Pig On A Stick (Open)

“Damn so, what you're saying is, if I beat some swivver up in this Dansdel shit, I get a whole fikin' pig?”

“Yes sir, that is what I said, sir. That is the prize.”

“Fike! I'll bust that swivva ass up right now! Ain't none of them swivvas can fike with me!”

The bureaucrat behind the counter sighed and brushed a speck of dust off the golden hem of his robe. After several years of organizing registration for the fight-league known as the Dansdel, he'd become used to dealing with ruffians—even a few real “swivvers,” as this man might call them—but never one quite as foul-smelling as this. Nor as foul-looking. Dreadlocks made from congealed dirt hung from the rogue's head. Brown tatters of cloth barely covered his tall frame. Dirt blackened the spaces under his fingernails and in between his teeth. The bureaucrat twisted his head and surveyed the trail of mud the fighter had spread all over the priceless hand-woven rug. He sighed again. “I'm afraid I cannot allow you to register,” he said.

“What? Swivva, you don't even fike with me. I ain't a motherfikin' joke. You know who you're talking to? I'm the fikin' Pork, swivva.” The ruffian coughed and hocked up a glob of green mucus onto the carpet.

The druids congregating in the hall fell silent and began to stare. The bureaucrat coughed the cough of a general about to charge into war and smiled like an icicle. He, Lageon Lief'lemnelthior Llamados, son of Glaerben Smellthedien Llamados, son of Aendaer...(and so on,) did not need to put up with this pig shit. “Sir,” he said. “I would allow you to register as a warrior, sir, but I'm afraid registration requires that you be able to read and write.” There! The dagger in the heart, the final blow, the coup de grace, and he could finally be rid of–

“Oh, that's not a problem at all,” the ruffian said. He winked. “Can I have the form, please?”

The bureaucrat flinched. He pulled the registration form from beneath the deck with trembling hands and placed it into the fighter's dirty sausages. Aghast, he watched as the man picked up a quill pen and filled the forms out with flawless penmanship. For a minute, the quill's scratching made the only noise in the room. Dust motes have made more noise than Lageon Llamados in those moments.

When handed back, the form read as thus:
Name: Gapelmir Lossëhelin
Age: Twentie Four, I Thinke
Race: Elfe
Occupation: Traveleing Adventureur
---Ande Whenfe you Cooke my Pryze Hoge I desire Stronglie that it be Cooked not Qwyte thorowlie; so that in the Meat the color Bloode Red maye still be Scene. Thanke You---

After reading this, the bureaucrat druid's face took on a glazed, slightly shell-shocked expression. “Druid Tharduar?” he called.

A druid in brown robes walked up to the desk and Lageon handed him the note. He read the mysterious scrap. The ruffian known as Gap grinned at both of them and whistled between his teeth. The druid stared at the note for a good half a minute, then stared at Gap for quite a bit longer than that, and then seemed to resolve himself to his fate.

“Congratulations,” he said weakly. His eyes went to Gap's feet, where two blocks of wood tied with string failed to hide his yellowing toenails. He could see every color of the rainbow in Gap's toenails. His eyes took on the same glazed look as the bureaucrat's. “You're now an official warrior in the, er, prestigious Dansdel league. I'll show you to your arena.”

“Yeah!” Gap shouted. He raised a fist in the air—an action which released a putrid pocket of air from beneath his arm. “I'm a fikin' one man army! I'll take all these swivvas out right now, today!”

The door to the registrations office opened without a sound, the only indication that someone had entered the building at all was the wind the followed the agape door behind the one who entered. Larcius strode to the counter, his crimson eyes fixing on the gentleman behind the counter who had just happened to look up. An almost startled look on his face gave hint that he hadn’t known anyone had even entered.

“I would like to compete, if you’d be so kind.” The soft voice spoke, parting his rose lips for just a moment.

The gentleman behind the counter nodded lightly and fumbled for a form beneath the hard oak counter. “H…Here you are sir, you will competing against our latest registration.”
Larcius took a deep breath, although un-needed, it was the slight mimic that he kept with him for old time sake. His dark eyes looked down the paper and then back up to the gentleman. The man looked dressed well enough to be running the place, although Larcius knew better to suspect that.

