Originally Posted by
Elthas_Belthasar
I normally don't like to let people into my personal problems unless you are already in my space, whatever. You know? So here goes.
As you guys know I have been dealing with psychological problems, heavy duty stuff, most of my life. Where has that lead me? To basically a non-existent love life, no dating cause my mom would go bonkers if I even bring up mention of someone I'm into, and like a lot of resentment and feelings of like failure. I personally admit a lot of responsibility for the messed up like MESS my life has become. I think like a lot of it is in my head, that is true, but at the same note I still have free will. I feel like most of us have free will. (Just an opinion of mine, I know) I keep thinking about where am I gonna end up in five, ten, hell, twenty years from now and the picture is looking pretty bleak for me. I'm currently a dependent of my mom and like eventually that won't be there. But hopefully that day is still VERY VERY far away and I won't have to worry about it for a long time. But I know life can be VERY VERY screwed up from firsthand experience. One of the lessons that I've learned is that life is often full of harsh irony. In my case, I'll be stuck taking care of my mom when her time comes when I KNOW for a fact that she hates my guts. (She has told me so. :P ) So to me that's ironic. Cause the person she like at least THINKS she hates the most will end up taking care of her day to day operations when the time comes.
Now me personally...this is probably the most personal post I've ever written in my entire career here on Althanas.
A lot of you guys mean the world to me, some of you cats I don't know too well yet.
But I want you guys to get to know me better.
So I guess here it is.
I'm frustrated at life guys. I don't even tell my therapist about this sort of stuff for desire of not to end up committed. But there have been multiple times where I've felt the urge to jump in front of a speeding train, or go running in traffic or something stupid like that. It's part of my diagnosis, I'm not suicidal by nature, but I do get impulses here and there. A lot of the times I feel like I'm just freaking taking up space. I have no job, no significant other, my mom hates me, and my few IRL friends (The guys here in NY with me) don't make time for me. Again. The thought of feeling like a failure. To think, back in High School when I graduated, I graduated in like the top 100 percentile of my entire graduating class which was pretty impressive accomplishment back then. I was a solid b, sometimes a student. But that's long go. I bombed out of college and will never go back, my crowning achievement was a small internship I landed out of the blue for like a year almost ten years ago. The kicker with me is, when I got diagnosed with my problems, I knew things were just going to go downhill from there. I game most of the time cause that's how I cope. However, to my credit, I do draw and write quite often. So that's something.
For now though, I'm stuck on SSI and, again, my mom hates me.
Then as part of my psychological conditions...I always hallucinate.
Even now. I ALWAYS HALLUCINATE.
The meds helped to a degree but I have begun feeling like the psyche meds are not working and I cannot afford to ask for an increased dose of whatever experimental bullshit they come up with next. But yeah I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that everybody has problems. I just want you guys to understand just some of the bullshit I go through. You guys wanna know what's really messed? This year I turn 38 on my bday (May 05th for those of you who don't know) and my BIGGEST, BIGGEST honest to god worry is this.
Tomorrow I'll be sixty (Proverbially speaking) and I will remain forever alone.
I don't want that...but my situation is very complicated so we'll see if it ever improves.
As for the rest of you guys also dealing with problems...take it from me guys.
It will get better.
One day, SOMEHOW there will be a light at the end of the long shitty tunnel we're all crawling out of. (Some of us deeper in than others) So basically, I guess I can close up with a positive message. We all got shit we hang on to, we all got shit we cling to. It's part of what makes us all Human and unique. I just want to say one last thing. When I was a kid I had a nearly life threatening accident. I was rushed to the hospital, a few months old at the time, and nearly died. I guess from then on I was always in between mindsets. Maybe my whole diagnosis stems from that event. I don't even know. Maybe. But what I can say...is that it gets better. Just trust me on that guys and keep going. This may be the single most emotional post I have ever written here on Althanas. And I been here a LONG ASS time. Anyway guys, no matter what tomorrow brings, keep fiting the good fite. There is always hope somewhere around the corner. Anyway guys I'm always here to talk if any of you cats ever need a friend. I think Imma close the note right about here. You guys stay cool and stay awesome. Hopefully this small note will help some of you guys have more insight about me, and people going through the sorts of stuff I'm going through.