Workshop: Finding Ietus Part 1 - Tirel (solo)

Name of Completed Thread: Finding Ietus Part 1 - Tirel
Name of Authors: Ayithe Solete
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 23 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 11th February 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Have fun!

So, right this may be the most convoluted but painless critique you're going to get. I'm not going to use the rubric because I am currently unskilled at it.

In the most positive way I mean this, holy hell your posts are detailed in your intro you described the storm in so much detail it put me to sleep. Don't take it that I mean it's boring I mean it in the sense that listening to a storm wind, rain and all can put me to sleep incredibly quickly. I'm not even going to touch on mechanics as if you are reading this you understand that I have very little in the way of understanding the mechanics and technique. The dialogue both conversational and internal was easy to understand and fun to read. You used some vulgarity which can be a little off putting if over used also when over used the impact is lessened. You how ever did a superb job with the curse words. That was not bad.

All in all I cannot complain about your thread it's quite a nice story and fun to read and it was quite detailed. I know you're looking for critiques to help your self improve your writing and I am sorry I am not that skilled at flow, pro's mechanics or story. Pretty much I am just here to encourage you to write more. Go Ayithe go!

Okay I'm not using a rubric for this but rather detailed commentary.

I personally respect what you have accomplished in this thread.

Solo stories (Especially ongoing series) of this nature are very hard to pull off in a convincing sort of way. You made a a lot of really good references (In the flashbacks/etc) to Ayithe's growing history. I found the scenes that showcased Raslin very interesting and deeply moving. I'm not sure if that was the intention, but in my mind, the whole thread was sequenced very much like a movie. The story was an intricate and interlaced storyline with many interesting and different characters.

The underlying rules of the story were kept consistent too.

You established the developing connection with the NPC's and ultimately, Ayithe extremely well.

The only tip I could further give you is you should maybe consider The Sway's involvement in the hunt for A) The Shifter-deliciously left unclear if the shifter is dead or not. Was still being hunted someplace. B)-In future threads I would like to see the Sway coming after Ayithe for improper use of magic. That is, magical use without a license/etc.

But further, you did a good job of establishing the underlying themes of friendships and bonds. Love and loss, and other painful aspects of life. Life is not always fun and games and some people are forced to go through very challenging events to ultimately get where they need to be. This thread has achieved that. I personally am left in awe of the skilled story telling and the intense weaving of the metaphorical with the actual thread's events. I personally look forward to seeing more Ietus threads from you.

Now, further tips I can give ya.

I noticed a few points where the action on the thread slowed down a little but, but this happens from time to time with long threads. In the future, be mindful of threads that have scenes with little action. I also want to further compliment that everyone spoke in a consistent manner. To me your NPC's made the thread really shine. I actually CARED about Criz and the gang. It was an awesome twist at the end that would make Michael Bay jealous.

You have tremendous writing capacity and I want to see more Ietus projects from you.

Keep up the good work!

I haven't had a chance to finish this, but I've been tied up and expect to be pretty busy, so I wanted to offer some feedback here.

First, the story is deep, sweeping, and very interesting (at least the first 15 posts or so!). You do a nice job of bringing us up to speed with Ayithe, Dohn, Criz, and L'Ven and characterizing them well. The setting is extremely well grounded, although you lean quite heavily on visual setting and could do a bit more immersion, particularly with the tactile elements available to a blind character. I would agree with Humphrey (whomever that really is; alts always throw me for a loop!); pacing is probably your best area for improvement.

Dialogue is fairly well written, and consistent with the characters. You establish personalities with dialogue, and I certainly enjoyed it.

The nature of a solo lends itself to be less scrutinized, but for an effort this mighty (you've obviously really poured your heart into some fine work!), I'd suggest letting someone ELSE read your work before posting, since we can't catch some errors with our own eyes. For example, starting sentences with "Yet", which you do several times, lends them to be constructed as sentence fragments. Additionally, you need to interject more ownership clauses ("said Ayithe") into lines of dialogue, particularly when you're trading off several lines. In a couple posts I lost track as to which character owned which line, and that's annoying. Since you clearly did edit this on your own (minimal typos, nothing glaring, aside from the British/American English differences which aren't mistakes), I think the next level of refinement is having new eyes look at your work.

Overall, a fine effort here and I will absolutely be reading the rest, but wanted to give some feedback before the workshop closes!

I'll be providing some feedback on this too, but in order to say anything meaningful on a 90,000 word beast I'll have to set aside some quiet time. :)

Instead of a full, thorough judgement (which I can do with the AP), I'll make some quick pointers.

First off, I noticed some grammar errors with a lack of comma. Since comma rules are all sorts of fun, they're a little more grey than other punctuation. Still, I feel they help with the flow of a read. For one, separating several adjectives.