“Sir, you are aware of the winning in this match, corre-“ The gentleman was cut off by Larcius’s hand that reached up to silence him.

“Of course, the usual compensation for a match of the type.” He didn’t even bother to look up at the clerk when he spoke.

The gentleman looked at him with a soft smile, almost a laugh, but didn’t correct Larcius. He knew the man was mistaken, but the rude cut off was enough for him to bite his tongue and let the man fight for the reward of…a pig. Larcius lowered his hand, placing the pen on the paper and quickly filling out the form, turning it around and sliding it across the counter. Without realizing it, he took a breath and smelled something…foul. His nose ruffled once, and he completely discarded the smell as a random smell of a human. His strawberry blonde hair shagged down the sides of his face as he meant to look up, his ivory hands reached up to moved them aside so that he could look the gentleman right in the eye.

“Where do I begin?” Larcius said with a faint grin.

“Right this way to the arena, sir.” Said the man, smiling back with a ‘Shit eating grin’, as one would call it.

“Why in hell are you smiling so broadly?” the Druid Tharduar asked.

Gap just grinned wider and exposed several more half-rotten and grimy chompers. “This, my swivva, is what I like to call a 'pig-eating grin.'”

“I don't think that's even a real expression,” the druid mumbled. Gap had to restrain himself from laughing. The entire situation up at the registration desk had tickled his funnybone, and now this druid's discomfort continued to amuse him. Buncha fiking hypocrites, that's what they were. The sort to act all spiritual and holy and then deck themselves out in fancy robes and posh perfumes. Shit.

For a few minutes, the two walked along and Gap watched as the druid's expression struggled between curiosity and disgust. Eventually curiosity won out and he spat out a chain of questions. “Who are you?” and “Why are you fighting here?” and “You do know that murder is against the rules, right?”

“Shit, I ain't come here to murder some swivva, just to knock him around. 'Cause it's fun and I'm hungry as a pregnant momma and there's nowhere else I'm gonna find a free pig tonight. And I'm fikin' Gap the Pig, my swivva, I already filled out your dinky little paper to show you that. To answer your questions bass-ackwards, as they do say.”

The druid digested this for a minute and then asked what he actually wanted to know. “Are you really an elf?”

Gap pulled aside his dreadlocks and revealed a long pointy ear. The druid's eyebrows raised. “What?” Gap said. “You think every elf's some prissy swivva like that guy at the desk?”

“No, but—”

“That guy wouldn't last two minutes outside. Plus, flittin' about in gold robes like an asshole? Come on. You seen how poor people are around here? There's moms that can't feed their babies and that swivva's writing on a fikin' mahogany desk. Shit.”

The druid said nothing at all, but looked thoughtful.

A few turns through hallways and Gap found himself breathing fresh outside air. The thin mahogany corridors opened up into a small courtyard lit by torches. High cobblestone walls kept the entire area in shade. He could see the last purples of a dying sunset in the sky above.

“Hey, this ain't the normal arena, is it?” Gap said. Only about twenty square feet to maneuver in, if that. Plain dirt lay underfoot—no garden could grow in such a dark area, no doubt. He wondered why they'd even made such a yard.

The druid shook his head and smiled at Gap for the first time. “The special needs of your opponent required something a bit more secluded,” he said. “I'll be standing at the doorway for the rest of the time. You go ahead and prepare yourself.

Gap spat on the dirt and laughed. “Fiked if I give a shit. Bring that swivver on in.” He walked to the opposite side of the courtyard and faced the doorway. He pulled his wooden sword from his belt and picked his nose as he waited. He didn't have to wait long. After only a minute, another druid and a small, blonde, but muscular looking man entered the doorway to the courtyard. His opponent.

“Well ain't you a pretty little thing,” Gap said.

