101 Rules to Fantasy Writing.
This is something that Logopolis and I wrote for the fun of it. Everything and nothing is to be taken seriously; it's all done in jest, just something to read for amusement's sake.
1: You are not J.R.R. Tolkien.
2: If you play an elf, it must be a master at archery.
3: If you play a dwarf, it must be short, speak with a thick brogue, and carry an axe.
4: And live underground.
5: If you play a human, it must carry a sword, and either be a prince in hiding, or raised by a powerful mage
6: Your character does not have a believable history until his family has been murdered, leaving him an orphan.
7: If your family was not murdered, you were abandoned as a baby.
8: You might be J. K. Rowling, but without the dumb luck of getting published.
9: Unless your character is named Link, your sword does not shoot energy.
10: If your name is Link, you are to be shot for even wanting to roleplay a Legend of Zelda character.
11: Elves are better at everything. Always.
12: Orcs are green, goblins are green, and your vengeance is their blood on the green grass.
13: It is imperative to begin every story by entering a bar, sitting down next to a stranger, and say “May I join your quest?”
14: The only acceptable things to seek on a quest are chalices, magic swords, vengeance, and princesses.
15: You cannot cast a magic energy blast without both screaming the name of the attack, and waving your hands with as much flourish as you can muster.
16: If you only do one or the other, you will instead summon a magical taxi.
17: Royalty is not allowed to be ugly.
18: However, jesters and minions are required to be ugly.
19: The bigger a guard is, the stupider he is.
20: When describing colors, cycle through every word in the thesaurus, so matter how out of place it sounds.
21: Every rogue, pirate, or other dashing lawbreaker must be witty, ironic, cynical, and have the gorgeousness of Fabio and Johnny Depp combined.
22: Excluding that, it is perfectly acceptable to clone Han Solo.
23: Dragons.
24: Asians must be either samurai or ninjas.
25: For the ultimate villain, combine any of the following: Pirates, ninjas, ghosts, and robots.
26: Remember the basics of CQC.
27: If the villain did not kill your family, something is wrong with your story.
28: If you are royalty, there must be at least one person attempting to take over your kingdom.
29: And it must be someone that you trust, but is painfully obvious to everyone else that he’s plotting against you.
30: You must stole all the gold of their little team.
31: It takes a minimum of twelve arrows to kill a full-grown man, unless he is a trivial NPC.
32: Your Naruto-based character is indeed highly original. No one has ever thought of that before.
33: Every hero is capable of ten minutes worth of internal dialogue in the time it takes a sword to be swung at you.
34: Chuck Norris.
35: If elite guardsmen attack your hero, they must all enter the room in single file so as not to pose too much of a threat.
36: You do not need to see an attack to block it from behind your back.
37: Anyone with any kind of physical prowess must have only the bare minimum of intelligence required to lift a sword
38: Conversely, anyone in your story capable of thinking in a straight line must be unable to tie their shoelace without breaking 26 bones.
39: Arrows will never hit you unless it is required for your epic death sequence.
40: Mages are never young. They simply emerge from nothing fully formed as omnipotent septuagenarians.
41: Mages also don’t know how to hit people with swords.
42: If at all possible, be George R.R. Martin
43: Failing that, at least try to be Ursula K. Le Guin.
44: Do not be Christopher Paolini.
45: Microsoft Word’s spellcheck is never wrong.
46: If a spellbook is not several thousand years old, it is not authentic.
47: Dragons.
48: Ale.
49: Tight. Pants.
50: Swing one sword. REALLY FAST.
51: Women may only feature in fantasy literature in the form of tavern wenches, princesses, and femme fatales.
52: With the exception of flashbacks to your dead mother.
53: The above rules apply only to human characters. Dwarf females do not exist, whilst in the case of elves they constitute at least 70% of the population.
54: When in doubt, the mage always has the answer.
55: Elves can talk to trees, animals, ancient spirits, and the wind.
56: Dwarves are angry and drunk. No exceptions.
57: So far away, you wait for the day.
58: Every castle has secret passages.
59: Only the villains know where they are.
60: Unless the princess is really a tomboy seeking her own identity, and has to escape the castle to meet a charming rogue who does not care for rules.
61: Orcs always speak in cockney.
62: The problem of language is somehow never an issue to any of your main characters.
