You Sunk My Battleship! (Closed)

As the young woman spoke of beating him next time, the young Mystic merely smiled and shrugged his shoulders. He stopped in the middle of the hallway and leaned against a wall, considering everything that would be going on over the next few days. He still had his access to the Citadel for quite some time yet, and there was still much to observe and theorize about. There had to be some reason that people kept showing up at the massive building, itching for a fight, and he was determined to discover it. If he could figure that out, he could finally decide for himself whether he would be returning here to continue his self-imposed combat training or not.

The young girl looked uncomfortable holding the mirror and he shrugged as she mentioned getting a handle for the item and then nodded.

“It wouldn’t be a particularly bad idea to make sure that you could hold the item if you want to. I’d suggest wood or ivory for the handle, but depending on your personal finances, that could be difficult. Do what you think you have to in the meantime,” he said as he continued to lean easily against the wall.

With that said, he turned back toward the large doors of the Citadel and walked up to them, stopping just as his hand met the massive stone. He sighed and turned back to the young lady once more, eyes unblinking, and said, “If you want to beat me... train as hard as you can. I will be doing the same. I promise you the next time we meet, there will be many differences in our attack styles compared to where we stand right now.”

With that, he turned back around and pushed the doors open. He walked out onto the busy streets of Radasanth, his hand resting lightly at his side. As he walked away from the building, already wishing that his next visit were upon him, anyone who watched him would see small amounts of electricity dancing between his fingers before he closed his fist and took off purposefully down the crowded street, eyes set sternly on the horizon.

“I’ll be back soon, but I wonder if I’m in the right by continuing to visit this monstrous construct of magic and stone,” he whispered to himself as he walked home.

He knew there was no easy answer, and the only way to truly know would be to continue training here until he had his definitive answer. He just didn’t know what form that answer would take.

Felicity watched Orlouge leave. His casual suggestion to get a handle pales in comparison to what he said about if she wanted to beat him...

Her face hardened as he left, knowing how serious he was. As he left the massive Citadel, she clenched her fists. She always was intent on training more. Orlouge's words bolstered her resolve though. The growing child had to become stronger.

She was alone in a crowded hall. The thudding of feet against the stone floor, the whispers of those who passed by, the heat radiating off their moving bodies. Felicity just stood there for a moment. Her hands softened as she stared at the exit way. She turned smoothly back the way she came, for another fight. Few things lingered in her mind.

I'll make you proud, Ashla. And Orlouge, you'd better train hard! I'll be ready...

The young woman, still carrying her mirror, stalked confidently towards the closest monk. The confidence she carried was not light. A background of pain bolstered a stronger will from the redhead. Segregation and exclusion taught her what not to do, and how to react to it. Now the apprentice of one talented ice user, and carrying a gift from another, Felicity Knopsnider had everything she'd need to climb higher up the ladder she set up for herself.

All she had to do was start climbing.

Out of Character:

This thread is done! I request the ice mirror, with a metal handle, as a spoil. It can only be destroyed in heavy combat or at Rehtul's will.

Thread Title: You Sunk My Battleship!
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Rehtul Orlogue vs Flamebird

Careful consideration was taken in this judging as the thread was both a battle and a quest, and was noted as such by the judgees in the judgement request. It is judged in the format of a battle as it is within the Citadel forum, and scores are based thus, though rewards are slightly manipulated because of the quest format.

This thread was also incredibly hard to judge. At first when I did scores you were both level pegging. It was so incredibly close there is little next to nothing between you two. It was a really great thread and I enjoyed reading it so much.

Plot: 19 --- 20

Story- 7/10---7/10

Both: The story here was both exhilarating, and teaching. You did together what is very rarely done in a battle story - you wrote a well rounded tale that became something of a story complete with very powerful character development that also revealed more about your characters. The small details - such as Rehtul’s obsession with his hair from post 9 to 11 (ish) and Felicity’s inability to deal with the “cage” in post 8 - merely strengthened your story. You had both of them make friends with their combatant (each other) despite the fact they were competitors for violence in this battle. So many well dones here. The only thing that was really odd was that the tone very definitely changed in the middle, and in this way it was a very weird ethereal story. Consider adding some flashbacks to the fighting, and this could tie in once more your sense of story.