“Your opponent is a little less then…charming,” said the gentleman escorting him, “but I wouldn’t let your guard down. If his blade is anywhere as sharp as his tongue, you’ll have a problem.”
Larcius let a grin touch his lips as he paced down the hall behind the clerk, his eyes following the wooden walls with a calm focus. He hadn’t fought anything challenging in a while. His world was nothing but humans, far weaker than most of the animals they fed on. But this seemed to be a much more interesting situation. Something he would enjoy to be sure.
“We have placed you in a special arena to fight your opponent, seeing as what you are.” Said the clerk with little knowledge of the effects his words would have. Larcius glared a hole into the man’s back, but made no such move to stop him from speaking. Clasping his hands behind his back, Larcius let himself calm before he made his way to the opening of the Arena.
“I suppose that is where the foul smell originated…” He said, keeping himself from breathing in for the moment. His eyes narrowed as he looked over the odd looking person already standing in the Arena. The man didn’t look as if he had bathed in ages, and the smell was multiplied by the enclosed area. Needless to say, Larcius thought the smell alone could have won him the battle. But unlike others, Larcius had the option keep from breathing.
Larcius stood at the entry way to the arena, his eyes moving over the high walls that would keep them both incased In this small area until a victor came to be. For not knowing the race of the man, Larcius seemed rather calm about the enire situation. His eyes seemed more concentrated on the arena then his opponent. Especially focused on the evading sun above their heads.
After a moment of looking over what he had to deal with, Larcius took a step out onto the arena. Knowing now that he had fully entered the arena competition with no way out besides a victory…there was no other option. His dark figure was a little more than unsettling for some, and the hand-and-half blade sheathed across his mid-back would remain from sight. His dark shirt did little to keep him hidden in the shadow of the darkness, for his ivory skill was by far less concealing.
He stood, not but ten feet from his opponent with a very calm expression. But his lips curled into a smile as he thought of a crude remark to toss for the start of all things to come.
“If I win…will you promise to bath more often?”

Quote:

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Any bunnying in this thread by either party has been discussed and approved over PM, so don't worry about it y'all. Now back to the album.

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Dammit, what was with people and telling him to take a bath? If he had a penny for every time someone had said that he'd have fikin'...a lot of fikin' pennies, that's what. Like forty. The druids both sniggered but Gap didn't get it. He raised his arm and sniffed under his armpit. Nope, nothing. Then again, he didn't smell much of anything these days it seemed...

Oh well. He tossed his sword between his right and left hands a few times and sized up his enemy. Staged battles always start awkward. All the nonsense about who will strike first and ettiquette about introducing yourself and whatnot—Gap really just didn't give a shit. He didn't care about his opponent's name, and he didn't care if his opponent knew his. All he cared about was his growling stomach and the enemy in front of him.

The man before him's skin glowed an unhealthy pale color, and he looked calm as a tundra. Dark cloth swaddled the man but failed to conceal his bright red eyes. The temperature in the courtyard dropped a good ten degrees and something in Gap's animal heart made him shiver. The druids, previously snickering and aloof, looked uneasy once more.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but not the pig. Gap wasted no time wondering what the crimson eyes of the dark figure before him meant. He rolled up his sleeves like a musician about to conduct and pounced with the random ferocity of an alley cat.

The dark man darted out of the way and Gap's sword bit the dirt. He whirled around and saw the dark man lounging in the opposite corner of the courtyard. Not one to learn from experience, e grunted and sprung forward again, thrusting his sword before him like a huge wooden tusk. Once again, however, the dark man dodged out of the way with no effort and Gap almost charged right into the wall. He stumbled and recovered just in time to turn back around and see the dark man smiling and standing with his arms crossed.

Shit, Gap thought. The dark man was at least twice as fast as any opponent he'd ever faced. Could he have expected less from a Dansdel warrior though? As soon as he'd wandered into Underwood, his goal had been to fight in the famed fighting arena. Now that he was here, however, I felt like a farmer with his arm elbow-deep in a bull's ass. Shit, indeed.

Larcius watched as the man tossed his seemingly wooden sword between his hands in preparation for the battle. Larc himself had no intention of jumping at the man, he had learned that if you simply stand there, the enemy usually comes to you. A method that had served him well in time. The formalities of battle were something he was never fond of, neither of them were there to be friends, and both of them simply wanted the reward, which was gold...or so he thought. His hand never moved for his own blade as the man charged him, Larcius moved left and evaded behind him toward the opposite end of the courtyard, watching the mans movements rather carefully.

