The Fear That Binds Us (Solo)
(OOC: You can look- don't touch.)
It was quiet, like a very long calm that he had been expecting for a while. The sky, darkened and dreary, seemed as if it could make even the firmest of mountains shake- and as such, the scribe's weak legs were but an afterthought. Everything around him seemed corrupt, dark, and vile. Rocks protruded from the ground as opposed to flowers, and there was no grass in sight. Only ash and soot. Cracks twisted and weaved their way in all directions, acting as deceitful arrows in which a traveler should follow. No, they were no signs, just the wrinkles of an aged earth that had matured too long ago.
And there he stood, one man amongst thousands of demons. He stuck out more plainly than a drunk in a group of the upper class. For that was how he felt- all those around him spoke of subjects which he had no idea. The Crimson Crusade's trade routes, Hawkthrust and his dark plots to launch a military campaign; even the most simple of subjects to these demons were completely foreign to Taliel. He knew nothing about the dreamfont weed, or the sickle spice. It was overwhelming as well as frightening. The darkest of fears had crept into the spell scribe's heart.
He had not chosen this place. He would have chose Salvar or Corone, even his old buff of Raiaera. But not Haidia. Not in one hundred years of study, preparation, and courage would he have chosen this dark, desolate wasteland of despair. But that is not always the way of things. Sometimes, the most life-changing experiences are ones we do not expect. Taliel was about to take part in one of these experiences, one that would shake the very fabric of the pillars which he had built his life upon.
The scribe new this day would come. It had been long preached to him by the scholars at Istien, and he had grown used to, even comfortable with, their foreseeing of him traveling to a dark land. They called it a quest for glory, one that would allow his name to be etched in stone for all eternity. This was a lie, thought Taliel. He had known the wizards of his old school to be bold with their teachings, but this simply seemed too farfetched. And even more so, now that he had entered the forbidden realm. No, this was no quest for glory. This was a disturbing test, one that the mages had set him upon so that he may feel a deep, brooding pain. His face grew red with anger, but he knew that there was no turning back.
He had traveled far from Istien University, and he knew that if he returned empty handed, his punishment would be expulsion. That was not something Taliel could live with, not after the countless months of studying he had put into his craft.
"This...this is so dumb!" he whispered to himself, staring across the vast, barren desert that lay before him. He had left the thousands of demons behind, for they would only interfere with his training. "I know nothing of what they want of me...oh for Heaven's sake...what do I do!?" he cried helplessly, staring at the dark, brooding sky. It let out a quiet roll of thunder, as if it were laughing at his despair. Annoyed with this psuedo-response, Taliel kicked the ash out from under him and began to walk. He fingered the hilt of his rapier uneasily, doing his best to avoid staring ahead at the distance that lay in front of him.
"Go to the Demon Homeland, they said...find yourself they said. What, in Althanas, could that mean? I am not some poet who speaks in riddles like they do. This is hopeless." Each passing moment only seemed to make him realize how hopeless the situation was. Did they wish for him to travel until he had an epiphany? Did they want him to meditate at some great alter? "The least they could have done was given me some extra provisions or something...I mean, these won't last me but a few days!"
And so the scribe trudged on, fear gripping his heart so tightly that it made everything around him appear much, much darker.
Judgement for The Fear That Binds Us...
Overall:
You did good here kid. I mean Eric, you have a lot of talent, and it seems your time away from Althanas hasn't let you build up too much rust, but it is there. Sometimes you seemed to repeat yourself needlessly and the story didn't flow quite so well. However, for what you gave it was a good honest effort. Hopefully you'll oil up and be ready in no time. Understand I'm not saying these things to basically laugh and point holes, I know you're a good writer, so I'm giving my beliefs on what can make you better.
Onto the judging!
Introduction: 5 I can't say anything good or bad about this introduction. It introduced the reader to the situation at hand. However, the problem comes in the fact you didn't really grab me. Sometimes its okay for a short quest, however other times, it just doesn't work out as well. This seemed to just drag on, all I really got was this was the last place he wanted to be, but otherwise, didn't make me care much for the decision to be there. Especially since I had no clue what he was looking for.