63: Bartenders and innkeepers know everything.
64: No party is complete without a human, an elf, and a dwarf.
65: There is no such thing as a hero being ‘between quests’.
66: Every major villain must have begun his career either as a close friend or trusted and brilliant lieutenant of the highest authority depicted in the story
67: Adding random ‘æ’ gives authenticity to your names.
68: Olde.
69: Sex is only implied, unless you’re a furry, in which case it is disgusting.
70: Elvish names are created by stringing a series of random open syllables together
71: Maps must always terminate in the sea to the west and the Unknown Lands in the east.
72: Mountains. Lots and lots of mountains.
73: With treasure!
74: Dragons.
75: Swords come in two designs. Big, and magic.
76: Any major religious order must be able to maintain and field ridiculously powerful warrior/mage hybrids.
77: And they must either be absolute evil, or the highest form of good.
78: No one suspects a priest.
79: Only priests and mages are allowed to wear robes.
80: If your woman is not waiting for your triumphant return, you must be on a quest to save her.
81: However, you are permitted to ravish as many women as possible on the way
82: Provided they are tavern wenches, princesses, or femme fatales.
83: Saving a woman’s life must be rewarded with either instantaneous marriage, or sex at the next inn.
84: Dwarves are comic relief. Always.
85: Elves must always look to be in their twenties, but must in fact be no younger than 187 years old.
86: The only humans allowed to be old are poor villagers, kings, and mages.
87: Your mage is not authentic unless he speaks every language spoken in the last ten thousand years.
88: Crossing silent seas, over mountains high, for you stand as one tonight.
89: Dragons.
90: Slaying a dragon is justification for any laws broken along the way.
91: All dragons must guard either a princess or an ancient treasure.
92: Despite all odds and massive numerical disadvantages, the heroic side can always win with the simple assassination of one leader.
93: The opposite is not, however, true.
94: Injuries do not slow down your hero, and do not need to be healed.
95: Your companions may only die if they are to be secretly brought back to life at a later time.
96: Say “No” to hobbits.
97: Psychotic vagabonds will always have valuable information, which you are too proud to listen to.
98: Quests are always epic.
99: All novels are part of a trilogy, even if said trilogy has more than 3 books.
100; Commas make all other punctuation obsolete.
101: Poetry is a surefire way to look like a skilled writer.
Appendices:
102: The second part of the trilogy doesn't have to be good, because people will know it's setting up the epic third installment.
103: The third installment doesn't have to be good, because everyone will buy it knowing it will be epic, and by then it's too late.
104: Everything has to have at least three appendices or it's not real fantasy.
The 101 Sequels to the 101 Rules to Fantasy Writing, Part II: Dragons!?
1: Every good fantasy contains a writer-created species/character that is simply described as a talking _____.
2: Aside from those, any creature is allowed to speak and be understood by others if it is an enchanted human, enchanted animal, or the listener is an elf.
3: Real men’s swords don’t get dull. Ever.
4: The only time it is permissible to sharpen your sword – even though you don’t need to – is when you want to strike up a conversation about said weapon.
5: If your dwarf doesn’t have an axe, he must have a hammer. If he doesn’t have a hammer, he’s not a dwarf, just a hairy midget.
6: It is highly recommended that you begin each chapter with a three page long English Sonnet about the deeds of your hero.
7: Characters may break into song and recite poetry at will, but only if they’re elves or bards.
8: If at all possible, do not include a bard in your party.
9: Fireballs may be warded by a properly raised arm, and have no noticeable effect on the defending hero.
10: In fact, fireballs have no noticeable effect on anything.
11: This is not Final Fantasy.
12: Adding ‘a’ and ‘ga’ do not make your basic spells more powerful/affect more people.
13: All characters named Aeris, Sephiroth, and Cloud will result in summary execution of the writer.
14: Dragons.
15: Elves will never run out of arrows, no matter how many they shoot.
16: Everyone loves a good Christian allegory!
17: No one loves a good Christian allegory.
18: Quoting Dragonforce lyrics is not only acceptable, but required.
19: Listening to power metal while writing is the only acceptable source of inspiration.
20: Although the first book you publish will be billed clearly as the opening volume in a trilogy, the projected release date for the second will not be for about two years.
