Originally Posted by
My Notes
Whether or not the other Dukes would allow her to lead her House. (1) Regardless of whether the Dukes would allow her to lead her House. Whether or not, though correct, is a construction to avoid in certain cases. It works better in ‘Whether you Like it or Not’
nursed her head, her head tipping to (1) r.w., head
Tokito spoke in a hushed tone, a hint of apprehension lingered (1) ‘hused tone: … lingered’ or ‘hushed tone, … lingering’.
"Bandits." Tokita hissed , a flash (1) Tokito, I ‘m guessing
inky orbs. (1) Don’t be afraid of using ‘eyes’. Orbs is very ‘purple-prose’.
wherever crime arise with (1) arose
"Tokita- Watch out!" (1) I’m guessing you settled on Tokita, then. Only consider the Tokito mistake, then!
as she saw one of the brigands raised a giant club (1) saw one of the brigands raise
hardly a fight he could win against (2) you win a fight, you don’t win against it. What you do win against are odds as in ‘I won against all odds’.
Her crimson outfit, with feathery laces and tassels hanging from her hip, lend the dancer-like maiden an air of wonder (2) lent the dance-like maiden an air of wonder
showing off her stunning set of pearly whites and a razor-sharp canines (2) You could be referring to her teeth as ‘pearly whites’, which is good. It’s also possible you were going for ‘pearly white and a razor-sharp canines’ instead. In any case, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and not count this in mechanics, though I thought I’d point it out either way.
snapped the Akashima out of her trance (2) Akashiman
plastered across the two Akashiman's faces (2) Akashimans’ faces (or did you make it Akashimen?)
Asukapursed (2) Asuka pursed
flame-hair (2) flame-haired
I kinda miss this human body and now I know why (2) missed
What does Urabe-san meant by (2) “What did Urabe san mean by’ or ‘What had Urabe san meant’
to behind assassinated the first step she would make towards the stairs (4) Not sure. Being assassinated, maybe?
She must pass those tests. If it was the last thing she could do. (4) I’m nitpicking, but I suggest ‘She had to pass those tests. Even if it was the last thing she would do.’
The sounds drone on (5) droned on
red-hair (5) red-haired
that only a child of the two to understand (7) would understand
harsh they may be at times (7) harsh as they may be
slick-hair (8) slick-haired
splitting image of herself standing (9) It’s been debated, but usually the expression ‘spitting image’ predates ‘splitting image’. Still, splitting image is correct as it works to describe the same thing (derived from the two matching parts of a wood plank split in two). Just wanted to point out the existence of both expressions, in case it could help you.
Tiniesy (10) teensy?
"<-Yamete!>" (10) I thought the < > meant that the dialogue was being translated from Akashiman. Now it’s translated… into Akashiman.
burying itself between the shackled white doll between her breasts (11) into the shackled white doll, between her breasts
But how could her eyes lied to her when the girl (11) could her eyes lie
Was that of the very person she had returned to see. (11) it’s awkward because the sentence would make ‘But how could her eyes lied to her when the girl (…)Was that of the very person she had returned to see’. Perhaps ‘was the very person’ would work better.
flame-hair girl, flame-hair maiden x2 (11) haired again. Don’t worry, I’m only counting those once.
Dungeouns (11) dungeons
forcing adrenaline flowing through (12) to flow
Her reflexes became sharper than it was (12) ‘became sharper than they were’, or, ‘were sharper than before’
As if I'll tell you without a fight (12) as if I’d
The two remained forzen in a deathlock (12) frozen in a deadlock
comment on each actors without (12) each actor
held menacingly no differently from that of a striking mantis (12) maybe ‘held as menacingly as a striking mantis’?
we'll going to replace each (12) we’re going
the assassin's leader (12) assassin leader or assassins’ leader
sun shown brightly (13) shone
did the elder girl brought her back down to the floor. (13) did the elder girl bring her back down
As the new Duke of Akashima. (13) Well, Duchess. Unless you find that pejorative for some reason or another.