonderfully done without overly being done, or the information about the portals instantly being known. It also set up a very good side story, of sorts, that made me wonder what would happen next. The clerk’s notes, the disregard by his superiors, and the one sent to check it out without any real haste… very well done.
~ Persona ~ 7
~Only comment is that you showed a lot more than helped the reader ‘feel’ the characters out. Things that stood out were why was the drow turning on the group? Was he getting a really good pay out of it? I remember seeing maybe once or twice something about being paid, but nothing specific. Other than that the way you showed the characters was well done, and you have a good hold in your mind as you write to keep them consistent. A little bit more background for them, at least in the scope of how they relate to the quest, would do well to make this better as well.
WRITING STYLE (21/30)
~ Technique ~ 6
~It’s probably just the way you write, but it feels that hyphens are a bit overused. I counted about 20 in the second post alone. Other than that you tend to throw in advanced techniques at times, but not enough to really note. Try and spice up the writing and you’ll get the reader’s interest without question. I will not the multiple times you used foreshadowing, and how well it was done. I liked it, and would like to note that not a lot of people use it, and it is a relatively easy technique to use that sometimes gets passed over or missed by the reader. My only suggestion is to maybe disguise it a little more in the thread, so that it’s not BLUNTLY and explicitly punching the reader in the fact. Don’t feel bad about writing it out so that the reader questions what or who is doing what… because if it’s clarified later on it is fine as long as it’s not hard to follow and makes people unable to understand that it is, indeed, a fully thought out post. Not sure if I explained that correctly or not, if you don’t understand feel free to PM or IM me and I’ll help you out.
~ Mechanics ~ 7
~Just a few scattered spelling mistakes, or missed punctuation. Nothing major, as some of them were mistaken words that were easy to mess up and things that Word wouldn’t catch. Such as typing in ‘foot’ instead of ‘food’, things like that. I didn’t note all of them, for the sake of keeping this closer to the size that you requested, but did note things below that stood out aside from the spelling.
~ Clarity ~ 8
~Other than the note I made in actions regarding pacing, it was all clear and easy to follow. The note I made in technique regarding hyphens made it a little bit hard to read at times, but all in all it was pretty good.
WILD CARD!!! 7
General Notes
~ “He stood on the stoop for a moment, willing some of the feeling back into his toes, watching the snow drift across the broad, smooth street.” [2]~ You went from getting the ‘feeling back into his toes’ right into ‘watching’. It’d be fine, except for the small fact that you did it without a period or some notification that you were changing the subject of the sentence entirely. Something, either a period to separate the two different trains, or something before waiting will help with that.
~ “…they wouldn't be needed when the only patrons weren't supposed to be there in the first place.” [2]~ A confusion in text, since you are the only one there. I think it’s supposed to be ‘the only [patron wasn’t]’
~ “the beasts needed fed” [8]~ beast needed [food or feed].
TOTAL
(67/100)
GAINS/REWARDS!
Inkfinger receives 2400 exp; 425 gold
Due to the fact that we are ‘between chapters’ for the FQ, because it ended November, the exp and gp are not doubled. However, I did add a little extra to the gold for your troubles and because I really liked the quest. Good luck in future endeavors.
Exp doubled due to the FQ