21: It won't actually be released until five years after the first, by which point nobody will care.
22: There is no such thing as too many protagonists.
23: Mage councils come in sevens, twelves, fifteens, or eighteens. No other numbers are acceptable.
24: If your story includes vampires, they must all be sexually ambiguous, and at least one of them is obligated to fall in love with a human, sparking an epic romance which invariably results in at least one of them dying.
25: On second thoughts, don't include vampires in your story.
26: Since you're not J.R.R. Tolkien, at least try and be C.S. Lewis.
27. Don't be C.S. Lewis.
28: Remember: Forgotten Realms and the Dragonlance series are the pinnacle of human cultural achievement, and should be consulted for inspiration at all states of the writing process.
29: Wizards!
30: This is still not Final Fantasy.
31: It never will be. Put the improbably large sword DOWN and step AWAY from the ridiculous haircuts.
32: Plot is only a requirement when you cannot write convincing epic battle sequences.
33: Evil armies come in two sizes: four times the size of your army, and ten times the size of your army.
34: Despite lacking any working knowledge of the archaic English verb conjugation system, randomly employ any parts of it that you are aware of to make your work seem more authentic.
35: Passive voice is the only voice.
36: "Who" and "whom" are exactly the same in meaning and grammatical function, but "whom" is more elite. Use wherever possible.
37: Your army comes in 100s, the enemy's army comes in 10000s.
38: If you are not surrounded by enemies, it is not epic enough.
39: No matter how often you lead the charge, everyone else around you will die, but you will not.
40: Ale comes in pitchers and flagons, and aside from Miruvour and stream water it is the only liquid characters of any species in fantasy literature are capable of metabolising.
41: Chase scenes on horses are fresh and exciting.
42: It is considered an acceptable defence against enemy advance to fire one salvo of arrows, and then blindly charge at them without any kind of coherent formation.
43: Chase scenes on dragons are guaranteed to make critics raise your score by at least one point out of ten.
44: No battle may begin until you have finished your heroic speech.
45: No heroic speech may begin until an exhaustive description of your enemy's numbers and ferocity has been given, and your troops are depicted as suitably afraid.
46: If the evil leader of the opposing army is present, you are the only one able to kill him, no matter how many thousands of soldiers there are between you.
47: Dragons.
48: Every soldier fighting on your side is still willing to fight against 20 to 1 odds, so long as you are present.
49: Formation is entirely optional. Your hero may be in the middle of a unit of spearmen, but can leave it at any point in order to engage on a one on one fight with an enemy champion.
50: Dark Lords are functionally indistinguishable from their minions aside from a different coloured suit of armour, and a more ornate helmet.
51: With the exception of being at minimum twice the size.
52: This is now Final Fantasy.
53: Wait, no, sorry, nevermind. It is still not Final Fantasy.
54: Magic is never explained, and its fundamental laws (if there are any) may be broken at any time in order to prove the power of a given main character.
55: If your mage carries a staff, it is a given fact that he is innately better at magic than anyone else present.
56: Evil Strongholds come in two forms: Dark Towers and Doom Fortresses.
57: They may only exist in the most barren, inhospitable of lands.
58: There is no such thing as a field of crops in their entire territory.
59: Or water.
60: With the exception of a moat.
61: Despite the terrible agricultural policies and inability of the Dark Lord to stop those in his employ from randomly attacking the population, no attempt at coup or even token resistance will ever be made by anyone in his territory
62: Which must contain some form of mutant sea beast.
63: Which is inevitably fed by servants who made a mistake at one point in their career.
64: You are the chosen one.
65: Failing that, you are the Legendary Hero as Promised in the Tales of Old.
66: The Tales of Old, whilst often obliquely referred to, are never explained in specific terms.
67: Unless you happen to be JRR Tolkien
68: Which you aren’t.
69: If there are no prophecies of your birth, you lack proper credentials to save the kingdom.
70: If you lack proper credentials, try a life as a dashing rogue.
71: All such rogues must hide an idealistic heart beneath their rough exteriors.
72: Dashing rogues must all sport at least one highly visible non debilitating injury.
73: If you don't have a magical sword of your own, then there's one in that abandoned fortress crawling with monsters.
74: Failing that, I'm sure the local dragon has one.