Rehtul: Aside from the “both” comment you did really well here. You had moments of real tension and then moments of pure hilarity: “Did I just get struck my lightning?” in post 9. What you did well was to ease into the calmer second half of the piece by having the sudden strike of lightning. This gave a new voice, a sudden shocking pause in the adventure.

Flamebird: Your strengths in this piece were beginning and ending well. You had a particularly strong introduction and gave a good view of both the innocent and fighting (rage like) sides of your character. Like a gentle giant Felicity clearly is a loveable character, and you make the reader want to get to know her more. Only criticisms here are that you could have made your posts longer, but that is more a structural issue.

Setting- 6/10---6/10

Rehtul: You opened with setting dramatically well, highlighting in close detail the colour of the ship and how it was lodged in the decks. This was particularly striking, with notes of colour etc, and a good mention of how useful water is to you. A good base of technique was used here, and overall you mentioned setting throughout, using the weather as an active directive for your plot. In general you did seem to become more focused on the action as time when on - after the lightning stuck setting was left to the side and less important in the rooms of healing in the Citadel than the battle arena. Try to keep up the same energy when switching scenes and try adding other senses into your description of your setting - exploring smell, taste of salt in the air etc.

Flamebird: You have a really good strong introduction to your piece, with a good view of the water and the area, focusing on how your character interacts with the scenery. There is a lot of attention on her and it is clear that she is the centre of perspective - however, a note of caution here. At times it can become that your central character can drown out everything else in taking centre stage. Just be careful of balancing. You do move well from scene to scene, despite the fact it was not easy for it was not you who went unconscious, overall you write well. Encouragement here to explore use of different senses - try to imagine the sound of the waves lapping against the wood and your writing will improve.

Pacing- 6/10---8/10

Rehtul: Pacing in general was good. Strengths include a good measure of action and a good ease from scene to scene, going from the fighting to the aftermath of the quest-like part of the thread. What could be improved up in general is your actions - sometimes you do get carried away and try to do a lot in a post. Overall this is a better thread than some of your other more confusing battle threads but this point can affect pacing. Pacing was fast at the beginning and slowed down more or less well, but it was a wee bit too jarring. Try to be smoother, and even make the difference between more obvious. You did have a very well placed climax and denouement, so congratulations here.

Flamebird: Your pacing was essentially almost perfect. Despite not being the central character in the pause (i.e. the strike of lightning in post 9-10 ish) you held your character together well and smoothly slid from one part into another. Overall this judge was very impressed by your pacing and how it joined with Rehtul’s in order to bring about a great story. You could perhaps make your posts somewhat longer - you certainly have the space and capacity to do so but no marks are taken off for this as it's one way to expand and is not necessarily a weakness here.

Character: 22 --- 22

Communication- 8/10---8/10

Rehtul: You carry your character and his traits well with a strong voice that is consistent. His way of speaking has actually changed slightly from when this judge first met him, which is particularly powerful as it shows character development on a small detailed level - he seems to have lost something of his nobility that used to be contained within. He has angry moments such as “what the hell happened to my hair?” in post 11, and you correctly and effectively use emboldened font in these times to emphasise such. Other emotions are portrayed well and flow with the time. Very little to complain about here.

Flamebird: One cannot comment here without mentioning Felicity’s speech impediment. It is both adorable and unique and you use it well. Rehtul did use reactions against it in post 3 which merely intensifies the impact of your use of it. The terminology also that she uses is in keeping with her character, with a great deal of “I’m sowwys” and polite ways without any swearing or harsh words towards the opposite party. You also kept it steadily constant which was powerful in itself. The only holdback is that at points it can be difficult to understand what Felicity is saying, such as “stiw” in post 14, but these are mostly individual words and one can get the meaning in the context, but just a note here as this can affect clarity a little.

Action-7/10---6/10

Rehtul: Your actions are well defined and purposeful and you have a very good way of carrying them through. Rehtul also has a way of holding himself, which is perhaps a hint at his aristocratic past (see communication). There is anger in him by the way he “screamed” in post 5 and his actions relay this, not just the ways he speaks, which is very hard to do for even the best of writers at times. Actions are by far your most used of Character attributes and you do use them well, but one word of warning - a good balance of such techniques makes a good writer and it would be good to see you expand more into persona some.

