Originally Posted by
Notes
Odd-numbered are Ira, Even-numbered are Ebi
She could feel the tingle; that longing for the land this represented thrumming through her bloodstream like the steady beats of the drums they used. (1) semi-colons are used either to join independent clauses without a coordinating conjunction, to join independent clauses linked by a conjunctive adverb or to join independent clauses with too many commas (which can lead to confusion). The pause you were going for would have worked with a simple comma, or if you wanted to stress it, a dash ( – ) would have worked, as it can replace pretty much any punctuation in informal writing.
The intoxication, the heady sensation of it ran rampant inside of her mind and body, bringing out a longing in her she had forgotten about with him. (1) This sentence could be made much lighter by omitting ‘of it’ and ‘in her’. “‘Its’, ‘the’, or ‘that’ heady sensation’” are much more direct alternatives that clear things out a bit, while ‘in her’ is implied by the context. If I remember correctly, this is a little detail I’ve read in your writing a few times before, but in this battle it’s much more of a slip than an actual problem, so worry not.
an hundred of them (1) a
Would it matter if ice rain down the sky (1) rained
What if the wind held a chill in it (1) ‘In it’ is also implied, here.
Her leg drew itself up to her body, bent and forcing her knee to point towards the jewel like sky. (1) Itself might be extraneous, and the description of the leg’s positioning does seem rather overwritten, though I do like that you managed to use ‘jewel-like sky’.
Only one; Gareth Vandeburg (1) Here, a colon is preferable, as colons are meant to introduce a list, a definition, or in this case, an explanation.
brings pain; unceasing waves which become so deeply-rooted they are longed for, sought after; used. (2) Though I understand the abundance of commas would have been even greater without the semi-colons, their use isn’t quite right, and unless you’re separating couples of words that are separated by a comma ‘Mooseville, Maine; Hell, California’, you usually shouldn’t have more than one in a sentence. I’d suggest a comma after ‘pain’, and either a dash or yet another comma before ‘used’. I know, it’s not ideal. Otherwise, that was a wicked first paragraph.
spent day, and night, (2) formal writing would have you lose the commas, while informal writing would replace them with dashes. Your choice!
a predator; it was the experience (2) A colon, I believe, as that would be an explanation.
A few loud taps preceded cinders and ashes which descended down into the breathing mist before extinguishing quickly, and the flapping of a thick charcoal cloak muffled the distinct thuds of steel-plated boots across wide oak boards. (2) I’m quite comfortable with your highly-descriptive style, but this sentence does seem to go overboard with the number of adjectives. Choosing to be vague at the right times could work quite well in tandem with your particular writing, if only for the contrast.
The only concious passenger (2) conscious
A whiff of sulfer (2) sulphur
as he swam inbetween (2) in between is the adverb, and as a note, in-between would be the adjective.
the premeir battling venue (2) premier or premiere.
They talked amoungst eachother (2) amongst each other
By now the other persuer had risen (2) pursuant or pursuer
came back again to meet steel once more (2) ‘again’ and ‘once more’ being both used makes this redundant.
and to verify that the symbols on their cloaks were indeed the signs of the man whom forced him (2) who forced him. ‘Who’ is subjective, and thus used when you can replace it by ‘he’ (the man who forced him – he forced him), whereas ‘whom’ is objective and can thus be replaced by ‘him’ (whom he killed – he killed him; to whom I owe my life – I owe my life to him).
The explaination of how losing competitors (2) explanation
Still, the thought of his surviving brother, and of taking revenge on the man who drove him from his burning home to kill with the rest of the barbarian's enslaved hoarde forced him to rethink his morbidity. (2) Horde (as opposed to hoard, which is pretty much booty, loot and plunder). Also, a comma would work well before ‘forced’.
I’ve also noted you have a tendency of putting a comma before ‘and’. While that is possible, it should only be done in two cases: one is with the serial comma, when you have a series of three or more things (Huey, Dewey, and Louie); the other is when you join two independent clauses (it works with pretty much all of the other coordinating conjunctions, too).
into the portal, wondreing if he would be capable (2) wondering
Hiis newfound visual clarify (2) His, clarity.
the liquid like (3) liquid-like
Acyutani glanced behind her; a bold and dangerous move. (3) ‘glanced behind her: a bold and dangerous move.’ See previous comments on colons and semi-colons.
“You are not him.” She said; her voice flat and accented with the land she came from. (3) “You are not him,” she said, her voice flat and accented with the land she came from.
but of what she could never know; not with her limited skills (3) know – not with her limited skills. The alternative would be a period instead.
Whether or not he willingly or knowingly had that soul inside him was an entirely different conversation, one she cared not to have. (3) This is just a remark: considering how the sentence starts, wouldn’t it be a question rather than a discussion?
Acyutani couldn’t help but feel a smirk pull at her lips as she realized the irony of that. For who had she met within a wall of stone that transported warriors to beautiful and magnificent places? (3)the irony of that, for whom had she met within a (…) places?
Customs in her own home land would dictate that he make the first move. He had challenged her in her own arena; it was his choice to follow through with it. (3) This isn’t a mistake, no worries. I just wanted to point out that it was one of the correct uses of a semi-colon, for future reference.
Though this place may look like Fallien (3) Tense change, ‘may have looked’.
All this sand and heat were mere illusion (3) were mere illusions, or ‘was mere illusion’ if you take the subject in the same way as ‘all that was mere illusion’.
The reach of them (3) A lighter equivalent would be ‘their reach’
pounced upun his prey (4) upon
and found little to not use for him (5) little to no
She needed warriors that could challenge her to be better, warriors that would, not only keep her on her toes but off them as well (5) that would not only (…), but off them as well (…).
other Half Swallow in a finish blow (5) finishing blow
Imagine though, power over life and death itself, power beyond that of the blade. (5) Breaking of the fourth wall? It’s been a while since I’ve read that, and it’s unexpected considering your style.
The sharpened edged armed for his inner thigh (5) aimed?
blood spewed from his earthen pants (6) you use the term earthen pants a lot, to the point where I wonder why not just use ‘pants’, as the reader would have been made well aware by now of their color.
Despite his racing mind; no, perhaps because (6) this is a perfect example of where a dash should be used, instead of a semi-colon. Dashes usually announce in interruption in the idea of a sentence, or an addition either from the narrator or the character’s perspective.
The intoxicating sensation emenating from (6) emanating
Deep-bellied growl of some monsterous dragon (6) monstrous
rushing river that cannot wait to go somewhere and do something (7) Tense change, ‘could not’.
but unsure of exactly what that’s supposed to be (7) tense change, ‘that was’. I believe that narrative present works when you describe something that is in itself permanent, unchanging: an axiom, a truism, an expression, etc.
(7) Iren and Abrapatha are mentioned, and I know basically who and what they are from reading your profile some time ago, but you provide no written explanation of their identity in the battle itself. Well, Abrapatha is described as some sort of thing trapped inside her and also a part of her, because of Iren. Other than that, it’s a mystery.
In a way, he had succeeded, her focused could at times be merely infallible, but in her mind it seemed (7) You could instead frame the middle part with dashes instead of commas, as it’s an addition to the sentence’s idea. That, or you could keep it that way with ‘her focus being at times nearly infallible’. Moreover, I’m unsure of your use of merely: was it in the sarcastic sense, as in ‘purely, simply, only infallible’ or a mistake by trying to write ‘nearly’? And finally, ‘her focus’.
end the beats of her heart; but nothing came at her (7) ‘heart; yet, nothing came’ would fit better, though you could just put a comma before ‘but’ to make it correct, though you then lose the ‘bated breath’ effect of a semi-colon.
engulf the blue becon (8) beacon
smell of sulfur were (8) sulfur and sulphur are both correct, so as long as you stick to one, it’s good.
N.B.: For both of you. I’m a bit torn about something that happened: in Ira’s post after she countered Nyadir’s kick to her sword and belly, she went for his leg artery. In Ebi’s post, he included Nyadir bringing down his sword after his leg was cut, to try and cleave off her hand, when in her own post she had already described the events that happened after that Nyadir rolled away, uninjured. Then again, Ira could have described in the post after that that there was a surface wound on her hand, or that she’d noticed his failed attempt at dismembering her. Either way, this got real confusing because ofall the backtracking both of you do. Basically, this is what happens. Ebi’s post goes from Point 1 to Point 2, Ira’s post goes from Point 1.5 to 3, Ebi then goes from 2.5 to 4, etc. With all the backtracking and adding actions to events that have already passed, this battle got rather confusing, as trying to keep chronological track in a battle of backtracking, addendums and corrections can be quite daunting.
Edit: About two posts later, Ira mentions a wounded wrist, which I think was the corollary of Nyadir’s counter. Two, and it was described as if she knew it was always there. I’m glad you decided to take it into account, though you could have always edited your previous posts to mention it.
grains of sand becomming stuck in his teeth (8) becoming
made her wonder why what she was doing here beyond looking for some kind of blind second chance the fates would never give her (9) I think you forgot to delete ‘why’
Even now, after all of those weeks of training with him and lessons from him and having his mindset forced upon her; Acyutani could (9) a comma, not a semi-colon.
not her opponents creased breathing (9) ceased breathing
her blades need not only be used on the wandering souls (9) Tense change, ‘needed not’.
Sand stuck to her sweat slick skin (9) swear-slicked
It was the tortured and tyrranical soul (10) tyrannical
Acyutanti had taken but a few tenative steps forward (10) tentative
Its weight due to muscle mass was reduced by a few pounds along with a noticeable (10) This is odd. Weight is the product of mass and gravitational acceleration, and as his muscle mass is the same (unless you actually turned matter into energy), only packed more densely (which means increased muscle density but decreased volume), and the effects of gravity did not change, his weight would be the same.
drew upon the pent up energy (10) pent-up
it sharped the focus of the demon (10) sharpened
The end of that post became rather technical.
She lad a look of surprise (12) had
the quiet agony emenating from (12) emanating
her actual race, Through (12) I think that was a period.
nearly pulling the torso of it airborn (12) pulling its torso airborne might sound lighter.
chest like a tiger.. (12) a period, probably.
its energy to cleave hear arm from her body (12) her arm
But considering the appearance of Devadi (13) A bit of a description of a Devadi might have helped here
dissipating the Half Swallow lodge in the sand (13) lodged
whom it seemed had become a little dizzy after that last kick (14) who (she, it seemed, had become)
heard the exclaimation of his demonic (14) exclamation
No noticeable effects manifested themseles (14) themselves
He may be trying to bring her down with him (15) Tense change, ‘may have been trying’ or ‘may have tried’.
lay within to neccessitate such force (16) necessitate
obvious to the still nauseas swordsman (16) nauseous
sprinted forward toward (16) redundance. ‘Sprinted toward the woman’ implies he’s sprinting forward.
stared at the one known as Acyutanti (16) Acyutani
that a death in the Pagoda be permenant. (16) permanent
He would have disappointed in her, he would be proud. (17) would have been. Maybe a ‘but’ or ‘yet’ in between both clauses to emphasize the clash.
letting the light of the sun bath her and warm the cold that Yuddhara had left linger upon her skin. (17) bathe, left to linger or left lingering. Moments in this paragraph, you also repeat ‘skin’.