Setting: 6 You described the setting, and at times it was used, but otherwise, I cannot say Setting was important. Even the sandstorm seemed a bit unimposing. While it did lead you to the tower, it really was more of a plot device than anything.
Also, I find it rather unrealistic that muttering all these things on the edge of the deserts of Haidia around demons didn't merit one glance or muttered words about our traveling Spell scribe. Don't forget Setting is also the culture.
Strategy: 3 This is where the thread begins to take a dive, you really had nothing inspiring for strategy. Everything seemed formulaic. He was caught in a sandstorm and so he ran, he got caught. He was approached by this scary man covered in tattoos, and he ran and got caught. He flailed and put him off guard, and beat him by using his own trick against him.
The strategy was a bit forced at times, like for instance the ability to flesh scribe coming just form hearing him talk? I would imagine it'd take more than just that. Perhaps if he was locked up over a few days and had time to experiment I could say its believable. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but the time frames seemed off to me.
Writing Style: 4 I could see you were going for something, and you just didn't hit it right is all. You had it set up, you were writing with devices, the whole nine yards, but ultimately you got hurt by a few problems. The first was you tended to put up fragments. Sometimes you'd say something and leave me hanging for instance;
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliel Escabre
And even more so, now that he had entered the forbidden realm.
What? You never finished the thought and that kind of thing drive me nuts so you know. Read over things out loud, sometimes your mind makes sense of things reading aloud can catch.
The other is something I seem to see frequently on the site, and that’s just the minor typos even word doesn't catch, calling pain main and the like. Just read your stuff out loud, and both problems should go away. It’s something I'm trying to work on, and I think it’s producing better results so far.
Rising Action: 3 Sorry man, I just felt no tension rising. Even the fight against our tattooed adversary was a bit flat. I had no sense of tension anywhere, and that’s what hurt you here. Had I real reason to believe that Taliel might have been in danger of kicking that bucket for a field goal, I would have worried a lot more. Perhaps it was the rushed feeling I was getting, as the pace was pretty fast, don't be afraid to take time and explain what’s going on.
Dialogue: 5 This was really middle road here. Some of the dialogue was predictable, and that might have hurt here. Think about what you say and think about how you say it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliel Escabre
"So this is what they send to vanquish me. A cowardly scribe, unable to even accept his own fear. I will crush you Taliel Escabre. You do not realize the measure of my power, and soon you will go insane. They all do. You know nothing of the task that has been set before your, nor the number of students from your damned school that have failed in the past. You will parish, like all who came before you!"
That was one speech the villain gave, if I may be so bold;
Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
"So this is who they sent to defeat me? A spell scribe enslaved to his own fear? You'll end up just like everyone else they sent, insane, broken, and dead. You don't even know anything about me, or this place, do you? You are just another pathetic pawn in this game between me and that wretched school. You're but another step on my path of conquest."
Similar meanings, but different prose. The effect is a bit more natural, a little less B movie villain.
Character: 6 You stayed true to character, that I must give you credit on. You did a good job on giving me a sense of Taliel, even if he spent most of the thread battered and half dead.
Climax: 3 Climax here suffered from the lack of Rising action. The defeat of Demetrios was not built up to, and unfortunately that’s what hurt you. Again taking your time and describing things will help you here. Length for the sake of Length is frowned upon, but Brevity can also kill if leaned upon too much.
Conclusion: 5 I must say that you gave a good effort at wrapping things up, and as someone who just spent a week or so just wandering the desert it worked. What hurt here was the amount of time you pushed all the events leading ont eh way here. From the scribing of the teleportation spell to the end it was one huge jumble.
Wildcard: 7 I hit you pretty hard on the numbers, so I want to reiterate here that I know you're a good writer, just gotta shake off the rust. I think you had a good idea here, and I want you to know I recognized that.
And the verdict is…..
47!
Spoils:
Taliel receives the ability to Flesh Scribe. As stipulated the scribing is not permanent, and he must learn the symbols of flesh scribing from a master of this decidedly dark art. A scribed spell may be used for up to three threads before it heals away.
Taliel Escabre gets 985 EXP and 150 GP!
Any EXP rewards given are based off of the new equation. Any questions regarding what was said can be addressed to me via PM or AIM SethDahlios.