Flamebird: Felicity’s actions simplify exemplify her character. She is part neanderthal, that is known, and you do mention this, and also she is excessively naive and innocent, perhaps largely due to her age and mistreatment. Sometimes you do miss opportunities - this judge saw maybe one mention of her ability to go into rage form because of her inheritance - where you could really have used your individuality. You have the potential - use it!

Persona- 7/10---8/10

Rehtul: What you do particularly well is intertwine your characters thoughts in with action, in a smooth way that adds a great amount to your writing. It reads well and inter-joins with your normal action. “No… way… he thought as he looked up into the sky above,” post 9 is particularly a strong example. From here what could be done to improve is to begin to use indirect thought, like indirect speech, to express thoughts that intertwine with stories of the background of your character and so on. You do do this a little, in mentioning Rehtul’s father, but further development can be made here.

Flamebird: Your strengths here lie in combining your characters thinking into your normal sentences, such as your list ending in “check” in post 2. This gives a sense, at the beginning of the thread, of the idea of the character, that continues well. Though you perhaps do not use as much direct thought as some writers (and this can be a place where you consider developing from) you already have a good hold of who your character is and show her mind through your writing. Your conversational tone adds to this, and even reminds the reader of the youngness of the character herself. You receive also lots of kudos and marks for going back in time in post 8 and directly connecting a scene from Felicity’s past to what is going on now (the cage), a scene that ends of making her weep and tremble and leads into the next part of your battle-quest.

Prose: 20 --- 20

Mechanics- 7/10---6/10

Rehtul: Really nothing much to say here. Spelling errors were not to be seen, not in any obvious way, and paragraphing was exceedingly well done, better than some of your pieces in the past has been - therefore congratulations on improvement! The only advice would be to perhaps be more experimental with your punctuation, in use of not just full stops and so on, but bring in more ellipses etc that you have used in speech.

Flamebird: Similar to Rehtul here, there were no obvious spelling mistakes. There was a word missing in post 12; “Felicity’s flew up again when she heard Orlouge move,” where there should be something between “Felicity’s” and “flew” and no obvious clue could be found in the contexting sentences. A small read over can help this often. Aside from this you were really strong in your writing. Again, similar to Rehtul, encouragement here to start exploring the more unusual punctuation, that will help your writing to go to the next level.

Clarity- 6/10---7/10

Rehtul: Clarity over all was good but a little unsteady. In the beginning of the thread, when all was tense, there was some need to read over parts again to properly understand some of what was going on - but only a couple of times. You do stuff a lot of detail into your pieces, and sometimes this can get in the way of clarity. An easy way to ease this is to read your posts back to yourself, out loud, and check the ease of reading them yourself. Aside from this understanding the overall plot was not difficult, and your great paragraphing helped to convey it clearly.

Flamebird: As mentioned in communication, your only real hindrance to clarity was some words in Felicity’s speech that hinder understanding. What you need to develop is a way of keeping this individuality but also writing clearly. Such a way could be to not have both “r”s and “l”s coming through as “w” but this is just a suggestion. Apart from this point clarity was excellent, with bold statements and an easy-to-read thread.

Technique- 7/10---7/10

Rehtul: You do have a beautiful way of describing some things, especially ice. It is not surprising as you do write about ice a lot, as it is central to Rehtul’s powers. Post 7 has a remarkable amount of description from you, starting with the list of shapes and onwards to discuss the light. Even the description of the mirror in its delicate way is truly well done. You could in general make more use of linguistic techniques such as metaphor etc, but you already have a very good base that sets you off on good stead.

Flamebird: You have a very simple way of describing that is different to Rehtul in a way that it is very direct. However, for your character this actually works surprisingly well. For in your, to quote your own words, “childlike awe” there is a gorgeous simple beauty,. You could make use of more technique such as imagery, and expand your idea of a haunted past with this, and so here is room to growth. However, very well done overall.

Wildcard: 7 --- 7

Wildcard cannot go to anything here but making a truly marvellous battle-quest amalgamation. Certainly it was beautiful. Thank you guys for the honour of reading it.

Final Score: 68---69

Flamebird Wins!:

1250 EXP!
165 GP!

Congratulations!

Rehtul Orlogue Receives:

500 EXP! **
165 GP!

** In light of this being a battle-quest the amount for the "loser" has been raised higher for this judgement.

EXP & GP Added