Purple prose is purple. Kially's intro made my head spin for a second. It's probably a mark of all my time on The Internets that I see his post and think, “Somebody call the party van. For the love of god, SOMEBODY GET ME CHRIS HANSEN!” Happy happy happy happy...happy...
Frequent Problem #332 in 90% of RPs: Both people try to play at once without having a clear starting point. A better intro would be Fitz soloing for about two posts to build the scenery et al, then bring in Kially instead of having their meeting get...I don't know. Lost somewhere. You guys are a bit wordy and I'm a bit stupid from having spent the last couple hours mugging a Spanish language course with a half-brick. Lo siento. It would help if you two had collaborated more: Since Fitz is using first person and Kially third, Fitz should be the viewpoint character and maybe Kially should be the one tasked with scenery. Or something. It's hard for me to explain, but perfectly doable. Maybe both of you could post the same situation from differing viewpoint: Fitz's first for a limited, detailed view, and then Kially's for something broader and less (alternately more) detailed.
Really, the lack of cooperation and forethought is going to hurt you. This thread would make a good model for showing the division between roleplay and co-op writing. Don't be afraid of certainty, of bunnying, and of simple wording!
(Incidentally: Spoken sentence structure's a bit poor. And Kially focuses way, way too much on his character's Perfect Childlike Innocence And Purity, which just makes me want to scream for the /co/ps before the /b/astards get here. I've been lodged in the asshole of the internet for way too long...)
...and some time later, Kially finally loses me with a post dedicated to a seven year old taking a leak in the rain. I have no words for this. D:
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