As Larcius turned around, he was shocked to find little time to dodge the next blow, ducking to the right this time and out of the way of the heaven wooden sword. A smile brushed his lips as he realized that this man wasn't going to just lay down and die after being evaded a couple of times. But Larcius had no reason to pull his blade out, this was not a battle to the death, and he was strong enough to man-handle almost any human. But his competition wasn't human, and it showed.

Larcius gave a soft laugh, crossing his arms across his chest and a mocking sense. Lowering his arms for a moment, his body crouched down and flashed forward faster then any human could move. Attempting to move his hand toward the mans throat with a crushing grip...he crushed his hand shut with nothing but air. The man had already moved, evading his move with a swift motion that would almost seem ease, but Larcius couldn't be sure.

Moving with the motion he was already in, Larcius lowered his hand and used the momentum he already had to fling his foot around toward his targets chest. He couldn't see the the target, but he made his best guess based on the speed the man had moved. It wasn't a promising blow at all. But strong none-the-less.

A thud of pain on his chest and Gap winced and stepped backward. He looked down and watched a magenta bruise blossom under his skin. The dark man hit hard and hit fast.

“Man, fike you, swivva, I'll fike you up,” the elf said in frustration. He pulled his own sword around once again and went on the offensive. His feet stomped out a three beat pattern on the dirt as he finally got in the rhythm of the fight. Their movements became an epileptic dance—Gap charging and slashing and the dark man toeing out of the way every time at the last second. He jumped like a frog and kicked out—his toes grazed the hair on his opponent's head. He landed on all fours and lifted himself just in time to receive a punch to the shoulder. He shook his head and growled. The dance resumed. Complete opposites, the dark man's antarctic cool met Gap's ferocious heat and the air felt thick with tension and skill. Or maybe that was just the smell.

Gap blocked a second punch with his forearm and winced again. He still had failed to land a single blow. He roared and redoubled his efforts. His blows forced the dark man back towards one of the walls as the pale fighter tried to dodge Gap's unpredictable blows. He smiled. Here was his idea of a good time.

“Whoo! Get him!” the younger druid exclaimed, caught up in the moment. “Go, uh...go!”

Both of the fighters stopped and stared at the druid. All parties stood silent for a whole minute. Then Gap cracked up in laughter. “Man, swivva, you crazy,” he said with more than a hint of admiration. “I think I like you.”

The dark man glared. “Alright,” Gap said. He tightened his grip on his sword “Round two mothafiker. You best protect your neck.”

Larcius looked as his kick had connected, landing on his hands and rolling into a stand. His movements were fluent, like that of splashing water. Of course, Larc himself was rather fast, but his opponent was equally as quick...but with a temper. The battle was headed as one moved out of the way of the other, Larcius chalked his snide remarks off with a sly grin. Both fighters seemed match in different ways, Gap was wild and moved with power and haste. Larcius on the other hand kept a calm side, dodging instead of advancing, attempting to tire his opponent for a quick finish. But...he realized all to soon that it wasn't going to happen like that.

As Larcius moved and dodged, the swift movements of his opponent that seemed to have been set in stone at first, suddenly became erratic. The sudden change in tone forced him into a wall at the hand of his opponent's wooden sword. Larcius attempted to break free, but the movements of the wooden blade were anything but certain. That was until he heard the distracting call of one of the gentlemen on the side of the arena. The chant for victory was surprising, but for the wrong side. A low growl was emitted from within his chest as he glared down his opponent, and those who cheered him on. This quick and easy fight was turning out to be anything but that.

"My neck?" Larcius repeated, used to the phrase being used by him, and himself alone. "You're lucky this isn't too the death." A small chuckle was given as Larcius opened his mouth to bare his fangs toward his opponent. The ivory teeth seemed naturally filtered into a razor sharp point. His hand lowered to the left hand side of his back, twisting back for a moment with a small "clink" of his blade unlocking. But the metal on metal sound that would be expected never came, for he didn't draw his blade. Instead his hand stayed behind him grasping the hilt as he knelt for an attack on his opponent. Although the rules dictated that he couldn't kill, it never said anything about wounding or destroying one another equipment.

Larcius charged, his foot steps kicking up the slight of dirt into small plumes behind his dark black boots. A yard forward in the dash, his body contorted into a jump, shifting mid air and drawing his blade with a full on power swing at his opponent's chest. With a thud and shower of dirt, it became apparent that the blade never came in contact and his opponent had moved completely out of the way. Larcius sprung around, swinging his blade in a unique fashion. The blows were solid, but never meant to connect with his opponents body at all, instead if even coming close it would stop only an inch before. The "thud" of metal hitting wood became a regular sound in the dance for power over Gap and Larcius himself, once forcing the other back only to be pushed back himself.

The combination of wood and metal made it rather hard for repeated blows quickly, for when one would swing, the other would block only to have their blade meet and stick, rather then slide across one another in sparks.

“Listen up, swivva. I don't give a fike what your name is.” Gap swung his sword like a bat and forced his opponent backward. The dark man thrust forward with his pathetic knife and Gap brushed it aside like swatting a mosquito. His brain bathed in adrenaline and he tasted copper in his mouth.

“I don't give a fike if you're a vampire or not.” He ducked and dodged a kick from the vampire, and then unleashed a barrage of his own kicks. The advantage the dark man had possessed at the beginning disappeared entirely as Gap's fury increased and the playing field leveled.

“I don't give a fike if you got pointy teeth.” The vamp landed a punch on Gap's shoulder, but the elf had descended too far into the haze of excitement and insanity to even notice. He continued his assault, pressing harder and faster and with more and more erratic swings. The druids looked with the horror of an audience watching a bull gore a matador.

“I'm so sick of you mothafiking aristocratic-ass swivvas.”He smashed his sword into the vampire's rib-cage and the pale man slammed into the wall and crumpled to the ground. Gap crouched down and moved his face right up next to his opponent's. He dropped his voice to a whisper and uttered words of profundity and simple beauty.

“Fike you, Gap said. He cackled, now as much a ghoul as the man beneath him. He leaned over the vampire's neck, extended a broad, rough tongue, and slowly licked his opponent's jugular vein. Stinking sweat dripped from his face onto his opponent's otherwise pristine pale skin. The dark man shuddered from disgust.

The dagger dropped out of the vampire's hand and clattered on the floor. One of the druids rushed over and dragged Gap off his defeated opponent. The pig-elf slobbered all over his own clothing and laughed like a madman. “Swivva can't fike with me! All you swivvas can't fike with me! I'll rip you apart! I'll rip you all apart! I'll tear your...”

Later:

The druids forced Gap to sit on the lawn to eat, so he sat cross-legged on the grass. Before him lay an entire roast pig, barely cooked and nearly raw. Exactly how he'd requested. “Damn, this is a good pig,” he said. He tore a rib off the beast's ribcage and chomped the meat off right down to the bone. Grease fell from his mouth to his shirt and he didn't even notice. He unleashed a belch, laughed, and tore the skin off the flank off the pig. Fiking, delicious, it was. More than worth it to fight some stupid vampire-swivva. And that was even fun. Sure he had more than a few bruises, but who cared? Not him. Shit.

From the window of the main Dansdel building, the druids watched the beast-man eat, wondering what kind of warrior they'd allowed to join their organization.

Never mind forks, sticks, or knives, Gap ate with his bare hands. In half an hour only bones remained of the entire swine.

Pig on a Stick

Hey guys! I’m going to judge this with a full rubric and give full commentary where I can, as per your request. Piggie’s scores are going to be blue and Larcius Kreston’s scores are appropriately red.

Plot Construction 13/30 10/30

Story – 4/10 3/10

Story can be remarkably difficult to keep in mind when doing thread primarily devoted to two characters fighting. I can’t recall seeing a straight battle thread that scored a perfect ten in story, though an attention to story DOES improve even a straightforward fight. Don’t worry too much about your scores here – it’s not an uncommon problem. But in future battles on Althanas, it will pay off to try and give a little focus to the thread as a single event that takes place within the framework of an entire life of adventures. Try to make your reader feel the intensity of combat, the burning desire to win, the desperation as the battle builds toward its conclusion, and so on.

Strategy – 5/10 4/10

I’m giving Piggie the slight advantage here because he used Gap’s personality to really push the thread’s events, and Larcius seemed more reactive.

Setting – 4/10 3/10

You both made good efforts to remind me where your characters are. Piggie did a good job of describing the arena once he arrived there, but after the initial description little to no mention was made of your characters’ surroundings. Try to incorporate more tactile description into your writing: is the air chilly, humid, unseasonably warm, tangibly cooling with the sunset? Does Gap’s wooden shoes produce a different sound as he steps from the hall into the arena? I know Gap smells bad, but what would you compare it to, and how does the stench interact with the native smells of the setting? You both make mention of the type of wood of desks or doors, but that only really tells me that the material is a specific kind of wood – is the oak old? Is the mahogany particularly deep-colored? Is the desk lacquered?

Little details like that can really bring a post to life for the reader, and help us place ourselves in the midst of the events you’re describing.

Characterization - 17/30 15/30

Continuity – 5/10 5/10

Everything was consistent and logical here. I touched on this briefly before, but try and think of each thread as just one event in your character’s life, even battles. Where did they come from before the battle? What events brought them to this point? How does it change them, or does it pointedly cause no change?

Interaction – 6/10 5/10

You both did a good job of interacting with the NPCs and keeping them engaged when appropriate. Piggie stood out here especially for his character’s back and forth with the NPCs, especially in his first post.

Character – 6/10 5/10

I LOVE Gap. He’s boisterous, he’s annoying, he’s crude, he’s unabashedly horrible, and he’s hilarious. I have a soft spot for brutes and Gap is one of the best/worst I’ve ever seen on Althanas.

Larcius served as a terrific foil for Gap: refined instead of boorish, quiet, reserved, regal, and cold. If there’s anything I would suggest here, it would be to push your character more to the forefront and really let him chew up scenery. He’s not like Gap, not a scene-stealer, but he’s got atmosphere and he’s a vampire. Play up his grace, his predatory presence, his quiet intensity – I think you touched on this a little bit here, but people should be nervous around this guy. It might help to get into his head a bit too, what is he thinking, why is he thinking it, who is this guy and what does he think of HIMSELF?

Writing Style 17/30 15/30

Creativity – 5/10 5/10

You both did great with humor (I love that Larcius didn’t realize he was fighting for a pig). Piggie, Gap’s unique patois is perfectly executed and distinctive, and you really put a lot of great imagery into your writing here (calling his fingers sausages, Larcius seemed “calm as a tundra”). Larcius, I like that you kept in mind that your character need not breathe – obviously valuable when you’re up against someone like Gap.

When the fighting finally started, it seemed as though you both started to glaze over the details. The description of the fight was certainly more fluid thanks to the allowed-bunnying, but I also felt that the combat lacked oomph or impact because it was just a series of swings and leaps. Don’t be afraid to make something big out of even a punch – it may seem less impressive, but a well-described punch could win a fight on Althanas just as surely as a well-thrown punch could end a fight in real life.

Mechanics – 7/10 5/10

Piggie, I rarely found mechanical errors in your posts. Larcius, for the most part you were docked here for little formatting things, but I did manage to find small mechanical errors here and there. It might be worthwhile to post, wait a day, then go back and reread for small errors you might have overlooked on the first proof-read.

I didn’t dock you points for it, but post #4 needed some formatting love. It’s one big chunk of writing.

Clarity – 5/10 5/10

You both write very clearly. At no point did I have to stop and wonder what you meant, even if certain phrases struck me as being a bit awkward (it might be worthwhile to try reading your posts out loud while you’re proofreading). What gave me the most trouble is how the action was described: one act of violence never really seemed to flow to or from another. Again, I felt like I wasn’t getting the full picture of the fight, just relevant bits and pieces (Gap took some hits, then Larcius took some hits).


Wildcard – 10/10 9/10

Larcius, you had room for one more post (to make it an even five each). I’m very curious how Mr. Kreston reacted to his undignified defeat at Gap’s hands!

Totals: 57 50

PIGGIE WINS.

Piggie gains 315 EXP and 100 GP.
Larcius Kreston gains 90 EXP and 80 GP.

Piggie: if you choose to do another Dansdel battle, remember to make an OOC note in your first post with a link to this thread so you can be sure to continue winning your streak rewards.

Thanks guys!

EXP/GP added!