Example: a deep ruby red ---> a deep, ruby red

Or forgo the red and stick with "a deep ruby" since it is implied rubies are red.

You may also want to pay attention to leading clauses and sentence fragments. For example:

Quote:

---

Yet as the escaping flames reached for further destruction they never burned the deck beyond the few moments they rested upon its surface - leaving black marks like small footsteps in her wake.

---

Would have a better and more grammatically correct flow as:

Quote:

---

Yet as the escaping flames reached for further destruction, they never burned the deck beyond the few moments they rested upon its surface - leaving black marks like small footsteps in her wake.

---

Grammatically, "yet as" is also over redundant and can flow better with just the "as".

Next, you used the word "fire" nine times in the 21st post. Sometimes, they occurred one sentence after another. To a reader, that close of a duplicate word, especially as a focal point, can be jarring. It gives a Dejas Vu feel and pulls the reader out of the environment you are creating with your story. I use thesauruses constantly when I write.

Similarly, "water" was used a total of 23 times throughout the last three posts. Most of them occurred in the 23rd post.

"...fiery fearless fighter as she stepped into the fray" - Very nice use of alliteration.

You also might benefit from sentence variation. I also struggle with this. Most of your sentences are rather long with colorful use of imagery. While not wrong, it becomes difficult for the reader to follow. As I often end up overdoing as well, you bombard the reader with intense adjectives, adverbs, metaphors, and similes. It can make for a beautiful expression of a chaotic scene, but you also risk losing the reader in the details instead of what is actually happening.

(I read the final few posts at work. If I have an opportunity to read it front to back, I'll comment more toward the story and characters. I focus on mechanics because they can be 100% controlled. All other factors are products of skill and creativity.)

I've had a chance to peruse this absolute graft of a thread. I wanted to do the piece some justice by providing something of a condensed rubric, but time constraints prevent me from doing that. I'll give you something like a basic judgment instead and hope you can take something away from it!

Strengths:

- I once told you that I thought you were one of the best storytellers on Althanas. This absolute beast of a thread has done nothing to make me doubt that claim. I know that you really like to keep things fresh and try to avoid cliches, so let me tell you that I think your hard work has paid off in that respect. Ayithe has a deep past that is well explored here, and you really help the reader to not only understand a bit more about her but about her motivations. I enjoyed seeing Raslin's name mentioned again. Ietus - and what he is - is something I can't wait to find out!

- Your supporting cast is excellent. From the slightly passive-aggressive L'Ven (my personal favorite) to Dohn and Criz, I feel you got a fantastic mix of personas and situations there. I would have perhaps liked to have seen a little more from L'Ven, but I am biased. I think Rogue One made me love blind people all the more.

- Your setting is very well done. I saw what you were capable of in your first post in the Gnarled Roots of Osiris and from there you never looked back. I had the same issues as Storm in that there could have been a bit more depth when it came to L'Ven, given her extraordinary set of circumstances, but in the grand scheme of things it wasn't too detrimental and you could easily improve in part II!

Weaknesses

- Mechanically, this thread could be improved and I would recommend a fresh pair of eyes (such as my own) look over your work to spot things that perhaps slip the net occasionally. It happens to me too - sometimes, when you get caught up in your work, you go a bit crazy and obvious things fail to stand out (ask Storm what I was like in the Cleansing Corruption!). In our case, we know each other in real life, and you know I am always more than happy to proof read for you. Use me if you feel the need! Sentence fragmentation is something I always harp on about in judgments but it happened a lot here (others seemed to have picked up on it too) and really it just needs a quick go-over in word to deal with. I suspect a lot of this is due to the sheer effort you were putting in and the momentum carried you on.

- Repetition of a single word is something I just criticised Cards for in another workshop and sadly you aren't much different here. It happens more a little later in the thread, but, to highlight Lye's point, as we get to post 21 you tend to stick to a single word - "fire". The first use is fine but it does kill the visualisation of the scene when you don't keep it fresh. A thesaurus here would really help you to come up with colourful alternatives when your arsenal of metaphors and similies is starting to run dry. I had a similar problem with Cleansing Corruption and it isn't easy to keep on top of, but it does make all the difference.

- Clarity was sometimes lost where there were lots of little strings of dialogue together. Paragraph structure was mostly ok, so it would be unfair to criticise you for that, but perhaps your lines of dialogue could be better placed to help avoid muddling of speech? I do feel that might be a tad harsh, actually, but I did find myself re-reading a few bits to try and fathom who was saying what to whom.

All in all, the positives far outweigh the negatives. A bit of spit and polish, taking on board Lye's tips on mechanics, and I think you're golden for part two, which I look forward to!

