Plot ~ 22/30
Storytelling ~ 8/10 - There was a certain magic to this thread when it came to the many colliding points of view, character storylines, and twists, though I'll go into more detail later on most of these points. Having read Shadow Rituals before this, I had a better understanding of Ruby and Leopold's relationship. While you make reference to it through a few smartly woven lines in the narration, By Rook, Wrath, and Ruin clearly showed a far more dominating side a Leopold. Overall, I felt that you could have been a little more detailed into the married couple's past (to show more growth in their conversation inside the carriage, after the initial raid), but you did an absolutely splendid job fitting their story into the events happening during and after the Brigades attack. I was quite pleased how well you fit in all the different storylines, because it added so much more in the way of descriptions and motivations, as well as allowed you to explore other areas of interest in the thread when any particular fight or exchange would begin to wear on tedium.
However, the multitude of points of view was also some what detrimental. In Part Two especially, the rapid shift in perspective caused more exciting (and climatic) plots to slow down (although I'll get into this more in pacing). And, whenever you split the reader's attention, you're going to end up with some stories more vague than others. Had you found a bit more balance to give to Arden and Lillith, you would have scored perfectly here.
Setting ~ 7/10 - Berevar felt very much alive, especially when Leopold revealed himself as Raven and felt the pull of the Old Gods. But while you captured a bitter cold, and gave clear and dynamic descriptions in the battles (especially Rook's multiple craters), there were a few details that nagged at me.
1.) Wagons are horrendous for snow when they have wheels. Not only is the constant wet and freeze a wear on the wood and joints near axels, but any good pile of snow is going to make poorly trodden trails nearly impossible to blow through.
2.) Wagons with sled tracks would have been far more believable, and I can't imagine their availability too scarce in Salvar.
Most of my complaints are wagon related, but it's little things like this that breath reality into a story. Though described as harrowing, I felt the Winchester Rose Trading Company found the journey far too easy with merely a bumpy road. Otherwise, I thought your setting was rather good.
Pacing ~ 7/10 - As I said before, the switch between different character points of view hurt the thread's pacing. With Part Two, Leopold's admission and understanding with Ruby shares attention with Arden and Lillith's ride in the second-to-last (or last, depending on which post you read) carriage. While I found the sibling's game and banter enjoyable, it took away a little of marriage's spotlight. There was one particular moment where you switched to Arden killing the archer positioned to ambush, that felt a bit out of place considering the posts that came before and after it.
While I was surprised at how much happened, how well, in how little time it all occurred during Part one, I was floored. Clarissa's opening was the perfect hook for a reader, and everything that proceeded it (until the dead were loaded on to the wagon) was heart-pounding and exciting to read. Even when the story went a year in the past, in a different place, it still gripped my attention. But Part Two slowed everything down, so much so that it was jarring to read the climax.
However, for all my problems with the irresolute nature of this thread's pace, I can understand alternating chronologies making it more difficult to keep a constant speed. Kudos to you for doing it so well.
Character ~ 25/30
Communication ~ 8/10 - Your dialogue, especially among members of the company and trope, is some of the most entertaining I have read on Althanas. Perhaps it's because I so rarely read members with such a fleshed out cast of characters, although most other members don't have the energy to make their NPCs into living, breathing PCs. Even characters who aren't regulars of yours, like Wilfred and Lady Montague, shined whenever they had a scene with Leopold. However, sometimes I feel like the characters would do better with some things left unsaid. Occasionally, I found real swaths of dialogue that could have been condensed. However, these incidents were few and far between enough. I only ask that you think of a bit more brevity when writing out conversations. Dialogue is a powerful tool that, when used sparingly, invites an author to try slightly more creative approaches empathizing a character to the audience.
Action ~ 8/10 - The entirety of it was so rich in the wealth of character action and interaction, it was hard to keep track of everything. This was not, of course, some contextual confusion, but an eagerness for other storylines, fights, or flashbacks to conclude. Each part of Leopold's attendance at the Van Degalion was a jewel of character insight. The second to last wagon had the heart warming game played between Arden and Lillith. Leopold/Raven's revelation to Ruby, Ruby's fight during the Brigade's ambush; all of these things were simply delightful, but lost some smidgen of impact because their scenes were so brief. Clarissa, though, shone through this by having a number of scenes (many of them "death" or post "death") that gave a greater look into her motivations. As I mentioned before, this thread reminded me of Who Mourns for Adonais?, and Lady Montague would be a far poorer character if her motivations weren't laid bare by the end of part one and expanded in part two.
On a minor note, I very much enjoyed Wilfred's withdrawal in the carriage during Leopold's revelation. Not only did it help establish the oft tumultuous discussions between the Winchesters, it was damned amusing as well.
Persona ~ 9/10 - My only complaint here is that we didn't get a deep enough look into the Brigade, and that's something I looked forward to as the thread pressed on. I realize that the thread already had enough storylines going on that adding anything else would have only been detrimental to the clarity of the entire thing, but men that would follow a trader/slaver/Old God would have been interesting to peer into to say the least. Clarissa got her moment to shine, and I mentioned how important that is for a compelling villain.
Beside that insignificant point, I loved nearly every bit of screen time the characters had. I rarely find myself invested in so many characters at once.
Prose ~ 26/30
Mechanics ~ 8/10 - A small number of typos cropped up starting at the halfway point of the story, as well as the occasional awkward phrasing. It was rather jarring, considering the first half was pleasantly free of anything. Make sure to pay just as much attention to the middle and ending as you do at to the beginning when you proofread. It's understandable to wane in enthusiasm for editing work when your threads so close to submission, but it's alarming to readers when it all appears so suddenly.
Clarity ~ 8/10 - There was a bit of confusion at times, and I think it was caused by the sheer volume of activity you had going on during the thread. They are minor issues, but they made the wild landscape of Berevar even harder to imagine.
Originally Posted by
Post Nineteen
Arden and Lillith rode together in the second to last, discussing matters of the heart and the I Ching – their spirit warder lexicon.
However, the card game between the siblings, according to your post 25, is in the last wagon of the caravan. Keeping track of this kind of information can be difficult, especially when you're weaving an epic like this together. But solidified details are a foundation to a clear picture of what's going on and where everything is in relation to each other.
Technique ~ 10/10 - Your use of prose has reached a happy point between functionality and flair. While it made passages feel denser than they had to be at times, you always managed to make it too damn interesting to notice. Leopold's narration was particularly good, especially in the Van Dangellion scenes, yet, what I really appreciated were gems like this:
Originally Posted by
Post Six
“Behind every good man there is”…Lady Montague tapped him on the shoulder and he stopped mid-sentence.
Not only is it a clever bit of narration, it ended up filled with a wonderful bit of foreshadowing..
Wildcard: 8/10 - I doubt believe I've ever been so surprised reading a thread before. Not from Leopold's big reveal, that was more than hinted at. I thought this epic would be bogged down in such thick detail that it would read like some complex tome. Instead, from the very start, you were off running. You managed to merge action and story, character development, and end it with a scene that puts Ragnarok to shame.
Total ~ 81/100
EXP - 3280
GP - TBD (considering the spoils you requested in your submission)