75: At a stretch, you can probably borrow one from the King.
76: Dragons.
77: Elves.
78: With pointy ears.
79: No jutsu.
80: Real heroes don’t need armor.
81: Unless it is enchanted.
82: Or a gift from a dead parent/sibling/wife/girlfriend/tavern wench.
83: Elves are always mawkishly virtuous.
84: And albino.
85: Unless they’re evil.
86: If they're designated Dark Elves, they are extravagantly malevolent and prone to genocidal tendencies to rival Joseph Stalin, and have black skin, which unaccountably offers no protection against sunlight, to which they are highly averse.
87: It isn’t genocide if you’re killing orcs.
88: No mountain is complete without a complimentary troll.
89: All prophets must be at least two thousand years old.
90: They also must instantly recognize that you are the one they prophesied about.
91: Especially if you are an orphan.
92: Dwarves will always have axes to throw, no matter that they never retrieve the ones that they threw previously.
93: All dwarves are either red or grey haired.
94: Their battle axe must be as tall as they are.
95: If you can distinguish any facial features past the beard, they are not dwarves.
96: Your albino hero will never sunburn, no matter if he spent his childhood in caves, and then quests across a barren desert.
97: Your mentor knew your father.
98: Your mentor will also be entirely useless in every fight, on the grounds of letting you learn for yourself.
99: Celtic is always good.
100: Dragons.
101: Dragons will always be the oldest creatures still alive at the time of your hero.
Appendices:
102: Your fantasy world need not be more than roughly two miles across, and will be inhabited exclusively by heavily accented immigrants from the northern germanic kingdoms and every conceivable part of the british isles.
103: Dragons know everything, and can shapeshift into human form.
104: However, you cannot steal the treasure in their cave while the dragon is away.
The 101 Sequels to the 101 Sequels to the 101 Rules to Fantasy Writing, Part III: WIZARDS!?
1: You should always keep something hidden up your wizard sleeve.
2: No one in your party will ever need to take care of ‘business’.
3: Heroes may only eat at inns.
4: Unless they have hunted the meat themselves
5: Power metal is inspirational, Finnish power metal results in classics of your time.
6: The only ones allowed to be called Guardians are dragons, ancient knights, and even ancient…er…mages.
7: Any female characters must fit the following personality archetype:
8: A rebellious tomboy who was smothered by her overprotective father.
9: Helpless princess carrying a “Rescue me” sign.
10: Flirtatious, independent, and jovial.
11: Dangerous and utterly lacking a sense of humor.
12: Your main character's ancestor was either a god, a wizard, a dragon, or a legendary hero.
13: YOUR STRENGTH IS AS THE STRENGTH OF TEN, BECAUSE YOUR HEART IS PURE
14: Bathing is for women.
15: It is only acceptable for a woman to disguise herself as a man, NEVER the other way around.
16: However, when a man, however masculine he may be, DOES have to disguise himself as a woman, he will instantly become irresistibly attractive to any and all evil guardsmen.
17: If it isn’t for glory, it’s for honor.
18: If it isn’t for honor, it’s for vengeance.
19: If it isn’t for vengeance, it’s for romance.
20: If it isn’t for any of the above, it’s not Fantasy.
21: Fantasy is never final.
22: There is no such thing as artistic restraint.
23: Unrelated adjectives such as “silver” and “liquid” may be used to make even the most mundane of actions sound epic.
24: Dark Elves are all called Drizzle. Nobody is quite certain why this is.
25: Ordinary rocks may turn out to be sleeping golems at any time, with no prior reason or warning.
26: Pets may be wolves, hawks, or snakes (if evil).
27: Unless you are a pirate, in which case a parrot is required to prove your authenticity.
28: No pirate has two functional eyes, or four functional limbs.
29: Dragons.
30: Anyone remotely middle eastern must carry a scimitar of equal length and weight to their own torso.
31: And they must be referred to as Sheik, regardless of background.
32: In a fantasy world, everything steel is good,.
33: Thus, everything that is good must be compared to steel.
34: See men of war for further details.
35: Leather armor/clothes come in two varieties: Tight black, and really tight black.
36: If your sword is dry at the end of a battle, something went wrong.
37: However, it cannot have any visible bloodstains on it.