Hello Ayithe - Flames here with commentary as requested!

Let me just first say that I thought this was a well-constructed story. Of all the current threads in the workshop, this was also the one that I felt I could contribute the most to with feedback, which you then did me the honour of asking for. Which has also resulted in this beast of a post, so apologies in advance for its length. Let me also say that I think epic solos such as these are the hardest threads to write, since all the burden of character, setting, and plot falls onto the shoulders of one writer. So congratulations on seeing it through to the end!

Apologies also in advance if some of my comments come across as harsher than I intended them to - I do realise that I'm being quite critical in certain areas, which I hope comes across as trying to help you rather than to hurt. There were many good aspects of the thread as well, and I've done my best to highlight them so that I come across as a balanced critic, not some old codger on a rant and a rampage.

In order not to bias my feedback, I forced myself not to read anything that came before, which means that there's quite likely to be a lot of duplication in what I say with what's already been said. To do the thread justice, I'll go through it post by post with brief notes first, then summarise at the end. I'll try to avoid posting the same feedback twice, which means that my notes below will be top-heavy; again, I hope that it doesn't put you off ><.

Without further ado!

***

Post 1:

Spoiler:

Opening lines devoted to engage the reader in the setting, but mechanistically flawed. A choice of stronger subject-verb combinations ("thunder shook" -> "storm thundered") would help, as would articulating the violence through shorter, snappier sentences and, once the cadence is established, fragments? Multiple repetitive elements within descriptions (i.e. "storm" and "stormy", "waves" and "waves" within first two sentences).

"The mighty stone sea wall took the brunt of the offensive, protecting the inner harbour from its perilous wrath." -> the sea wall's perilous wrath? Ambiguity like this is unfortunately detracting from the scene that you want to set.

Introducing the first named character five paragraphs in can be a bit of a gamble. May be worth considering weaving her into the setting beforehand? For your chosen technique to work, the previous paragraphs really need to be tautly written, so as to trick the reader into not remembering that you haven't actually introduced a character yet.

The "drowned rat" simile was great, complementing the setting well.

Sentence fragments - unlike many I approve of their use, but only under certain conditions. "Persistent in her search for anyone who could shed some light on the mystery that was Ietus." <- the lack of rhythm to the previous sentences means that there's no reason why you should employ a fragment here when a full sentence would have sufficed.

"Still, Ayithe had not given up all hope and had the desire and determination to ask throughout Tirel for its location." <- no need to tell us this. Show it (which you are already doing)!

Becoming a feature of the thread - long sentences with no commas to break up the flow. "She held her black cloak close, desperately shielding her long blonde and brown hair and determined face, the supposed water proof had done the bare minimum to keep her dry from the blustering wind and rain." <- given that the sentence changes subject from Ayithe to the cloak halfway through, it would work best split in two. Also, "It was thin and poorly made, the basic material for such a task, the result of buying cheap and Ayithe regretted it with a shiver." <- Ayithe regretted the cloak, or the buying cheap (ambiguous "it")?

"Can you tell me who I could speak to at least?" <- No need to capitalise after a question mark or an exclamation mark ending dialogue (these count as commas). Capitalising here renders the sentence ("She begged as they both held onto their coats against the sudden blast of wind.") incomplete in its context.

Numerous jarring word choices ("military style operation", "less active part of the jetty", "she was a fighter for sure"), interspersed with mechanical errors (e.g. "caste" <- should be "cast", "pervious" <- should be "previous"). This continues throughout the thread, in some posts more noticeable than others. I would definitely advise careful proofreading and a second set of eyes to identify and solve these problem spots.

"With the pressure of her pursuer," <- nearly at the end of the first post, and this is the first that I've heard of this pursuer... is there really any pressure on her? Shouldn't this have been made clear (and shown, not told) earlier?

"I hate this... I hate this...I don't deserve it!" <- kudos for writing a main character who can say this, even if it's just in her mind! On the flip side, you are really going to have to convince me now that this is a protagonist worth following!

Post 2:

Spoiler:

"The dark red and black attire of the Darkling creatures skin was formidable, tough and comfortable" <- this sentence doesn't make sense to me. What is a Darkling creature? Is Ayithe wearing its skin? Also, "It even cut low at the front with her cleavage somewhat on show..." <- *groan* (even with the explanation that she hadn't travelled as far north as Tirel before).

How has L'ven survived for as long as she has, giving lip like that to somebody she's just met? The first thug she stumbled into would just shank her ><. Good use of the setting during the meet cute - highlights include the rain as a means for L'ven to get lost, and her zeroing in on Ayithe's lack of gloves and using it as her nickname.

Beneath the rain and the shadow, Tirel itself seems rather bland...

Does any girl call herself pretty in casual conversation to a total stranger? Also, are you really "tougher than that", L'ven? Is Tirel's crime rate really that low, especially in the docks where drunken sailors from foreign lands carouse and brawl...?

Special mention for the number of times "your" and "you're" were mixed up in that post ><.

Post 3:

Spoiler:

"Give me chance you horses ass" <- I am disappointed in you right now... *flies the Queen's English flag*.

Going to break a rule and mention it again, but the number of sentences without clear subject, verb, or comma use is starting to wear me down. I'm not sure if they're intentional or an artefact of an editing pass that didn't quite accomplish what it intended to, but as a reader they're highly distracting from the underlying story.

"Her soaked through Darkling skin attire wasn't the most waterproof clothing, nor was it designed to protect against the elements..." <- you already mentioned this in your last post, no need to repeat it so soon! Admittedly this is a downside of forum-based stories, in that you can lose track of what you've already written since you're so used to treating it as a separate entity (post).

I enjoyed the confrontation, not only that it was born out of pure misunderstanding, but also that it resolved itself without blood.

Post 4:

Spoiler:

Good job on writing out the negotiations in their full, and in infusing them with a sense of tension.

"She always tried to remember her manners, more so when someone was polite or nice to herself." <- haven't seen much of that so far, I'm afraid...

"Toilet" <- a chamber pot? A board with a hole in it over a bucket? A porcelain bowl complete with running water? A Toto system with heated seats and bidet? (Sorry, pet peeve of mine...)

Also she got into bed without cleaning herself first. (Sorry, another pet peeve of mine...)

I miss you. <- the first hint of a humanising moment to somebody who's been prickly, pushy, and frankly irritating thus far. Nicely done, although I might be biased because it reminds me of Nanashi.

Post 5:

Spoiler:

"The familiar deep tone of her sky blue eyed companion called out for her." <- the fact that he has sky-blue eyes has no relevance to the fact that he just called out for her, which makes it an unnecessary description here. I can see what you've tried to do - establish his sky-blue eyes as "them" in the next paragraph - but I'm afraid it doesn't work because they're not the subject of your first sentence. I would suggest either inserting a segue (i.e. "She could feel his sky-blue eyes on her back, pleading for forgiveness.") or saving the description for when his eyes actually have relevance to the narrative (i.e. when he catches up and pleads with her).

"She desired him to pick her, but she resented the fact that he had known them for much longer, and she didn't desire to take him away from his friends." <- nice. I'm not sure if many people in her position would be able to articulate their feelings so clearly, but it makes the narrative (and the complex tangle of emotions) very easy to follow.

Also, I highly approve of the use of dream flashbacks.

"I'm coming Ras...Today is the first day... The first day I truly feel I'm edging closer to you." <- a very clear statement of intent, which is very useful in establishing her character. Well done.

Post 6:

Spoiler:

Again good characterisation of Ayithe's emotional immaturity, not shying away from displaying her jealous thoughts, and then writing convincingly of her paranoia in crowds. "Her eyes darted back and forth, face to face, body to body, hand to hand. Who had a weapon? Who were they? Where they looking at her?" <- this is a very well-written passage.

The loud bellowing voice of the enthusiastic dark robed figure... His pearl white body length robe..." <- contradiction! Again, these small details are easy to miss but really do matter.

"Those bastards are more trouble than their worth." Aren't they just.

Post 7:

Spoiler:

The continued nods to L'ven's blindness and Ayithe's lack of suitable attire are appreciated.

"Something feels different about him." Again, good foreshadowing (even if I didn't know at this stage what exactly it foreshadowed).

You use "banister" / "bannister" often, but as far as I'm aware it only applies to staircases. The correct nautical term, I think, would simply be "railing".

Again, I'm having trouble placing L'ven's personality. She seems a little too blase for a woman in her position, although I get the sense that she's happy to have a female companion to talk to.

Post 8:

Spoiler:

A transitory post, shorter than those that came before, but again rather padded by repetitive elements. For example, the first paragraph could probably be condensed into one or two sentences - the second sentence in particular ("It was difficult...") gives us nothing that you don't then go on to explain in better detail.

Post 9:

Spoiler:

I can completely understand her withdrawal here. Also, you nicely overlaid her personal journey with that of the ship.

Dream sequence! I'm still not certain about the bold effect, though, makes it seem like I'm being shouted at... Also, a hint at why Raslin left for Ietus - one thing that you're doing very well through these sequences is releasing the background information a trickle at a time, keeping the reader interested.

Post 10:

Spoiler:

"Another dream... Another memory... Why must they plague me..." <- just to point out an interesting difference between Ayithe and Nanashi here. Where Ayithe reacts as above, Nanashi welcomes all of his dreams and his memories, as it's the only tangible connection he retains to his past.

This scene, and its aftermath, must have been quite difficult to write. Kudos for tackling it - from my personal perspective, I think you found the necessary balance between squick and plot. Also, darn L'ven again.

Post 11:

Spoiler:

Saved by the BOOM! Also, bloody Sway - nicely foreshadowed by the scene on the docks! Here's when you start to reap the rewards of taking your time to set up your story.

Post 12:

Spoiler:

If it's one complaint I have, it's that the threat of the shapeshifter came from a little out of left field, even including the foreshadowing (belatedly realising what it meant!) above. I understand that such is the nature of their magic, but a rumour or two on the docks or in the tavern would have helped to hint at its presence neatly while helping to establish Tirel as more than ye-olde-generic-port.

Thumbs up to competent and sympathetic military (?) mooks! Especially the part where he avoided cutting the hand and went for the forearm instead, in case he needed to call upon Criz and crew's aid.

Post 13:

Spoiler:

"A part of Criz hated this. He hated the feeling of distrust and disrespect it showed his crew." <- Good characterisation here. Also, "It was (only) courtesy for Captain Wertz to have requested his help."

"His eyes were green. They were definitely... green." <- Dun dun dun! If anything, Ayithe's rather slow on the uptake here, especially given that Wertz wasn't particularly circumspect about his suspicions, but that's part and parcel of human nature. Nicely handled.

Post 14:

Spoiler:

Your mechanics come back to haunt you here. You do a good job of ramping up the action, but then lose clarity as you up the pace. Every word, every sentence counts for double in these scenes, and when your reader constantly has to double-check his understanding, then you lose all benefit of any other techniques you employ.

Post 15:

Spoiler:

... no, you sacrificed the mooks! I've always had issues with stories that do that... *grumbles*

At least Criz agonises over his decision - good on you to show that in an NPC.

Post 16:

Spoiler:

At this point I'm getting just enough setting to picture the scene, but not enough to fully immerse myself in it. I would again advise the use of scent, sound, and touch to accentuate your writing at key points.

The scene where Criz chooses his crew was well written - Dohn volunteering, Farrel doing so even if he really didn't want to and Criz turning him down, the redshirt who actually wore white (why?), and Ayithe waiting until the very end to step forward.

Post 17:

Spoiler:

Dream sequence #3! Your technique of starting them off with the same phrase is inspired, although I would suggest that the actual phrasing could be refined a little (as above).

Interesting also that you chose to use the entire post for the dream, rather than interspersing it with the plot like you did with the other two. I'm not sure I agree fully with that choice in this case - it breaks the flow of the story from arriving at the Chaser to boarding it, with no explanation as to why. But on the other hand I can see why you did so as well - for example, if you'd chosen for Ayithe to have a dizzy spell while climbing the rope, that too would have detracted from the flow.

Post 18:

Spoiler:

I like how you've woven classical horror elements into your tale at this stage. Also, all the death flags!

Criz's struggles with his responsibilites, Dohn's simple honesty and belief, and Wertz's descent into madness were all written well. A minor point would be that Ayithe seems a bit of a bystander at this stage, not taking any decisive action herself and passively observing what goes on around her; while it gives the NPCs a chance to shine, I'm again not certain what it says about her as a protagonist (is she worthy of telling tales about, or is she simply in the wrong place at the wrong time?).

Post 19:

Spoiler:

"It's not supposed to make sense, Criz. It's how I'm designed and it is my existence!" <- while I may chuckle that his powers are defined exactly as the plot needs them to be, I liked the above line.

In fact, the entire confrontation between the two is well written, and presents Criz - the best characterised of your NPCs - with an interesting dilemma. Kudos.

Post 20:

Spoiler:

Was Dohn continually spouting about L'ven throughout all of this? Did nobody mention just how much of a death flag that is? If you spam enough death flags, do you actually gain plot armour?

Even though I'd braced myself for a clusterfuck, it still caught me by surprise how suddenly things went south. Points for well written tension, and in bringing the plot to its climax.

Post 21:

Spoiler:

Fiery fire, ad infinitum. Being a bit of a pyromancer himself, Nanashi knows how difficult word choice can become, but it's still up to the writer to keep things varied.

Post 22:

Spoiler:

Dream sequence #4! Unlike the previous one, this one works perfectly as its own post, as it's clear that Ayithe is doing nothing but drowning throughout. The lack of the common phrase also works to differentiate it from the rest. Good technique!

"Being alone was tough, but she was strong enough to deal with it. She had to be." <- ain't that so. Also, character development!

