Originally Posted by
Notes for 2 v 2 Vice vs. Cipher Nex
WW – Writing Writer
WB – Witchblade
D – Dirge
BaBE – BlackAnd BlueEyes
Post counts need +1, since J posted the announcement
making them arranged (1-BaBe) shaky wording, ‘arranging them’
oh, how I wished that I would've (1-BaBE) ‘I wish I had’
Zephyriah Ablione, too the strange little fellow Jacob who Vigo knew personally (2-D) ‘as well as the strange’?
and wonder as the madness of it all. (2-D) ‘at the madness’
through the Corone country side towards the Comb Mountains, no sea or bed of water had been present (2-D) ‘for no sea or bed of water’
but he nor any other members of Vice (2-D) ‘but neither he nor any’
skin, and her's was flawless (3-WW) ‘hers’
Jacob thought back to his traveling companion for a moment, he had forgotten (3-WW) ‘a moment; he had’
cost him his home in Radasanth. But that story is best saved for another time. (3-WW) ‘Radasanth – but that story is best’
It was for this reason he hated her (3-WW) ‘that he hated her’
His outstretched leg was siezed (3-WW) ‘was seized’
by the unusual spectical (3-WW) ‘spectacle’
see his arial predator. (3-WW) ‘aerial’
I giant bird. (3-WW) ‘A giant bird’
he was to be it's next meal (3-WW) ‘its next meal’
he quickly sprung to his feat (3-WW) ‘feet’
it's wings (3-WW) ‘its wings’
Heat lashed against her skin. Slamming into her like a hard slap and then slithering its way up and along her flesh like the unwelcomed touch of a rapist. (4-WB) fuse the two sentences with a comma
Lucky for her/ brought her cloak with her/ not prove any help to her/ chameleon enchantment do for her/ good would anything do for her (4-WB) this made the first paragraph burdensome to read, since it’s naturally implied that all those things would affect her. Taking them out would have improved the flow.
Though the Halfling found no remorse in agreeing to this little battle, this game, this tournament, though she did find herself slightly uninterested and irritated with the whole affair(4-WB) take out the second ‘though’.
had to brush my wayward bangs out of my eyes. (5-BaBE) ‘brush wayward bangs out of’
leather sheathe (5-BaBE) ‘sheath’
played the parts (5-BaBE) ‘the part’
struck the halflings peaked ears (6-D) ‘the halfling’s peaked’
shrugged aside his half open coat, the volcanic depths were more than enough to keep him warm (6-D) either separate the segments with a semi-colon rather than a comma, or correct with ‘the volcanic depths being more than enough to’
her guard would be let down far more than intelligent towards the half-elf’s attack.(6-D) I’m not sure what that means (Clarity).
If Vigo trusted this, Max Dirks, then Jacob trusted him aswell. (8-WW) ‘this… Max Dirks, then Jacob trusted him as well’
BaBE and WW: you both backtrack to the previous events, which breaks the flow of the battle that just began. If you want to cover past information, you can do so through short instances of retrospection through your post rather than summarizing it all at the beginning.
lightening wielding mage (9-WW) ‘lightning-wielding’
Vigo was simply the first to anounciate (9-WW) I’m guessing you went for ‘enunciate’, though I believe ‘voice’ would work better.
Unless ofcourse, x 2 (9-WW) ‘of course’
focused in on her (9-WW) ‘focused on her’
As the purple woman grew closer (9-WW) I just wanted to note that I actually imagined a purple woman here, though I know you went for something like purple-clad.
simply moving his left leg leftward (9-WW) Though not wrong, the wording is redundant. I suggest ‘left leg outward’, since that and ‘inward’ are – at least to me – just as clear and easy to visualize.
thin steel chord (10-BaBE) POWER CHORD! ‘cord’
sharp edge of one of the loose stones that littered the ground. It was that moment that a sharp (10-BaBE) r.w., ‘sharp’
the halflings weapon (11-D) halfling’s
If she was (11-D) If she were
conclusion that no Althanas person (11-D) ‘Althanian’, though even that is weird. It’s like saying that no ‘Earth person’ does this or that.
happened with his companion was all but unnoticed, there was a more pressing issue at hand. (11-D) use semi-colon instead of comma or use ‘as/for there was a more pressing issue’
She felt his fingers touch her first, the nails along the tips of them scraping against the smooth and sensitive skin of her cheek as his rough, hot skin met her smooth and deathly cold flesh. (12-WB) I think that’s descriptive overkill. There’s nice detail that adds flavor, but this amount is too much for the reader to naturally, instantly process in one go. ‘his rough, hot skin met her smooth, cold flesh’ would’ve worked a lot easier, since there’s a certain parallelism in form and through the use of antitheses.
He wished at times, he weren't so very, very amusing. (13-WW) ‘at times that her weren’t so’
Upon it's collision (13-WW) ‘its’
who's appearance had changed (13-WW) ‘whose’
I've seen this look before--it was the visage of someone who had lost everything. A person who had become nothing more than a hollow shell of his former self, a person filled with a maelstrom of emotions that I cannot pretend to understand. The kind of person who is run by hatred, sorrow, and anger... Those kind of people, that allow themselves to be overcome like that, truly terrify me. (14-BaBE) You were using the past tense but here you switched, momentarily, to first.
Come on, just a little longer with that poem of yours, you fuckin' psycho, I thought to myself as the steel strand coiled itself around the leather hilt. That's right, give me some time to slash your—(14-BaBE) since you’re writing in first person, you don’t need the whole ‘“x and y,” he said’. For example, this would’ve improved the flow: ‘Come on, just a little longer with that poem of yours, you fuckin' psycho. The steel strand coiled itself around the leather hilt, (insert something about her perception of that action).’
The pain was like none other I had ever felt. A fire roared through my body with the intensity of an eruption from the volcano we were doing battle on, flooding my senses with a new definition of pain and bringing tears to my eyes. (14-BaBE) No actual mistake here. I just wanted to point out that by describing the pain so thoroughly, so technically, the reader’s perception goes from ‘ouch’ to ‘oh, I see’. If you got kneed in the ribs, I doubt you’d think that elaborately, and I’m guessing it’d be more along the lines of ‘Damn, bitch, this hurts. This effing’ hurts. Shit, hurts so much I’m crying. I’m actually crying.’ This is, of course, exaggerated.
and the sorcerer’s slipped (15-D) ‘the sorcerer slipped’
She watched as course of the weapon (16-WB) ‘as the course of the’
and it's origin (17-WW) ‘its’
It's owner? (17-WW) ‘its’