Originally Posted by
My Notes
This gave made it really hard to get the drop on ranked Warriors as well. (2) This made it really hard
Note: You’d think that upon going through a portal, the first thing you’d notice would be the surroundings, and then the energy-draining aura. However, you completely omitted the Setting there.
The red-haired Warrior saw the effects of the Roilig begin to take their toll on Edward, immediately upon stepping through the portal his eyes had grayed. (3) a semi-colon instead of the comma, a comma between ‘portal’ and ‘his’. OR: “(…)take their toll on Edward, for his eyes had grayed immediately upon stepping through the portal.”
Mriswiths and Liors lurked in the Roilig (3) I remember Mriswiths being from the Sword of Truth series, but the only Lior I know of is an Australian singer. Either way, you need to describe what these things you introduced are, or else mentioning them is useless. Also, I’m not one to dock points for using ideas from published authors, especially since you’re not making money out of this, but still be wary of that.
their soles soon stained black from the ash coating everything (3) I don’t remember ashes being particularly black. Greyish, with dapples of white and black, maybe.
[i]It’s all about control,[/] (3) Quickly look over your posts in case of coding problems like this
and make let the attack hit (4) and let the attack hit
that Edward was used to destroying in a heartbeat (4) I’m not sure what you meant. That Edward was used to being destroyed in a heartbeat?
Note: In that post, you never actually said you blocked the tip to let the butt-end strike your knee. You only mentioned a second blow
polearm,s (4) polearm’s
sshoot (4) shoot
anothe (4) another
electrical missle (4) missile
This was a pretty short post, so I wonder why you didn’t double-check to see these obvious typos.
With any luck, he could curve the missle into travis, when he tried to dodge, Either way, if that one missle hit anything metal on his opponent, (4) missile, Travis, semi-colon instead of the comma between ‘dodge’ and ‘either’, ‘any metal’ or ‘anything metallic’
and spending him spiraling (5) sending him spiraling
Edward clearly had some magical abilities and Travis wasn’t about to fall for the same trap twice. (5) Didn’t he read a letter describing Edward as specializing in electric attacks? That sentence reads as if that jolt of electricity came as a total surprise.
It was an odd question, to be sure, just the fact that this man, Travis expected him to tell him his tricks seemed funny to Edward. (6) I suggest rereading each sentence you complete and focus on both typos and the punctuation. “It was an odd question, to be sure; just the fact that this man, Travis, expected (…)” Or you could put a period instead of a semi-colon to get two sentences.
decided to let travis (6) Travis
knowing full well, Travis would be ready for it (6) knowing full well that Travis
two attacks: A swift thrust (6) two attacks: a swift thrust
lost sight of his opponent for a split second. When he finally caught a glimpse of his opponent, (8) repeated word, opponent. Try to vary the nouns.
Note: I wanted to comment on how easily you had Edward dodge Travis’ finisher, but I have to admit that the time between the hit that put Edward off balance and the moment Travis jumped off the tree would be long enough for Ed to recover his poise. Also, that time would be enough for Ed to realize that the only attack that could come from Travis’ actions is a diving slash, which is avoidable as long as you’re somewhat prepared for it.
the blade reached it's target (10) its
Note: You should know I have no idea what the Tempest Tantrum is by its name alone. I had to look at your profile to understand what kind of an attack it was other than a point-blank range electrical spell of some sort. You also skipped on describing the attack, so it’s a basic case of telling instead of showing as you should.