Post 23:

Spoiler:

Dohn and Gord both survived? Okay, so the first did gain plot armour, and the second wasn't wearing red for a reason. Cool. Although the captain and crew of the Chaser all perished, while none of the named characters on board Criz's vessel did... hmm...

Plot twist! Nicely done!

***

Here goes. I would just like to repeat that, as stated above, I felt that your story was very well conceived and executed.

Story: Good use of pacing. I felt that you knew how to start slow, how to speed things up, and when to slow things down again. I also applaud you for not shying away from showing the more mundane aspects to Ayithe's quest (i.e. negotiating for a berth on the ship) or the less savoury parts of her story. You also know how to inject action into non-violent scenes via character quirk; my only advice here would be to find the right balance. Don't lose sight of the main plot and drown the reader in non-consequential asides, but also make sure that you use your downtime to construct your characters and establish them in the reader's mind. I think you did well in this story.

As stated in the post-by-post notes, I thought that the time you invested in setting up the various plotlines was more than rewarded in the second half of the adventure by the number of foreshadowed hooks that you could call upon (Raslin, the Sway, the bald thug, and the secret of the mysterious man among others). I was also impressed by how you controlled the flow of important information from the dream sequences, revealing the key truths behind Ayithe's character in drips and trickles as the reader needed them. Finally, I enjoyed how you wove elements of character drama and horror into the main story thread, culminating in a final battle for which you had plenty riding on the line. The fact that you didn't present their survival as a happy ending, but rather the beginning of a worse adventure, is the cherry on the cake.


Background: Your setting was adequate in most places, particularly in the visual department, but could use some work (admittedly it did suffer from clarity issues, detailed below). Tirel felt underdeveloped - it didn't have the unique character that often manifests in bustling port cities. Better use of non-visual setting would have helped, both here and later on during the battle sequences - where were the smells, the sounds? As a suggestion: you showcased L'ven well in her interactions with Ayithe, you also could have used her to bring these to Ayithe's attention as well (like she did with the violins in the rain).

Including the Church was a nice early touch, when they hung a nice dark cloud over proceedings as they're often wont to do. Developing their naval arm was also an interesting accent to your thread; I'm not sure whether you deliberately wrote them as lacking in combat capability compared to what you might expect (did they even have any marines?), but it makes complete sense in hindsight given that it's not an actual Naval (capital 'N') vessel. The constant reminder of the Salvic weather, and its effects on the unprepared, was also good to see.

In terms of Ayithe's personal background - the scenes involving Raslin, in particular the dream sequences / flashbacks (my favourite literary technique!) but also whenever she thought of him in 'real time', were probably the highlight of the thread. They served triple duty of driving the plot forward, establishing Ayithe as a character with clear motivations, and providing a sense of where she came from and why she became who she is today, and eventually turned an unlikeable viewpoint character (personal opinion) into a rough-edged protagonist. The fact that you devoted attention to Criz and L'ven as well is a massive bonus to me.


Characters: Probably your strongest suit after your storytelling talents. You definitely did a good job of establishing the NPCs, giving them distinct personalities (not always likeable) and arcs / roles within the plot. In hindsight, I quite enjoyed the fact that you introduced Gord at a late stage as well - it's not always the guys who get named in the first two posts who get all the glory! The growing sense of familial connection between Ayithe and the crew, cemented in the final post by the revelation regarding Ietus, was also well depicted.

Criz and Dohn, and Vertz to a slightly lesser extent, all had believable motivations and acted upon them as they saw best. L'ven was a bit of a double-edged sword to me - on one hand you handled her circumstances well, and gave her the strength to overcome them; on the other, she came across as unbelievably brash and extremely fortunate to still be alive, much less as happy-go-lucky as she currently seems.

Which brings me back to Ayithe. As stated above, I found her an unlikeable character at the beginning, and even after the reveals made through the dream sequences and a tad of character development, she still comes across as self-centred and uncaring of others beyond likeability. Perhaps it's because she's so similar in many ways to Nanashi, except that he lacks any sense of self and thus comes across as a martyr-ish goody-two-shoes instead.


Technique: In terms of story-telling techniques, I very much enjoyed what you had to offer. Dream sequences are one, if not the, favourite literary technique of mine, and I always enjoy stories in which they are employed well. Which you did, via the use of common phrases and stylistic choices that you diverged from to display development. You're also a master of foreshadowing and keeping track of multiple plot lines, with only a few minor nitpicks - detailed above - for me to point out.

When it comes to mechanics and clarity, admittedly in this area you let your story down. I have a couple of suggestions that may or may not be useful - the good news is that anybody can get good at these, the bad is that it takes time and effort that can be much more fun spent on developing interesting stories and characters. For what it's worth, my advice is as follows.

One, either be very clear what you want to say before you start writing, or be very willing to purge entire paragraphs because they stray too far from the central thread of your story. Forum-based writing makes it very easy to structure your posts - establish in your mind what you intend to accomplish within the limit you choose, and then take the necessary steps to do so. Make every word, every sentence count... and, conversely, be merciless in pruning everything that doesn't.

Two, either take the time to proofread your work extremely carefully, preferably by voicing it out loud to yourself to get a feel for the cadence of your writing, or get a good friend or family member to do it for you (and treat them to a beer or a cake afterwards). This, more than anything, would have elevated your story to must-read status. As it is, it proved a bit of a slog to wade through.

Three, when describing a scene or an action, choose the most powerful verb you can think of and structure your sentence around that. Descriptiveness is great - I love it - but try to stay in active voice and avoid the crutches provided by adverbs if possible. This rule alone has helped me immensely in tightening up my writing, and I think it would help you a lot as well.

***

Okay, so that was a critique that nearly rivalled the thread itself in length (not!). Let me just re-emphasise, again, that I really did enjoy this thread. I think you have natural storytelling talent, on top of a knack for creating, developing, and keeping track of multiple NPCs involved in multiple plot threads. Just keep working on your mechanics, and refining your techniques. The only way forward, I'm afraid, is practice... so get writing the next installment in this saga, soon!

Cheers (and many apologies once again for the length of this beast / any offence or hurt caused!),
Flames

Sorry for taking so long to get my thoughts on this together. I did go over the previous reviews and I'm not sure I'll be able to come up with anything that hasn't already been said, but I'll do my best to provide some unique insight. I'll admit I wasn't able to get through the entire thread, but I did read the first ten posts, so that's what my commentary will be based on.

Storytelling

You had a strong narrative hook in the form of the mysterious Ietus, but it was sort of just mentioned halfway down your opening post. In the future, try to grab your reader with the narrative hook. I think this also would have benefited from having a bit more emotion tied to it, as I didn't really get a sense for how important Ietus was to Ayithe until later on. Your pacing was strong and consistent although it could benefit from a slightly less thick writing style. Most of your setting work impressed me, but in some cases you need to make sure you start with your strongest stuff. For example, your opening sentence included six instances of the word "the" which really bogged it down and prevented a clear image from forming in my mind.

Character

You played Ayithe and her supporting cast well and consistently; I really enjoyed your character work. For the most part your use of action was strong and helped build the characters. I liked, for example, how you illuminated Ayithe's indecisiveness with her throwing away her cloak, and then going after it, before finally throwing it away again. You also did a great job of using unique character actions to flesh out the supporting cast in the tavern, and I liked how quickly Ayithe leaped to defend herself at the slightest provocation, it rang true for a woman alone under such circumstances. Your dialogue was strong and consistent but I think you could benefit from doing a little more to give each character a unique voice.

Prose

Mechanically, there were a surprising number of errors, but that's already been mentioned so I'll move on. Your use of imagery was excellent and well embedded throughout the story. You used literary devices to serve your purpose well, and I encourage you to continue on this path. My advice for improvement is fairly simple; write a few shorter threads. While you are obviously quite competent with longer prose, writing shorter posts and shorter threads will make it easier to notice your own mistakes, and you'll get more feedback much faster. You can then take the advice you get and apply it to your next epic, which I will try to read more thoroughly.

Apologies again for my timing, and for not being able to get through the entire thread. I am quite busy between work, staff training, prepping for the AC, and my own day-to-day roleplay. If you'd like anything I said clarified further or have any questions, feel free to PM me. Based on what I've seen here, I would definitely be interested in writing with you some time in the future. Well done sir!

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

This I think is your strongest category. I was speaking about this in chat and this is something that I think is generally hard to teach because I don't know how to teach imagination personally. We all have varying ability to envision our stories as we write them. For some, it can be as in depth as smell, sound, ambiance, textures, visuals, details, etc. For others it would just be the main character, their blurred appearance, and a bland physical setting they can see. You have depth when it comes to having a complex story and getting it out, for the most part. Your setting has a lot there, but as you've heard from those before me, there's always room to tighten up the execution. I'd also say that at times it may serve you to take a step back from the depth you go into and trust the reader to fill in some of it. This is a fine line and various readers would disagree where that line is, but something to reflect on regarding where you find comfort in that.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

Admittedly this is another strong category for you and you go in depth in giving your characters (some at least) a vividness of behavior and personality. There are many moments where what they do, how they act, and what Ayithe is thinking make sense. However, there are also some scenes that, even if in character, really threw me off and made me want to drop this story. The first and most vivid emotional experience of this was the dream between Ayithe and Raslin. It just felt so. . . cliché . . . and I guess in a way embodying the gender dynamics that are so often presented in storytelling. It bothered me. This whole hissy-fit, mood swing, I don't know what I want, but thank you for loving me unconditionally and your loyalty and devotion to my crazy. I just rolled my eyes and groaned at that whole dream, and that might just be my own jaded resentment and pissy nature. If you're 25 years old and acting like an adolescent I'm going to walk away and let that person do some growing up.

