Greetings. As this is the second round, I have become a little more strict in terms of score. At this point there should be less mistakes, and better writing, so don’t take it to mean a significant drop in skills from the last round. Read the comments to determine that. I have grouped them together for each player who posted, and as a courtesy included a judgment to give you a rough idea of where you stack up at this point in the tournament. I hope my comments are insightful, and you can PM me with any questions you may have.
Petoux:
You begin your intro post by referring to a battle that the reader does not know exists. You also mention your character’s name casually, as if the reader should already know it. The first scene featuring your character has no description of her whatsoever. However, you use a bit of personification in relation to the trees ‘settling down.’ Still, there’s hardly any imagery focusing on the setting. It’s like it’s not there. Your description of the portal which transported you was nicely done, especially the mental imagery of trees ‘disappearing one by one.’ The scene in which the world around her was ‘forming’ was pretty well done, and the imagery of it had some powerful symbolism.
Some of the language Sarah used in her thoughts was very unusual, and not something you would expect someone to casually think. It sounded more like a narration than the narration did. Just stating what conflict your character might be in doesn’t necessarily give the reader an attachment or sympathy to her. You have to show how that conflict affects her, rather than just stating it. Your character seems to think excessively deeply, as if you’re trying to use her thoughts to connect to the reader. That would be better done through narration and action.
You occasionally use odd wording, like ‘adding it to her memories.’ While I can understand it, it doesn’t sound quite right. You also repeated some thoughts, like the ‘mental journal’ line. You used elipses (…) excessively in your opening posts, and ‘All of a sudden’ can also be written ‘Suddenly.’ You tend to state things after the fact. For instance, you said sounds ‘came out of nowhere,’ but first referred to them as ‘sounds,’ and then said what they were. Instead, you could’ve said ‘the sound of running water’ came out of nowhere. That presents a much stronger mental image. Try not to explain things so much, just show them.
Sometimes you write incomplete sentences. ‘Some of them sharp, etc’ has no verb, though I believe you intended it to be an understood ‘Some of them were sharp.’ There are also occasional phrases you overuse, such as ‘once more.’ Don’t describe in relation to things, like saying something was this, looked like that, seemed like this, etc. Instead, give the action to the object, saying it did this or did that. For example, ‘some of the rocks jutted out of the ground as if to stab any passersby.’ Also, don’t mention what things do in relation to your character so much. She IS the point of view, anything that happens happens to her, so rather than saying she was blinded, you could’ve said ‘A bright flash of light blurred everything around her, returning the landscape moments later.’
Mikeavelli:
Though starting an introduction post with a line of dialogue is unusual, it was both humorous, and helped to give a sense of your character straight off the bat. Your dialogue is as hilariously perfect as ever, and you really show his accent. Hopper’s thoughts are just as hilarious as his dialogue, too, and show his personality equally well. You don’t give much insight into why your character is in this tournament, or why he’s paired up with an elf, though. Hopper’s past isn’t touched on once outside of specific knowledge and lingo. You hardly ever describe the setting around you outside of what is needed to understand the basic positioning of everything. You post as if the dialogue is all you have going for you, and try to focus solely on that. Good stories are written with a lot more than just good dialogue.
Though it’s a small point, your character’s name is preceeded by an appostrophe in every instance of it in your posts. It’s consistent in this thread, but inconsistent with both your partner’s references to you, and your previous thread. Hopper’s assement of the arena around them was insightful, but sometimes the way you write his accent makes it hard to understand. The battle plan Hopper laid out for them seemed to fit both character’s well, and was presumably carried over from the last round. There was hardly any narration at all in your opening post. It was almost completely dialogue. Just reading this thread alone, I have no idea why you’re here, where here is, or where you were before you got here.
Petoux's score is in blue, Mikeavelli's in red.
Whispers in the Wind
Story: 16.5 – 17 / 30
Storytelling: 2.75 – 2.25 / 5
Setting: 4.25 – 3.75 / 10
Pacing: 9.5 – 11 / 15
Character: 18.25 – 21 / 35
Dialogue: 5.75 – 7.5 / 10
Action: 7 – 6.25 / 15
Persona: 5.5 – 7.25 /10
Writing Style: 18 – 21.5 / 30
Technique: 4.75 – 5.5 / 10
Mechanics: 6.25 – 8.5 / 10
Clarity: 7 – 7.5 / 10
Wildcard: 1.25
Total: 54 – 60.75 / 100
Whispers in the Wind win by default, but are not eligible to receive rewards.