Sing Me a Sweet Song of Blood and War

[Ashla]

The girl's face went blank as the elf came towards her. She was hesitant. Ashla had learned to never trust strangers... However, she loosened her grip on her sword. The rain began to pour now, getting Ashla all wet. She sighed and wished she had her cloak and hood with her - she hated getting wet. The child, lifted her free hand to the rain.

"It would be nice to get out of the rain," She stated simply. The Icebreaker glanced at Siegfried and smiled. She looked more like a child than a warrior, but in this moment was a glimpse at the Icebreaker as a care free wanderer. She was free then. Her spirit was chained, but still was not broken... like it was now. And the thing was, this elf seemed just like her. He must have gone through similar trials of loss and peril to still be alive. How long had he fought to redeem not just himself, but his race? Ashla had been fighting for herself since she was fourteen, and just recently she had actually learned of her family traits. Now she too, was trying to redeem her own race. Their kins. They needed healing as much these two broke souls needed healing themselves. Broken kingdoms... needed to rebuild. Maybe, Ashla thought, she could learn something from him.

She placed her Damascus sword into its sheath, "Okay."

The teenager still smiled, it was a young, sweet smile which portrayed the innocence she had left. No matter how good she could fight, Ashla was still a child. She still had much to learn. She was stubborn and she knew it, and that was one thing she didn't try to fix. She looked up to the bleak, grey sky, showing droplets of cold, wet water onto everything below it. She shouted, "Hey, monks! We're done now... can somebody get me a towel?"

Done! This is being submitted for judging.

[Quentin Boone]

Thread Title: Sing Me a Sweet Song of Blood and War
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: BlueGhostofSeaside vs Siegfried

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Plot: 19 --- 21

• Story- 5/10---7/10

BGoS: Though you did a good a job of telling the fight's story, it lacked real relevance to your character. It would have been nice to see why Ashla was in Radasanth for a battle, and what brought her there. This aside, however, you did a good job of using backstory to link current events and reasoning.

Siegfried: You did an excellent job of linking previous events to your character's tale in this battle, and left it open for further development. In short, the battle was well-placed within your character's personal story and felt more complete.

Both of you lost a point here due to the lack of a climax to the story. It served a purpose, which was done well, but fell ever so slightly flat due to the lack of an apex.

• Setting- 8/10---7/10

Both of you did a fantastic job of bringing the setting to life. It was immersive and never abandoned, so kept the arena always in the reader's mind.

Siegfried, you lost a point here purely because the initial scene felt a little 'bland' - despite describing the counter and the door, it didn't really have the same vibrancy as your descriptions of the arena.

• Pacing- 6/10---7/10

Both of you did a good job of keeping the thread moving at a steady pace that felt relevant for the battle at hand. It didn't move too quickly but also didn't stagnate or leave the reader uninterested.

BGoS: You lost a point here due to some of your earlier posts, where you repeated certain actions. This repetition often resulted in the previous description being nullified or making no sense at all. If you want specific examples of this, please feel free to PM me.

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Character: 20 --- 23

• Communication- 9/10---9/10

Both of you did an excellent job of using communication to convey your character's personality and thoughts. From spoken word to internal dialogue, the reader received insights into your character. Body language was also used with finesse to really hit home not only the relationship that was building between your characters, but their individual personalities as well. Good job!

• Action-6/10---8/10

BGoS: While your actions generally made sense for Ashla and were utilised to move the thread forward effectively, a couple of things hurt your score here. Firstly, you failed to acknowledge the strike Siegfried made at your ankle; while this isn't a big issue, it's important to acknowledge actions - especially in a battle. Secondly, while the spate of feigned attacks somewhat fit with a playful teenager, it didn't fit with Ashla's tone throughout the rest of the thread. As such, it didn't make sense or feel believable.

Siegfried: You did an excellent job of maintaining believability and consistency in your actions, and the opening really helped you here. The inclusion of small, almost insignificant actions in the interaction with the Ai'Brone monks really added depth. Had this continued throughout the thread, you would have scored even higher.

• Persona- 5/10---6/10

BGoS: The reader was able to delve into the psyche of your character and understand her motivations and drivingg forces. A nice touch was the fleeting changes in mood, it felt very realistic for a young person battling their youthfulness with a sense of responsibility. However, some of the moments where you showed us Ashla's character felt a little forced and were brought to the forefront more than was absolutely necessary in a battle.

Siegfried: Likewise, you did a good job of showing the reader your character's personality. It would have been nice to see a little deeper, however: He's looking to avenge his fallen kin, but what really drives that desire for vengeance over actively working to restore his homeland? You won out here due to the seamlessness of your character's personality being shown - it was in no way detracting to the content and was simply absorbed by the reader over the course of the thread.

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Prose: 21 --- 24

• Mechanics- 6/10---7/10

Both of you did a generally good job here, but there were a few spelling and grammatical errors throughout the thread. Lye won out here simply because there were less in his posts. If you want more specific feedback here, feel free to PM me.

• Clarity- 6/10---9/10

BGoS: Your writing was generally clear, but suffered from the points raised above under Pacing. Along with this, it was very difficult to understand exactly what Ashla did when she used the hidden weapon within her sword and took several re-reads to understand it.

Siegfried: Your writing was clear and consistently conveyed your intentions.

• Technique- 9/10---8/10

Both of you did a brilliant job of using imagery to bring the setting to life and add colour to your writing. Internal dialogue was used effectively as well to add variety to the narrative. Both of you have a definite flair in your writing that feels natural and unforced.

BGoS: You won out here due to changes in your narrative style. It started with a very conversational tone that was refreshing and easy to read, but changed to a more formal one once the battle commenced. It then changed back for the last post to demonstrate Ashla's more relaxed state of mind. It's acknowledged that this might be a mistake and inconsistency, but points are awarded for it due to its effectiveness. If intentional, keep it up! If not, take note of its effects and use it in the future!

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Wildcard: 5 --- 5
This was a really enjoyable read and hard to give personal preference for. BGoS, your writing style changes really impressed me but were cancelled out by the real confusion caused when Ashla drew her hidden weapon. Siegfried, your writing in general very impressive but I was disappointed to see yet another recruitment thread; I want to see more plot variety from you! As such, I've given you both the same score here.

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Final Score: 65---73

Siegfried Wins!:

• 1200 EXP!
• 73 GP!

Congratulations!


BlueGhostofSeaside Receives:

• 300 EXP!
• 37 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!