Fight of Flight 2 – Shadow of the Spire
I’m going to make this one rather quick, if you don’t mind. If you want categories expounded upon by all means PM or IM me and I’ll help you out with those. What I did comment on was the things that stuck out the most, so that you can work on those. I noticed, and have noted in a couple places, that your writing style seemed to change when you came back and continued writing it at post 13. It was a bit inconsistent but not bad, if it had started that way it probably would have scored higher. I’d suggest taking my notes at face value, and not meant to demean or degrade in any way. Just working on threads to help with the backlog. If you didn’t get a comment on anything in particular, you probably did well on it and I had nothing really to note.
This is also going to be JUST for Kryos, since Lexxum (as he told me) isn’t going to be used anymore.
STORY (14/30)
~ Continuity ~ 3
~Try and express your background through the story, progressing more and more by post or putting it in the first post so that the reader knows WHO Kryos is, Where he came from, and why he’s going where he is? Things like that help a lot for the reader’s clarity, for future persona, dialogue, and action since it all has a means of adding to those sections.
~ Setting ~ 5
~Your setting wasn’t bad, you explained where you were consistently post to post. However, you didn’t give me much of a ‘feel’ for it till you got inside the tower. Try not to push it off to the side, or just mention it as a side thing. Setting is just as important as all other areas, because it helps set up how your character feels about the surroundings (persona), give you something to think and talk about (dialogue), as well as gives you a good excuse how to blend in advanced techniques in a way that doesn’t make them stick out or feel out of place (Technique, obviously). I would have suggested a little bit more detail for the Red Forest, since it’s a very dangerous and intriguing thing… kinda pushed the pacing a little too fast to skip over the passage to the Tower imo.
~ Pacing ~ 6
~Post 13 came out of nowhere, a deep historical endeavor at the beginning of the thread. It was good, however didn’t fit the flow of the story to that point. I believe that could have been due to the huge gap between the 12th post and the 13th. It threw me off quite a bit though.
CHARACTER (19/30)
~ Dialogue ~ 7
~The dialogue was believable, and pretty well done. It just didn’t ‘feel’ very deep. I’d suggest trying to use expressive synonyms for ‘said’ to try and make the threads a little bit more indepth. It will also help with the persona. A lot of dialogue helps build the character’s personalities, and in my opinion is one of t he simplest way’s to do so.
~ Action~ 6
~ Persona ~ 6
~Not a whole lot of ‘feel’, instead more ‘show’. I commented in the continuity and dialogue regarding that. Keep up the expressive and advanced techniques so that you can show your personality throughout the thread. You did well with this category, like most of them, after the 13th post, but before then it was a little off.
WRITING STYLE (21/30)
~ Technique ~ 6
~I didn’t catch a lot of techniques, which is what spices up the writing. Of course, your writing style isn’t bad, but it’s somewhat bland at times. Like you’re trying to just write out thoughts, put them to words, instead of writing an aesthetically pleasing story… from post 13 on it seemed that you tried to make the style of writing more verbose and more interesting, but it didn’t pick up enough to ‘pull me to the edge of my seat’, so to speak.
~ Mechanics ~ 8
~Just a few errors here and there, nothing major just spelling mistakes.
~ Clarity ~ 7
WILD CARD!!! 5
TOTAL
(59/100)
GAINS/REWARDS!
Kryos gains 1250 exp (doubled for the FQ); 400 gp
Lexxum gains 1750 exp (doubled for FQ); 200 gp