38: The Narrative Shield which protects your characters from harm is only ever lowered long enough for a single wound to be inflicted.
39: It is almost invariably fatal.
40: If your hero dies, there will always be reason for an elf or priest to wander by in the next scene and bring him back to life.
41: “Light” is a blanket term for all things good and holy.
42: "Dark" applies in the opposite sense.
43: Twilight is only used to describe the setting of the epic final duel between the hero and villain.
44: You are only allowed to embark on your quest with a maximum of three people.
45: All other party members must be found along the way, despite their lack of a reason to join you.
46: Before you embark on a quest, be sure to put on your robe and wizard hat.
47: Likewise, there must be at least three crying women as your hero dons has armor before leaving.
48: Demons always have at least two horns.
49: Horses can run for eight days straight before needing to stop for food, water, or rest.
50: Likewise, your hero will never be saddle sore, even after eight days of straight riding.
51: Mountains are either populated by dwarves or giants, and always by dragons.
52: But dragons are only found at the very peak.
53: The following are always good: Elves, dwarves.
54: The following are always evil: Orcs, demons, giants.
55: The following can be either: Dragons, humans.
56: You are not a Fantasy writer until you have invented your own variation of orcs.
57: The following are acceptable half-breeds: Human/elf, human/demon, human/dragon, dark elf/demon, elf/dragon.
58: Dwarves are not acceptable in any half-breed form. Ever.
59: The racial makeup of all evil creatures is interchangeable.
60: Dragons.
61: The logistics of human/dragon sexual relations are something which the true fantasy writer will stubbornly refuse to reveal.
62: All human half-breeds live to be no less than seven times the normal human age.
63: Personality conflicts are required for all human/demon half-breeds.
64: Humans always have the shortest life expectancy of any sentient species.
65: Unless they are Aragorn.
66: Which they are not, because you are not Tolkien.
67: Your hero is not allowed to remember his childhood, except in random flashbacks that he has no control over.
68: He is not allowed to save any princesses or slay any dragons until he regains his memory, unless said dragon holds the key to remembering.
69: Wizards!
70: Through the fire and the flames, you carry on.
71: Only blacksmiths are allowed to have a tan.
72: Your hero must have long, flowing hair.
73: It may or may not be blond.
74: If it is not blond, it must be dark.
75: It cannot be silver, this is not Final Fantasy.
76: Nor can it be green, blue, or purple, as this is not Bleach or Naruto.
77: Likewise, ninjas are not allowed to wear dayglo orange jumpsuits. No jutsu.
78: Only villains may be bald, in which case they must be identical in appearance to Ming the Merciless from the Flash Gordon series.
79: Villains wear capes, elves wear cloaks.
80: Despite a penchant for wearing metal shoes, your hero will never get a blister, no matter how many fields and deserts he runs through.
81: Elven clothing, despite being made ostensibly of old dishcloths, is the strongest armour known to science.
82: With the exception of dragonscale, which is the hardest metal known to man.
83: If a sword made of dragonscale hit a shield made of diamond, the shield would break.
84: AND IT WOULD BE AWESOME.
85: Your hero must make at least one journey through the valley of the damned a year.
86: Not to be confused with the mandatory walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
87: Or the casual stroll through the valley of fire and ice.
88: Despite common sense saying otherwise, fire and ice obviously coexist quite comfortably.
89: Incidentally, the only people permitted to enter the Valley of the Damned are warriors with sword in hand traveling fast across the land for freedom.
90: The only season in which decisive battles may take place is winter.
91: It is always winter.
92: And it's usually either the morning or the night.
93: It is not considered an epic battle unless it takes place during the only thunderstorm to take place that year.
94: Flaming arrows are invariably more epic than regular arrows, and should be used whenever possible.
95: The only thing epic enough to compare the flashing of your hero's blades to is the righteous flame of the gods.
96: If the gods are not watching, it is not epic enough.
97: If it's a siege, it's only epic if the attack is only broken at the last possible minute.
98: The only time a city is allowed to be overrun is when reinforcements arrive moments later to reclaim it.
99: "Master" is only an acceptable title for a mage, unless the individual in question is evil.
100: The biggest spells can only be cast by spreading your arms out as far as they will go, and screaming the incantation at the sky.
101: GLORIOUS, YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.
