Originally Posted by
“Notes for Ariana”
1.) “The day was as beautiful as ever, the sun was shining, the wind has a nice calm breeze, the trees are swaying with the wind.” – tense issue.
2.) “Her pitch black ponytail blowing in the wind like crazy.” – This was an improper sentence, as “blowing” should have been “was blowing” or “blew”. Even then, it was sloppy and lackluster stylistically speaking. Describing it as blowing “like crazy” detracted from the sophistication of the writing in that instance. It didn’t display a polished, professional writing style.
3.) “You'd do well to leave her alone or else you wont see the light of day.” – Point of view shift. Remember that you’re writing a story, not talking to a friend.
4.) “So she runs as fast as she can and starts doing the 'Tarzan' -- jumping from branch to branch trying to get to the top.” – Again, you used the wrong tense. Also, when you’re writing something set in a fantasy world, avoid using real-life references. Honestly, that would have been a bit of a cheesy reference in any setting, regardless.