Still, there were some moments that I really enjoyed visualizing. For example, I enjoyed the scene in the tavern near the start where they grabbed her wrist and she pulled out a blade. I liked the intro scene with the rain and her billowing useless cloak. I enjoyed mentioning the counting of steps for L'ven, though I genuinely feel she wouldn't do it out loud. Even moreso, it seems silly that Ayithe wouldn't deduce why someone who is blind would count steps. That seems like a pretty common sense item.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

Ok. Deep breath here. This is the category that I personally devote the most attention to, and it really hurt on this one. I'm 8 posts deep and have 39 screenshots in my phone here, almost entirely addressing mechanics or clarity. I will save them for a few weeks in case you read this and want some examples, and I will have them on hand for you. I'll have more as well, since I have more posts to read.

Homonyms and typos - in general there are times I feel like you use the wrong word. For example, reinforce instead of re-enforce. You wrote reknown instead of renown. Miss-deeds instead of misdeeds. Caste instead of cast. Your instead of You're. Heals instead of heels. Thought instead of though. Where instead of were. You broke up its self instead of itself. Their instead of they're. Intension instead of intention. Effect instead of affect.

Run-on sentences and fragments - I think that some of your sentences are strung together when they should be broken up, and at times you have sentences that are not complete sentences. As an example:

Out of Character:

The bald headed thug who had grabbed her last night hadn't forgotten their encounter; staring at her with the same angry brown eyes that appeared filled with hate and embarrassment.

The semi-colon should combine two complete sentences that are related. To my knowledge of English, the second half is not a sentence.

Pro-nouns - I think something like "No-Gloves" would be a pronoun as it's being used as a name in this case, and the hyphen should be there.

General clarity - with all due respect, I have a feeling some of this was written half conscious. I just wanna show a few examples and suggest you read them out loud:

Out of Character:

He blocked her path, ensuring his eyes met her own aqua blue as she tried to look away, they were red sore with emotion but calmed at his view.

Out of Character:

Raslin begged as he caught her up, skipping through the long reeds of grass and small plants.

Out of Character:

Ayithe stood by the boarding plank, Dohn and L'ven to her side, she pressed her boot into the plank to feel its sturdiness; she never trusted these things. Staring up at the tall mast as it reached into the cloudy sky like a tower for a mighty fortress, it felt intimidating as she hadn’t been adrift the land in some time. Why the bad weather seemed to hang over her lately also plagued her mind; was it a bad omen? She had tried not to think about it, especially now she was progressing forward and this band of merchants come mercenaries were her ticket through and past this storm and onto the clearer world ahead.

Wildcard

I will finish reading this and will change feedback accordingly, but I think you have such a great foundation of storytelling to build upon. I think the biggest areas of improvement are mechanics, clarity, and action. There were some things that just didn't fit. At one point you mentioned that L'ven blossomed back into the confident girl she first met, but that scene where she finds her in the rain, lost and disoriented, is anything but confident. In general, I strongly second Flames' comment regarding reading back your writing aloud or bribing someone to do it for you. I also second his suggestion of mercilessly pruning your writing to cut down on excess. It started to really become a struggle for me to keep going, which is why I'm posting this now in case I don't finish reading before the deadline. Given the size of this thread, having a bunch of potholes in the presentation make it really drag longer than it needs. I'd also strongly suggest trying to simplify language at times rather than being so vivid so often - it starts to lose some of its "oomph" for me.

I just wanted to say, thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my story and give feedback.

It is all greatly appreciated. :)

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow shortly.

Jethro receives 230 EXP, 50 GP and 2 AP!
Breaker receives 1955 EXP, 50 GP and 3 AP!
SirArtemis receives 1380 EXP, 50 GP and 4 AP!
Shinsou receives 1265 EXP, 50 GP and 3 AP!
Humphrey Noynton receives 230 EXP, 50 GP and 2 AP!
Storm Veritas receives 1725 EXP, 50 GP and 2 AP!
Lye receives 1265 EXP, 50 GP and 3 AP!
Glories of Myrmidion receives 460 EXP, 50 GP and 4 AP!

All rewards added!