Appendices:
102: A convincing fictional language can be created by randomly slapping your keyboard.
103: When in doubt, a healthy dose of apostrophes add authenticity to said fictional language.
104: Prior to the start of your hero's Epic Quest, the audience should be expected to think the universe didn't exist. Backstory is therefore optional (unless you are J.R.R. Tolkien, which you aren't, see rule 66).
The 101 Prequels to the 101 Sequels to the 101 Sequels to the 101 Rules to Fantasy Writing, Part IV: NOT TOLKIEN!?
1: When unable to think of a new character name, take the name of an existing character and transpose random letters.
2: Similes and metaphors can add a thousand new layers of texture and meaning to your writing.
3: You should therefore pick two you like, and use them in every sentence you write from now on.
4: The bad guys will always have the cooler magic.
5: They'll also have the better weaponry.
6: Unfortunately, they'll also lack any kind of training or ability to think logically, and will thus fall before your advance like adolescent males before a costumed playmate.
7: Learn as many different fighting styles as possible, so that you can feel superior by ignoring all of them.
8: Dragons.
9: There is no need to reference any of your hero’s skills until the time when they are needed to overcome an obstacle.
10: Unless you are J.K. Rowling, in which case you may reference any obscure point within the last six books to justify your hero’s actions.
11: Don’t be J.K. Rowling.
12: You are only allowed to write your epic in a coffee shop, where everyone can see your genius at work.
13: When facing writers block, recycle a biblical story. Not like anyone’s read the bible to know.
14: Jesuslion.
15: All torture sessions involving the hero and the villain must be thinly veiled bondage fantasies.
16: Plots come in two types: completely bald or so intricate a flowchart must be provided.
17: No one will ever see it coming when the death of your character turns out to be a terrible dream.
18: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good fireball at your side.
19: Every hero is capable of predicting the actions of his enemy in a fight, unless the enemy is a: his father, b: his trusted friend turned traitor.
20: The longer the paragraph, the more epic it is.
21: Science Fiction is fantasy for the kids that weren’t even cool enough to roll with the Dungeons and Dragons crowd.
22: The phrase "military intelligence" is a contradiction in terms. For this reason, the enemy army will ALWAYS be surprised by the most simple of flanking tactics.
23: Likewise, they will not see the ten thousand soldiers marching up behind them while invading a city.
24: Your audience will never grow tired of your hero escaping impossible odds every six pages.
25: Always remember: Burn down the VILLAGE, carry off the WENCHES. Not the other way round.
26: Pirate wenches have the best booty.
27: The only good mage is an Archmage. Make sure your mage becomes one as soon as possible.
28: Likewise, the only good enemy is an Arch Enemy. Make sure your hero gets one as soon as possible.
29: Dark Lords should be defeated, but never killed. This leaves the door open for a new trilogy.
30: If they are killed, they should have a son or ambitious right hand man to succeed them.
31: When all possible sequels have been exhausted, it’s time to unveil the poorly-thought out prequel.
32: There is no storyline more original than a man seeking to avenge is father.
33: There are only two plot elements needed for a successful fantasy storyline: Revenge, and Revenge.
34: If one of your characters is not the Last Scion of a Dying Race, he must be the Firstborn Son of a New People.
35: No party is complete unless two or more of your companions utterly despise each other at the beginning of the story.
36: No matter how many enemies surround the hero, only one enemy is allowed to strike at a time.
37: No matter how far underground/within a mountain you are, it will always be light enough to see.
38: You should split up to find a way through the catacombs.
39: FanFics are not, and never will be, fantasy.
40: If your mage is not epic enough, make it half-dragon.
41: The more evil you are, the less you like sunlight.
42: Ironically, the more evil you are, the more you like fire.
43: If all else fails, copy Lord of the Rings.
44: You still are not J.R.R. Tolkien, so don’t fail.
45: If you fail at not failing, chant Dragonforce lyrics while having someone lash you with a whip made of leather and LOTR replica swords, then try again.
46: The more memorabilia you own, the better a writer you are.
47: The more you refer to the film versions of fantasy novels, the more you fail as a writer.
48: However, the more you borrow their fight choreography, the larger your readership will be.
101: Leave huge portions of your manuscript out, so that you can release it in small portions at full price and make more money.
Appendices:
